Husband’s studies are destroying our marriage

[Yelpforhelpp]

DH and I have been together for almost 10 years, married for 6 and have 2 DC aged almost 3 and 12 months. We met at uni so both have degrees and have subsequently had decent, fairly well paid careers ever since.

Over the years DH has had numerous harebrained ideas such as going back to uni to study politics and become an MP, he got as far as applying through clearing but then backed out when he was accepted. He has also paid for random courses on groupon which he’s never completed and often speaks about business ventures he’d like to undertake. None ever materialise so I think I can be forgiven for rolling my eyes and not always taking him seriously.

In 2019 he decided he wanted to return to uni to get a second degree relevant to his career. It wasn’t necessary at all, it won’t further his career prospects within the company as far as I can see. It was more him wanting to further his knowledge within the field. He decided this in July 2019, his boss amazingly agreed and by August 2019 he had been accepted. When he mentioned it to me I honestly just thought he’d back out of it like he did with everything else but to my surprise, he didn’t.

Ever since it began our marriage has taken a major tumble. When he first started we only had one baby and I’d just returned to work but fell pregnant unexpectedly about 2 months after he started uni. As the Christmas period approached that year he had exams and he was so stressed out, he stayed up all night for a week revising and survived on energy drinks. It really wasn’t a healthy way to live, not even as a young student but he was now obviously late 20s with a young child and a job to go to the next day. We were already struggling at this point but obviously lockdown happened and the rest of the academic year was cancelled.

I’d say the lockdown period last year is the last time we actually got on. We had DC2 July 2020 and we really got on fantastically well until he returned to uni in September. Once he returned and had assignments and exams, it basically all went to shit. Once again he was a frazzled mess, pulling all nighters, constantly stressed out and worrying, spending entire weekends locked away in his study, barely spending time with us. He has no work/life balance at all, if he isn’t at work he seems to be studying at home.

The past 3/4 months have been worse than ever because he’s had numerous exams and assignments due in at a similar time so he’s been pretty much unbearable. He’s used all of his annual leave on study days, we went away for a long weekend to the coast last week and I had to take DC out alone because he stayed behind to study. He rarely helps out with DC anymore, I bath and put both to bed while he sits studying. He had yesterday off work to study so literally sat from the minute he got up to the minute we went to bed on his laptop. I can barely get a word in edgeways because he’s constantly discussing uni. It isn’t my field and not something I have much interest in so I usually have no idea what he’s talking about. I think it’s made worse by the fact he doesn’t only want a second degree but wants to graduate with a first again so he’s adamant he has to do his absolute best on every assignment/exam.

I have PND which is only amplifying my resentment towards him. I’m having weekly counselling sessions and the counsellor has said I need more support from him with DC, a GP told me this too. We moved away from my family before DC1 was born so I rarely see them and I don’t have any friends here either, I’m quite isolated atm but return to work PT in September so hoping that will help. I can’t pin the PND solely on him but have been told women who are both isolated from family/friends and who don’t receive any support with their children are more at risk. I didn’t have PND after DC1 so I’m thinking it’s because he isn’t very supportive.

The absolute worst thing is when people make out he’s some kind of messiah because he manages to work, study and has two small children. FIL is forever saying how proud he is and asking him not to ‘burn himself out’ . He’s chosen to study, it really isn’t necessary at all and nobody has forced him to do this. He also doesn’t do very much with DC or housework so he spends the vast majority of his time studying, none of this would be possible without me constantly picking up the slack.

I’m honestly just fed up and I have told him I don’t see our marriage lasting over the next year. I can’t imagine how he’s going to be with his dissertation, I don’t think I’ll be able to cope. I’m on the verge of ending our marriage right now because I’m struggling to see past this. I know he only has a year left and if I’ve survived the past 2, I should be able to push myself through the next one but I honestly can’t see a way through right now.

Just seeking some general advice, is divorce the only option? I still love him dearly but I really can’t cope with this. I know a lot of women deal with their OH’s working away for months at a time but I wouldn’t be able to, it isn’t what I signed up for really. He could have done this degree when the DC were older and at school, I honestly have no idea why he chose to do it right now when they’re so small and need help with everything. I’m going to spend some time at my Mum’s next week to get a break away from him and clear my head a bit.

Does your DH love you OP?
Because evidence would suggest not.
Why would you watch your wife struggle and not help her?

He sounds very driven to achieve. What will he get out of this, other than the satisfaction of a first?

It sounds like he could do with some counselling to identify his priorities.

My husband studied when our children were small, but for his first degree, and it did make sense. It was difficult but it was a period of time and we are through it and are the better for it.

If he is likely to be done after his dissertation I would stick with it. If it is a pattern of behaviour. I would think again.

@BillMasen

I agree with a lot of previous posters. You were dismissive of him not sticking at things and now are dismissive of him sticking at this. You think he should settle for the level he is at. You believe his study (funded by work who clearly value it) as pointless.

If you were a man I think there would be a lot more people saying you should support your partner, help them better themselves, not to hold them back. Hell you’d probably even be accused of wanting to control her and keep her down

I understand it’s hard, and yes you should discuss how he should balance his responsibilities. But I can understand if, at the moment, he feels you are dismissive of him

Exactly this @BillMasen

The OP also sneakily left out huge important details from her OP in order to manipulate the replies into those she wants to hear. Most people, especially in long threads, won't bother going through all posts to read all the information, they are just commenting on the original post where she deliberately choose not to mention it was originally 5 years part time when he agreed to do it (it would be very unreasonable to do if it was FT, that it was shrunk to 3 years FT through no fault of his own which will naturally cause immense stress and vastly increased time to be needed since he's also working FT, that it clearly is of value to his job because they're funding it, that the fact they're funding it would mean he'd have to take up the opportunity at that point and not years down the line, that they only had one child originally, and of course she agreed to all this herself in the first place.

She comes across as disparaging towards her husband and arrogantly assumes she knows more about his job and the value of his degree than his own employer who is willing to plough substantial money into it. She said herself she doesn't bother to properly listen when he discusses his job so how would she even know if it's what she's dismissively calling an "optional" degree.

IHer oposts ome across badly once you know the key details and I'm hoping it's because of her PND and not her true personality. If the genders were reversed and the OP actually put all.of the truth in the original post, posters would be telling OP to suck it up and stop being so undermining of their own spouse, and be supportive for the final year of study.

It's so destructive to be thinking of smashing up your children's home to pieces for the sake of a year you'd have to go through anyway even if you filed for divorce, that I think OP must not be in her right mind. She's lucky she has family to stay with over the summer - she should do that to get herself aore support - that's what family is there for.Anything else is just being deliberately masochistic.

@SarahDarah That 'detail' is so irrelevant it doesn't actually change the gist of the complaint.

The issue is the OP's husband has checked out of the marriage, and checked out of being a father. He is acting like a bachelor.

Whether she knew it was condensed, uncondensensed, homogenised, written in sancrit, what the flip does that have to do with the ACTUAL GIST OF THE THREAD? You seem slyly and manipulatively fixating on a detail of less than zero consequence, to attack the OP who is going through more than enough right now and is the victim, not the husband.

Sorry, I realise the above post may come across as harsh OP but I do think you need to reframe this situation and not just see it from your own position of bias. Getting other bias replies won't help you either. He physically can't change his course so there's no point holding onto all this unfair blame and resentment towards him.

It's understandable he chose to do this degree if he likes learning and is driven. You knew how he is like and this is the person you freely chose to marry . He didn't choose 3years full time at the outset (which would be unacceptable) and he can't just quit or postpone it due to his employer funding it so you need to give him a lot more slack.

I would go back to your GP and go on medication. Your counsellor shouldn't be advising you on what to do - that's not their role. Since this isn't joint counselling, theyve also only heard your side of the story and if you've been discussing the situation as you've done here, they would have heard only a biased version to go on.

@NeonDreams have you ever worked full time AND done a full time degree? Of course he's unable to take on the same level of responsibilities as a family man at home. It's physically impossible unless he chooses not to pass his degree. Read the entire thread. Of course it's unreasonable to do voluntarily do a FT degree and work FT if you have very young kids at home. The whole point is that he's been forced into this situation by his uni, he didn't choose it. He originally signed up to do this 5 years part time.

This 100000000%

Well, she isn't working and I didn't sneer at her so you're agreeing with stuff that isn't actually true.

What is with the victim-blaming? Where did she say he was like this when she married him? I doubt she would have married him if he was like this from day one.

A woman is struggling, her husband has emotionally checked out of the marriage, checked out of being an active father. He doesn't help around the house. He is unbearable to be around. What other 'side' is there, to a man who has clearly checked out of marriage and family life? If a counsellor isn't there to advise her, what are they there for?

He CAN always defer. He simply chooses to put this study ahead of his own wife and his own children. He has a CHOICE. He has made it.

[quote SarahDarah]**@NeonDreams* have you ever worked full time AND done a full time degree? Of course he's unable to take on the same level of responsibilities as a family man at home. It's physically impossible unless he chooses not to pass his degree. Read the entire thread. Of course it's unreasonable to do voluntarily do a FT degree and work FT if you have very young kids at home. The whole point is that he's been forced* into this situation by his uni, he didn't choose it. He originally signed up to do this 5 years part time.[/quote]
Yes, I HAVE read the full thread. It is TOTALLY IRRELEVANT whether it was originally part time and now full time!! Totally......IRRELEVANT. The point of the thread has gone entirely right over your head.

He can defer. He can choose to do that. He is NOT being 'forced' to do anything. He can choose to defer, and save his marriage.

He has chosen not to.

@NeonDreams spot on.

I sometimes wonder what goes through some posters’ minds. Poor OP is singlehandedly raising the children, doing all the housework, suffering from PND, recovering physically from what sounds like a pretty awful birth & aftermath & posters are laying into her for not being more supportive of her “D”H. I’m not surprised you feel resentful, I am on your behalf. You also have the prospect of returning to a career in the autumn when you’ll be juggling your teaching responsibilities too.

I hope your talk went well but I’m struggling to see what on earth he brings to the table as a husband and father (other than some money).

I think he's just a coward and runs away to study.

The OP is refusing family help and instead is fixating on things that were outside their control. None of which will help her now. There's only one year left. She needs to focus on getting through it. Even if she hypothetically filed for divorce tomorrow, it won't help their predicament at all, and ironically the divorce will come through when the main problem is gone so would be utterly pointless. She has PND so the way she's seeing things will understandably be with a negative bias so she shouldn't be making any life changing decisions that she'll come to regret down the line.

She has to focus on getting her PND treated, and using family support available. This whole situation is very challenging but it's only temporary. All.marriages go through tough times, if everyone bailed at every trouble, no one would stay married and all kids will be from broken homes. Divorce is HUGE despite this online forum treating it very flippantly. It's downright irresponsible to goad anyone to make big decisions just because we know we and our own families won't face the consequences ourselves.

@NeonDreams instead of shouting on a post, actually read the thread people are discussing and give constructive points to the OP...

The husband is getting an awful lot of slack from some quarters for the course being condensed, but both he and op are dealing with a much bigger, much more important unplanned circumstance, and that is the second baby. Which inexplicably seems to be hers alone to deal with with no expectation that he alters his plans.

I’d be very surprised if the employer here didn’t support him deferring in the face of a major life event, so I don’t buy the fact that he must continue at all costs.

And as mentioned earlier, he certainly does not need to go for a first under these circumstances. That is the bit I would find unforgivable frankly.

@NeonDreams yet again, you clearly haven't read the thread 🙄 OP herself says this:

Yes his employer is funding it which is partially why I don’t think deferral will be an option.

Of course deferral would be the obvious option if he was funding it and exactly what he should be doing to help OP. However, employer is funding it. I don't understand why people can't read posts...

@SarahDarah

The OP is refusing family help and instead is fixating on things that were outside their control. None of which will help her now. There's only one year left. She needs to focus on getting through it. Even if she hypothetically filed for divorce tomorrow, it won't help their predicament at all, and ironically the divorce will come through when the main problem is gone so would be utterly pointless. She has PND so the way she's seeing things will understandably be with a negative bias so she shouldn't be making any life changing decisions that she'll come to regret down the line.

She has to focus on getting her PND treated, and using family support available. This whole situation is very challenging but it's only temporary. All.marriages go through tough times, if everyone bailed at every trouble, no one would stay married and all kids will be from broken homes. Divorce is HUGE despite this online forum treating it very flippantly. It's downright irresponsible to goad anyone to make big decisions just because we know we and our own families won't face the consequences ourselves.

@NeonDreams instead of shouting on a post, actually read the thread people are discussing and give constructive points to the OP...

@SarahDarah It's quite clear you haven't even read the thread, and are offering nothing constructive except to abuse the OP. The OP has no family help. If you'd even bother to read the OP's posts, you'd see that this is how the husband is, 100% of the time! He is always starting things. If you think one more year and the husband will be a changed man and an active husband and father again, you are delusional and clearly have not actually read any of the OP's posts at all! Next it will be Masters, or a Political degree, or who knows, maybe a Biological Science degree. Or a wacky business idea. Or a hobby.

Don't you get it? Read the OP's posts. This is a pattern that will not be solved after one year.

He will never change. He has checked out for good. You seem incredibly naive, and are missing the actual point.

[quote SarahDarah]@NeonDreams yet again, you clearly haven't read the thread 🙄 OP herself says this:

Yes his employer is funding it which is partially why I don’t think deferral will be an option.

Of course deferral would be the obvious option if he was funding it and exactly what he should be doing to help OP. However, employer is funding it. I don't understand why people can't read posts...[/quote]
🙄 And he can still choose to defer, whether his employer is funding or not, considering it is a vanity degree and not necessary for the job. Didn't you read that part? 🙄🙄

@AntiWorkBrigade

The husband is getting an awful lot of slack from some quarters for the course being condensed, but both he and op are dealing with a much bigger, much more important unplanned circumstance, and that is the second baby. Which inexplicably seems to be hers alone to deal with with no expectation that he alters his plans.

I’d be very surprised if the employer here didn’t support him deferring in the face of a major life event, so I don’t buy the fact that he must continue at all costs.

And as mentioned earlier, he certainly does not need to go for a first under these circumstances. That is the bit I would find unforgivable frankly.

I’d be very surprised if the employer here didn’t support him deferring in the face of a major life event, so I don’t buy the fact that he must continue at all costs.

Exactly! It isn't even required by the employer!

@SarahDarah and @SixesandEights your lack of empathy for the OP is astounding. I really hope the OP is just bypassing your trolling post. Your advice really amounts to suck it up buttercup, let your poor husband follow his dreams, don't expect him to fulfill any responsibilities and just take medication to cope with this. And yes @SixesandEights your posts are sneering. And @SarahDarah since he is not present in any real sense of the word the OP will not be 'smashing' her children's home to pieces if she asks her husband to leave; chances are the children will barely notice.

Don't know why you two have such sympathy with the husband when the OP is clearly struggling.

[quote BlueBellsArePretty]*****@SarahDarah and @SixesandEights your lack of empathy for the OP is astounding. I really hope the OP is just bypassing your trolling post. Your advice really amounts to suck it up buttercup, let your poor husband follow his dreams, don't expect him to fulfill any responsibilities and just take medication to cope with this. And yes @SixesandEights your posts are sneering. And @SarahDarah* since he is not present in any real sense of the word the OP will not be 'smashing' her children's home to pieces if she asks her husband to leave; chances are the children will barely notice.

Don't know why you two have such sympathy with the husband when the OP is clearly struggling.[/quote]
👍👍👍

Talk to him. Give it a chance. Perhaps this is what he needs, since he is so passionate

Would going it alone and managing to bring up 2 young children (and work)on your own long term, really be better than this short term situation? To me this is out of the frying pan territory.

He has painted himself into this corner and it's impacted everyone around him, you particularly. He sounds like a driven individual who doesn't do well with routine life. He needs to push himself all the time. Maybe consider this and its implications for you as a family long term? Family life is very much routinised and maybe it doesn't sort his personality? Maybe long term you are not suited.

Personally I would leave him to get on with this degree. Don't make him feel bad as it impacts both of you negatively. Equally tell him you no longer want to listen to his learning objectives etc. It bores you and he is getting what he wants from you by bouncing his ideas off you, but you get nothing in return. Fuck that particular one way street. Tell him you will tolerate this one more year, and it will never happen again and he had better buckle down to real life after he finishes. If you get the vibe it's going to continue beyond the year, look at ways out.

Why should the OP ask her mother to step in to co-parent her children? She has a husband for that! That’s his job, as much as, or more than, his paid employment. If he can’t do his job as a father he needs to let go of some of his other activities - e.g. his degree. It really is that simple.

I know you have said that you think your dh should have waited for your children to be older to do the degree, but really not sure that would have helped,

I did my masters when I had two young children. I actually found it easier because they went to bed early and I had ever evening from 7pm free and some time at the weekends too. DH also studied for his undergraduate degree at this time and I worked part time (3 days a week).

I then tried doing a second masters when my children were older, and actually found it much more challenging in terms of age / time. They stayed up later, had hobbies and birthday parties that needed one parent to take one child, whilst the other parent was needed to look after the other child etc... it was far more stressful, so I don't think that is your solution. I'm now doing my doctorate, but had to wait until my youngest became a teen until it was realistic. So not convinced waiting a few years will help.

However, what did help DH and I was having very clear times when we could study, clear expectations of housework and chores, so we knew what time we had to work / look after children / study, it made it easier to plan, to control our time and actually to meet all of our deadlines.

And you say the husband didn’t plan for a three year full time degree. Neither did the OP! She agreed to five years, part time. The goal posts have been moved on her too.

A similar situation was a major factor leading to my divorce. Ex DH was more invested in his courses (non-vocational - pure hobby) than me and DS, who was a baby back then and our second child following the death of our daughter. He told me recently that he looks back with regret on those days. I’m much happier now.