Husband’s studies are destroying our marriage

[Yelpforhelpp]

DH and I have been together for almost 10 years, married for 6 and have 2 DC aged almost 3 and 12 months. We met at uni so both have degrees and have subsequently had decent, fairly well paid careers ever since.

Over the years DH has had numerous harebrained ideas such as going back to uni to study politics and become an MP, he got as far as applying through clearing but then backed out when he was accepted. He has also paid for random courses on groupon which he’s never completed and often speaks about business ventures he’d like to undertake. None ever materialise so I think I can be forgiven for rolling my eyes and not always taking him seriously.

In 2019 he decided he wanted to return to uni to get a second degree relevant to his career. It wasn’t necessary at all, it won’t further his career prospects within the company as far as I can see. It was more him wanting to further his knowledge within the field. He decided this in July 2019, his boss amazingly agreed and by August 2019 he had been accepted. When he mentioned it to me I honestly just thought he’d back out of it like he did with everything else but to my surprise, he didn’t.

Ever since it began our marriage has taken a major tumble. When he first started we only had one baby and I’d just returned to work but fell pregnant unexpectedly about 2 months after he started uni. As the Christmas period approached that year he had exams and he was so stressed out, he stayed up all night for a week revising and survived on energy drinks. It really wasn’t a healthy way to live, not even as a young student but he was now obviously late 20s with a young child and a job to go to the next day. We were already struggling at this point but obviously lockdown happened and the rest of the academic year was cancelled.

I’d say the lockdown period last year is the last time we actually got on. We had DC2 July 2020 and we really got on fantastically well until he returned to uni in September. Once he returned and had assignments and exams, it basically all went to shit. Once again he was a frazzled mess, pulling all nighters, constantly stressed out and worrying, spending entire weekends locked away in his study, barely spending time with us. He has no work/life balance at all, if he isn’t at work he seems to be studying at home.

The past 3/4 months have been worse than ever because he’s had numerous exams and assignments due in at a similar time so he’s been pretty much unbearable. He’s used all of his annual leave on study days, we went away for a long weekend to the coast last week and I had to take DC out alone because he stayed behind to study. He rarely helps out with DC anymore, I bath and put both to bed while he sits studying. He had yesterday off work to study so literally sat from the minute he got up to the minute we went to bed on his laptop. I can barely get a word in edgeways because he’s constantly discussing uni. It isn’t my field and not something I have much interest in so I usually have no idea what he’s talking about. I think it’s made worse by the fact he doesn’t only want a second degree but wants to graduate with a first again so he’s adamant he has to do his absolute best on every assignment/exam.

I have PND which is only amplifying my resentment towards him. I’m having weekly counselling sessions and the counsellor has said I need more support from him with DC, a GP told me this too. We moved away from my family before DC1 was born so I rarely see them and I don’t have any friends here either, I’m quite isolated atm but return to work PT in September so hoping that will help. I can’t pin the PND solely on him but have been told women who are both isolated from family/friends and who don’t receive any support with their children are more at risk. I didn’t have PND after DC1 so I’m thinking it’s because he isn’t very supportive.

The absolute worst thing is when people make out he’s some kind of messiah because he manages to work, study and has two small children. FIL is forever saying how proud he is and asking him not to ‘burn himself out’ . He’s chosen to study, it really isn’t necessary at all and nobody has forced him to do this. He also doesn’t do very much with DC or housework so he spends the vast majority of his time studying, none of this would be possible without me constantly picking up the slack.

I’m honestly just fed up and I have told him I don’t see our marriage lasting over the next year. I can’t imagine how he’s going to be with his dissertation, I don’t think I’ll be able to cope. I’m on the verge of ending our marriage right now because I’m struggling to see past this. I know he only has a year left and if I’ve survived the past 2, I should be able to push myself through the next one but I honestly can’t see a way through right now.

Just seeking some general advice, is divorce the only option? I still love him dearly but I really can’t cope with this. I know a lot of women deal with their OH’s working away for months at a time but I wouldn’t be able to, it isn’t what I signed up for really. He could have done this degree when the DC were older and at school, I honestly have no idea why he chose to do it right now when they’re so small and need help with everything. I’m going to spend some time at my Mum’s next week to get a break away from him and clear my head a bit.

I’m planning on having a conversation with him later when DC are in bed if he can spare me some time
He has to 'spare you some time' - and you have to be really clear with him how much you're suffering. You sound right at the end of your rope, OP.

The other crucial point is the 2nd child wasn't there until after he started the degree - they were an unplanned pregnancy. Because his course has forced them to condense it, it's not going to be possible for him to do it part time which would have been the other solution. The situation really isn't his fault. Working full time and doing a degree full time (which he's accountable to his employer for) leaves little time for family time - that's just the way it is. It would be the same if you or anyone else was in the same situation. Can you not leave with your mum/family for some time so she can help give you support/a break during his last year of study?

To be honest OP, I think your PND has clouded your judgement through no fault.of your own, so you're seeing your husband in a worse light than he actually is. Just focus on getting through the last year of his study and make it clear that if he wants to do a masters, he cannot do it until the kids are older.

I’m doing a masters and I’ve totally decided not to aim for a distinction. It’s not worth the extra time/work if you consider law of diminishing returns. Getting a distinction is twice the work of a merit.
So someone has paid for you to do a qualification and you're not really bothered. I used to go to college with people from places like India where people's families had gotten loans an DC put houses up so they could do qualifications. It's really insulting and privileged to say it doesn't matter

*live with

I'm also wondering why the OP didn't mention in her original post that it was a 5 year part time degree and he's basically been forced to compete it in 3 years! That's a huge omission and it's making me suspect that the OP is deliberately putting her husband in the worst light possible.

Did consider adding this info into the OP but feared it was convoluted enough so wasn’t sure it was overly relevant. It means he doesn’t get the 3 month break over summer and instead only gets 1 month. Also means more work is crammed into less time. I don’t think I did this purposely to paint him in a bad light. I’ve stuck to the facts by and large. He doesn’t need the second degree, he wants it. He could do it at any point in his life, including in around 3 years when both of our DC are at school full time. Instead he’s chosen to do it when they’re both very small and need constant care. I’m unsure whether this was an intentional act as some PP’s have suggested but he has checked out of parenting a lot of the time.

I work and study with young children and the happiness of my family come first. I’ve taken a break from work AND studies to go on maternity leave and I would take another break from studies if needed to make family life work. You need to tell him he needs to apply for an “interruption of study” on the basis that he needs to support his wife with mental health problems. Absolutely he should be able to defer, universities have policies in place to support families through education. And his fees will just be paused temporarily so why would work care?

I already have a degree and career as a result which I’m more than happy with whereas he seems to always want more.

So what? There's nothing wrong with wanting more from life. And to be honest, having a degree and a decent job aren't what I'd settle for either.

He works full time and studies full time (that's two full time jobs), you work more than full time looking after the kids (I imagine that's two full time jobs worth too). He probably needs as much support from you as you want support from him.

I think it's shitty that you've decided to go to your mum's just as he gets a break. Wasn't there any opportunity to go during term time - you say you feel isolated, and I think going to your mum's is a great idea, it gives both of you a break from the stress of trying to carry on in difficult circumstances, but your timing sucks.

Arrange a facilitated conversation with a counsellor maybe yours can recommend someone like a mediation session

Hi OP, clearly sine people on here cannot read. Your DH is selfish abs horrible and you are right to be angry. Women with PND are overwhelmingly more likely to be with partners who do not help out with the DC. And you have told him, your counsellor and GP agree, and still he ignores you.

I have completed many degrees. One Masters while I was head of department in a multinational: one new undergrad and masters while working PT with 3 DC and a husband who was never here ( I managed all study while DC were in bed, still cooked, cleaned and worked.). Honestly, if you are someone who cannot multitask, then you cannot undertake a degree while working full time with young DC.

From all you have written, things will not get better . You would be better off to make a plan four YOUR life while you are at your mums.

Some - apologies, phone typing.

Wasn't there any opportunity to go during term time

We’re both teachers. I’ve been on mat leave for the past year but she obviously hasn’t so no, not really an option. I’m returning in early September as well so the next month is our only opportunity. She lives around 60 miles away so not the sort of distance where we can just pop in for a cuppa for an hour. I didn’t do it to piss him off, I’d have honestly gone this week if I could but she’s busy.

I think he is being incredibly selfish. For YEARS. And yet you go to your mum's for a few days and people are saying that's shit? Having some time apart where he actually HAS time to reflect on this is no bad thing. I don't blame you at all. Having 2 such small children is incredibly hard. I also had PND, and it was a struggle. You do need support right now. If he's not willing and your mum is, grab that chance with both hands!

What’s the degree?

I am struggling to believe his employer have forked out this much money for something that won’t benefit them at all and that he isn’t tied to them afterwards?

I've seen other men do things like this when children are small and imo you don't just bounce back. It's a marriage-critical situation now, even if the break up will realistically be a a couple of years down the line if he fobs you off with some time-buying flim flam for now.

If you had already left him, what would he need to do to get you back?

That is the situation and he needs to understand that.

I'm really sorry OP but I agree with the PPs who think you are being a bit tough on your dh. I totally get it. You are both run ragged. Both of you are working very hard and there doesn't seem an end in sight. BUT there will be. Only one more year.

I know that seems like eternity from where you are right now but actually it's really not. Can you lean on friends/family, pay for a cleaner/childminder to make things easier.

As many others have already said... Baby number 2 came after the degree started; the degree was condensed after your husband had agreed to it; and there is no way an employer has agreed to foot the bill unless this will improve his position at work.

I agree with the PP who suggested a schedule - when he know the deadlines for the final year, you could sit down together and work out what will happen and when eg essay due on Wednesday? On Thursday he does the childcare and you go out with a friend. He should probably bugger off to MIL when he has exams and dissertation looming. I'd be tempted to go and stay with a friend for a couple of days in August leaving him with one or both kids so he gets a real idea of what it's like for you.

I think it's shitty that you've decided to go to your mum's just as he gets a break. Wasn't there any opportunity to go during term time - you say you feel isolated, and I think going to your mum's is a great idea, it gives both of you a break from the stress of trying to carry on in difficult circumstances, but your timing sucks

I think its shitty to accuse a woman who is also working and being two parents to their DC and juggling mental health issues of being selfish because for a few days she is accepting help from someone who will actually give it to her.

Her DH may just as well not be there because a partner who has unilaterally opted out of the family is often worse than none at all.

As for sneering at the OP for "settling" for a degree and a decent job. Well its a bloody good job she has or the kids would be parentless. As it is they have mr self indulgent focusing on his own varying wishes with sod all thought for the three other people he supposedly chose to share his life with.

@SarahDarah

To be honest OP, I think your PND has clouded your judgement through no fault.of your own

More like her DH’s lack of engagement and involvement has caused the PND!

He asked you what you suggest he does?

• Aim for a 2:1. He doesn't need a first, I promise. That's just about his ego. No employer is going to ask what class of degree he got.

• Actually do the extra jobs around the house that you're asking him to do, in a timely manner. You're literally telling him what you need, and he's ignoring it.

• Commit to take time out every week to spend with you and the family. Be present during those times, and not thinking about the studying.

• Come up with an answer to his question himself. Why should you have to do all the thinking? What does he think he could do to help the family more? You're ill, and his optional degree that he's chosen to do is making it worse. He needs to take some responsibility for that.

In my opinion, he's shoved all of his housework and childcare onto you, and given you no opportunity to decline it. He's effectively decided to use his free time to study, and that's ok... but you only get free time after you've done your chores. He's given his chores to you, and that's not on.

Instead he’s chosen to do it when they’re both very small and need constant care. I’m unsure whether this was an intentional act as some PP’s have suggested but he has checked out of parenting a lot of the time.

That's not true, he chose to do it when you had one young child.

And omitting that he signed up for a part time degree that, through no fault of his own, became full time, is a huge ommission.

A part time degree with one young child, a partner on maternity leave, then back to work and the child in childcare sounds totally doable.

You don't see the point in what he's doing and don't want him to do it. I think that's the crux of the matter.

I’m reluctant to state what the degree is because it’s a bit of an obscure one so will be outing (post probably already is outing enough tbh but still). He’s an engineer so already has a degree in a certain type of engineering but is now doing a second degree in a different type of engineering. I didn’t explain that very articulately but hope that makes sense.

It isn’t an online degree btw, I read someone stating that earlier. It’s only transformed into a mostly online degree due to covid. Prior to covid he travelled 80 miles every week to uni and back and was out of the house 6:30am-7/8pm ish depending on traffic.

@MooseBeTimeForSummer

Why do people keep saying divorce and 50/50 custody? You can’t force him to have that much contact, or any at all, if he doesn’t want to.

Exactly. And what would be the point of divorcing now for the sake of the final year of uni when it's almost complete? Utter madness.

She'll create an acrimonious home atmosphere for their kids if she files, and he'll be finished his degree by the time any divorce comes through anyway. She'll end up with majority of the child care and still be in the same situation.

If divorced, His kids will only partly be at home with him so he'll have ample time to find a new woman who appreciates him and actually cares about what he talks about, while he reaps the reward of the uni degree, remarries and has a kid with new woman and has a happy intact family with a comfortable life...

I think its shitty to accuse a woman who is also working

I thought the OP was on maternity leave?

It sounds like it's a convenient excuse for him to opt out of family life, sorry to say. He must know how disruptive it is, and you say you didn't sign up for that which is true; but if you've spoken about it and he still hasn't changed, either it's put up with it or leave him.

With kids that age you need all hands on deck.

He's being ridiculous and not thinking of you at all. Not sure how you're coping tbh.