A huge crush on a married man. Sitting here crippled, it’s ridiculous

[TemporaryMadness]

I’ve namechanged.

I am in a relationship long term but we’ve been apart for the past 12 months due to CV. Work took us to different countries for the pandemic. Something has floundered there.

Cue me talking up a new sport. Meeting new people. Meeting this man.

Does any of this even matter, I’m just embarrassed and mortified and completely consumed with a crush on him. He is friendly, cheeky, interesting. We train together (long hours).

It’s pulled my head upside down and inside out.

And I finally raised it. I had distanced myself and he kept asking what’s wrong. I said i felt weird how drawn we are to each other and although we have not done one single thing untoward (he really hasn’t) it’s inappropriate. He said yes and he knew, was mutual and we needed to talk about it. Air cleared. It was crazy, I didn’t cringe, there was no blame, it was easy and ok. We carried on and did our thing for the day.

Oh relief, but also peace in the fact he was feeling the same while knowing neither of us is prepared to do anything about it. And be friends.

He then called in yesterday post exercise. Chat chat, and flippantly says I’m not his type and tells me why.

I’m 46 years old. I have not experienced being “told” by someone like I’m a cow at a mart, why I’m “not their type”. Academically I was annoyed at having my traits laid out. I didn’t ask - why does he think he has permission to tell me his opinion of why? Emotionally - and I fully acknowledge this is RIDICULOUS - I was absolutely gutted, maybe even devastated, and also reeling.

I’ve no idea what’s going on in my head now.

Because nothing has happened and never will. And because he’s married, I haven’t talked to anyone about this unusual friendship. This feels so magnified as a result.

I feel like I’m 14 and a boy doesn’t like me. FFS! Absolutely stupid of me. But I need to say it somewhere.

I think his speech was weird. He clearly liked you and he acted inappropriately. I think he probably was trying to manage his own sense of loss about it and also put an end to the feelings.
Very painful experience. Be compassionate to yourself and let the hurt pass. Then hopefully find someone new and available. Xx

@Polkadots2021

Classic wounded pride OP! He said himself he couldn't get you out of his head. He was majorly crushing on you, and you essentially knocked him back, with his random 3 day late laundry list, so his head had clearly been all over the place for 3 days. He's doing the 40 year old equivalent of pulling your hair to hide that he likes you.

Also if you trained together it's likely you'd get a crush - it's the exact same reason for the Strictly Curse. Studies show that training together can massively raise feelings of sexual attraction because of oxytocin, testosterone, pheromones, etc that you experience together. It's a very common thing.

Just came back to say thanks and this makes a whole lot of sense to me.

@Blackbird2020

And good luck with your current relationship. I’ve been in your shoes more than once (lived apart from my DH overseas on 2 separate occasions, once for 5 years!) and it is totally natural to develop feelings for other people when away from your partner for so long. We’re probably biologically programmed to keep looking for mates!

God how did you manage five years? That’s incredible. In this case it was 19 months with just one visit in the first six months…

He sounded very full on which wasn’t great

Better to rip the plaster off in one go so to speak

He’s crushed the crush

Annoying he could develop all that and keep it from his wife though

God how did you manage five years? That’s incredible. In this case it was 19 months with just one visit in the first six months

The longest we we spent apart was 2 months, during those 5 years. It wasn’t easy but I grew to enjoy my semi-single life, to the point that returning to living together on a daily basis was quite a struggle at first.

I think any more than 2 months apart might have tipped us over the edge... unless there was an end goal to work to (which there wasn’t with us, it was just the way things had to be at the time).

Is it possible for you both to put together some kind of roadmap for your relationship (pandemic permitting)?

He was bloody rude. He absolutely didn’t need to say anything, what an arrogant prick.

@TemporaryMadness it's very hard when you have a real connection with someone (and those don't happen that frequently for most of us!) but because of timing, it's not right to act on it.

Honestly. Have you read your post before posting it.

@iamprobablynotyourcupoftea

Honestly. Have you read your post before posting it.

Eh?

I thnk you are handling it well OP. It's a particular sort of madness and hard to define to people that hav e never experienced it. it must be chemical or something because it takes over your entire being but....it does seem to have a beginning, a middle and thabkfully, almost always, an end.

I have experienced this twice and both times I was so glad when the end came because I was glad to have me back!

Maybe I was lucky but on both occasions, after a few weeks I had zero feelings for them. It was if it happened in a bubble or even to someone else. When it was gone it was so gone. I'm glad I experienced it now as it was part of being alive. At the time it's like a force field has been placed in your life that you have no control over.

I believe he was heartless to say the things he said to you. When you are as vulnerable as you are when in the throes of limerance, that sort of bluntness is exaggerated tenfold.

Unlike some posters, I think it was good you raised it (with no intentions of it going anywhere) in the hope it can be dealt with like mature adults and to help you feel more comfortable or make alternative arrangements. Communication for adults is good, it shouldn’t be shied away from, you weren’t doing it with the intention of having an affair, as far as I can’t tell from your post.

I do however think you need to use those communication skills in your current relationship and discuss your feelings and issues to move down a path of either reconciliation or a mutual end.

As far as how much his declaration of your faults have hurt you, that’s only natural. Whether it be a friend or stranger, those things hurt - having someone tell you why you’re not “good enough” for them is hurtful in any situation - but especially when it comes from a friend.

I've been incredibly lonely this past year, separated from family by covid, grieving alone.
But if a married man had cracked on to me, no matter how flattered I was, I would have told him to fuck off.
There but for grace if God my arse.....

I have a friend who is a vicar. He once said that the people who cannot ever contemplate crossing such a line in a relationship (i.e. cheating on their partner) are the ones most vulnerable to doing it! And actually the experience of a very judgemental close friend (who very much fell into that category) has borne that out!!

Until you've been in a position of extreme temptation, you couldn't possibly truthfully say how you'd behave.

I really can say , for myself, that I would not cheat. Nor would I entertain anyone else's husband/partner.
Having been on the receiving end of that scenario I know exactly how it feels.
I firmly believe if you're not happy in your relationship, end it. Then you're free to do whatever with whoever. Simple.

@Purplealienpuke

I really can say , for myself, that I would not cheat. Nor would I entertain anyone else's husband/partner. Having been on the receiving end of that scenario I know exactly how it feels. I firmly believe if you're not happy in your relationship, end it. Then you're free to do whatever with whoever. Simple.

Have I missed an update? She hasn't cheated

Hi OP, I haven’t read all the replies here but have read your posts and wanted to add a couple of thoughts that might be helpful.

Firstly, it wasn’t ok to get this close to a married man but you already know that and have acknowledged it. It doesn’t matter anymore how you get into the situation or how it ended but you need to close the door entirely. I personally think he got panicked for some reason and that’s why he came over with his ‘list’, but who cares? You need to not give him anymore headspace.

Secondly, I agree with others that you should use the experience to reflect on your real relationship. I’ve been single during lockdown and can empathise with how it might have made you act out of character. It’s been achingly lonely and at times you can feel quite mad spending too much time by yourself. I’ve found myself feeling attracted to a married colleague via zoom - no danger to him at all, I’ve never shown an iota of it and categorically never would, but I’m sure it’s only happened because he’s been a lovely stable presence during an otherwise painfully lonely time. I’ve tried to use it to ask myself what qualities he has that make me attracted to him, and what that tells me about what I want in my next partner / what was missing from my recently ended relationship. He doesn’t need to know any of this! In your case, it sounds like you have a wonderful relationship that you should reinvest in, and maybe you should share more with your partner about how hard you’ve been finding it to connect this year.

I’d also second the idea of finding other activities / company for yourself like a sports club. I’m sorry this man hurt your feelings but the right thing has happened here, disaster averted, and you should use the experience to refocus on yourself.

You will get over these feelings with time op.

I think people on here are quick to assassinate anyone who is married/attached and dares to have feelings for someone else. It happens, more frequently than people think. There are a few ways around this, the best one being to never speak of it to anyone, especially them, however real life isn't always text book.

It sounds to me like you have done the right thing under the circumstances and him reading you a list of your 'faults' just tells me that he has put too much thought into this to not have any feelings for you.

You know you now need to stay away from him. You can't uncross that line and go back to being 'mates'. WIshing you luck.

“Seriously it’s scary how this happens. But equally, nothing happened! I’m left a bit hurt, but I’ve called it out and it’s stopped. I’m not ashamed of how I’ve behaved.”

Please wake up OP.

‘Scary how this happened’. Hmm. A lot happened OP. And it didn’t just ‘happen’ to you or him. A bike problem was the only thing that ‘happened’. You had no control or choice over that. Everything after that event happened through deliberate choice by both of you. You weren’t helpless. You both actively chose to enjoy and continue it. What’s scary is that you can’t see it.

You are in denial here that you were enjoying an emotional affair with a married man. The people that this has ‘happened’ to are your partner and his wife. They have had no choices in the matter.

Would you be ok if you had found out your partner had been texting another woman ‘day and night’? A woman he had kept secret from you?

Would the content of those messages telling his secret female friend how amazing he thought she was be ok with you?

Are you really clueless as to why he hasn’t told his wife about you?
Or would you think that you had discovered an affair going on?

All of the above, everything you’ve been doing is an emotional affair. Just because nothing physical happened doesn’t mean you weren’t engaging in highly inappropriate behaviour with another woman’s husband. Aka ‘an emotional affair’.

Whether you are ‘his type’ or not, whether he was crass enough to point this out to you or not, really isn’t the issue. The issue is that you are in a committed relationship with someone and are prepared to step outside that relationship for the flattery, attention and company of someone else. You have already cheated by doing this. His awful behaviour is probably him going full reverse gear in case his wife finds out or he thinks it’s gone too far and hopefully (but I doubt it) is ashamed of his behaviour.

You’ve dodged three bullets in this awful situation OP. One is clearly him and the other two are you not having to explain this to your devastated partner and also not having to carry the guilt of continuing to help OM devastate his wife.

@Sunshineandflipflops totally agree that anyone could be attracted to someone else/ have feelings for someone else in any relationship, attraction/feelings can’t be helped.

It’s what you do about them if you’re already in a committed relationship, what you choose to do about it next that is important.

@Lovelybottom that was in response to NewModel post above