Husband’s studies are destroying our marriage

[Yelpforhelpp]

DH and I have been together for almost 10 years, married for 6 and have 2 DC aged almost 3 and 12 months. We met at uni so both have degrees and have subsequently had decent, fairly well paid careers ever since.

Over the years DH has had numerous harebrained ideas such as going back to uni to study politics and become an MP, he got as far as applying through clearing but then backed out when he was accepted. He has also paid for random courses on groupon which he’s never completed and often speaks about business ventures he’d like to undertake. None ever materialise so I think I can be forgiven for rolling my eyes and not always taking him seriously.

In 2019 he decided he wanted to return to uni to get a second degree relevant to his career. It wasn’t necessary at all, it won’t further his career prospects within the company as far as I can see. It was more him wanting to further his knowledge within the field. He decided this in July 2019, his boss amazingly agreed and by August 2019 he had been accepted. When he mentioned it to me I honestly just thought he’d back out of it like he did with everything else but to my surprise, he didn’t.

Ever since it began our marriage has taken a major tumble. When he first started we only had one baby and I’d just returned to work but fell pregnant unexpectedly about 2 months after he started uni. As the Christmas period approached that year he had exams and he was so stressed out, he stayed up all night for a week revising and survived on energy drinks. It really wasn’t a healthy way to live, not even as a young student but he was now obviously late 20s with a young child and a job to go to the next day. We were already struggling at this point but obviously lockdown happened and the rest of the academic year was cancelled.

I’d say the lockdown period last year is the last time we actually got on. We had DC2 July 2020 and we really got on fantastically well until he returned to uni in September. Once he returned and had assignments and exams, it basically all went to shit. Once again he was a frazzled mess, pulling all nighters, constantly stressed out and worrying, spending entire weekends locked away in his study, barely spending time with us. He has no work/life balance at all, if he isn’t at work he seems to be studying at home.

The past 3/4 months have been worse than ever because he’s had numerous exams and assignments due in at a similar time so he’s been pretty much unbearable. He’s used all of his annual leave on study days, we went away for a long weekend to the coast last week and I had to take DC out alone because he stayed behind to study. He rarely helps out with DC anymore, I bath and put both to bed while he sits studying. He had yesterday off work to study so literally sat from the minute he got up to the minute we went to bed on his laptop. I can barely get a word in edgeways because he’s constantly discussing uni. It isn’t my field and not something I have much interest in so I usually have no idea what he’s talking about. I think it’s made worse by the fact he doesn’t only want a second degree but wants to graduate with a first again so he’s adamant he has to do his absolute best on every assignment/exam.

I have PND which is only amplifying my resentment towards him. I’m having weekly counselling sessions and the counsellor has said I need more support from him with DC, a GP told me this too. We moved away from my family before DC1 was born so I rarely see them and I don’t have any friends here either, I’m quite isolated atm but return to work PT in September so hoping that will help. I can’t pin the PND solely on him but have been told women who are both isolated from family/friends and who don’t receive any support with their children are more at risk. I didn’t have PND after DC1 so I’m thinking it’s because he isn’t very supportive.

The absolute worst thing is when people make out he’s some kind of messiah because he manages to work, study and has two small children. FIL is forever saying how proud he is and asking him not to ‘burn himself out’ . He’s chosen to study, it really isn’t necessary at all and nobody has forced him to do this. He also doesn’t do very much with DC or housework so he spends the vast majority of his time studying, none of this would be possible without me constantly picking up the slack.

I’m honestly just fed up and I have told him I don’t see our marriage lasting over the next year. I can’t imagine how he’s going to be with his dissertation, I don’t think I’ll be able to cope. I’m on the verge of ending our marriage right now because I’m struggling to see past this. I know he only has a year left and if I’ve survived the past 2, I should be able to push myself through the next one but I honestly can’t see a way through right now.

Just seeking some general advice, is divorce the only option? I still love him dearly but I really can’t cope with this. I know a lot of women deal with their OH’s working away for months at a time but I wouldn’t be able to, it isn’t what I signed up for really. He could have done this degree when the DC were older and at school, I honestly have no idea why he chose to do it right now when they’re so small and need help with everything. I’m going to spend some time at my Mum’s next week to get a break away from him and clear my head a bit.

I’m doing a masters and I’ve totally decided not to aim for a distinction. It’s not worth the extra time/work if you consider law of diminishing returns. Getting a distinction is twice the work of a merit. Employers won’t care and optimising effort/ reward ratio is a key life skill- with few exceptions, the world of employment rewards those who get a lot of stuff done to the required standard, not those who get a little stuff done perfectly. I started my career in chartered accountancy and there was a prize for whoever passed their exams closest to the pass mark 🤣.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

His employers must think it’s while as it must be costing them at least £27k so a huge amount to invest in an employee. He is right to stick with it and give it his all. He can’t just defer or drop out when someone else is funding it. When he committed to the course there wasn’t a pregnancy or baby on the horizon. When that was known, the uni and committment were already there.

Not only that, when he started it was a five year part time degree. It's now suddenly condensed and instead of the expected three months break, he only has one month.

Neither of these things were how it was supposed to go, and have undoubtedly added pressure and stress, but they're not anyone's fault.

And like you say, with a huge investment from his employer he has to keep at it.

Divorce, 50/50 custody. He’d soon have to step up!

He's being totally selfish, and he won't change. I can guarantee he will sign up for a masters when he finishes his degree. He needs to pull his weight with the children but, like a lot of men and a couple of posters on this thread, he sees them as your responsibility and you just have to lump it. You need support. Can you move back closer to your family?

I did a degree when my DC were primary school age. Because, unlike your husband, I didn't have the luxury of assuming someone else would run my life for me, I did mine part time over 5 years and graduated with a first. How can anyone think that him just checking out of family life is in any way OK?

I agree with a PP, you should tell him to move out for his final year and then reassess the relationship.

You’ve told him what you need from him and he’s ignored you
He values his study time more than time with his family

No wonder you’ve had enough

[quote AntiWorkBrigade]@stayathomer - of course you can tell someone not to try their very best if the difference between putting in the time to a good result and trying their very best is the difference between participating in family life or not. Great if you can get a first, but not if the extra effort required means your partner is left to look after young kids on their own.[/quote]
I disagree with that.

It's HIS life. It's up to him to chose where he puts his efforts and if studying and making the best out of this opportunity to be back at Uni is his choice, no one should be putting pressure on him to not do well 'just because it works better for them'.

It's too easy to say it's selfish to want to study/further your career and opportunities when the reason for that is the just as selfish want of not changing the way she lives/of wanting support because they've an unexpected baby in the middle of his studies.

Is he coming to counselling with you? That might help him get some perspective on the situation.

Could you sit down with him (and maybe counsellor too) at a calm time and make a schedule with him that includes time with you and DC, time to study, and time for chores/life stuff? He needs to make time for everything, and any sacrifices he makes should either not affect you (e.g. he gets up at 4am to work while you sleep) or should be agreed with you in advance (e.g. you have the kids for four hours on a Saturday so he can study.) You could even make it a monthly or weekly schedule event so you can stay on track and incorporate whatever's needed.

If he isn't prepared to do that, or to come to counselling with you, I'm not sure what more you can do. You will have to decide if you want to keep living like this.

Re the employer, might have just got training targets to hit. Hard to say. Also if the degree is online could be significantly less than 27k.

Where on earth is tuition £2K?

in fantasy land!

Fat fingers-I meant £27k!

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

His employers must think it’s while as it must be costing them at least £27k so a huge amount to invest in an employee. He is right to stick with it and give it his all. He can’t just defer or drop out when someone else is funding it. When he committed to the course there wasn’t a pregnancy or baby on the horizon. When that was known, the uni and committment were already there.

I completely agree - and with @SixesAndEights about your views of your DH, OP. You're very disparaging about him while failing to take into account he's working FT and studying FT. He's not glued to a PS5 living the life of Riley.

You're clearly unhappy and resentful and are using this degree to focus on, the pot being stirred perhaps by your counsellor (why I'm not a fan of counsellors as often they tend to tell you want you want to hear rather than encouraging you to step back and look at a situation dispassionately from both perspectives).

By all means get divorced if you think that's the solution, but in reality you'll have less help then, not more.

@SixesAndEights

Something that stood out for me is that he's started, or been about to start, numerous qualifications then dropped out and you've criticised him for that, yet here he is sticking with something and you don't want him to do that either. In fact, you're quite disparaging about the whole thing. He says it will deepen his knowledge, that it's relevant. His work have paid for it so they must also think it's worthwhile, even if you're amazed they've done so. Employers don't splash out money for no reason. His boss must believe it will be beneficial even if you don't.

A relative of mine studied for an MA whilst working full time and with two very young children. Her husband, also working full time, picked up the slack. She barely slept and lived off vitamin pills.

I don't know OP, you say he hasn't been supportive of you, yet you've rolled your eyes at his studying, don't engage when he talks about it because you're not interested, are amazed his employer paid for it, you think it's pointless, and you thought he'd back out of it because he had done with everything else.

You talk about wanting him to defer, and I feel you'd rather he just stopped, but wouldn't that just end up being another thing he doesn't finish?

He's working full time and doing a degree full time. You're currently looking after the children full time. Perhaps a balance would be him taking some of the load off you, and you taking some of the load off him, too. So you both feel better supported in both your lives.

This is a perceptive and sensible post.

he needs to help out.
you need to have time together.
other than that it wont work.

So he hasn’t even asked work/uni if it’s possible for him to pause his studies for a year? Has he asked work if he can drop another day, or take extra unpaid leave? Has he investigated paying for extra help in the house?

He’s treating you and his children like crap.

Why do people keep saying divorce and 50/50 custody? You can’t force him to have that much contact, or any at all, if he doesn’t want to.

I have no advice really but I do understand. I had my second DC in December and then in January DH started revising for his last set of professional exams which were at the end of June. It’s a different situation in that he has to do these exams to complete his training but he did not need to sit them in June and could have postponed. I essentially got ditched with a toddler and a newborn at the peak of lockdown with zero support. Thankfully we are financially fortunate enough that I was able to send my son to nursery 3 half days a week but I developed PND and I feel it’s because I was completely on my own. When lockdown started to lift I was unable to go and do anything on my own as I had at least one child 24/7 as he was never there to help. I really resent him for it and I’m having counselling too. We have now agreed that once a week I am guaranteed an evening to myself, whether I want to meet friends, exercise or something else. It is a protected few hours. It is really helping me as I felt completely lost. Is this something you could consider?
Like you, I feel that going back to work will help me and I am bringing forward my return.

The fact it was condensed to 3 years is not his fault, nobody could predict covid and we couldn’t possibly predict his degree would end up the way it has. I understand why he wants to do this degree, he wants to further his knowledge within his field which I totally get. It isn’t that I totally lack ambition, it’s just that I already have a degree and career as a result which I’m more than happy with whereas he seems to always want more. If it wasn’t this, it would have been something else. He’s always been seeking ‘something more’, he doesn’t seem to ever be satisfied with what he has. So for me, PP’s suggesting there will be something else after this is over are absolutely right. He’s joked about doing a masters but I think he’s deadly serious, I do think that will be the next thing.

When you have children you have to accept that certain sacrifices need to be made. I wouldn’t have minded half as much if he’d decided to do this when our DC were older and at school FT. It’s the fact he chose to do it when DC1 was a baby then obviously I fell pregnant two months into his degree which wasn’t planned but he’s continued as though we have no children at all. We both studied relentlessly a decade ago when we did our first degrees and that was fine because we could do that, we had no other responsibilities but now he has two small children.

I won’t suggest he aims for a 2:1 fwiw and I don’t think he’d listen even if I did… He’s adamant he’ll finish with a first so that’s almost definitely what he’ll do. Just think it will be at the detriment of our marriage.

I didn’t bother telling him I had an issue with this at the time because 2
years prior to this he was applying to uni to study politics and was serious about becoming an MP. I thought this would be the same sort of thing and would blow over.

What a nightmare.

He shouldn't have assumed you were the default childcare, of course.

At the same time, it's very significant that he signed up to a part time course. I think you've lost sight of that. It would have been one of the first things to say but you dropped it in halfway through the thread. You also sound contemptuous when you say he has a fickle nature. If you're generally like that, I can understand why he might be driven to succeed elsewhere.

But overall my sympathies are with you. However this came about, he has to see that it can't continue. He's prioritizing personal success and money over everything else. That's not a good choice.

I am assuming that you want to stay married to him, but you cannot cope with the current situation. My advice is based on this, and is just my opinion (although I am writing it in the imperative).

You and he both need to stop thinking about him 'helping' with the children or around the house. You need to share responsibility for these things. Neither of you is coping with the current situation. He needs to balance his responsibilities with his degree and work. It sounds like they are already being accommodating with extensions etc. so he needs to keep in contact with the university and ensure this support stays in place. You each need agreed to assigned roles in the household - e.g. which days bathtime is his responsibility. You could agree time periods when he knows he will be struggling with university (e.g. deadline weeks/ the week before exams) when you will cover some of his responsibilities for a finite period. He then needs to pick up these responsibilities again. This is something you can continue once he has finished studying as well, with both of you covering for each other during (e.g.) busy work periods.

@Incipit

So he hasn’t even asked work/uni if it’s possible for him to pause his studies for a year? Has he asked work if he can drop another day, or take extra unpaid leave? Has he investigated paying for extra help in the house?

He’s treating you and his children like crap.

No, he hasn’t asked. I’m planning on having a conversation with him later when DC are in bed if he can spare me some time anyway and I will ask whether this is an option.

I'm also wondering why the OP didn't mention in her original post that it was a 5 year part time degree and he's basically been forced to compete it in 3 years! That's a huge omission and it's making me suspect that the OP is deliberately putting her husband in the worst light possible. Another astute poster pointed out her disparaging attitude towards him and rightfully pointed out that the course must be relevant for his job otherwise no sane employer would fund it. I wonder if because she's chosen to be so disinterested in her DH's job she's not picked up what the relevance is and the fault lies with her.

Voluntarily doing a FT course in 3 years looked very selfish considering his responsibilities at home, but knowing the true situation changes things significantly. It sounds incredibly stressful for her husband - it makes more sense now why he's locking himself away to get everything done.

He is being selfish and inflexible. I suspect he is trying to live up to his father's expectations and has perfectionist tendencies because of it. Once you are well established in your career the difference between a 2:1 and a first is probably quite marginal. I work in the City and I have no idea what degree class people got.

He has to build family time into his schedule especially when you go back to work. Perhaps he needs to get up at 5am and get 1.5 hrs done in the mornings - I've done that. He can do breakfast at 6:30am for the DC. In the evenings no study until the DC have gone to bed. He can have all of his day off work outside those times to study. On the weekend he can study 8am - 1pm on Sat and 1-6pm on Sun the rest of the time is family time. That should give him a good 30-40 hrs a week study time whilst still doing breakfasts, bedtimes and half days on weekends.

I would also make it clear that there will be no back up from you for a Masters until the DC are older.

He’s always been seeking ‘something more’, he doesn’t seem to ever be satisfied with what he has.

Might be completely off-base here, OP, but has he ever been assessed for ADHD? That is one of the key traits, along with obsessive hyperfocus on one thing to the exclusion of everything else, mood problems and difficulty listening to others and understanding different points of view.

Just a thought, obvs can't diagnose someone over the internet, but your posts were ringing little bells for me. I have ADHD (diagnosed as an adult) and have struggled with similar behaviours and problems in relationships. Medication can really help.

I haven’t read the thread but I study, work and have kids. I found out from the university how many hours a student is expected to do (my uni gave a range from min-max expected hours per week, I’m doing in between the two). I’ve timetabled our it for the whole academic year so that me and my dp know how many hours I’m working on each given day for months in advance. This means my partner knows what’s going on (I did this before accepting my offer so that we could see if it was feasible for me to study). It also means that there’s a limit to the time I will give to my studies. I’m trying to do the best I can with the time I have (I’m heading for a distinction so I am managing to study enough). My point is, a rigid study time table means that my partner knows what’s going on and I can’t get sucked into all nighters. Maybe you can do something similar.

Well it does seem wanky waiting till he's got some free time then taking yourself off.

I didn’t do this intentionally. I spoke to my Mother on the phone yesterday because I was quite upset and she asked whether I’d like to bring DC over to hers next week for a few days for some time away. This was the soonest time she had availability, I didn’t do it to intentionally piss DH off.

It's HIS life. It's up to him to chose where he puts his efforts and if studying and making the best out of this opportunity to be back at Uni is his choice, no one should be putting pressure on him to not do well 'just because it works better for them'.

Yes it is his life. But they have two children. The OP can't choose to step back from family life and not look after their joint kids, can she? Where is her freedom of choice in all this?

In reality, if the OP walked out and left the kids with him (a choice theoretically open to her), he'd have to suck it up and look after them because he's a parent too.

What do you do if both parents choose to opt out of family life? It doesn't work, does it? Then why does one parent get to opt out?