A huge crush on a married man. Sitting here crippled, it’s ridiculous

[TemporaryMadness]

I’ve namechanged.

I am in a relationship long term but we’ve been apart for the past 12 months due to CV. Work took us to different countries for the pandemic. Something has floundered there.

Cue me talking up a new sport. Meeting new people. Meeting this man.

Does any of this even matter, I’m just embarrassed and mortified and completely consumed with a crush on him. He is friendly, cheeky, interesting. We train together (long hours).

It’s pulled my head upside down and inside out.

And I finally raised it. I had distanced myself and he kept asking what’s wrong. I said i felt weird how drawn we are to each other and although we have not done one single thing untoward (he really hasn’t) it’s inappropriate. He said yes and he knew, was mutual and we needed to talk about it. Air cleared. It was crazy, I didn’t cringe, there was no blame, it was easy and ok. We carried on and did our thing for the day.

Oh relief, but also peace in the fact he was feeling the same while knowing neither of us is prepared to do anything about it. And be friends.

He then called in yesterday post exercise. Chat chat, and flippantly says I’m not his type and tells me why.

I’m 46 years old. I have not experienced being “told” by someone like I’m a cow at a mart, why I’m “not their type”. Academically I was annoyed at having my traits laid out. I didn’t ask - why does he think he has permission to tell me his opinion of why? Emotionally - and I fully acknowledge this is RIDICULOUS - I was absolutely gutted, maybe even devastated, and also reeling.

I’ve no idea what’s going on in my head now.

Because nothing has happened and never will. And because he’s married, I haven’t talked to anyone about this unusual friendship. This feels so magnified as a result.

I feel like I’m 14 and a boy doesn’t like me. FFS! Absolutely stupid of me. But I need to say it somewhere.

You’re a liar.

People who never intend to act on their feelings don’t tell the other person about their feelings.

The only thing to do is stop training with him. That’s what someone who doesn’t want an affair would do. It’s what they would have done ages ago.

You won’t do that though.

Plenty happened, as this was emotional infidelity.

This player with an agenda made his move with his ‘I can’t get you out of my head’ line. That was the moment when you should have totally distanced yourself. Instead you continued participating in the overfrequent contact and ego thrills, and, therefore, share responsibility for harming his wife. I wonder how long this stage continued and how often his wife and your partner were mentioned while he was so busy ‘getting the measure’ of you.

Kudos for finally putting on the brakes. The fact that he fervently pursued you yet later showed up specifically to devalue you after you put up a boundary demonstrates his narcissistic qualities.

Strengthen your relationship with your partner or end things. When Mr. Sharp and Witty resumes contact and suddenly values you again, don’t give him the time of day.

@Onthedunes

The fact he's playing games with you shows he doesn't care.

He has put you in your place, he will come back I've no doubt, but now it is in your head you are not his 'type' to be a primary partner.

That is why you are offended, you thought you meant more, but he has let you know before it turns physical that you will always be the bit on the side and you cannot renegotiate that.

Those are his terms, like it or lump it.

I think you are both very much at fault, both complicit and have both acted quite dreadfully towards his poor wife.

So what have you got - a man that will never want you fully and a long term partner who now despises you.

Well done, what a noble sport cycling has been for you.

What a spiteful, stupid, pointless post.

Have you read anything the op has written? I have. Where does it say that her partner despises her? And for what - being honest about feeling lonely while coronavirus has separated them and developing feelings for somebody else.

Well done, what a noble hobby posting on MN has been for you.

Yes, the idea is definitely that after letting you experience the sudden deprivation of his company and support and hitting your self esteem, the surge of relief and pleasure when he contacts you contrite, hesitant and emotional about how how he’s so sorry he said those things but he is frightened by his feelings for you and was trying to do the right thing, - your legs will give way and you’ll fall in a swoon that ends up with you landing on his cock as always planned.

Well said @Bridezillamaybe

I don't entirely disagree with what onthedunes is saying, but the nasty, vitriolic, spiteful way in which it's written is disgusting.

Makes me want to give @TemporaryMadness a big hug for having to read such bile.

Some people are being very harsh to OP. Who wouldn't have felt flattered by the attention when she's not with her DP currently? There but for the grace of god go all of us!

Ultimately, OP, you’ve probably got your head screwed on enough to know this bloke is a sleazebag, the constant messaging, the drivel of just HOW AMAZING you are, all whilst married to someone else.

Walk away from this poor excuse for a man with your head held high. Examine your current relationship, maybe it is past its sell by date... but know your own worth

Well said @Blackbird2020!

I am curious to know what he specifically said about you not being his type, @TemporaryMadness

Was it physical characteristics, or aspects of your personality?

@NewModelArmyMayhem18

Some people are being very harsh to OP. Who wouldn't have felt flattered by the attention when she's not with her DP currently? There but for the grace of god go all of us!

Thank you. I will never again say never have I ever… I have appreciated your posts.

This thread is nuts, it’s detailed into fault. I never brought up fault or who it sat with.

Anyway it’s plain as day now. I’m just getting on with my day.

Bridezilla I think it is fair that the OP gets support for her loneliness and prolonged lapse in judgement. But also, fair to get a bit of a shake to remind her that she was playing with fire by flirting with a sleazy married man, which will hopefully help her snap out of her crush.

Would you think it was fine if it was actually your partner she was texting all day and secretly spending hours a week with? Or are you just OK if it is some other poor woman’s partner?

@Blackbird2020

Ultimately, OP, you’ve probably got your head screwed on enough to know this bloke is a sleazebag, the constant messaging, the drivel of just HOW AMAZING you are, all whilst married to someone else.

Walk away from this poor excuse for a man with your head held high. Examine your current relationship, maybe it is past its sell by date... but know your own worth

I think so / hope so because I spotted it and called it out (yet people here think that was me propositioning him ) The outlier in all this was me having a racing pulse in all of this… and that vibe thing playing out. That’s what derailed my senses and took me by surprise. Paired back, it’s all a load of b*** but, that’s what happened.

If I had been in your shoes, OP, I would have felt absolutely deflated at being told why I am not someone's 'type'.

Looking at it objectively, I do agree with other posters that it sounds like he was enjoying the dynamic with you but then panicked when he thought about the possible repercussions, so he said the thing that he thought would be most likely to make you back off.

I am not sure if he was actively negging. It's possible, if he's as sharp and witty as you say he is. In the case that he was negging, just look out because negging only works if it is followed by more positive communication so he may seek you out.

@OurMamInHavianas

Bridezilla I think it is fair that the OP gets support for her loneliness and prolonged lapse in judgement. But also, fair to get a bit of a shake to remind her that she was playing with fire by flirting with a sleazy married man, which will hopefully help her snap out of her crush.

Would you think it was fine if it was actually your partner she was texting all day and secretly spending hours a week with? Or are you just OK if it is some other poor woman’s partner?

I don’t think @Bridezillamaybe is saying that she’s ok with it in principle either. Not how I’ve read it!

I appreciate the shake. God, what the fuck. HOW that all unfolded… feeling all sorts of shit today.

TemporaryMadness Maybe take that shit feeling and turn it into something positive - such as looking for a cycle group to join and train with? Or thinking about how to reinvigorate your relationship?

Hope you feel better soon. Best wishes.

@PerpetuallyBaffled

I am curious to know what he specifically said about you not being his type, *@TemporaryMadness*

Was it physical characteristics, or aspects of your personality?

It was both. There was a list!

I don’t know genuinely what good there is in listing them out on here.

I don’t need mumsnet picking them apart or telling what are “dealbreakers” for their husbands.

I’d never give anyone a physical or character assassination in any circumstances. Well, I take that back. Never say never…

TemporaryMadness how about trying a few counselling sessions to talk through all your shitty feelings?

@OurMamInHavianas

TemporaryMadness Maybe take that shit feeling and turn it into something positive - such as looking for a cycle group to join and train with? Or thinking about how to reinvigorate your relationship?

Hope you feel better soon. Best wishes.

Thanks. I have actually found a local group and joined it!

Yes on my actual REAL relationship. Never until this year has my partner been anything less than a hero to me. I have admired him as well as loved him. But not seeing each other … and this past year… has thrown a big spanner in the works. I feel like something has changed and I don’t know our new direction yet. Maybe it will be ok when we reconnect in person. But I’m nervous if that too.

Thank you for your kindness on here.

The reason I was asking specifically about what traits he mentioned was because it could tell you a lot about what was going on in his head and could potentially lessen the discomfort you felt at having your traits (real or imagined) being laid out before you.
I wasn't going to pick them apart @TemporaryMadness
Partners who are being cheated on will often have to endure character assassinations from the cheater. This is because it alleviates the cheater's guilt at cheating - because only a fool or a scumbag would cheat on a partner who is essentially perfect, right?!
It's curious that you appear to have experienced this phenomenon whilst not even being the primary partner.

Hi op. I don't know what his game is but he sounds toxic.

There clearly was something sparking between you and you backed off and he insisted on finding out what. Then he admitted he too felt like this and then he gives you a character assassination?? Wtf!!

Hope things work out with your real relationship once you see each other. Any idea when that will be?

The reason I was asking specifically about what traits he mentioned was because it could tell you a lot about what was going on in his head and could potentially lessen the discomfort you felt at having your traits (real or imagined) being laid out before you

This man does not one more iota of thought given to him by the OP.

OP - don’t fall into the trap of trying to find out what’s going in this man’s head, even under the guise of making yourself feel better.

You’ll make yourself feel better by acknowledging that whatever garbage came out of his mouth has nothing to do with you anymore, because you’ve realised what a twat he is

Does not need one more iota...

And good luck with your current relationship. I’ve been in your shoes more than once (lived apart from my DH overseas on 2 separate occasions, once for 5 years!) and it is totally natural to develop feelings for other people when away from your partner for so long. We’re probably biologically programmed to keep looking for mates!

Did I imagine he had a crush on me? I don’t think so? He didn’t flirt in a “I want to rip your clothes off, lets book a hotel” way. But he constantly said to me stuff along the lines of “I can’t get you out of my head / I’m amazed by you / you fascinate me” and asked my opinions on almost everything. He equally ripped the piss out of me and pushed me physically when we took up training together and it was a lot of fun. It was a very friendly rapport not dominated by the serious crush stuff. But it was intensifying. He texted constantly, all day, first thing in the morning, last thing at night.

Don’t believe men that go on like this. It’s such utter bullshit.

He wasn’t interested in you as a person. And the next man who says it won’t be interested in you, either.

I’m not saying that to be hurtful, I promise. I’m saying it because you need to steel yourself against this type of man. It’s never about you, it’s just something they do/say because it makes them feel powerful. It gives them a narcissistic mirror in which to gaze upon themselves.

You should have said STOP right from the beginning when he started pulling this stunt and told him to fuck off (no need to say the actual words directly to him, but you should have been saying it inside).

Classic wounded pride OP! He said himself he couldn't get you out of his head. He was majorly crushing on you, and you essentially knocked him back, with his random 3 day late laundry list, so his head had clearly been all over the place for 3 days. He's doing the 40 year old equivalent of pulling your hair to hide that he likes you.

Also if you trained together it's likely you'd get a crush - it's the exact same reason for the Strictly Curse. Studies show that training together can massively raise feelings of sexual attraction because of oxytocin, testosterone, pheromones, etc that you experience together. It's a very common thing.