Husband’s studies are destroying our marriage

[Yelpforhelpp]

DH and I have been together for almost 10 years, married for 6 and have 2 DC aged almost 3 and 12 months. We met at uni so both have degrees and have subsequently had decent, fairly well paid careers ever since.

Over the years DH has had numerous harebrained ideas such as going back to uni to study politics and become an MP, he got as far as applying through clearing but then backed out when he was accepted. He has also paid for random courses on groupon which he’s never completed and often speaks about business ventures he’d like to undertake. None ever materialise so I think I can be forgiven for rolling my eyes and not always taking him seriously.

In 2019 he decided he wanted to return to uni to get a second degree relevant to his career. It wasn’t necessary at all, it won’t further his career prospects within the company as far as I can see. It was more him wanting to further his knowledge within the field. He decided this in July 2019, his boss amazingly agreed and by August 2019 he had been accepted. When he mentioned it to me I honestly just thought he’d back out of it like he did with everything else but to my surprise, he didn’t.

Ever since it began our marriage has taken a major tumble. When he first started we only had one baby and I’d just returned to work but fell pregnant unexpectedly about 2 months after he started uni. As the Christmas period approached that year he had exams and he was so stressed out, he stayed up all night for a week revising and survived on energy drinks. It really wasn’t a healthy way to live, not even as a young student but he was now obviously late 20s with a young child and a job to go to the next day. We were already struggling at this point but obviously lockdown happened and the rest of the academic year was cancelled.

I’d say the lockdown period last year is the last time we actually got on. We had DC2 July 2020 and we really got on fantastically well until he returned to uni in September. Once he returned and had assignments and exams, it basically all went to shit. Once again he was a frazzled mess, pulling all nighters, constantly stressed out and worrying, spending entire weekends locked away in his study, barely spending time with us. He has no work/life balance at all, if he isn’t at work he seems to be studying at home.

The past 3/4 months have been worse than ever because he’s had numerous exams and assignments due in at a similar time so he’s been pretty much unbearable. He’s used all of his annual leave on study days, we went away for a long weekend to the coast last week and I had to take DC out alone because he stayed behind to study. He rarely helps out with DC anymore, I bath and put both to bed while he sits studying. He had yesterday off work to study so literally sat from the minute he got up to the minute we went to bed on his laptop. I can barely get a word in edgeways because he’s constantly discussing uni. It isn’t my field and not something I have much interest in so I usually have no idea what he’s talking about. I think it’s made worse by the fact he doesn’t only want a second degree but wants to graduate with a first again so he’s adamant he has to do his absolute best on every assignment/exam.

I have PND which is only amplifying my resentment towards him. I’m having weekly counselling sessions and the counsellor has said I need more support from him with DC, a GP told me this too. We moved away from my family before DC1 was born so I rarely see them and I don’t have any friends here either, I’m quite isolated atm but return to work PT in September so hoping that will help. I can’t pin the PND solely on him but have been told women who are both isolated from family/friends and who don’t receive any support with their children are more at risk. I didn’t have PND after DC1 so I’m thinking it’s because he isn’t very supportive.

The absolute worst thing is when people make out he’s some kind of messiah because he manages to work, study and has two small children. FIL is forever saying how proud he is and asking him not to ‘burn himself out’ . He’s chosen to study, it really isn’t necessary at all and nobody has forced him to do this. He also doesn’t do very much with DC or housework so he spends the vast majority of his time studying, none of this would be possible without me constantly picking up the slack.

I’m honestly just fed up and I have told him I don’t see our marriage lasting over the next year. I can’t imagine how he’s going to be with his dissertation, I don’t think I’ll be able to cope. I’m on the verge of ending our marriage right now because I’m struggling to see past this. I know he only has a year left and if I’ve survived the past 2, I should be able to push myself through the next one but I honestly can’t see a way through right now.

Just seeking some general advice, is divorce the only option? I still love him dearly but I really can’t cope with this. I know a lot of women deal with their OH’s working away for months at a time but I wouldn’t be able to, it isn’t what I signed up for really. He could have done this degree when the DC were older and at school, I honestly have no idea why he chose to do it right now when they’re so small and need help with everything. I’m going to spend some time at my Mum’s next week to get a break away from him and clear my head a bit.

OP when the five year part time was collapsed to three years full time what options was he offered? I'm surprised at a college forcing this as the most likely result would be people dropping out the course as very few part time students could unilaterally switch to full time whilst working (unless they all have partners looking after them).

Did he discuss the options with you?

OP it seems to me that the relationship is in deep danger - possibly it's already over. He seems to be choosing to avoid you, the DC and family life, at such a crucial time with such young DC. As I'm sure you've thought to yourself, DC are only young once - that's time he can never get back. This isn't a partnership between you and him anymore. It sounds more like you're a single mother to the DC and some kind of maid to DH.
I don't know the answer OP - perhaps couples counselling would help. You certainly need to let him know how you feel. Good luck.

As for sneering at the OP for "settling" for a degree and a decent job.

I'm not sneering at her, if she has a good degree and a good job and is happy with that, that's great!

She thinks her husband should be happy with what she's happy with and that's not so great.

@Insert1x20p

I’m doing a masters and I’ve totally decided not to aim for a distinction. It’s not worth the extra time/work if you consider law of diminishing returns. Getting a distinction is twice the work of a merit. Employers won’t care and optimising effort/ reward ratio is a key life skill- with few exceptions, the world of employment rewards those who get a lot of stuff done to the required standard, not those who get a little stuff done perfectly. I started my career in chartered accountancy and there was a prize for whoever passed their exams closest to the pass mark 🤣.

If you’re doing a masters where nobody cares whether you get a distinction or not then where’s the value in it?

Wait, you’re both teachers? So you have the whole academic holiday off? That is a game changer. Let him do it.

It isn't HIS life though is it, as an isolated entity. As a PPs pointed out, he is a parent, and thus, not an isolated entity. As I suggested upthread, I would love to know his reaction (and that of the oh it's his life, what is wrong with bettering yourself at the expense of your family, your wife's mental health and your marriage brigade on here) if she insisted she was going to work full time and study now, so he was doing 100% of child and house stuff henceforward.

I would just love to know

I think that you really need to tell him that you are not feeling like celebrating because of how shit your life is atm. I had PND and a husband working abroad all the time so I really get how lonely you feel. ALso, as you are about to go back to work (and as a teacher I assume you have marking/planning/paperwork to do outside of school hours). You need to develop a "parenting timetable" now that says on certain nights he does dinner bath and bed whilst you sit in the study doing your work and certain nights that you do it so he can study. Same at the weekend. Timetable also to include certain chores you each have to do and when they have to be done. I suggest that your list includes the things that will hurt him the most like food and laundry. Then if he doesn't pull his weight you cook and wash etc only for you and the kids - there's nothing like having no clean work clothes to buck his ideas up.

If the conversation goes badly I think you should ask your mum if there are any teaching jobs going near her and tell your not so DH you are moving back home.

Oh yes we forgot. During the school holidays, the housework does itself, and all young children toddle off to bed and sleep 24/7 for the duration

@C8H10N4O2

OP when the five year part time was collapsed to three years full time what options was he offered? I'm surprised at a college forcing this as the most likely result would be people dropping out the course as very few part time students could unilaterally switch to full time whilst working (unless they all have partners looking after them).

Did he discuss the options with you?

They basically had 2 running concurrently from what I can gather. One was a FT 3 year degree, the other (which DH was doing) was a PT 5 year degree. The one DH was doing only had 6 students, the 3 year one had a similar amount. Due to covid they decided to combine the two groups and basically asked everyone to agree to do the 3 year degree instead. This is what I gathered at the time anyway. He didn’t really have a choice so I’m not blaming him for this.

@Franklyfrost

Wait, you’re both teachers? So you have the whole academic holiday off? That is a game changer. Let him do it.

No, my Mother and I are teachers.

I can see why you have having such a tough time and I think some of the PPs are being unfair to you. You have PND and you are carrying the full load at home. You don't have any support and your DH sounds like he isn't easy to live with. I can see why he is finding it hard too, a full time job and degree is very hard. But I agree that it isn't a good time for him to study now, when the kids are older and at school would have been better. He has a family and he has to consider them too, he can't just focus on his career and studying.

Right now, you need to find ways to make things easier for you. Whether that is getting more childcare, a cleaner, online food shopping or getting him to help more. He needs to stick with it too, and not give up after a week.

@londonmummy1966

I think that you really need to tell him that you are not feeling like celebrating because of how shit your life is atm. I had PND and a husband working abroad all the time so I really get how lonely you feel. ALso, as you are about to go back to work (and as a teacher I assume you have marking/planning/paperwork to do outside of school hours). You need to develop a "parenting timetable" now that says on certain nights he does dinner bath and bed whilst you sit in the study doing your work and certain nights that you do it so he can study. Same at the weekend. Timetable also to include certain chores you each have to do and when they have to be done. I suggest that your list includes the things that will hurt him the most like food and laundry. Then if he doesn't pull his weight you cook and wash etc only for you and the kids - there's nothing like having no clean work clothes to buck his ideas up.

If the conversation goes badly I think you should ask your mum if there are any teaching jobs going near her and tell your not so DH you are moving back home.

Love the timetable idea, definitely going to use that. I will need some time to mark and lesson plan, yes. I’m returning PT for the first year so won’t have as many students but will ultimately always have some work to do at home.

I will ask my Mum about posts nearer to home. I moved here to suit DH and his job which has probably added further to the resentment.

She thinks her husband should be happy with what she's happy with and that's not so great

I read that she thinks he could wait until the DC are a bit older. He isn't single. His choices need to consider not just the himself or even the OP but his DC who are the big losers in his choice to check out of family responsibilities and the OP doing his share of those responsibilities.

This thread speaks to me because I have long considered getting an additional degree in an esoteric and highly difficult field that would need all of my free time. It is related to my job, but I don’t need the degree for my career and I don’t want to change jobs. I absolutely love my job and I’m happy to stay exactly where I am until retirement. I just feel incomplete without this degree. My child is a young teen with mild special needs, but even now I can see that the impact on my family would be potentially catastrophic.

My decision remains to not pursue the degree, even though it nags a bit at my soul.

Conversely, In your husband’s defense, if his employer is paying for the degree, it’s unlikely that it won’t actually help his earning potential. They don’t just support degrees for fun.

Conversely, In your husband’s defense, if his employer is paying for the degree, it’s unlikely that it won’t actually help his earning potential. They don’t just support degrees for fun.

It is relevant to his field of work for sure so I can see why they are supporting it. Just isn’t absolutely vital because he already has a degree within the field.

I read that she thinks he could wait until the DC are a bit older.

You’re absolutely right. I wouldn’t have minded him choosing to do this at a later stage in life when our DC were older. It’s the fact he chose to do it when our eldest was a baby so at his most needy stage of all.

@Yelpforhelpp

I'm also wondering why the OP didn't mention in her original post that it was a 5 year part time degree and he's basically been forced to compete it in 3 years! That's a huge omission and it's making me suspect that the OP is deliberately putting her husband in the worst light possible.

Did consider adding this info into the OP but feared it was convoluted enough so wasn’t sure it was overly relevant. It means he doesn’t get the 3 month break over summer and instead only gets 1 month. Also means more work is crammed into less time. I don’t think I did this purposely to paint him in a bad light. I’ve stuck to the facts by and large. He doesn’t need the second degree, he wants it. He could do it at any point in his life, including in around 3 years when both of our DC are at school full time. Instead he’s chosen to do it when they’re both very small and need constant care. I’m unsure whether this was an intentional act as some PP’s have suggested but he has checked out of parenting a lot of the time.

@Yelpforhelpp but would all employers agree to fund his degree? Sounds like he took the chance because current employer agreed to fund it now. Getting funding is a huge opportunity and no guarantee he would get the offer again in the future so I can see why he wanted to go with it when it was 5 years part time.

And presumably you actually agreed to him doing it at the time, which you've also conveniently omitted to mention?

As I said before, doing 3 year FT degree while working FT would, in my opinion, be unreasonable to do with little children but he didn't do this. This is what some posters have missed:

1. It was originally 5 year part time and you agreed to it
2. You only had one child

Second child was conceived after he started the course, and degree got shortened to 3 years. None of these things are anyone's fault. Life throws curveballs sometimes and yes it's very challenging but it's only temporary,
and that's why you got married, to get through the ups and downs together or what's the point? To be honest it's very selfish to break up your children's home over this and is going to permanently affect them.

I read through your post and then re-read it replacing 'study' with 'hobby'. It's the equivalent of spending all his time playing golf or with model trains or doing Viking re-enactments or whatever, dressed up as self-improvement. It's actually incredibly self-indulgent. I'd love to do another degree for my own knowledge and challenge and pleasure but I also know I simply don't have time because I have to work and look after kids and run a household. He's not factored you or the children into this AT ALL. I know a lot of dads who checked out in various ways when kids were tiny, for various reasons. It might get better after he finishes, it might get worse. Only you know whether you love him enough to wait and see.

Prior to covid he travelled 80 miles every week to uni and back and was out of the house 6:30am-7/8pm ish depending on traffic.

That's a really long day for both of you OP! Him working/studying and you working looking after your kids.

I think you need to consider that the degree he's doing is of value, even if you don't think it is. If it's engineering then, yes, one sort of engineering isn't the same as another sort.

To those people saying no one will care if he gets a 2.1 and not a 1st....get away! Of course they will. I think 50% of people get a 2.1 now, it'll get you somewhere, yes, but a 1st will make you stand out. And if he's putting the effort in to do it, and an employer is paying for it, it behoves him to get the best result he can.

Also of you haven't already OP, please see your GP about your PND. You may benefit from medication etc. I would also seriously consider living with family who can support you while your husband is studying. You need the support and it's not his fault he's unable to be fully present right now.

OP, can you start hiring help to lessen your load? That will not only make life easier for you, it will no doubt get his attention. If he isn't doing his share as a parent, the money he brings in can make up some of the deficiency. You might as well spend it now, because you won't be getting much of it if you leave him.

My advice would be to clearly communicate what you need. How are your finances arranged? I think he needs to see the labour it’s causing you and ensure he is mitigating it. So for example, you might agree to fund additional childminder time over and above your work hours so you get a break that doesn’t rely on him, you might agree to get a cleaner, he might agree to pick the children up from childminder once per week and be fully responsible for dinner, bath, bed. So you can also invest in your career.

He doesn’t get to demand sacrifice from you and then act like he isn’t. It clearly does require sacrifice as a family for him to finish his degree. If that’s what he wants he needs to mitigate any way he reasonably can.

^ when I say you fund, I mean from family finances or from his finances depending on how you are set up.

@Franklyfrost

Wait, you’re both teachers? So you have the whole academic holiday off? That is a game changer. Let him do it.

Teacher's don't have the whole holidays off. There's a lot of work to do when people think they're swanning about sipping pina coladas doing fuck all. (I'm not a teacher, btw, just appreciate it's not a 9-4 term time career.)

I read through your post and then re-read it replacing 'study' with 'hobby'. It's the equivalent of spending all his time playing golf or with model trains or doing Viking re-enactments or whatever

This is one of the daftest things I've read.

@SarahDarah

Also of you haven't already OP, please see your GP about your PND. You may benefit from medication etc. I would also seriously consider living with family who can support you while your husband is studying. You need the support and it's not his fault he's unable to be fully present right now.

I think it is his fault though. I shouldn’t have to ask my family to help me parent our children, their Father should be helping me raise our children. He isn’t sick or incapable of caring for them for some other reason. He isn’t helping me because he’s doing an optional degree.

Maybe we are just incompatible. Reading some posts on here is making me think I’m just happy with my life as a teacher but he’s obviously more ambitious than I am and wants to keep changing career path which may mean more and more studying over the years.