A huge crush on a married man. Sitting here crippled, it’s ridiculous

[TemporaryMadness]

I’ve namechanged.

I am in a relationship long term but we’ve been apart for the past 12 months due to CV. Work took us to different countries for the pandemic. Something has floundered there.

Cue me talking up a new sport. Meeting new people. Meeting this man.

Does any of this even matter, I’m just embarrassed and mortified and completely consumed with a crush on him. He is friendly, cheeky, interesting. We train together (long hours).

It’s pulled my head upside down and inside out.

And I finally raised it. I had distanced myself and he kept asking what’s wrong. I said i felt weird how drawn we are to each other and although we have not done one single thing untoward (he really hasn’t) it’s inappropriate. He said yes and he knew, was mutual and we needed to talk about it. Air cleared. It was crazy, I didn’t cringe, there was no blame, it was easy and ok. We carried on and did our thing for the day.

Oh relief, but also peace in the fact he was feeling the same while knowing neither of us is prepared to do anything about it. And be friends.

He then called in yesterday post exercise. Chat chat, and flippantly says I’m not his type and tells me why.

I’m 46 years old. I have not experienced being “told” by someone like I’m a cow at a mart, why I’m “not their type”. Academically I was annoyed at having my traits laid out. I didn’t ask - why does he think he has permission to tell me his opinion of why? Emotionally - and I fully acknowledge this is RIDICULOUS - I was absolutely gutted, maybe even devastated, and also reeling.

I’ve no idea what’s going on in my head now.

Because nothing has happened and never will. And because he’s married, I haven’t talked to anyone about this unusual friendship. This feels so magnified as a result.

I feel like I’m 14 and a boy doesn’t like me. FFS! Absolutely stupid of me. But I need to say it somewhere.

@Angelofchaos you’re not wrong.

I am trying to figure it out too. I think was in a bubble of, this is good fun and it’s also nothing. This is elementary schoolgirl shit on my part. To be blunt, I felt alive. I felt attracted to someone and that was a surprise. I’m 16 years with my partner. I’ve never cheated on him, I’ve never been attracted to anyone else! So it was easy not to cheat - I was never tempted. But this year has been a bollox. I am all over the place after a year alone.

Seriously it’s scary how this happens. But equally, nothing happened! I’m left a bit hurt, but I’ve called it out and it’s stopped. I’m not ashamed of how I’ve behaved.

For a long time our convos were impersonal to our respective family set ups, and we just talked. I guess that’s the funny thing with long hours in the saddle. You just talk and you physically hurt and you recover and you get this sense of achievement. I knew I was associating that with him.

OP - you say you’ve never had an affair.
Yes you have - you have been having an emotional affair with this guy.

He's a nice guy.
You came on to him and he was too taken aback polite or embarrassed to slap you down; so he politely fudged it with " we meed to talk about this". You misinterpreted that as "I'm interested".

When he'd had a bit more time to take it in  he  decided to  tell you exactly what he thinks of your come on;  it's  an absolutely unequivocal  message  "NO. Back off. Never going to happen. Don't want this. "   

  You now feel offended and embarrassed. Probably that's exactly how you made him feel  with your unwanted  and 

completely inappropriate come-on.

@FancyPuffin

You need to stop casting yourself as a victim here. You didn’t join a club and meet this man as part of a group and build a relationship over time. You say that you met him at the side of the road, you exchanged numbers and started training together. It was highly unlikely that it was going to go any other way. You need to start working on your boundaries.

I don’t know what difference being in a club or otherwise makes it the time frame or why your assuming this happened at warp speed. It didn’t. That has no bearing on it.

During lockdown it was the only human contact I had and I was glad of it.

@2bazookas

He's a nice guy. You came on to him and he was too taken aback polite or embarrassed to slap you down; so he politely fudged it with " we meed to talk about this". You misinterpreted that as "I'm interested".

When he'd had a bit more time to take it in  he  decided to  tell you exactly what he thinks of your come on;  it's  an absolutely unequivocal  message  "NO. Back off. Never going to happen. Don't want this. "   

  You now feel offended and embarrassed. Probably that's exactly how you made him feel  with your unwanted  and 

completely inappropriate come-on.

Nah he was love bombing OP and was clearly looking for an ego stroke at the very least. He's only slapped her down now either from cold feet or so he can keep her guessing and possibly go back for more later. OP has acted naively and also went along with the 'excitement' which she admits was wrong. He is no poor innocent husband, pursued by a temptress.

[quote TemporaryMadness]@Angelofchaos you’re not wrong.

I am trying to figure it out too. I think was in a bubble of, this is good fun and it’s also nothing. This is elementary schoolgirl shit on my part. To be blunt, I felt alive. I felt attracted to someone and that was a surprise. I’m 16 years with my partner. I’ve never cheated on him, I’ve never been attracted to anyone else! So it was easy not to cheat - I was never tempted. But this year has been a bollox. I am all over the place after a year alone.

Seriously it’s scary how this happens. But equally, nothing happened! I’m left a bit hurt, but I’ve called it out and it’s stopped. I’m not ashamed of how I’ve behaved.

For a long time our convos were impersonal to our respective family set ups, and we just talked. I guess that’s the funny thing with long hours in the saddle. You just talk and you physically hurt and you recover and you get this sense of achievement. I knew I was associating that with him.[/quote]
Something did happen.

Its not scary. Its completely predicatble. He crossed a line. You crossed with him.

You knew his wife didn't know. You know what he was saying and his contact was inappropriate. You chose to continue.

He is a creep. Now he is being a creep to you.

And give over with the 'you talk and physically hurt' blah blah. I am a competitive kick boxer. At my age there's not huge amounts of women doing it. I train with mainly men.

My dp knows. I don't form inappropriate bonds and cross lines, with them because we binded over physical pain. A couple have crossed the line and they go straight back over it.

@2bazookas

He's a nice guy. You came on to him and he was too taken aback polite or embarrassed to slap you down; so he politely fudged it with " we meed to talk about this". You misinterpreted that as "I'm interested".

When he'd had a bit more time to take it in  he  decided to  tell you exactly what he thinks of your come on;  it's  an absolutely unequivocal  message  "NO. Back off. Never going to happen. Don't want this. "   

  You now feel offended and embarrassed. Probably that's exactly how you made him feel  with your unwanted  and 

completely inappropriate come-on.

Did you read the Op’s subsequent posts, @2bazookas? The ‘nice guy’ was married and texting her at all hours of the day and night and telling her he couldn’t get her out of his head, that she fascinated him.

Nah he was love bombing OP and was clearly looking for an ego stroke at the very least. He's only slapped her down now either from cold feet or so he can keep her guessing and possibly go back for more later. OP has acted naively and also went along with the 'excitement' which she admits was wrong. He is no poor innocent husband, pursued by a temptress.

Op is a grown woman. She isn't a temptress. Him crossing the line isn't her fault. She isn't naive either.

She knew it was inappropriate. Knew his wide didn't know. She just enjoyed the attention as much as he did so carried on.

He sounds like a dick. I wouldny consider him a friend because he isn't one. What kind if asshole tells you he likes you and then tells you he doesnt and proceeds to 'list' your 'faults'. What.a.douchebag.

Not sure what there is to like op. He's isn't cheeky, he's just nasty. Take a step back now and look because that's who he is. Next time you see him tell him your over it, 'it must have been a passing thing'.

Good for you.

I also told my partner.

Yes it physically hurts when I train. And it feels like we’ve achieved something and there’s great satisfaction later. I’ve no idea about kickboxing but that’s how I experience my sport.

I didn’t know if his wife knew or not until we talked on the weekend.

Sorry rhst was a reply to you @Angelofchaos

@Umberellatheweatha

He sounds like a dick. I wouldny consider him a friend because he isn't one. What kind if asshole tells you he likes you and then tells you he doesnt and proceeds to 'list' your 'faults'. What.a.douchebag.

Not sure what there is to like op. He's isn't cheeky, he's just nasty. Take a step back now and look because that's who he is. Next time you see him tell him your over it, 'it must have been a passing thing'.

Thanks I think that’s a good idea.

@TemporaryMadness

Good for you.

I also told my partner.

Yes it physically hurts when I train. And it feels like we’ve achieved something and there’s great satisfaction later. I’ve no idea about kickboxing but that’s how I experience my sport.

I didn’t know if his wife knew or not until we talked on the weekend.

But you knew he hadn't told his wife. You say you found that out this weekend.

But, you have been texting this man all day everyday for a year. Spending 'hours' at a time with him. Accepting all sorts of compliments off him.

And yet, never met his wife. Or enquired about wether she knows. You didn't think it strange he wouldn't call you while she was there. Or ever invite your round?

These are normal things in normal friendships.

When you did find out this weekend. It didn't bother you. You were feeling great? Until he offended you.

I didn't say that's not how you experience your sport. But if experiencing your sport makes you form strong bonds with people you shouldn't be, there's something not right.

Of course I have bonds with my team. They are the ones getting me through my last mile. Or cheering me through competitions and vice versa. But I don't form inappropriate bonds with them and then put it down to my sport. As though I have no control over it.

Look op, count yourself lucky you realised what a dick he was.

And in future, really think about the friendships you are forming. Just because you feel good, doesn't make it right.

@TemporaryMadness I agree to a certain extent with @Theredjellybean but only to an extent.

You've both been invested in an emotional affair and you've been kidding yourself because nothing happened

Start by acknowledging this isn't true, there was something happening, stuff that neither of you would have wanted your partners to see or overhear.

You eventually realised and pulled back, thought that put it to rest but he came around to say his piece in order to persuade himself that he was the entirely innocent party.

Lesson learnt really.

If a married man started flirting with me and acting as if we had some sort of special connection and rapport I would immediately think he was an asshole.

I think your doing this innocent over analysing act because you know you wanted an affair, and you were beginning an emotional affair at least with this man, you are trying to justify your actions.

Let's be honest you didn't sleep walk into the affair, he was very very clear that this wasn't a platonic friendship. You knew this hence why you had the conversation.

Crushes happen, they are normal and okay. What is not okay is continuing to pursue the crush as you both did. If you truelly didn't want an affair you'd have backed off from this man as soon as you knew things were heading in that direction.

What we're you thinking!!
He's a married man and probably has kids ffs.
Glad he's knocked you back.
All you're worried about is your ego.
You need to give your head a good wobble and fast.

You can't act all wide eyed and innocent when he's been texting you all day everyday. Telling you he can't stop thinking about you, is fascinated by you. Spends hours at a time with you and yet hasn't told his wife.

Thats not a platonic friendship that grows into something more. Thats not 'I wouldn't know I've never had an affair' ffs. You have. You knew you fancied him and yet kept having these intense meetings, kept up the all day texting. All things that will naturally only intensify your feelings for each other

All of this stuff is literally written in the affair manual, its such a massive cliché and now your pretending that you are confused by it

The great thing about not being part of a club is that you can cut this out NOW. Don't let him beg his way back in, "I'm so sorry, my head was all over the place... I love my wife but I love you too... I was trying to end things but I can't stop thinking about you." I imagine he is going to get on touch again. If he doesn't, credit to him and let it go. If he does, you need to knock it on the head and tell him you are training elsewhere with other people. End of. No "We can do this and just be friends". Yeah, right. He is CLEARLY invested in this either deliberately (all the compliments/ texting) and I don't think he's going to let it go. I think the latest reaction and coming to your door is still part of the 'play'. Don't be taken in so easily, OP, and definitely know there is only pain ahead for you if you keep this going.

I think he probably did like you too.However he is married and obv wishing to stay that way! Not lead you on for a bit on the side and risk breaking up with his wife and family.I think you have had a lucky escape although it probably doesnt seem like it now.

Ps. If you do keep training together, you may as well just jump into bed together. Unless you're enjoying the long, drawn out drama.

Neither of you come out of this well. Telling somebody you are attracted to them is designed to get a reaction. And plenty of people play sport together without spiralling in to an affair (emotional or physical).

You've both had your egos stroked and now he's overcompensated by telling you aren't his type.

Stick it in the bin, examine why you are looking for attention from somebody other than your partner and move on accordingly.

You knew he was married…….any thought for the wife here?? FFS don’t be that woman!

Agree with pp you are being “played” by the best. Similar thing happened to me years ago, played out in the same way. The knock back was not a list of reasons I wasn’t his type but more of a “thought about it and i don’t think there is the WOW factor so will leave it this time.” My response was to accept it completely and say that’s brilliant, no problem, now I know where I stand we can be friends.

This seemed to worry him as it was not what he expected and he started to pursue me again. I asked him why? Why are you doing this after officially turning me down?

On and on, cat and mouse/ it’s negging , it’s game playing. He has obviously done this before. If you are a serial married cheater you have to give the impression at least to yourself that you were and are being pursued every time and you did not go out and actively pursue it yourself. Then you can go back to your wife and talk about the desperate predatory women.

If you continued this into an affair you would soon find him twisting the language he uses
into implying that you are some sort of groupie or making you small and inferior. Just to reiterate the message that he was “on the edge” about starting a relationship in the first place and you persuaded him to. Always one foot in one foot out etc.

Run run run.