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Original poster

Would you leave your 15/16yr old to move abroad?

232 replies

Horehound · 30/07/2021 21:20

Just wondering how many parents would make this decision really.
15/16yr old fairly young for their age but adamant they don't want to move abroad and school on a foreign school for one year nor leave their boyfriend and friends.

You're moving because your husband was made redundant, no work around and has been offered a job abroad.

Would you make your child go or what would you do?

OP posts:
TatianaBis · 30/07/2021 22:48

@campion

Many parents of previous generations had very different ideas from today about putting children first

Not really. It wasn't that long ago.

Your parents put themselves before their children's needs OP. Nothing to do with different generations and everything to do with their selfishness. No wonder you don't feel close to them.

Father was made redundant and couldn’t find a new job, offered one abroad. What where they supposed to do?
ConfusedNoMore · 30/07/2021 22:48

@Horehound oh and he also says burning the letter afterwards can feel good. Then you're letting it go. Interesting stuff about the importance of rituals.

Original poster
Horehound · 30/07/2021 22:48

@TatianaBis

I loved our home and our life and suddenly it was all gone.

You could have continued your life with your parents abroad no?

Yes but to me leaving school and starting a whole new one in a foreign country seemed really daunting to me. And all my friends and grandparents around me) I didn't want to leave that but I also didn't know what long term affects this would have on me...because I was young!
OP posts:
crabbingbucket · 30/07/2021 22:49

Not a fucking chance. Your DH is the adult, let him go abroad and you stay with the kids

ConfusedNoMore · 30/07/2021 22:51

It sounds like they didn't take much time to discuss it with you. Like they just said come or don't come, it's fine. If you were to try and sell it to a teenager surely you'd talk to them about school and opportunities and how you'd be able to see friends and stuff.

They sound utterly self absorbed.

Supersimkin2 · 30/07/2021 22:52

It's neglect by abandonment - a huge failure by the parents.

What gets me is the women who chase a new love affair at the expense of their children never get a happy relationship. Even if it lasts, it's abusive. Funny, that.

YeokensYegg · 30/07/2021 22:52

They still seem dismissive and toxic.
I don't think I could ever forgive them or have a relationship with them.

GrandDuchessRomanov · 30/07/2021 22:53

That must have been really, really hard OP.

I'm the least maternal woman you are likely to meet and even I could'nt do it.

My DS is 16.

TatianaBis · 30/07/2021 22:53

Daunting but exciting no?

Chance to see the world, to learn a new language (depending on destination), new culture, make new friends etc.

Original poster
Horehound · 30/07/2021 22:54

@Megan2018

My MIL moved abroad and left DH as a 15yo. She took his younger siblings and went chasing after an abusive new partner (a pilot). Their relationship is horrific- he lost all contact with his siblings who were so much younger they now speak another language, and is almost nc with his mother who refuses to acknowledge the harm it did. This all happened 33 years ago. There’s absolutely no way I’d break up a family unit.

DH was passed from pillar to post until he was 18 then left to fend for himself financially and emotionally.

It's so sad isn't it? I feel sorry for your DH. I suppose at least it gives us clarity as to what not to do with our children!

Hope you're well, haven't spoken to you in a wee while (you're on my FB!) X

OP posts:
lancaster · 30/07/2021 22:55

No way

Original poster
Horehound · 30/07/2021 22:56

@TatianaBis

Daunting but exciting no?

Chance to see the world, to learn a new language (depending on destination), new culture, make new friends etc.

I mean, at 15, no I didn't want to change my life up like that. I was happy with things as they were. I had my first love bf and didn't want to be away from him.

In my late 20's I definitely thought "damn I wish I'd gone". I had great holidays out there for sure and I would have been fluent in a new language etc but when I was 15 and faced with that decision i didn't really think about that...

OP posts:
TatianaBis · 30/07/2021 22:57

I think if you’d put 5 year permanent job in the OP you would have got different replies.

For 1 year a mother could stay in the U.K. while DH worked away until the job was over.

But for a permanent role - 5 years, that’s not realistic, the whole family would have to go.

xyzandabc · 30/07/2021 22:58

We were a bit younger, around 12 and 14 but my dad was abroad for 3 years. Boarding school was talked about but in the end my mum stayed here with us as we were both at good schools. We visited my dad in school holidays, at Easter and in the summer, and he'd come home for Christmas and maybe another week elsewhere in the year. I think he would have stayed abroad longer but my sibling went a bit off the rails so he came home to help my mum deal with sibling.

15/16 is an awful time to move abroad. Exam time, hard to start again when friendship groups are very well established, choices to be made about what to do after finishing school. I would let DH go abroad (if he really really had to) and stay here with the kids until they were at least 18 unless they actually said they wanted to move to the other country.

Original poster
Horehound · 30/07/2021 22:59

@ConfusedNoMore

It sounds like they didn't take much time to discuss it with you. Like they just said come or don't come, it's fine. If you were to try and sell it to a teenager surely you'd talk to them about school and opportunities and how you'd be able to see friends and stuff.

They sound utterly self absorbed.

Yes, this is how I remember the convo. It was "we are going, are you coming and if you're not coming then pick something to do at college" That's all I remember! Self absorbed... yes they are.
OP posts:
TatianaBis · 30/07/2021 22:59

I think your parents are quite odd, but if you were determined to stay at home with your bf and grandparents, I don’t know what else they could have done?

If they’d forced you to go you would be complaining they were cruel to make you give up your life.

Katypyee · 30/07/2021 22:59

Similar happened to me at 16. My parents emigrated to Canada. I had just started my A Levels and had a DBF. I didn't want to go. Made to go and I did have a good time but still had my DBF so moved back to the UK when I was 18. Resented my parents at the time.

Now at 48, I see that they were trying to better their lives for us. Give us a better life. No relationship at 15/16 lasts, be it a partner or friends really. Although at that age it seems like everything.

I married my DBF but we were too young and got divorced. Thankfully no kids.

I am married again with 2 DC. At 42 myself and DH made the decision to emigrate to Canada with our 2 kids to better our lives and theirs.

Now as an adult I can see why my parents did what they did and looking back, I really did not know it all.

Just a different perspective really.

idontlikealdi · 30/07/2021 23:01

No way. I also wouldn't expect your marriage to survive if you stay and he goes. Expat brat here, it tests the trailing spouses, never mind the ones that stay behind.

Hillary17 · 30/07/2021 23:01

Speaking from experience here, it is a terrible thing to do and causes no end of pain. My mother left me when I was 15 because I didn’t want to move to the other side of the country when she got married. I wasn’t old enough to understand what being left alone meant, how to be a grown up or make my own decisions fully and it caused me some serious trauma and resentment over the years. She paid for me to live in a flat and thought that was enough to show she cared. I’ve never forgiven her for leaving me; she is convinced she did the right thing because I didn’t want to leave my friends. Please do not do this to your child.

Megan2018 · 30/07/2021 23:01

@Horehound yes whenever I worry I’m not good enough as a parent I think of her and think “nah, I’m good”!

I’m sorry it happened to you. I struggle to be civil to MIL, fortunately she lives abroad still so contact has been minimal. She is desperate for a relationship with DD but I keep her at arms length as she’s a toxic old bat. She sends lovely presents but she has the emotional range of a teaspoon.

Original poster
Horehound · 30/07/2021 23:03

@TatianaBis

I think if you’d put 5 year permanent job in the OP you would have got different replies.

For 1 year a mother could stay in the U.K. while DH worked away until the job was over.

But for a permanent role - 5 years, that’s not realistic, the whole family would have to go.

And yet I didn't and they didn't make me.

My mum has said she's questioned if I'd have resented them if they'd have made me go and o imagine if I hated it then yes I would have but if I loved it I wouldn't have. But how would I know what to expect. As i said, i was young and naive minded.

OP posts:
campion · 30/07/2021 23:04

TatianaBis
Father was made redundant and couldn’t find a new job, offered one abroad. What where they supposed to do?

Well on that particular point the OP said her mother ran a successful business so it wasn't a financial imperative. He could have gone abroad alone to see how the job and lifestyle were in reality. It's hard to believe he could only find employment there.

I would suggest what they should have done was to put their children's needs first and not abandon them. It's disrupted OP's attachment to them and that will probably never heal.

TatianaBis · 30/07/2021 23:04

@Hillary17

Speaking from experience here, it is a terrible thing to do and causes no end of pain. My mother left me when I was 15 because I didn’t want to move to the other side of the country when she got married. I wasn’t old enough to understand what being left alone meant, how to be a grown up or make my own decisions fully and it caused me some serious trauma and resentment over the years. She paid for me to live in a flat and thought that was enough to show she cared. I’ve never forgiven her for leaving me; she is convinced she did the right thing because I didn’t want to leave my friends. Please do not do this to your child.
So what should she have done - forced you to leave your friends? Wouldn’t you have resented that too?
chipsandgin · 30/07/2021 23:06

Same for my brother and I OP so I get it - thankfully neither of us have carried it with us, we just get on with being better parents than she was.

Some people are fundamentally selfish & if they happen to be your parents it’s not your fault. I don’t really let it bother me, I get it’s not that easy and I have incredible friends and a lot of support, plus ultimately I’m better off without relying on someone who doesn’t prioritise me. There is no point at all in letting their decision impact your life when you had no control over it - if I have any advice it would be to just be better than them & let it go. Nobody wins if you carry it with you Flowers

NYNYNYNYNYNYNYNYNYNYNYNYN · 30/07/2021 23:06

Never would I do this. My kids always come first.

I'm sorry you've experienced this