A huge crush on a married man. Sitting here crippled, it’s ridiculous

[TemporaryMadness]

I’ve namechanged.

I am in a relationship long term but we’ve been apart for the past 12 months due to CV. Work took us to different countries for the pandemic. Something has floundered there.

Cue me talking up a new sport. Meeting new people. Meeting this man.

Does any of this even matter, I’m just embarrassed and mortified and completely consumed with a crush on him. He is friendly, cheeky, interesting. We train together (long hours).

It’s pulled my head upside down and inside out.

And I finally raised it. I had distanced myself and he kept asking what’s wrong. I said i felt weird how drawn we are to each other and although we have not done one single thing untoward (he really hasn’t) it’s inappropriate. He said yes and he knew, was mutual and we needed to talk about it. Air cleared. It was crazy, I didn’t cringe, there was no blame, it was easy and ok. We carried on and did our thing for the day.

Oh relief, but also peace in the fact he was feeling the same while knowing neither of us is prepared to do anything about it. And be friends.

He then called in yesterday post exercise. Chat chat, and flippantly says I’m not his type and tells me why.

I’m 46 years old. I have not experienced being “told” by someone like I’m a cow at a mart, why I’m “not their type”. Academically I was annoyed at having my traits laid out. I didn’t ask - why does he think he has permission to tell me his opinion of why? Emotionally - and I fully acknowledge this is RIDICULOUS - I was absolutely gutted, maybe even devastated, and also reeling.

I’ve no idea what’s going on in my head now.

Because nothing has happened and never will. And because he’s married, I haven’t talked to anyone about this unusual friendship. This feels so magnified as a result.

I feel like I’m 14 and a boy doesn’t like me. FFS! Absolutely stupid of me. But I need to say it somewhere.

He's not a nice guy, he's a jerk.

he constantly said to me stuff along the lines of “I can’t get you out of my head / I’m amazed by you / you fascinate me” and asked my opinions on almost everything. and also constantly texting!

He thought he was well in there to get his end away, then found out it wouldn't be happening.
So he thought he'd just be totally nasty.

He's a creep.

Namechanged.

There's some good advice on here, and some pretty harsh responses too. @TemporaryMadness - I can relate to your situation in quite a big way. I have a friend - we are both married - and the attraction between us is off the scale. We have (kind of) admitted this to each other, though nothing major has 'happened' and our spouses haven't noticed anything, it has in the past felt overwhelming.

HOWEVER - I certainly wouldn't risk my broadly very happy marriage for an affair, and I don't think he would either. There is far too much to lose and too many people would get hurt for the sake of what is merely an attraction. I am fairly sure that if one of us made a move on each other, or spelt out our feelings, the other would say 'okay, this is a BAD idea'. Perhaps this is what's happening here. You spelt out your feelings and then he felt he needed to tell you WHY nothing can happen.

Not sure I'm making much sense. But to all those telling the OP off a bit - I would have probably been similarly disapproving myself before I found myself in a similar-ish situation. In a way it's sort of irrelevant if he's a player or a dick or what his intention is. It's honestly horrible to feel you have an overwhelming connection with someone and can't do anything about it, so ultimately be kind to yourself and try to move on as best you can

I think he has behaved fine
You brought up being attracted to him
Rather than him just saying I am married and it lingering in the air like an if only for months he has clearly told you why he isn’t attracted to you

Your ego is bruised

@Rectusabominus

Agree with pp you are being “played” by the best. Similar thing happened to me years ago, played out in the same way. The knock back was not a list of reasons I wasn’t his type but more of a “thought about it and i don’t think there is the WOW factor so will leave it this time.” My response was to accept it completely and say that’s brilliant, no problem, now I know where I stand we can be friends.

This seemed to worry him as it was not what he expected and he started to pursue me again. I asked him why? Why are you doing this after officially turning me down?

On and on, cat and mouse/ it’s negging , it’s game playing. He has obviously done this before. If you are a serial married cheater you have to give the impression at least to yourself that you were and are being pursued every time and you did not go out and actively pursue it yourself. Then you can go back to your wife and talk about the desperate predatory women.

If you continued this into an affair you would soon find him twisting the language he uses
into implying that you are some sort of groupie or making you small and inferior. Just to reiterate the message that he was “on the edge” about starting a relationship in the first place and you persuaded him to. Always one foot in one foot out etc.

Run run run.

Thanks for posting. This is what I wanted to hear. Because there is something really stupid going on and I got sucked in. As I said in the title, I have huge crush on him. Yes I got sucked in. Your post makes me feel someone is hearing my side of it and suggesting a plausible way out. Thank you.

No problem @TemporaryMadness
And that “stupid” feeling of being out of control of your own emotions and feelings is a sign he is narcissistic and you are in limerance

@IsItAKindofDream

OP - you say you’ve never had an affair. Yes you have - you have been having an emotional affair with this guy.

Oh do one

why does he think he has permission to tell me his opinion of why?

Probably because you brought up the topic of being drawn to each other in the first place.

I completely agree.

I actually think he was attracted to you but then came to his senses and needed to let you know that nothing would ever happen between you and him and he doesn’t want you making any moves incase it affected his relationship.

He could have definitely said it in a nice way but I think he was just very ashamed of the fact he admitted liking you that he had to overcompensate by saying why he doesn’t.

I know it’s not easy but I really wouldn’t take this personally as I can guarantee he doesn’t actually think these things.

My response was to accept it completely and say that’s brilliant, no problem, now I know where I stand we can be friends.

This seemed to worry him as it was not what he expected and he started to pursue me again. I asked him why? Why are you doing this after officially turning me down?

I too have met males and females like this. They love the attention and the best/worst thing you can do is act like you’re not that bothered and definitely don’t chase them as that’s exactly what they want. They’ll give you a little bit to interest you and then pull away and our instinct is to give them more attention.

@Zerrin13

If a married man started flirting with me and acting as if we had some sort of special connection and rapport I would immediately think he was an asshole.

Yes so would I. Most of the time.

The OP has said she's had a rough year, she has been separated from her partner (covid caused presumably), she has said this guy is the only company she's had, she's said it was fun, she's said she knows it was silly, a touch of the schoolgirl etc.

So maybe you would be turned off this man in your current life today. And so would OP probably most days of her life. She has said she has never had an affair. She's been with her partner for 16 years. So this is obviously a departure from the norm for her.

@DerbyshireMama

You were trying to start an affair with another woman's husband (don't act coy and deny it, why else would you tell a married man you're attracted to him), yet you've turned yourself into the victim? Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

100% this..

@TemporaryMadness

So great to read the replies.

But I need to clear this up. I didn’t join a club and tell married men I’m drawn to them .

We met on the road when I’d come off my road bike and he helped me. I’m not in a club. Cue exchange of numbers, good bike repair shop info… making sure you get home safely on a broken bike type of thing.

Did I imagine he had a crush on me? I don’t think so? He didn’t flirt in a “I want to rip your clothes off, lets book a hotel” way. But he constantly said to me stuff along the lines of “I can’t get you out of my head / I’m amazed by you / you fascinate me” and asked my opinions on almost everything. He equally ripped the piss out of me and pushed me physically when we took up training together and it was a lot of fun. It was a very friendly rapport not dominated by the serious crush stuff. But it was intensifying. He texted constantly, all day, first thing in the morning, last thing at night.

I’d backed off with sports man, and I told my overseas partner I was getting distracted, I was not proud of that. I’ve been alone for 12 months solid and he was very good about it (that’s another story). So anyway I brought up the elephant in the room when he asked why I’m not so chatty. And I felt we did a good job of saying what we said and moving on and had a great day at the event. Job done.

Then three days later he knocks into my house and makes his speech.

Yes maybe I shouldn’t never have said anything!

No, he hasn’t told his wife that he trains or that we enter stuff together.

The bottom line is, it needed to stop and now it has. And I went to feel normal soon and not feel so dejected by it. I’ll also miss him as I loved his company, he is sharp and witty, and good company is few and far between.

Mmmm. To me that sounds like he was clearly flirting, and would happily have started an affair. When you cleared the air and decided to distance (and took control) - you rained on his secret sex parade, and being an arse, he decided to take you down in the way arses do - by criticising you. He actually came round to criticise you. You hurt his pride somewhere along the line. Don't fall for that bullshit.

You are well out of it. Sounds like you were having a crush because something is worrying you in your life or relationship. You did well to put a stop to it. Crushes are bullshit.

OP - you’ve been investing a lot of emotional energy into this guy, not just the constant texting throughout the day.

There’s some helpful information on the Relate website www.relate.org.uk/blog/2015/7/28/whats-emotional-affair

I didn’t need to be knocked back, what we needed to do was release the build up of weirdness.

You needed to just stop carrying on messaging a married man and move along?!

I think him telling you that you’re not his type is perfectly reasonable considering you confronted him about how you’re drawn to him - that sort of opens the door to him replying if you’re his type or not. Thinking about it for a few days and then coming back with his response seems fair to be honest. You sound obsessed with a married man.

Yuck - move on.

Yes it physically hurts when I train. And it feels like we’ve achieved something and there’s great satisfaction later.

I cycle in a cycling club. And alone. And with friends. Trust me 'physically hurts' is your side of the story. Unless you're an olympic champion, you will be going all out whilst your male 'training partner' will be calculating next steps in terms of how to chat you up. It's absolutely 100% predatory strategy, from the very beginning of 'helping you out' on the road, all the way to 'training' together and finding things in common. You would not be in this position as part of a cycling club group.

My take on his last move is that the guy tried to protect his back in case there were any allegations made in the future against him by the wife or some other moral police. He wanted to backtrack fully and make sure that he would be seen as someone who'd never ever, not in a million years not as much as considered anything inappropriate. Because - wait for it - you're not his type. (Yeah right, of course).

@SecretOfChange

Yes it physically hurts when I train. And it feels like we’ve achieved something and there’s great satisfaction later.

I cycle in a cycling club. And alone. And with friends. Trust me 'physically hurts' is your side of the story. Unless you're an olympic champion, you will be going all out whilst your male 'training partner' will be calculating next steps in terms of how to chat you up. It's absolutely 100% predatory strategy, from the very beginning of 'helping you out' on the road, all the way to 'training' together and finding things in common. You would not be in this position as part of a cycling club group.

Yep - I’ve seen this quite a few times.

Do you both use Strava or similar ride-tracking app when you cycle together? Or does he make sure you aren’t recorded as being together?

@sidewalksocialsciences

Namechanged.

There's some good advice on here, and some pretty harsh responses too. @TemporaryMadness - I can relate to your situation in quite a big way. I have a friend - we are both married - and the attraction between us is off the scale. We have (kind of) admitted this to each other, though nothing major has 'happened' and our spouses haven't noticed anything, it has in the past felt overwhelming.

HOWEVER - I certainly wouldn't risk my broadly very happy marriage for an affair, and I don't think he would either. There is far too much to lose and too many people would get hurt for the sake of what is merely an attraction. I am fairly sure that if one of us made a move on each other, or spelt out our feelings, the other would say 'okay, this is a BAD idea'. Perhaps this is what's happening here. You spelt out your feelings and then he felt he needed to tell you WHY nothing can happen.

Not sure I'm making much sense. But to all those telling the OP off a bit - I would have probably been similarly disapproving myself before I found myself in a similar-ish situation. In a way it's sort of irrelevant if he's a player or a dick or what his intention is. It's honestly horrible to feel you have an overwhelming connection with someone and can't do anything about it, so ultimately be kind to yourself and try to move on as best you can

Thanks for going to the effort of posting that.

I have always laughed at people declaring “oh you can’t help who you love!”, “you can’t help who you fall for!” crap, I’ve mocked it.

The attraction was big here and it was both ways I believe (it’s annoying me that people are thinking I blindly declared my feelings and now have a bruised ego - this ‘thing’ was mutually present).

Anyway, like you I KNOW this mustn’t happen and it won’t. I was posting here because I’m sad about it.

So I really do appreciate you telling me your story.

You were getting on really well.
Then you crossed the line by telling a man you know is married how much you like him.

Then he initially said yes we we have a great bond etc etc (perhaps genuinely, perhaps incredibly awkward and just to save you embarrassment) before realizing that that wasn’t an appropriate or clear response, so he came back to you later. Perhaps in a fairly blunt fashion to cut things off.

Long story short: you crossed a big line and things got weird. You don’t initiate “heart to hearts” with someone else’s spouse, no matter how well you get along.

He’s well up for an affair and is begging you so you start fauning and doing to ‘pick me’ dance

“But he constantly said to me stuff along the lines of “I can’t get you out of my head / I’m amazed by you / you fascinate me”.

The first of those “flirts” is totally different to the latter. The latter two could be innocent given the right context (eg, “I’m amazed by your progress/commitment”. “Your mindset/views fascinated me”).
The first one doesn’t ring true. So he told you he “can’t get you out of his head”, but you just think he was flirting? Hmmmmmm.

*negging

@OurMamInHavianas this didn’t escape me either - I am on Strava, he is not. I know, says it all now.

You’ve been foolish and he’s behaved inappropriately then ‘negged’ you.

Avoid the dickhead!

He’s a classic narcissist who gets a kick of being that way and saying those things (the initial flirtation) because you’re just a mirror to him at that stage; through you he is seeing himself being charming, admiring himself being engaging and vivid. To you it felt like something between the two of you, something that suddenly felt irresistible and personal - but in reality he was using the situation to revel in his own power to attract women.

Crushes come and go, l personally wouldn't have said anything, he may have been embarrassed and felt he had to say it was mutual at the time you sprang it on him.
I have had a crush on someone for well over a year, l see him almost everyday just to say hello to, but he would never know, l don't know his situation so won't act on it, and l know it's mostly my imagination and will pass.
I would draw a line and focus on something else. It doesn't sound like it's meant to be.