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Original poster

Would you leave your 15/16yr old to move abroad?

232 replies

Horehound · 30/07/2021 21:20

Just wondering how many parents would make this decision really.
15/16yr old fairly young for their age but adamant they don't want to move abroad and school on a foreign school for one year nor leave their boyfriend and friends.

You're moving because your husband was made redundant, no work around and has been offered a job abroad.

Would you make your child go or what would you do?

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 30/07/2021 21:58

I think OP that decisions that were made then wouldn’t necessarily be made now. A lot of women put husbands first , far more than would now I feel

JustMeAndWheatley · 30/07/2021 21:58

I would stay here with the 15 yo and let dh work abroad, coming home when he can.
It’s what we do (or did pre-Covid and plan to do again soon).

If dh asked me to choose between him and the children I would always pick the children.

JustMeAndWheatley · 30/07/2021 22:00

Just read the whole thread and totally understand why you feel as you do.

Original poster
Horehound · 30/07/2021 22:01

My therapist didn't suggest that but I honestly don't feel I can because I just know they will turn it back to me or brush it off.

I definitely have mentioned things in the past and it's just always "we had to go, you didn't want to"
They've always been weird with money, always strings attached. I could write a whole other thread about that tbh.

I really wouldn't want to bring it up with them tbh. Me and my brother have heart to hearts and my DH listens to me when my feelings crop up about it every now and then.

OP posts:
colouringindoors · 30/07/2021 22:01

OP your parents sound really toxic.

You don't actually have to see them if you don't want to.

Original poster
Horehound · 30/07/2021 22:06

@GreenBiro

This happened to a friend of mine.

It really messed her up,

It was neglect really.

They also had me and my brother stay at our grandparents house when they were setting up their business that my mum ran. But I went to one set and my brother went to the other. So not only was I separated from my parents I was separated from my brother too. It was my brother's therapist who pointed that out. We were about 8 and 9 and the time and that lasted a year. I bawled my eyes out to my counselor about that when I described the relationship o had with my parents Vs the relationship I had with my parents. She said "you always waited on your parents, but your grandparents were always waiting on you". And they were. My grandparents were fantastic and did so much for me. Thank god
OP posts:
meg70 · 30/07/2021 22:06

@Skiptheheartsandflowers

They always kind of downplay my feelings about things and say I am too sensitive.

They're wrong about this. I think most people would be deeply hurt by what they did. I would have been.

they see me as more lax and give my son choices/options.
When your dad comments on this in future, say 'you and I have very different approaches to being a parent, Dad. I'm happy with how I do it'.

Totally agree with this!
Original poster
Horehound · 30/07/2021 22:08

@colouringindoors

OP your parents sound really toxic.

You don't actually have to see them if you don't want to.

Yes I believe aspects are/were. Now though they are good with my son, they have done some stuff for me and my brother in the last few years since they have come back and I wonder if they are trying to make up for it all. Not sure.
OP posts:
meg70 · 30/07/2021 22:09

So sorry this happened to you. X

LynetteScavo · 30/07/2021 22:09

It all sounds very bizarre OP- what if you were poorly? Or decided to have wild parties? Or didn't bother going to school? Were you just not parented at all?

LIZS · 30/07/2021 22:12

Did you post about this before? I don't think you will be able to rationalise the choice but perhaps need some help to put it behind you.

Wineat5isfine · 30/07/2021 22:12

Gosh no! Would never leave my children at that age.

I’m so sorry that you went through this 💐

MarshaBradyo · 30/07/2021 22:13

I think the hard part is that they could justify it then and it’s unlikely that will change now.

Brushing it off etc will still be painful.

It’s good you can talk to your brother and dh to try and process it

Original poster
Horehound · 30/07/2021 22:14

@LynetteScavo I was at my grandparents for the final year of school and i wasn't the type to just not go. I always went.

I was never really I'll enough to warrant them coming over to help.
Once I did have a bad vomiting bug when k was living on my own but had a bf and my bf for his parents to come and collect me and took me to their house. Another time my gran came and got me and I stayed with her.
One time o did go to hospital for pain in my abdomen and I was in for three days waiting on diagnosis but neither of my parents came over. I was messaging them and I did have calls fr other family members checking on me but only my boyfriend came to visit me. Although o think I would have said to mum it wasn't serious enough for her or dad to come over.

OP posts:
Original poster
Horehound · 30/07/2021 22:16

@LIZS

Did you post about this before? I don't think you will be able to rationalise the choice but perhaps need some help to put it behind you.
Mmm I don't think I have. I've maybe mentioned my parents being abroad before but I don't think I've mentioned how it made me feel.

Yes need help to accept it I suppose

OP posts:
crankysaurus · 30/07/2021 22:23

I'm sorry, that sounds really neglectful. I think your feelings of being upset and abandoned are very valid Flowers

campion · 30/07/2021 22:24

Many parents of previous generations had very different ideas from today about putting children first

Not really. It wasn't that long ago.

Your parents put themselves before their children's needs OP. Nothing to do with different generations and everything to do with their selfishness. No wonder you don't feel close to them.

dotdotdotdash · 30/07/2021 22:24

Good that you've had counselling. Keep going.

This is neglect. It's shocking that they left you like that. You must have felt so alone - honestly my heart goes out to you.

wasgoingmadinthecountry · 30/07/2021 22:26

DH worked away, I stayed home. Not great for my career but great for my kids. My parents moved abroad but I was working by then.

Whattodoaboutnothing · 30/07/2021 22:27

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

KittenMama · 30/07/2021 22:28

No, my mother toyed around with ideas of going places for extended periods, moving away throughout my teen years. I felt like she was abandoning me, she never did it but it certainly felt like that emotionally. It really impacted my relationship with her, amongst other things.

Original poster
Horehound · 30/07/2021 22:29

Thank you so much everyone. Flowers

I haven't seen a therapist in an few years but I will definitely start up again.

OP posts:
dalrympy · 30/07/2021 22:31

Mine went when I was 18 and that was hard enough. 15 is far too young.

Minniem2020 · 30/07/2021 22:31

No I absolutely wouldn't do this. My mum moved away when I was 15, not even abroad but a 4 hour drive away. I was completely devastated and ended up going slightly off the rails. Now I'm mum to dd 15, I can say with 100% certainty I wouldn't do it.

Cameleongirl · 30/07/2021 22:32

One of my friends is dealing with somewhat similar situation right now. Her DH lost his job four years ago and they struggled for 18 months (she works as well but they needed two incomes) before he was offered a well-paying job abroad. He’s been there for two years, visited as often as he could given Covid. She’s now moving there with their 14-year-old, the older children are at university and will stay here. I’m not sure what her DS thinks about moving and she has to leave her job, of course. It’s not ideal but to answer your question, no, she wouldn’t leave him behind. I’m sorry you’ve had such a difficult experience, OP.💐

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