Would you leave your 15/16yr old to move abroad?

[Horehound]

Just wondering how many parents would make this decision really.
15/16yr old fairly young for their age but adamant they don't want to move abroad and school on a foreign school for one year nor leave their boyfriend and friends.

You're moving because your husband was made redundant, no work around and has been offered a job abroad.

Would you make your child go or what would you do?

Not a chance would I leave my kids behind. Nor would I uproot them fir their final year of school. If money was that tight (which it can't have been if your mum also had a successful business) then I would have stayed behind while my husband went abroad to work.

My best friend's parents emigrated with her younger brother when she was 18, yes she was technically an adult but she was still at school. She was very upset but eventually followed then and has a good relationship with them now. I wouldn't do it in a million years op, i wouldn't blame you for feeling upset/resentful.

I think it's a abandonment too, at 16. I think they were right to charge you a bit if rent a d expect you to cover bills by the time you were at college though. It's really not hard to have a job at college. Let's be honest when you're at uni and you're childless there's alot of time in the day and at weekends.

I wouldn’t make child go, not a good age for them to move and not fair. It would depend on the set up at home, I would have been much happier at boarding school at 16 and mum overseas than living at home. If child is confident and doing well and believes they can manage and has family support with grandparents then could be ok. Might be better to let husband go and mum be part time in both locations if she’s flexible with the business though?

Totally unsurprising @Minniem2020. You're not equipped at that age to get on well without parents! I hope you had other people looking out for you.

@Minniem2020

No I absolutely wouldn't do this. My mum moved away when I was 15, not even abroad but a 4 hour drive away. I was completely devastated and ended up going slightly off the rails. Now I'm mum to dd 15, I can say with 100% certainty I wouldn't do it.

Yep. Off the rails I did go :(

My mother did this to me OP. Slight difference is that she went with my stepdad and half sister and left me (15) and my 14 year old brother here with our dad. My dad worked away in London though and we are in the north east so we basically dragged ourselves up with no parents around. She wonders why I went off the rails 🙄

My auntie left my 16 year old cousin to live in a foreign country with a man she met on the Internet.

She's a cunt, though.

@Dogoodfeelgood

I wouldn’t make child go, not a good age for them to move and not fair. It would depend on the set up at home, I would have been much happier at boarding school at 16 and mum overseas than living at home. If child is confident and doing well and believes they can manage and has family support with grandparents then could be ok. Might be better to let husband go and mum be part time in both locations if she’s flexible with the business though?

She sold the business so had no ties 🤷

These days you'd have to tell Social Services. You can't emigrate leaving your children behind.

Mind you, I know a couple who did. DC were just 18. It didn't end well.

@Horehound

My therapist didn't suggest that but I honestly don't feel I can because I just know they will turn it back to me or brush it off.

I definitely have mentioned things in the past and it's just always "we had to go, you didn't want to"
They've always been weird with money, always strings attached. I could write a whole other thread about that tbh.

I really wouldn't want to bring it up with them tbh. Me and my brother have heart to hearts and my DH listens to me when my feelings crop up about it every now and then.

My therapist suggests writing letters you don't send. In fact, he would say don't raise it with them in reality because they will dismiss your feelings as you already said. But writing all down is healthy. Even on here is good.

I don't think parents in general in the 80s were child centred. My own parents were quite neglectful and it's taken until now for me to really accept that.

It's great you found a good partner now and you have your own family. If you can recognise the past and be different for your own children, that's quite healing I find.

I think you're grieving this hard now your relationship with your own kids has brought your parents' emotional neglect into sharp relief. Because that's what it was, it has left you with a cruel legacy. Stay in therapy, read lots of self help books, and keep your distance from them emotionally, because clearly they're all about minimising and dismissing the damage they did to you.

Such sad stories.☹️ The key difference with my friend’s situation is that they have every intention of coming back and I know her DS has struggled without his Dad around.

@Guineapigbridge

I think it's a abandonment too, at 16. I think they were right to charge you a bit if rent a d expect you to cover bills by the time you were at college though. It's really not hard to have a job at college. Let's be honest when you're at uni and you're childless there's alot of time in the day and at weekends.

Yes fair enough about the getting a job, I mean I was going to get one anyway but I think the bit that was hard was if I went to them and asked for money or help with a bill it was always a "no".

Yet if they had stayed here they'd have paid for various things I'm sure. I also think I'd have stayed at home with them so it was their decision that propelled me into having to survive for myself whereas most people who go to college or uni it's their choice to leave the nest. And I know I wouldn't have for at least 2+ years. I loved our home and our life and suddenly it was all gone.

My MIL moved abroad and left DH as a 15yo. She took his younger siblings and went chasing after an abusive new partner (a pilot).
Their relationship is horrific- he lost all contact with his siblings who were so much younger they now speak another language, and is almost nc with his mother who refuses to acknowledge the harm it did.
This all happened 33 years ago. There’s absolutely no way I’d break up a family unit.

DH was passed from pillar to post until he was 18 then left to fend for himself financially and emotionally.

I wouldn’t go. If you don’t need his income then you must be doing well so surely you can support him until he finds a job?

Money isn’t the be all and end all and really not ideal to move a 15/16 year old. I wouldn’t move abroad at all, ever, if my dc didn’t want to. Unless they were young.

@dotdotdotdash Thank you. Luckily I had my closest friends mum. You're right, in my experience that's when you need your parents the most (even though you'd never admit it!)

In the reverse OP you say 1 year, but later you said they were going as a ‘5 year thing’.

I think most 15/16 year olds would just go with their parents.

Not a chance.
A member of our family did this about 20 years ago. She had 4 kids under 16. It screwed them up really bad.

Poor kid. No harm in waiting a couple of years till child is a steady adult, either off to uni or in work. Leave them the house to live in and off you go. No way would I move abroad before youngest is 20.
At 19 I had left home and was raising a family of my own, council house and min wage job, but I hope for more for my kids.
Thankfully I'm finally sorting my life out now but my parents views haven't helped me along the way. They didn't move away but theyre a bit 50s If you know what I mean....

I hope I'm a better parent.

I loved our home and our life and suddenly it was all gone.

You could have continued your life with your parents abroad no?

Nope. Never would I move somewhere else without my 16 year old child. 16 years old is too young to be left without parents. I would have stayed with you if I was you mum. I'm sorry you feel abandoned.

I am not saying what your parents did was right but my grandmother was busy with her own life, adored my dad and often left him in the care of trusted friends/relatives. Do you think your parents thought you would be cared for without him?

Them*

Thanks @ConfusedNoMore I will try the letter thing and not send. I have seen that suggested on here before and haven't ever thought of doing it myself!I just thought to myself "well I know I will be a better parent to my son" so that's something!

@RadandMad I agree with all you say. And one thing I am guilty of is telling them too much info about what's going on in my life. I need to hold back with them but sometimes I think I'm back in teen mode..!

I'm sorry to everyone else who has felt like this.

Oh sorry OP I commented without reading the full thread oops. My comment was because my mum actually was going to move overseas to move in with her boyfriend when I was 16 and I had the option of boarding, and I was really happy with this. She ended up not doing it because my Aunt told her she would regret it forever if she left. After not moving she met my stepdad and they married and he was horrendous (also charged me rent when I was at uni and had no money!). So for me I always feel like I would have had a better time if she’d just gone overseas to be with boyfriend number 1 as he was actually lovely! I’m really sorry you had such a hard time, our 30s bring up so many memories and feelings don’t they. I really love @the.holistic.psychologist on Instagram for inspo on this particular topic and I highly recommend “social intelligence” by Daniel Goleman - that blew my mind and helped me understand myself better in terms of relationships with parents.