A huge crush on a married man. Sitting here crippled, it’s ridiculous

[TemporaryMadness]

I’ve namechanged.

I am in a relationship long term but we’ve been apart for the past 12 months due to CV. Work took us to different countries for the pandemic. Something has floundered there.

Cue me talking up a new sport. Meeting new people. Meeting this man.

Does any of this even matter, I’m just embarrassed and mortified and completely consumed with a crush on him. He is friendly, cheeky, interesting. We train together (long hours).

It’s pulled my head upside down and inside out.

And I finally raised it. I had distanced myself and he kept asking what’s wrong. I said i felt weird how drawn we are to each other and although we have not done one single thing untoward (he really hasn’t) it’s inappropriate. He said yes and he knew, was mutual and we needed to talk about it. Air cleared. It was crazy, I didn’t cringe, there was no blame, it was easy and ok. We carried on and did our thing for the day.

Oh relief, but also peace in the fact he was feeling the same while knowing neither of us is prepared to do anything about it. And be friends.

He then called in yesterday post exercise. Chat chat, and flippantly says I’m not his type and tells me why.

I’m 46 years old. I have not experienced being “told” by someone like I’m a cow at a mart, why I’m “not their type”. Academically I was annoyed at having my traits laid out. I didn’t ask - why does he think he has permission to tell me his opinion of why? Emotionally - and I fully acknowledge this is RIDICULOUS - I was absolutely gutted, maybe even devastated, and also reeling.

I’ve no idea what’s going on in my head now.

Because nothing has happened and never will. And because he’s married, I haven’t talked to anyone about this unusual friendship. This feels so magnified as a result.

I feel like I’m 14 and a boy doesn’t like me. FFS! Absolutely stupid of me. But I need to say it somewhere.

@SoupDragon

Honestly, I think he's done the right thing to absolutely knock this on the head.

It hurts, yes, and it is embarrassing but it is better that it is firmly put in the "no way" box right away.

Exactly this. He might be being honest, he might not. But he said something thats put you right off him , and now you can both get on with your lives. He's done you a big favour, really.

@poorbuthappy

Hang on, so you brought it up, he agreed it was mutual and then came back to tell you face to face why you aren't his type?

Jesus Christ what an arsehole.

Pretty much yes.

I know I haven’t a leg to stand on, which is why I chose here, online, to say it hurts. I didn’t need to be knocked back, what we needed to do was release the build up of weirdness. Now I’m left feeling really annoyed by him breaking me down into components of “why I’m not his type”.

The original conversation was face to face. Then he called in three days later and continued it.

It sounds like he's led you on a little bit to be honest and then panicked and back tracked. Which is of course is the right thing to do as neither of you are single. I wouldn't be too happy if my DH gave his number to a random woman he had helped at the side of the road and then trained with her behind my back!

The best thing for both of you is to just cut ties, and for you to address your relationship which doesn't sound like it's making you happy.

@DerbyshireMama

You were trying to start an affair with another woman's husband (don't act coy and deny it, why else would you tell a married man you're attracted to him), yet you've turned yourself into the victim? Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

I was HUGELY aware that this must be how people sleepwalk into affairs, and it scared me. I don’t want an affair.

Ive never had blurred lines before so I thought it best to call it out - after he asked. Opposite of “playing games”.

People are clumsy with words and say things they don’t mean.I’m sure he likes you but is trying to do the right thing

You were trying to start an affair with another woman's husband (don't act coy and deny it, why else would you tell a married man you're attracted to him), yet you've turned yourself into the victim? Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

THIS

I think you've been played by a very experienced player.
He was leading you on, grooming you for an affair with all the compliments
I bet you got lots of "I'm proud of you" too when you did well with something.
He was getting an enormous ego fix by you adoration that he was stoking... Then you backed off and he lost his fix.
So he asks you, you lay it on table, he has to admit to mutual feelings as can't really say.. "just been toying with you"
He then goes home and has panic as thinks you'll logically want more, next step and he doesn't want a real affair, he just wants another woman pandering to his ego.
So no risk to his nice domestic life and an adoring woman on the side.
He had to knock you back a bit.. So you become more desperate... He will no doubt start up the grooming again... And eventually it will "be unbearable" and he make a move.. But then vack off as he's "too guilty"... And you'll be on the affair roundabout before you recognise it..
Go cold turkey now

You are going to feel a bit shite, it sounds like you’ve tried to start an inappropriate relationship and he’s knocked you back in a painful way. He doesn’t want you as his bit on the side, he obviously was happy having what sounds like an emotional affair with you. He was lying to his wife or at least omitting to tell her he was training with you but he either never wanted it to go further or got cold feet when it came to it.

@Angelofchaos

He has probably been coming up with reasons why he should get over his feelings and since you 2 have been so open about your feelings he has over shared them.

To be honest this whole situation is messed up. If I found out dp and one of his female friends had, had a long heart to heart about how they had feelings for each other. That there would be something if I wasn't in the picture. Then they continued to be besties, spending loads of time together and him 'popping in to see her'....I would tell him to pack his shit, go find you because I won't be in the picture anymore.

I would bet money, his wife doesn't know about any of this and isn't wavung him off while he goes to visit the woman that he fancies. Its totally inappropriate.

Both of you were inappropriate and he was, again, inappropriate with that discussion.

If this had have continued, you know it would become an affair. Best you have seen the light now.

You’re right 100%

I’m just left feeling a bit weird but I agree with you. I just posted here so I could acknowledge it somewhere.

“ I don’t want an affair.” So you were hoping he’d leave his wife? Why is that any better?

The only reason you would tell a man you’re attracted to him is if you want to start a relationship with him. People don’t sleep walk into affairs - they make conscious choices that result in an affair.

But he constantly said to me stuff along the lines of “I can’t get you out of my head / I’m amazed by you / you fascinate me” and asked my opinions on almost everything

He texted constantly, all day, first thing in the morning, last thing at night

Bored married man looking for an ego boost. You were probably just his latest target.

He sounds like the kind of person who uses other people to make him feel good, and when the little fire he’s started gets a little too hot, he dumps water on it without a thought for the actual people involved.

I can’t stand people like this, they have no respect for anyone....

@Theredjellybean

I think you've been played by a very experienced player. He was leading you on, grooming you for an affair with all the compliments I bet you got lots of "I'm proud of you" too when you did well with something. He was getting an enormous ego fix by you adoration that he was stoking... Then you backed off and he lost his fix. So he asks you, you lay it on table, he has to admit to mutual feelings as can't really say.. "just been toying with you" He then goes home and has panic as thinks you'll logically want more, next step and he doesn't want a real affair, he just wants another woman pandering to his ego. So no risk to his nice domestic life and an adoring woman on the side. He had to knock you back a bit.. So you become more desperate... He will no doubt start up the grooming again... And eventually it will "be unbearable" and he make a move.. But then vack off as he's "too guilty"... And you'll be on the affair roundabout before you recognise it.. Go cold turkey now

Oh my god I love you!!!!! I got lots of “I’m proud of you” … all of your post resonates.

Cold turkey has started. Fuck!!!

“…although we have not done one single thing untoward (he really hasn’t) it’s inappropriate.”

“…he constantly said to me stuff along the lines of “I can’t get you out of my head / I’m amazed by you / you fascinate me””

Come on! He, as a married man, was hugely inappropriate and untoward. You fell for it and went along with it. He sounds a complete shit, who will have played this game many times before, including the unnecessarily cruel parting shot.

@thefourgp

“ I don’t want an affair.” So you were hoping he’d leave his wife? Why is that any better?

The only reason you would tell a man you’re attracted to him is if you want to start a relationship with him. People don’t sleep walk into affairs - they make conscious choices that result in an affair.

To be honest I wouldn’t know - I’ve never had an affair.

@SummerWhisper

Why does he think he has permission to tell me his opinion of [me]?

This is what you should be concentrating on. What an utterly arrogant twat.

I disagree. She came on to a married man ... OP was the one to raise it not him...and then he rebutted her.

There may have been a connection on a friendly level but he really isn't interested and he quite clearly isn't up for cheating or being g with you so he told you in no uncertain terms why he wasn't interested.

I would never have said anything to him

@SparklingLime

“…although we have not done one single thing untoward (he really hasn’t) it’s inappropriate.”

“…he constantly said to me stuff along the lines of “I can’t get you out of my head / I’m amazed by you / you fascinate me””

Come on! He, as a married man, was hugely inappropriate and untoward. You fell for it and went along with it. He sounds a complete shit, who will have played this game many times before, including the unnecessarily cruel parting shot.

I guess the fact he never tried to physically do anything?? But yes you’re right. It now looks like a game of cat and mouse…

Ah missed the texting bit...even so he still didn't want to actually cheat when it came to it.

But he constantly said to me stuff along the lines of “I can’t get you out of my head / I’m amazed by you / you fascinate me” and asked my opinions on almost everything.

If a married man said this shit to me, I would back right off, no contact nothing. Not tell him I fancied him.

So you fell off your bike and he helped. And from that you became amazing friends because he gave the number of a bike repair shop. Now he pops in to see you? Spends hours with you?

But it was intensifying. He texted constantly, all day, first thing in the morning, last thing at night.

And again, this didn't make you think 'yeh this isn't ok'. As long as you felt good about it, it was fine? And at no point did you think 'what a creep doing this stuff when he is married' you just enjoyed the attention so much, you fancied him more?

You know his wife doesn't know he visits, trains and spends all day texting you?

When he asked why you backed off you didn't say 'because I prefer to train alone/this feels inappropriate and the right thing is to cut contact/I think its best we don't speak anymore'

You had a chat and it was fine because YOU then had a great day out. Wonder how his wife's day was. While her husband was on a day trip with a females friend she doesn't know about, talking about how much they fancied each other?

I think its quite clear, you already crossed lines. But ehat amazes me, you were falttered by this man being so disrespectful to his wife. That made you fancy him.

The minute he continued that behaviour and was disrespectful to you....then you have a problem. Even though, that's his normal behaviour.

If he is so disrespectful to his wife, why did you think you were so special that he wouldn't do that to you?

Cold turkey block and ignore him he used you as an ego boost then when you cleared the air and didn't take things further he had to have the last word and "reject" you because his ego wouldn't tolerate anything else

Be warned the type of man who does this will try and reel you back to prove he can get you back

To be honest I wouldn’t know - I’ve never had an affair.

Neither have I. But I still know how they start and how they are choices.

You chose to continue the friendship even though he was clearly crossing a line.

You chose to continue spending time with him, knowing his wife didn't know.

You chose to tell him about your feelings.

You chose to let the compliments all day chatting continue.

Its choices all the way along. And you didn't know what you were doing wasn't right. But you chose to carry on.

I agree with red
I think he was hoping for some extra marital no strings sex but you bought up feelings. He agreed he was drawn to you in case you shagged him, but then decided "feelings" were not needed and would complicate things so was a total twunt to you.
It seems to me like you've had a lucky escape from a narcissist so lick your wounds and count your blessings

@TemporaryMadness

So great to read the replies.

But I need to clear this up. I didn’t join a club and tell married men I’m drawn to them .

We met on the road when I’d come off my road bike and he helped me. I’m not in a club. Cue exchange of numbers, good bike repair shop info… making sure you get home safely on a broken bike type of thing.

Did I imagine he had a crush on me? I don’t think so? He didn’t flirt in a “I want to rip your clothes off, lets book a hotel” way. But he constantly said to me stuff along the lines of “I can’t get you out of my head / I’m amazed by you / you fascinate me” and asked my opinions on almost everything. He equally ripped the piss out of me and pushed me physically when we took up training together and it was a lot of fun. It was a very friendly rapport not dominated by the serious crush stuff. But it was intensifying. He texted constantly, all day, first thing in the morning, last thing at night.

I’d backed off with sports man, and I told my overseas partner I was getting distracted, I was not proud of that. I’ve been alone for 12 months solid and he was very good about it (that’s another story). So anyway I brought up the elephant in the room when he asked why I’m not so chatty. And I felt we did a good job of saying what we said and moving on and had a great day at the event. Job done.

Then three days later he knocks into my house and makes his speech.

Yes maybe I shouldn’t never have said anything!

No, he hasn’t told his wife that he trains or that we enter stuff together.

The bottom line is, it needed to stop and now it has. And I went to feel normal soon and not feel so dejected by it. I’ll also miss him as I loved his company, he is sharp and witty, and good company is few and far between.

Honestly, @TemporaryMadness, you need to take responsibility for going along with this ‘You fascinate me’, ‘I cant get you out of my head’ nonsense. And texting all day and night is deeply inappropriate. None of that is mitigated by him also taking the piss out of you or making you train hard. He sounds like a practised sleazebucket, and you fell for his well-used routine. Maybe he gets his kicks from ‘charming’ women into declaring themselves and telling them then that , ugh he really doesn’t fancy them, it’s all in their heads?

Can you honestly say, hand on heart, that if he’d said with apparent sincerity that he couldn’t fight the feelings, you were the best thing that ever happened to him, and you’d woken him up to the unhappiness of his marriage, you’d have given him a sharp kick in the crotch when he moved in for a kiss?

You sound lonely. Find new friends and better self-esteem. The fact that you fell for a prick seems to be the only thing that stopped you having an affair here.

Is he still texting you day and night?

You need to stop casting yourself as a victim here. You didn’t join a club and meet this man as part of a group and build a relationship over time. You say that you met him at the side of the road, you exchanged numbers and started training together. It was highly unlikely that it was going to go any other way. You need to start working on your boundaries.

If this was my husband and I found out he'd been doing this honestly I'd leave. This is an emotional affair OP. You are not the sweet innocent little woman you are now portraying yourself to be and you lapped up this creeps attention as much as he did. These situations destroy families. The only injured party here is this mans poor wife. I hope she has some real life support.