Would you leave your 15/16yr old to move abroad?

[Horehound]

Just wondering how many parents would make this decision really.
15/16yr old fairly young for their age but adamant they don't want to move abroad and school on a foreign school for one year nor leave their boyfriend and friends.

You're moving because your husband was made redundant, no work around and has been offered a job abroad.

Would you make your child go or what would you do?

No

@campion

TatianaBis Father was made redundant and couldn’t find a new job, offered one abroad. What where they supposed to do?

Well on that particular point the OP said her mother ran a successful business so it wasn't a financial imperative. He could have gone abroad alone to see how the job and lifestyle were in reality. It's hard to believe he could only find employment there.

I would suggest what they should have done was to put their children's needs first and not abandon them. It's disrupted OP's attachment to them and that will probably never heal.

Her dad still needs to work though. People take jobs abroad all the time and move their kids. If you can’t get work here and you can abroad of course you would go where the work is, immigrants do it.

Whats the point of going abroad to try it out when he knows he’s going for 5 years at least and they both want to go?

My guess is they thought they were putting OP’s needs first by letting her do what she wanted and not insisting.

No I absolutely wouldn't.

fifteen to sixteen year olds have had an absolutely terrible time over the past two years with the pandemic across the board.

I'm sorry but if your DH wanted to leave you all to go abroad after everything that has happened I would be telling him to play a game of fuck off and I'd go first.

You are well rid of him if he pursues this idea.

divorce on the cards, at least I hope to God it is at your end.
Can't imagine what kind of a 'family' you would have otherwise.

If DH wants to find work here, he can.

Nothing stopping him if he is determined. He just sound incredibly selfish and self centred. and quite frankly awful.

Your parents sound awful. This is neglect. What they did to you and your DB was at 8 & 9 was awful too! They've clearly made their decisions to suit themselves and have been completely selfish. And now they fancy a go a 'doting grandparents'.
They abandoned you at 16 but fancy sauntering back into your life now. Are they bored? Or broke?

I wouldn't go but would be fine about DH working abroad if that was where work was to be found.

@Hillary17

Speaking from experience here, it is a terrible thing to do and causes no end of pain. My mother left me when I was 15 because I didn’t want to move to the other side of the country when she got married. I wasn’t old enough to understand what being left alone meant, how to be a grown up or make my own decisions fully and it caused me some serious trauma and resentment over the years. She paid for me to live in a flat and thought that was enough to show she cared. I’ve never forgiven her for leaving me; she is convinced she did the right thing because I didn’t want to leave my friends. Please do not do this to your child.

Yup, I relate to all of this. to you

I know someone in his 50s that this was done to at 16 and I don’t think he’s really over it.

He was the youngest child and his parents decided they couldn’t wait any longer.

He said on one hand he was the coolest kid in sixth form because everyone came back to his to party, but on the other hand it’s left him with life long insecurity.

Not surprised you still feel affected OP.

A friend of ours did this from a similar age and their children went to relatives. They moved because they wanted to live in France, not for business reasons.

Having had 3 teenagers I would simply say that you should not underestimate how much they need their parents. They will not of course say that ...... but it is true.

Would you not wish to be there to give the hug that is needed when their first love affair collapses?

Until you have a 15 year old yourself you will never know how tricky it is to do the right thing. My mum/dad and two younger sisters were in a similar situation as you - my sisters were something like 15 and 14. My 15 year old sister did not want to go - similar scenario ie she had her first boyfriend, friends etc. It got to a point where my sister ended up pretending she would go and then ran away on the day of the flight. My mum was in contact with a therapist for advice the whole period and was advised not to force my sister to go so gave her the option of staying with my aunt. But that didn't work out and after a year she ended up living with me when I was 21 (which also wasn't so great). It was not that easy as just staying as my dad needed my mum for various reasons and there was my other sister to consider.
I have to say this experience did not effect my sister in anyway - she's a powerhouse. BUT what it did was affect my youngist sister who after they moved became very upset she was made to go and my other sister was not. She went off the rails and never recovered.
I have 15 year olds now - its not that easy to tell them what to do.
Although I do agree with others - from what you said in your mum's situation I would have stayed with you and not moved.
Parents try and do the best they can but its not always good enough. But we are only human and we do make mistakes. I hope you find some peace and can leave this part of your life in the past and enjoy the present and future.

@tatianabis I am 99% certain they'd have been fine running mums business together for a while. He didn't need the job but it was a nice place to live, good benefits so I can see why it was an attractive option.
But I feel maybe mum didn't have to go quite as fast as she did tbh. It was all very rushed. Also when they were out there they knew I was struggling at times. I made drunken phone calls on the middle of the night to them telling my mum I missed her so much.
But there never seemed to be any talk of well, why dont you come and try it out here or mum coming home even for a month or so just to check on me. (The first two years she didn't work whilst she was abroad!)

So everything may seem so black and white and easy to you, but to a 15yr old it isn't and once it's all said and done, I cannot help how I feel about it all now.

I’m similar age to you OP and my parents wouldn’t have done this. It’s not a generational decision, it’s a selfish twat decision. If they’re home now, maybe you could go to family counselling together?

I'm horrified they sent you away at 8 for a year, separating you from your brother, then left you at 15 having put such a big decision on your shoulders about going or staying and have rewritten history to say that you were some how difficult. That they let you get into financial difficulties at a young age having effectively abandoned you. They have been very selfish.

Having moved schools at 9 and 12 it is very hard to fit in and be the newcomer, doing that at 15 in a new country, mid exam course would have been very difficult.

Not in a million years.

(The first two years she didn't work whilst she was abroad!)

Wow that’s absolutely shocking. What the hell were they thinking!

I wouldn’t leave her behind and move out of the country.

Starting a new school in a new country is not that different than when students start as freshers at uni. Most would have moved from elsewhere and are missing their mates.
Difference is that She will be doing it three years before she’s 18, if she moves abroad with you.

Also, another point to consider, the job might start on a one year contract then gets extended. What will you do then? Keep living apart from your husband if you and your daughter decide to stay?

Out of curiosity- Which country is he moving to?

Have you posted about this before OP? I’m. We rain I remember this exact scenario

Yes I would have insisted that my husband went alone or if permanent would have basically made us all go

@Summerfun54321 she has just always always always put my dad first

@TheWholeJingbang

Have you posted about this before OP? I’m. We rain I remember this exact scenario

Yes I would have insisted that my husband went alone or if permanent would have basically made us all go

Well I was certain I hadn't but maybe I have and have forgotten! I have been on this site a long long time with some name changes. But also it does seem like there's a few of us with the same experiences unfortunately

Am so sorry this happened to you. I have 3 daughters. The youngest is 15 and she needs me going through all the difficult teenage tears transitioning to adult years. Must be hard for you to comprehend this being a mum yourself now.

I'm so sorry you had this experience OP.

There's absolutely no way I would have either forced a move abroad or left my child with family at that age.

At 15/16 children are on the brink of adulthood and need good parenting more than ever.

They have pressures of exams and of making life changing decisions without the maturity or experience to understand some of the repercussions.

I was so sad to read the comment about "get a job" when you had no money.

Yes - it's good for children to earn "pocket" money but not to pay for basic items and at 15 they are still a child.

To answer your question, I'd have stayed in the U.K. with my children and provided stability whilst DH worked abroad.

I'd have worked out with DH how we would manage visits as often as possible and found a way to make it work for a few years until my child went to Uni.

I'm not surprised you feel upset, maybe even resentful.

I'm not a perfect parent. We all make parenting mistakes, but leaving a teen at a vulnerable age is not an arbitrary error of judgement.

It's bloody shitty, selfish parenting and YANBU to tell them that.

Just read more of your replies and am totally shocked at how they neglected you then had the cheek to charge you rent when it wouldn't have been your choice to live alone! Honestly I really hope you can come to terms with this and know its not you being dramatic. Also splitting you up from your brother too. Its all absolutely bonkers. Poor you xxxx

No chance in hell would I leave my children.

Are you a family , or what?

OP so sorry that this happened to you. Have read the whole thread. Really dumbstruck that's parents could do this.

When I was 15 my father chose early retirement over a relocation as he did not want to uproot me and disturb my education etc. At 15 kids absolutely need stability. Hormones flying everywhere, GCSE's, boys, etc. the one bit of solidity a teen needs is their parents while they navigate the world on the brink of adulthood. I am glad my father saw that and I am so sorry your parents didn't.