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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

A huge crush on a married man. Sitting here crippled, it’s ridiculous

170 replies

TemporaryMadness · 30/07/2021 13:51

I’ve namechanged.

I am in a relationship long term but we’ve been apart for the past 12 months due to CV. Work took us to different countries for the pandemic. Something has floundered there.

Cue me talking up a new sport. Meeting new people. Meeting this man.

Does any of this even matter, I’m just embarrassed and mortified and completely consumed with a crush on him. He is friendly, cheeky, interesting. We train together (long hours).

It’s pulled my head upside down and inside out.

And I finally raised it. I had distanced myself and he kept asking what’s wrong. I said i felt weird how drawn we are to each other and although we have not done one single thing untoward (he really hasn’t) it’s inappropriate. He said yes and he knew, was mutual and we needed to talk about it. Air cleared. It was crazy, I didn’t cringe, there was no blame, it was easy and ok. We carried on and did our thing for the day.

Oh relief, but also peace in the fact he was feeling the same while knowing neither of us is prepared to do anything about it. And be friends.

He then called in yesterday post exercise. Chat chat, and flippantly says I’m not his type and tells me why.

I’m 46 years old. I have not experienced being “told” by someone like I’m a cow at a mart, why I’m “not their type”. Academically I was annoyed at having my traits laid out. I didn’t ask - why does he think he has permission to tell me his opinion of why? Emotionally - and I fully acknowledge this is RIDICULOUS - I was absolutely gutted, maybe even devastated, and also reeling.

I’ve no idea what’s going on in my head now.

Because nothing has happened and never will. And because he’s married, I haven’t talked to anyone about this unusual friendship. This feels so magnified as a result.

I feel like I’m 14 and a boy doesn’t like me. FFS! Absolutely stupid of me. But I need to say it somewhere.

OP posts:
SummerWhisper · 30/07/2021 14:07

Why does he think he has permission to tell me his opinion of [me]?

This is what you should be concentrating on. What an utterly arrogant twat.

5togo · 30/07/2021 14:11

I don’t think you should have said anything in the first place. He is married and now he’s knocked you back and it hurts.

gamerchick · 30/07/2021 14:14

It wasn't nice but he's squashed any twinkle, so you're feeling the effects of that because it doesn't match the picture you've had in your head. Tbh I would tell my husband to do the same sort of thing if he confided something like that to me
He's probably told his wife.

You will see him differently now though. Allow yourself those feelings then move on.

cookiecreampie · 30/07/2021 14:14

He must have liked you at one point because he told you it was mutual. It could just be his way of making sure you know that nothing will be happening and it's not going to go anywhere.

MiddleParking · 30/07/2021 14:16

Well obviously married men who go about saying that they’re mutually drawn to random women at their sports clubs are going to transpire to be dickheads Confused as are you for saying anything of the sort in the first place!

NakedAttraction · 30/07/2021 14:19

Sounds to me like he’s trying to convince himself that he doesn’t really like you in that way.

Yescheese · 30/07/2021 14:19

It was boorish, rude and nasty of him to list why he doesn't fancy you but tbh he's done you a favour as at least now you know he's a bit of a prick and your imagination can't run away with you thinking of how things could be. It's probably his misguided way of ensuring this goes nowhere but he should have just distanced himself, not done this. Try not to take the criticism personally, but do take it as a watershed to move on.

SoupDragon · 30/07/2021 14:19

Honestly, I think he's done the right thing to absolutely knock this on the head.

It hurts, yes, and it is embarrassing but it is better that it is firmly put in the "no way" box right away.

premium77 · 30/07/2021 14:19

Did he say physical attributes or personality traits or lifestyle differences? Because if it’s the latter I wouldn’t mind, but the first two I would find hurtful.

And to be petty I might tell him his flaws!

aiwblam · 30/07/2021 14:24

Could you train with someone else?

Sound like, between you, the line has been crossed (I don't mean cheating on your partners, I just mean that the conversation you had went outside the realms of a normal friendship and the friendship is therefore no more, or plain weird now).

MarleneDietrichsSmile · 30/07/2021 14:27

You were silly to discuss the mutual attraction. These things are much better said unspoken.

All it did was boost your egos, and then he even took that away with his little speech about you not being his type…

What was that about anyway? It’s not relevant? You were not going to act on it, so why did he bother to have this convo?

Also, in a kind way, your “crush” may just be limmerance or escape-fantasy. It’s easy to do, as you have never had to pick up his dirty socks, sort out who takes the bin out, argue about whose turn it is to delouse/worm the kids Grin All you know is that he’s a bit sporty, and open to female attention

Just let it go

Demilunary · 30/07/2021 14:29

Well, yes, he sounds pretty unpleasant — unless it’s a brilliantly effective technique for making sure you never rip each other’s clothes off after training — but surely, by telling him you were very attracted to him (or did you actually say you were both attracted to one another? In which case, how did you ‘know’ he was?), you’d set this in train.

I mean, the response could only be
(A) God, me too! Let’s shag immediately!
(B) Really? Honestly, it’s your imagination — I’ve never thought of you that was, plus I’m married…
(C) Eww, no, you’re not my type at all. You’re too x and y, and not z enough!
(D) Well, if we weren’t happily committed elsewhere, it might have gone somewhere…But we are.

He started off doing (D) and then did (C).

Which may well be the best thing he could have done for you, by knocking it on the head, even if it felt cruel. It’s not necessarily true, of course, but you should act as though it is and move on, and sort out or end your own relationship.

SecretOfChange · 30/07/2021 14:31

I think you made a mistake by looking for support in the wrong place. Lesson learnt, move on. I'd say it means you are ready to date so go and find some available people to date.

Rejection hurts - it'd be odd if it didn't. But no point crying over fish in the sea Grin

SecretOfChange · 30/07/2021 14:34

(Obvs end your dead relationship before you start dating).

Jerseygirl12 · 30/07/2021 14:34

Join another club and stop telling married men you are drawn to them.

NowEvenBetter · 30/07/2021 14:47

@Jerseygirl12

Join another club and stop telling married men you are drawn to them.
This. How embarrassing OP.
EvenRosesHaveThorns · 30/07/2021 14:48

He's married and not an object for your affections - don't be the OW....

mewkins · 30/07/2021 14:53

@Yescheese

It was boorish, rude and nasty of him to list why he doesn't fancy you but tbh he's done you a favour as at least now you know he's a bit of a prick and your imagination can't run away with you thinking of how things could be. It's probably his misguided way of ensuring this goes nowhere but he should have just distanced himself, not done this. Try not to take the criticism personally, but do take it as a watershed to move on.
And at least he showed what a twat he is before you threw away your relationship on him.
Mamette · 30/07/2021 14:57

why does he think he has permission to tell me his opinion of why?

Probably because you brought up the topic of being drawn to each other in the first place.

NewModelArmyMayhem18 · 30/07/2021 14:58

I guess by saying it was mutual, the guy opened himself up to acting on his feelings and opening the way to something happening between you both. He clearly thought the better of it and probably did himself and you a massive favour (although totally appreciate that it wasn't necessary to give you a 'reasons why I don't fancy you' list). Sorry that your ego has been bruised in the way that he rebuffed you which was entirely unnecessary but job done. I suspect he may not have actually believed what he was telling you anyway (about not being attracted to you) but sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

DerbyshireMama · 30/07/2021 15:01

You were trying to start an affair with another woman's husband (don't act coy and deny it, why else would you tell a married man you're attracted to him), yet you've turned yourself into the victim? Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

Angelofchaos · 30/07/2021 15:12

He has probably been coming up with reasons why he should get over his feelings and since you 2 have been so open about your feelings he has over shared them.

To be honest this whole situation is messed up. If I found out dp and one of his female friends had, had a long heart to heart about how they had feelings for each other. That there would be something if I wasn't in the picture. Then they continued to be besties, spending loads of time together and him 'popping in to see her'....I would tell him to pack his shit, go find you because I won't be in the picture anymore.

I would bet money, his wife doesn't know about any of this and isn't wavung him off while he goes to visit the woman that he fancies. Its totally inappropriate.

Both of you were inappropriate and he was, again, inappropriate with that discussion.

If this had have continued, you know it would become an affair. Best you have seen the light now.

poorbuthappy · 30/07/2021 15:18

Hang on, so you brought it up, he agreed it was mutual and then came back to tell you face to face why you aren't his type?

Jesus Christ what an arsehole.

Original poster
TemporaryMadness · 30/07/2021 15:19

So great to read the replies.

But I need to clear this up. I didn’t join a club and tell married men I’m drawn to them Hmm.

We met on the road when I’d come off my road bike and he helped me. I’m not in a club. Cue exchange of numbers, good bike repair shop info… making sure you get home safely on a broken bike type of thing.

Did I imagine he had a crush on me? I don’t think so? He didn’t flirt in a “I want to rip your clothes off, lets book a hotel” way. But he constantly said to me stuff along the lines of “I can’t get you out of my head / I’m amazed by you / you fascinate me” and asked my opinions on almost everything. He equally ripped the piss out of me and pushed me physically when we took up training together and it was a lot of fun. It was a very friendly rapport not dominated by the serious crush stuff. But it was intensifying. He texted constantly, all day, first thing in the morning, last thing at night.

I’d backed off with sports man, and I told my overseas partner I was getting distracted, I was not proud of that. I’ve been alone for 12 months solid and he was very good about it (that’s another story). So anyway I brought up the elephant in the room when he asked why I’m not so chatty. And I felt we did a good job of saying what we said and moving on and had a great day at the event. Job done.

Then three days later he knocks into my house and makes his speech.

Yes maybe I shouldn’t never have said anything!

No, he hasn’t told his wife that he trains or that we enter stuff together.

The bottom line is, it needed to stop and now it has. And I went to feel normal soon and not feel so dejected by it. I’ll also miss him as I loved his company, he is sharp and witty, and good company is few and far between.

OP posts:
Original poster
TemporaryMadness · 30/07/2021 15:21

@Mamette

why does he think he has permission to tell me his opinion of why?

Probably because you brought up the topic of being drawn to each other in the first place.

Yes fair point. But the convo was closed, done with, days previously. It just felt unnecessary.
OP posts: