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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you leave your 15/16yr old to move abroad?

232 replies

Horehound · 30/07/2021 21:20

Just wondering how many parents would make this decision really.
15/16yr old fairly young for their age but adamant they don't want to move abroad and school on a foreign school for one year nor leave their boyfriend and friends.

You're moving because your husband was made redundant, no work around and has been offered a job abroad.

Would you make your child go or what would you do?

OP posts:
Blogdog · 30/07/2021 21:28

Oops - cross post, sorry

RickOShay · 30/07/2021 21:29

Have you talked to them about it? Have you got siblings?
I know how long pain can last Flowers

Smartiepants79 · 30/07/2021 21:30

No, unless the child was going to live with their other parent who was stable, trustworthy and someone I got on with (and my child got on with) very well. The way you word it I presume that your husband is not the father of the child??
At 15 I think I’d still be saying that the adult in the relationship made the decisions that were best for the family and the children come if that’s what’s decided.
It depends on so many things and a family split makes all the difference.
What does her father say if he’s involved?
Where would she stay.
Overall I would probably say that no, I would not leave my DD, I’d wait til they’d finished school at least.

Original poster
Horehound · 30/07/2021 21:30

To me it was sold as a "five year thing" which turned out to be three times as long.

My brother was at uni and obviously didn't go either but I'm still wondering why they left me.

My dad recently made a comment about how I was very strong minded and it was "very doffy" but he didn't mean difficult as in leaving me, he means I was difficult to persuade.

I honestly remember one short conversation about it Confused

OP posts:
RickOShay · 30/07/2021 21:32

Have you told them how you feel?

Tinpotspectator · 30/07/2021 21:32

Not a chance.

Bitofachinwag · 30/07/2021 21:33

Do you wish that they had made you go with them?

Original poster
Horehound · 30/07/2021 21:33

@Sillawithans

I couldn't imagine leaving them, but we often make different decisions when we're up against it.

My mother ran off with my best friends father when I was 14 so I understand how you may have felt abandoned.

Yes I am filled with issues of abandonment. I've hopped relationship to relationship seeking love and a constant in my life. Luckily I did finally meet the perfect man for me on 2014 and wearried have a house and a son with number two on the way. My parents are now back on this country too so I'm happy my son has a good relationship with them.

But yeh I think now I have a child I just absolutely cannot ever imagine I'd leave him like that.

My parents say they thought they made the right choice and my mum has said if she had made me go, she wasn't sure if I'd hate them/resent them etc.
But at the same time she doesn't seem too fussed about it. They always kind of downplay my feelings about things and say I am too sensitive.

OP posts:
Original poster
Horehound · 30/07/2021 21:36

@Bitofachinwag

Do you wish that they had made you go with them?
I feel like either mum should have stayed with me for a year or two at least with lots of holidays to where my dad was (not a long haul flight or anything) or I wish they took me. But I can't say too much now because o wouldn't have met my husband and had my son with him so now that these things have happened I guess I wouldn't turn the clock back

I'm just sad they left me I suppose. I really wasn't streetwise, quite young and naive etc

OP posts:
colouringindoors · 30/07/2021 21:37

Not in a million years!!!

MarshaBradyo · 30/07/2021 21:38

No

colouringindoors · 30/07/2021 21:38

Oh gosh OP, I'm sorry this happened to you.

Original poster
Horehound · 30/07/2021 21:39

@minipie

Ah ok cross posted.

Yes I can see why you are hurt OP.

Many parents of previous generations had very different ideas from today about putting children first.

Yes I can see this in the way my dad makes comments about how I parent my son. I think I am more attentive/caring towards him than they were to me and my brother but my dad just thinks everything about having a kid's was easy.

Yes that's because we were left to cry it out and became good sleepers, weren't fussy with food, did as we were told because they were quite strict and we knew we had to to as we were told etc
Whereas they see me as more lax and give my son choices/options.

OP posts:
RuthW · 30/07/2021 21:40

No way would I go.

MarshaBradyo · 30/07/2021 21:40

That is hurtful

Did you see each other very much?

RuleOfCat · 30/07/2021 21:42

We would not have done that to our DC - but our DD1 did announce aged 15 that she wanted to take part in a 3-month language exchange in France (we're not in the UK, where we live it's normal for 16year olds to do extended language stays). We took a deep gulp and said ok - but only because it was her decision to go. If it had been the other way round, with parents leaving the DC, I think you'd be justified in feeling abandoned. Why would your mum follow your dad around instead of putting her dc first for a year or two until you were 18? I think that mentality was pretty common 30 years ago though.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 30/07/2021 21:43

That’s the age when teens need you the most IME 🙁

TinaYouFatLard · 30/07/2021 21:45

I’m glad you are now surrounded by a loving family OP.

Sometimes I think about decisions made by my parents and parents of my friends and I cannot believe some of the things that were deemed acceptable.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 30/07/2021 21:46

They always kind of downplay my feelings about things and say I am too sensitive.

They're wrong about this. I think most people would be deeply hurt by what they did. I would have been.

they see me as more lax and give my son choices/options.
When your dad comments on this in future, say 'you and I have very different approaches to being a parent, Dad. I'm happy with how I do it'.

Original poster
Horehound · 30/07/2021 21:47

I went out once or twice a year and my mum did fly home every few months but I wouldn't say it was for long or very often. She also went around visiting other friends and family so I really only remember if she came over I'd see her for a couple of days.
Obviously if I went out I'd see them for a week or two.

The other thing that happened was after finishing school I was going to go to college in the same city as my brother. So my parents bought a flat and me and my brother lived there together however we didn't get on at all. We never did when we were younger so this really was an absolute disaster.

In the end they sold that flat, my brother bought a house and my parents bought a tiny studio flat for me to stay in...them charged me rent!
I was at college full time and had money.

I have emails where I've asked my dad if he would pay my phone bill and he replied with really abrupt "no. Get a job" type things.
I did get part time jobs in Asda and Austin reed etc but it was still hard to live on.
In the end I got into debt, had defaults on my credit file. My mum went mental when she found out and o just think back and wonder how the hell they thought I'd manage without their help?
And basically it led to me being reliant on boyfriends helping me.

Things are better now but yeh I think about this every now and then and am still confused by it all.

I have had counselling but I guess I need more.

OP posts:
Original poster
Horehound · 30/07/2021 21:50

@Skiptheheartsandflowers

They always kind of downplay my feelings about things and say I am too sensitive.

They're wrong about this. I think most people would be deeply hurt by what they did. I would have been.

they see me as more lax and give my son choices/options.
When your dad comments on this in future, say 'you and I have very different approaches to being a parent, Dad. I'm happy with how I do it'.

Thank you for this I am glad I posted as this really is the first time i have had it confirmed to me that many(all other?!) parents would not do this!

And that is a good sentence to use to my dad...thank you for that!

OP posts:
Original poster
Horehound · 30/07/2021 21:51

Meant to say "I was at college full time and had NO money*!!

OP posts:
Binnaggy · 30/07/2021 21:54

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

GrrRightBackAtYou · 30/07/2021 21:56

So awful for you Sad Flowers

GreenBiro · 30/07/2021 21:57

This happened to a friend of mine.

It really messed her up,

It was neglect really.