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Original poster

Would you leave your 15/16yr old to move abroad?

232 replies

Horehound · 30/07/2021 21:20

Just wondering how many parents would make this decision really.
15/16yr old fairly young for their age but adamant they don't want to move abroad and school on a foreign school for one year nor leave their boyfriend and friends.

You're moving because your husband was made redundant, no work around and has been offered a job abroad.

Would you make your child go or what would you do?

OP posts:
PickAChew · 30/07/2021 23:40

Just twigged this is a sort of reverse (late. Tired)

Sorry your parents did this to you.

Mauhhq · 30/07/2021 23:41

To reverse happened to me OP, even worse, rather than my parents going abroad, I was moved abroad at 15 on my own.

I was sent to study at a boarding school here in the UK by my dad when I was 15, my parents lived in another country. To me it was a new country, a new language, a different educational system, culture shock, no friends or family, I was badly bullied at the boarding school, I lost 5kg of weight in two months and became very withdrawn.

It has left me with permanent psychological scars and caused me serious mental health issues.I later found on the reason I was sent away was because my dad had a mistress and was cheating, so he wanted to send me, his adolescent daughter as far away from him as possible. My dad would never understand what I went through instead he keeps saying how much ££ he had spent on my school fees.

My DH said he could still see I had been through serious trauma in my childhood even 20 years later. I would never ever do that to my children or my worse enemy, that is child cruelty, especially at 15.

I feel for you OP, I still haven’t completed got over this and I haven’t had any counselling.

DeRigueurMortis · 30/07/2021 23:43

@Mauhhq

To reverse happened to me OP, even worse, rather than my parents going abroad, I was moved abroad at 15 on my own.

I was sent to study at a boarding school here in the UK by my dad when I was 15, my parents lived in another country. To me it was a new country, a new language, a different educational system, culture shock, no friends or family, I was badly bullied at the boarding school, I lost 5kg of weight in two months and became very withdrawn.

It has left me with permanent psychological scars and caused me serious mental health issues.I later found on the reason I was sent away was because my dad had a mistress and was cheating, so he wanted to send me, his adolescent daughter as far away from him as possible. My dad would never understand what I went through instead he keeps saying how much ££ he had spent on my school fees.

My DH said he could still see I had been through serious trauma in my childhood even 20 years later. I would never ever do that to my children or my worse enemy, that is child cruelty, especially at 15.

I feel for you OP, I still haven’t completed got over this and I haven’t had any counselling.

Thanks

You have a very shitty father.

Original poster
Horehound · 30/07/2021 23:46

@Mauhhq

To reverse happened to me OP, even worse, rather than my parents going abroad, I was moved abroad at 15 on my own.

I was sent to study at a boarding school here in the UK by my dad when I was 15, my parents lived in another country. To me it was a new country, a new language, a different educational system, culture shock, no friends or family, I was badly bullied at the boarding school, I lost 5kg of weight in two months and became very withdrawn.

It has left me with permanent psychological scars and caused me serious mental health issues.I later found on the reason I was sent away was because my dad had a mistress and was cheating, so he wanted to send me, his adolescent daughter as far away from him as possible. My dad would never understand what I went through instead he keeps saying how much ££ he had spent on my school fees.

My DH said he could still see I had been through serious trauma in my childhood even 20 years later. I would never ever do that to my children or my worse enemy, that is child cruelty, especially at 15.

I feel for you OP, I still haven’t completed got over this and I haven’t had any counselling.

Oh my goodness. I feel so sad for you..that really is a hell of a thing for your dad to do to you.

Do you think you will try counseling? I have found it so beneficial but havent been in 2 years so really need to get it organised again.

I can only imagine how hard that was for you :(

OP posts:
pegboardsu · 30/07/2021 23:47

I am sorry that this happened to you. I can't imagine leaving my children behind ever... Such a crucial point in child development.

I hope that you are getting a lot of support in RL, revisiting a counselor might be a good idea.

HerRoyalNotness · 30/07/2021 23:50

No way I’d do that to my children. In fact their dad has just gone off for a 2yr assignment, it wasn’t in our best interest to follow so we have stayed put. And not only that they did it when you were younger to die the business. The mind boggles!

Pallisers · 30/07/2021 23:56

Your parents made a terrible decision -neglectful. I also don't agree that a 16 year old just has to put up and emigrate to a foreign country when her parents say so. That is a huge move for a child of that age - incredibly disruptive and hard. There are times in your child's life when you have to suck it up - in this case I think your mother should have stayed with you until you were ready for college and they should have made sure you had the kind of support young people get when they have a home to go back to.

Next time your parents comment on how your parenting is different to theirs, I suggest you say "yes that is the point"

I know someone whose mother moved out of their rented apartment when he was 15 and his brother 17 to be with the new boyfriend. It caused lifelong issues for them both. The brother committed suicide young and my friend struggled with massive addition issues until he got himself clean. Both were very bright, incredibly talented (music) boys but just abandoned by their mother (no father around- he abandoned early). When you have children you should be in it as best you can for the long haul - at least until they are over 18 and established in some way.

Coyoacan · 31/07/2021 00:05

I was going to say this before I saw that you, OP, were the one who stayed behind. I wouldn't have thought it was a problem, if you stayed with your grandparents.

I would have thought that I was respecting your wishes. After all lots of much younger children go to boarding school while their parents are abroad.

earthyfire · 31/07/2021 00:06

No. Wouldn't even consider it.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 31/07/2021 00:08

My parents dumped me at 16 to go abroad for years. We don't have a relationship now.

sunnyzweibrucken · 31/07/2021 00:12

I know someone who moved about about a thousand miles from their child when he was 16 to be with a man she barely knew. He resents her to this day.

I wouldn’t move that far away from my child until they were done with schooling. I think it’s something that causes a permanent emotional scar

Dddccc · 31/07/2021 00:14

Hmm I am on the fence with this one your dad needed to work and was offered a job you refused to move and they placed you within the care of your loving grandparents which probably did a better job then they would have they bought you and your brother a flat to live in but you 2 clashed as siblings do, only main issue i see is maybe at the time you should have voiced yourself more but you said you didn't want to go then 15 years later think back and go wish I went, could you have joined them at a later date did you even want to?

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 31/07/2021 00:17

I spent my teens being resentful of my parents and feeling hard done to.

Now that I am a parent of teens I totally see that they were doing their best and in fact, I was a bit of a dick.

I doubt your parents will get that revelation, OP. It's a thing that is earned, if you opt out you don't earn it.

I'm sorry you, and others on the thread, didn't get the parenting you needed as young teens and young adults.

We all need to be loved and to come first when we really need it. That's all that matters, really.

Boopeedoop · 31/07/2021 00:19

I would never walk away from my child.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 31/07/2021 00:28

Previous generations bollocks. We are talking the early 00’s here, not the 50’s. To say it is a generational thing is an excuse.

Longwayfromhome21 · 31/07/2021 00:30

I’m so sorry this happened to you. I hope you can get some counselling to try and move past it. My mother left me when I was a bit younger than that. She feels that it was the best thing not to make kids move schools etc. Honestly I just don’t think some parents are that attached to their kids past young childhood and they’re just self centred. We have a very superficial relationship now. She would like us all to be close but she doesn’t wasn’t there at crucial times so I don’t feel close to her. Definitely overshadowed by whole life, never had counselling but should have.

AlwaysLatte · 31/07/2021 00:30

Absolutely no way. Child comes first!!

Moonstonewishes · 31/07/2021 00:34

My parents wanted to move to NZ when I was 17. They would have too if the job hadn’t fallen through. Either your husband goes ahead without you or they have to go with you.

Bellagio40 · 31/07/2021 00:54

Never

beentoldcomputersaysno · 31/07/2021 01:22

No I wouldn't

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 31/07/2021 01:29

@LongDissidence

I'd send my husband on ahead, if not reliant on his income, and stay with child until they left home (assuming at 18 for uni - wouldn't hang around till they were mid 30s..!).

Would do trips back and forth. Then move in 2-3 years to join him, and fly kids out to visit in holidays whenever they wanted to come.

I think my husband, as a fully grown man, could cope better on his own than my teenage child. I have no responsibility to look after and guide my husband, whereas I'm not done raising my kids till they're living as independent adults.

This. 15/16 is still a child in many ways and still need their parents, at least one to be there for them. I'm sorry you went through this OP. It was shitty of your parents to treat you this way.
Mockolate · 31/07/2021 02:45

I was the child.
And I'm 34 now and still can't believe they went really.

I have two teens of similar ages and never in a million years could I Sad Flowers
Not read the full thread so don't know what other answers are

It's just something I could never do.

TatianaBis · 31/07/2021 07:11

So everything may seem so black and white and easy to you, but to a 15yr old it isn't

I don’t think it is black and white. But I don’t think you can force 15/16 year olds to do something they don’t want to - your mum was right you would have ended up resenting her if she had. Yet I also don’t think you can insist your parents don’t relocate abroad. There are lots of families that move around all over the globe for one or other of the parents’ work. The kids develop skill sets and languages that others don’t have.

Musication · 31/07/2021 07:16

I've spent a long time expatting and there is no way I'd move with a 15/16 year old. It's very hard for that age.

Roselilly36 · 31/07/2021 07:16

Wouldn’t dream of it. Selfish & bloody ridiculous thing to do. Some people should not be parents.

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