A huge crush on a married man. Sitting here crippled, it’s ridiculous

[TemporaryMadness]

I’ve namechanged.

I am in a relationship long term but we’ve been apart for the past 12 months due to CV. Work took us to different countries for the pandemic. Something has floundered there.

Cue me talking up a new sport. Meeting new people. Meeting this man.

Does any of this even matter, I’m just embarrassed and mortified and completely consumed with a crush on him. He is friendly, cheeky, interesting. We train together (long hours).

It’s pulled my head upside down and inside out.

And I finally raised it. I had distanced myself and he kept asking what’s wrong. I said i felt weird how drawn we are to each other and although we have not done one single thing untoward (he really hasn’t) it’s inappropriate. He said yes and he knew, was mutual and we needed to talk about it. Air cleared. It was crazy, I didn’t cringe, there was no blame, it was easy and ok. We carried on and did our thing for the day.

Oh relief, but also peace in the fact he was feeling the same while knowing neither of us is prepared to do anything about it. And be friends.

He then called in yesterday post exercise. Chat chat, and flippantly says I’m not his type and tells me why.

I’m 46 years old. I have not experienced being “told” by someone like I’m a cow at a mart, why I’m “not their type”. Academically I was annoyed at having my traits laid out. I didn’t ask - why does he think he has permission to tell me his opinion of why? Emotionally - and I fully acknowledge this is RIDICULOUS - I was absolutely gutted, maybe even devastated, and also reeling.

I’ve no idea what’s going on in my head now.

Because nothing has happened and never will. And because he’s married, I haven’t talked to anyone about this unusual friendship. This feels so magnified as a result.

I feel like I’m 14 and a boy doesn’t like me. FFS! Absolutely stupid of me. But I need to say it somewhere.

No problem. I wanted to share because I know how hard a situation like this can be...it's awful feeling like a 14 year old in the throes of a dreadful crush! And it's very easy to say 'pull yourself together/give your head a wobble' if you haven't experienced similar. Personally I never glanced at another bloke since I met my DH over two decades ago, and I consider our marriage to be strong and happy.

If I'm honest, I'm still not entirely 'over it' but I am determined not to let the situation escalate and am trying not to let it dominate my thoughts. For me, it's not possible to cut contact entirely because we are in a group of mutual friends. This might be the best option for you though, painful as that might seem right now!

@Cam77

You were getting on really well. Then you crossed the line by telling a man you know is married how much you like him. Then he initially said yes we we have a great bond etc etc (perhaps genuinely, perhaps incredibly awkward and just to save you embarrassment) before realizing that that wasn’t an appropriate or clear response, so he came back to you later. Perhaps in a fairly blunt fashion to cut things off.

Long story short: you crossed a big line and things got weird. You don’t initiate “heart to hearts” with someone else’s spouse, no matter how well you get along.

Nope. I had backed off with the chatty chatty and he insisted on asking why. He wanted to “go for a drink” to discuss it and but I said no, so he asked again en route at 7am to a comp, in the car. he said he knew exactly why we needed to talk. To say “I brought it up” isn’t actually what happened. And what I opened with was was the fact that him texting me constantly- and me replying - is a bit inappropriate because he’s married. It was awkward to say but i said it. He then went on to say how he felt, asked me a lot about how I felt, I was honest as was he. It was strangely ok. I felt relief.

You’re missing a huge part here - there has been a huge mutual play here - or maybe you didn’t read my posts.

But regardless, I was posting to say I feel sad - for all it’s rights and wrongs that is how I feel and I can’t declare that in real life. That is all.

I think you're getting a bit of a beating here OP

Have you ever heard of Limerence?

Knocked me off my feet in my early 40s, and it's something I am really not proud of. You could be on the start of that path...... so go cold turkey right away.

@Moonface123

Crushes come and go, l personally wouldn't have said anything, he may have been embarrassed and felt he had to say it was mutual at the time you sprang it on him. I have had a crush on someone for well over a year, l see him almost everyday just to say hello to, but he would never know, l don't know his situation so won't act on it, and l know it's mostly my imagination and will pass. I would draw a line and focus on something else. It doesn't sound like it's meant to be.

It’s definitely not meant to be!

But why not say/do something to your crush? If you are single? As you say you don’t know his circumstance..

I agree with a couple of others. I think his listing all his reasons for not wanting you was designed to put you on the back foot. Depress and discombobulate you.
Then in a couple of weeks when he contacts you again and says you can still train together, still be friends you'll say yes.
From a position of you feeling safe that nothing inappropriate will happen (he's listed why you're not for him) but also feing ego bashed.
So when he's nice to you, it'll all be so much easier to cross that boundary for real...

Sorry to hear you feel sad @TemporaryMadness. I think these past 18 months have been a real challenge on relationships generally. I can totally understand why your head may have been turned, particularly if you were encouraged (which it sounds as if you were). I can well imagine that spending a lot of time with someone could have resulted in you both developing feelings. I guess his brutal comeback was a way to stop things in their tracks but you didn't deserve how he did it.

I guess you need to examine why you allowed yourself to feel attracted to him (and what may be lacking in your current relationship)?

@Pogacar

I didn’t need to be knocked back, what we needed to do was release the build up of weirdness.

You needed to just stop carrying on messaging a married man and move along?!

I think him telling you that you’re not his type is perfectly reasonable considering you confronted him about how you’re drawn to him - that sort of opens the door to him replying if you’re his type or not. Thinking about it for a few days and then coming back with his response seems fair to be honest. You sound obsessed with a married man.

Yuck - move on.

Nope. You need to read my posts.

Op I think he is well into you but he keeps saying himself he is not, giving himself any possible reason why not.
I think this is not the end unless you want it.
He probably realised you are really into him and it took him a bit aback. Or maybe he worries that it will get out or that he realised he has stronger feeling for you than he ever though …

@NewModelArmyMayhem18

Sorry to hear you feel sad *@TemporaryMadness*. I think these past 18 months have been a real challenge on relationships generally. I can totally understand why your head may have been turned, particularly if you were encouraged (which it sounds as if you were). I can well imagine that spending a lot of time with someone could have resulted in you both developing feelings. I guess his brutal comeback was a way to stop things in their tracks but you didn't deserve how he did it.

I guess you need to examine why you allowed yourself to feel attracted to him (and what may be lacking in your current relationship)?

Thank you for your kindness.

I honestly felt alive, in quite an innocent way though nobody believes me here - just having the craic with someone felt so good. And having someone interested in ME felt good. He had the measure of me.

Keeping a long distance relationship has become so so hard. It’s just abysmal trying to keep it alive when there’s nothing going on and nothing interesting to say other than talk about coronavirus. It’s been hard. I felt obliged (never felt that way in my life before with regard to partner) to pick up the phone but didn’t always want to… end felt agitation talking about the monotonous parts of our boring lockdown days.

He's playing games...he wants you to say no no you are. Don't play along.

Op, I am not take the piss when I say this.

But do you have any friends or family? Nearby?

I do think you knew this was not innocent, from early on. But it made you feel good and you needed that. Its doesn't make it OK. But it happens.

You sound incredibly lonely. You should have just stepped back, no driving together to competitions etc. But that's done now. But it makes what's been going on more understandable. It's not an excuse, but a reason iyswim.

Personally, I think after the weekend he has panicked about what his wife would say if she found out the full story. He is now telling you a list of reasons so that, if his wife finds out he can say 'no, I even told her I would never find her attractive' and you would back that up.

The attraction was big here and it was both ways I believe (it’s annoying me that people are thinking I blindly declared my feelings and now have a bruised ego - this ‘thing’ was mutually present)

OP, it's so clear from everything you've said that it was, or at least started as, very mutual. I think the minute it was out in the open he has panicked and worried about losing his family set up.
The problem is that these sorts of threads always attract very insecure women who probably worry this could happen with their own husband. The type of women whereby if their husband did have an affair they would absolve him of responsibility and blame it all on the horrible woman.

Reality is people are attracted to who they are attracted to. Life happens.

He likes you alright. He just wants you to work for it now, as his ego is missing the boost the flirtation gave him. Notice how every time it seems to be ending he pulls you back? You distance yourself (for perfectly obvious reasons) and he wants a heart to heart about why (re establishing intimacy) you move on as friends, he brings the idea of more than friends back to the table by talking about how it wouldn't work. If it goes to his plan the next conversation will be you persuading him you are his type. Theres no way he wants this to end.

So what's the next step, OP? Do you have plans to go cycling together? Has he been in touch since his rant? Have you? Or is it totally over? Keep us updated. If you need help spotting the script, free to come back on here. Take care!

I think that all these terms people are using to overcomplicate your situation such as: negging, narcissist, limerence are just describing the following basic situation....

He's a flirt. You had a crush. You told him. He was flattered. He realised he had gone too far. Your ego is bruised.

Stop training with him & move on op. It will be fine.

He's married.

I repeat.

Ffs, grow up.

Find a woman to go out cycling with.

He'll be back OP. It's a standard tactic, reel them in, knock them back, throw the bait back in the water and you'll be even more keen and so on. He's a player, and he is keeping you a secret from his wife and was long before your chat of feelings.

I think that unfortunately this is entirely possible, even likely. He is playing the OP like a fish on a hook. He’s negged her, and if he shows up at her door saying he was trying to do the right thing by pretending he wasn’t attracted to her but now he can’t help his feelings, then it sounds to me as if the OP would succumb.

Perhaps he took offence to this OP?
I said i felt weird how drawn we are to each other

It's like you're telling him how he feels about/towards you - even though you go on to say he agreed - maybe he didn't like being told.

I think you’ve done the right things so far, sound like you’re planning on continuing with that, and all this will wear off in the end. Crushes just do. And it’s totally normal to be sad and hurt by what he’s said, but that’s ok and part of being human. And that will wear off too, in the end.

@VenusTiger

Perhaps he took offence to this OP? I said i felt weird how drawn we are to each other

It's like you're telling him how he feels about/towards you - even though you go on to say he agreed - maybe he didn't like being told.

In fairness, according to the OP, he’d been telling her he couldn’t stop thinking about her, couldn’t get her out of his head, and was constantly texting her etc.

@Quirrelsotherface

The attraction was big here and it was both ways I believe (it’s annoying me that people are thinking I blindly declared my feelings and now have a bruised ego - this ‘thing’ was mutually present)

OP, it's so clear from everything you've said that it was, or at least started as, very mutual. I think the minute it was out in the open he has panicked and worried about losing his family set up.
The problem is that these sorts of threads always attract very insecure women who probably worry this could happen with their own husband. The type of women whereby if their husband did have an affair they would absolve him of responsibility and blame it all on the horrible woman.

Reality is people are attracted to who they are attracted to. Life happens.

Reality is most people with boundaries don't take to bombarding their crush with texts saying you "can't stop thinking about them" and lovebombing. This isn't a few swapped coy glances. Quite frankly, I blame him as much, if not more. But then I'm a bloke and not an "insecure" wife...

[quote TemporaryMadness]@OurMamInHavianas this didn’t escape me either - I am on Strava, he is not. I know, says it all now.[/quote]
You said you’d just taken up cycling. So, the chances of you and him being equally matched for training are very small. He’s been spending long hours training with you, and it probably wont have benefited his cycling performance.

As I said, I’ve seen this before. With married men. Usually when their wife gets (if is trying to get) pregnant or they have a small child.

The fact he's playing games with you shows he doesn't care.

He has put you in your place, he will come back I've no doubt, but now it is in your head you are not his 'type' to be a primary partner.

That is why you are offended, you thought you meant more, but he has let you know before it turns physical that you will always be the bit on the side and you cannot renegotiate that.

Those are his terms, like it or lump it.

I think you are both very much at fault, both complicit and have both acted quite dreadfully towards his poor wife.

So what have you got - a man that will never want you fully and a long term partner who now despises you.

Well done, what a noble sport cycling has been for you.