Husband’s studies are destroying our marriage

[Yelpforhelpp]

DH and I have been together for almost 10 years, married for 6 and have 2 DC aged almost 3 and 12 months. We met at uni so both have degrees and have subsequently had decent, fairly well paid careers ever since.

Over the years DH has had numerous harebrained ideas such as going back to uni to study politics and become an MP, he got as far as applying through clearing but then backed out when he was accepted. He has also paid for random courses on groupon which he’s never completed and often speaks about business ventures he’d like to undertake. None ever materialise so I think I can be forgiven for rolling my eyes and not always taking him seriously.

In 2019 he decided he wanted to return to uni to get a second degree relevant to his career. It wasn’t necessary at all, it won’t further his career prospects within the company as far as I can see. It was more him wanting to further his knowledge within the field. He decided this in July 2019, his boss amazingly agreed and by August 2019 he had been accepted. When he mentioned it to me I honestly just thought he’d back out of it like he did with everything else but to my surprise, he didn’t.

Ever since it began our marriage has taken a major tumble. When he first started we only had one baby and I’d just returned to work but fell pregnant unexpectedly about 2 months after he started uni. As the Christmas period approached that year he had exams and he was so stressed out, he stayed up all night for a week revising and survived on energy drinks. It really wasn’t a healthy way to live, not even as a young student but he was now obviously late 20s with a young child and a job to go to the next day. We were already struggling at this point but obviously lockdown happened and the rest of the academic year was cancelled.

I’d say the lockdown period last year is the last time we actually got on. We had DC2 July 2020 and we really got on fantastically well until he returned to uni in September. Once he returned and had assignments and exams, it basically all went to shit. Once again he was a frazzled mess, pulling all nighters, constantly stressed out and worrying, spending entire weekends locked away in his study, barely spending time with us. He has no work/life balance at all, if he isn’t at work he seems to be studying at home.

The past 3/4 months have been worse than ever because he’s had numerous exams and assignments due in at a similar time so he’s been pretty much unbearable. He’s used all of his annual leave on study days, we went away for a long weekend to the coast last week and I had to take DC out alone because he stayed behind to study. He rarely helps out with DC anymore, I bath and put both to bed while he sits studying. He had yesterday off work to study so literally sat from the minute he got up to the minute we went to bed on his laptop. I can barely get a word in edgeways because he’s constantly discussing uni. It isn’t my field and not something I have much interest in so I usually have no idea what he’s talking about. I think it’s made worse by the fact he doesn’t only want a second degree but wants to graduate with a first again so he’s adamant he has to do his absolute best on every assignment/exam.

I have PND which is only amplifying my resentment towards him. I’m having weekly counselling sessions and the counsellor has said I need more support from him with DC, a GP told me this too. We moved away from my family before DC1 was born so I rarely see them and I don’t have any friends here either, I’m quite isolated atm but return to work PT in September so hoping that will help. I can’t pin the PND solely on him but have been told women who are both isolated from family/friends and who don’t receive any support with their children are more at risk. I didn’t have PND after DC1 so I’m thinking it’s because he isn’t very supportive.

The absolute worst thing is when people make out he’s some kind of messiah because he manages to work, study and has two small children. FIL is forever saying how proud he is and asking him not to ‘burn himself out’ . He’s chosen to study, it really isn’t necessary at all and nobody has forced him to do this. He also doesn’t do very much with DC or housework so he spends the vast majority of his time studying, none of this would be possible without me constantly picking up the slack.

I’m honestly just fed up and I have told him I don’t see our marriage lasting over the next year. I can’t imagine how he’s going to be with his dissertation, I don’t think I’ll be able to cope. I’m on the verge of ending our marriage right now because I’m struggling to see past this. I know he only has a year left and if I’ve survived the past 2, I should be able to push myself through the next one but I honestly can’t see a way through right now.

Just seeking some general advice, is divorce the only option? I still love him dearly but I really can’t cope with this. I know a lot of women deal with their OH’s working away for months at a time but I wouldn’t be able to, it isn’t what I signed up for really. He could have done this degree when the DC were older and at school, I honestly have no idea why he chose to do it right now when they’re so small and need help with everything. I’m going to spend some time at my Mum’s next week to get a break away from him and clear my head a bit.

What are his plans for August? I would assume that with a wife suffering from PND and two young children to look after his plan, when finally present in life, will be to spend the ENTIRE month doing exactly what you do on a day to day basis to give you a break?

I’m not sure, he hasn’t told me. I’d hope he’s going to spend the month with us all and make the most of it but he’s used his annual leave up on study days so it will just be the weekends.

Hé sounds very selfish.

@GoldBar

I thinks it is harder, less acceptable for a mother to opt out of parenting.

I honestly can't imagine a woman saying to her husband, "I want to do a degree so you need to do everything for the kids, around the house, all the cleaning, all the cooking, get up with them in the night, pick-ups and drop-offs, everything. And I'm not even going to take them to the park on the weekend or do a single bathtime or go out as a family on holiday". It just wouldn't happen and, if it did, the woman would be slated as a terrible mother and wife.

This thread is another example of the double standards for mothers and fathers.

I agree. I don’t think I’d ever be able to do the same as he has. There’s no way I’d ever rest well at night knowing I wasn’t spending anywhere near enough time with my DC and had left all of their care to DH. It’s the fact he doesn’t even seem to enjoy family days out when he knows he has uni work to do, his studies take precedence over absolutely everything else.

I do wonder how much if any effort he put into trying to stay part time. My DD is on an even smaller STEM course than OP's DH and her university have moved heaven and earth to keep students on track. By the time they are getting into the second half of a degree course the university also has a vested interest in keeping students to the end. Even if that means offering flexibility.

@Yelpforhelpp

What are his plans for August? I would assume that with a wife suffering from PND and two young children to look after his plan, when finally present in life, will be to spend the ENTIRE month doing exactly what you do on a day to day basis to give you a break?

I’m not sure, he hasn’t told me. I’d hope he’s going to spend the month with us all and make the most of it but he’s used his annual leave up on study days so it will just be the weekends.

So there'll be approximately eight weekends days for you to have entirely to yourself (not days where he "looks after" the children for a few hours while doing no housework so that you have the pleasure of cooking, washing up, tidying and doing laundry when you get home, days where he does it ALL) and approximately twenty weekdays where he will do all early mornings with the children, all bath times, all bed times, all household chores etc. You can just keep the little ones alive 9-5.

Enjoy your time "off" to see friends and relax before you go back to work, OP. He's going to need the practice for September when he'll be doing half while studying again, isn't he?

I would have a plan a,b, c and see where he will step up and go with that one. So non negotiable would be a cleaner and online shop and xx number of CM extra hours each week. This is to help you in case he doesn't step up or slides. Then plan a, is split the hours in the day, each day over the week as others have said and have a plan for who does what, when. He will see then he can parent his kids and still study. If he won't then plan b, he studies at MIL, it will clear for all then how much time he is away studying and it will be because he doesn't want to parent as the main cleaning will be outsourced. Plan c, he moves in there to finish. And when FIL, boasts about him doing all and has kids (can understand he is a bit proud as his kids went to boarding), says speak up say he has kids but I parent them. I am supporting his study time. Good luck.

I've been through something similar, with a husband who was unavailable for years of early parenting due to his work choices, and it had an irreversible effect on my mental and physical health. The human body isn't designed to go for months at a time without a break. Yes, there are lots of women who have done it (because their husbands checked out or they lived in times when women's wellbeing was considered unimportant), but that doesn't make it right, and I think we see the effects in rates of female disability in the elder years.

If I had to do it again, I would make sure to have more help: childminders, a regular service (eg once every week or two) to help with the housekeeping, more access to my family so there would be people around who cared about me. (Also tbh, less time with his family, because constant surveillance and criticism from people who see you being used and worn out, and tell you that you should do even more thankless housework/childcare/lifeadmin so that your spouse (their son) can "take a break" is life-sucking.)

Good luck to you.

Oh OP! It sounds awful!
I was in a similar predicament. Fell pregnant with dd1 whilst at uni. I decided to leave but my DP, now DH, continued his studies while working full time and supporting us at home.
It was hard.
But my DH understood that we had a very young child so his studies came second to his family. So he would only ever sacrifice weekends to study when he had an exam or assignment due.
Unfortunately it meant he finished with a 2:1 (which is still an amazing achievement) when he was awarded student of the year two years previous and well on track for a very high first.

I think you really need to put your foot down. Tell him firm but calmly it's affecting your mental health and also your marriage. If he doesn't change you know you aren't his priority and unfortunately it's time to walk away.
He shouldn't be putting his studies before the health and well-being of his wife and family.

I do agree with others that your dh should reconsider his academic goals. He is not a care free undergrad anymore. He has responsibilities. I got a first in my undergrad, but when I did my masters I did just want to pass- that's all I needed and I accepted that I couldn't do it all to the best of my abilities. When I applied for my doctorate nobody asked (or cared) what I had achieved in my masters as long as I had passed. In my doctorate, we were mostly 'older' (30's) and several had families (all women!) and we had a mantra of being 'good enough', which the course directors re-iterated thankfully as it was a very very intense course.

Urgh this sounds awful. I have some sympathy (or at least DH would) as when my first was about 8 mo, just as I went back to work, I embarked on a PgDip, which I didn't need (already had a degree and a Masters), but thought it would be a good idea (in my defence I thought I wanted to do a PhD, this was the first year and fully funded and I was also very sleep deprived and making poor decisions). It was bloody awful and it wasn't even a full year. DH probably wanted to kill me- but- I didn't go for top marks and didn't do any of the electives. I took days off work for the assignments and just turned in whatever after 2 days of writing.

Anyway- many suggestions seem to be basically that you take on loads more of the mental load and manage him as well as everything else. I don't think that's a good long term solution. Why should you?

If it's got to the point where you're thinking of leaving, would he go to relationship counselling? As a last ditch attempt?

Your DH sounds very ambitious and driven, but he may also be motivated by low self esteen, need for approval, or fear of missing out. Regardless of the cause, these motivations can be very deep seated and I'd be very surprised if he changes any time soon. Some people need to have a burn out/heart attack before they slow down.

Being in a marriage with someone who is on a different path can be very difficult, because you will end up feeling lonely and resentful.

@C8H10N4O2

I think it's shitty that you've decided to go to your mum's just as he gets a break. Wasn't there any opportunity to go during term time - you say you feel isolated, and I think going to your mum's is a great idea, it gives both of you a break from the stress of trying to carry on in difficult circumstances, but your timing sucks

I think its shitty to accuse a woman who is also working and being two parents to their DC and juggling mental health issues of being selfish because for a few days she is accepting help from someone who will actually give it to her.

Her DH may just as well not be there because a partner who has unilaterally opted out of the family is often worse than none at all.

As for sneering at the OP for "settling" for a degree and a decent job. Well its a bloody good job she has or the kids would be parentless. As it is they have mr self indulgent focusing on his own varying wishes with sod all thought for the three other people he supposedly chose to share his life with.

This 100000000%

I do not know how you've survived this long-I'd have either divorced him or lost my mind. My father was a professional student in the early years when all four of us children were very young. Nothing about that does my mom think fondly of, just resentment and bitterness

I'm sure he'll promise the moon during your 'talk', but how likely is he to really follow through consistently?

You can make up all the charts and rotas you want but if he truly feels his studies take precedence, and it sounds like he does, they'll fall by the wayside the first time he feels he 'needs' to study for an exam or has a paper that 'must' be worked on. Will he be willing to swap with you to make up for his chores that you'll then take over? Will he give you 'free time' to make up for it? And will he actually follow through with any 'deal' you work out or will he continue to insist that any deal will have to 'wait for later'?

And please, do still go to your mum's no matter what your talk yields. You NEED it!

He won’t defer though so that’s off the table.

So your supporting him is also off the table - in future study time comes off sleeping time not family time. The best way to bang this home is for you to walk out the minute he gets back. Take some me time to go to the gym etc and come back when you are ready - he wants to play selfish - there is only one answer and if you don't take time for yourself you will be in hospital.

If divorced, His kids will only partly be at home with him so he'll have ample time to find a new woman who appreciates him and actually cares about what he talks about, while he reaps the reward of the uni degree, remarries and has a kid with new woman and has a happy intact family with a comfortable life...

What an utterly horrible and unhelpful comment you gleefully put up there SarahDarah Maybe if the OP divorces she might meet someone who appreciates her and cares about her needs.

It sounds like he is running away/hiding from the realities of adult life

they shipped him and SIL off to boarding school and didn’t have very much to do with them

Well now it's all clear. He has no idea how to parent, because he wasn't. He has no internal locus of control because it's all about external validation so his life is one long mid-life crisis car crash. He needs to keep moving because if he stops he will have to face the fact that he doesn't like himself very much because he wasn't properly loved as a child.

He has to tick boxes to get points with his friends and family. Unfortunately for you he ticked the 'family' box and now he need do nothing at all to maintain it. But he still needs firsts and high salary to tick those boxes.

I feel sorry for him honestly but he's dragging you down with him.

If divorced, His kids will only partly be at home with him so he'll have ample time to find a new woman who appreciates him and actually cares about what he talks about, while he reaps the reward of the uni degree, remarries and has a kid with new woman and has a happy intact family with a comfortable life

So he'll find another woman to carry him (and care for his children) and have another child who he can also ignore . What a good idea! No doubt he can feed her stories about his 'demanding and jealous' ex to dupe her into becoming the new household skivvy.

It stands out from your posts that your DH admires and tried to match his FIL professional achievements / income, and also those of his peers. He compares himself with them. I expect it matters to him how his own success looks to the outside world.

How would having a divorce fit with that picture? I expect that having a wife and family unit is also an important part of the picture to him? Part of his idea of success? If not then I can see you're fighting a losing battle. But if it does matter to him, then he needs to properly consider the cost of his professional / education efforts. He may end up with the impressive salary but without the wife.

At the same time, he admits his own father was not a good one. So he had a father who was apparently remote but high earning. Has it occurred to him that he's repeating the past? Does he want that to be his DC's view of him?

@GnomeDePlume

I do wonder how much if any effort he put into trying to stay part time. My DD is on an even smaller STEM course than OP's DH and her university have moved heaven and earth to keep students on track. By the time they are getting into the second half of a degree course the university also has a vested interest in keeping students to the end. Even if that means offering flexibility.

I agree. I simply don't believe that there was no discussion around this by the university. Its far more likely that DH chose not to include the OP in that discussion.

Its also simply not true that his employer wouldn't fund a degree which wasn't going to benefit his career. Employers, especially in STEM, fund additional qualifications for all sorts of reasons one of which is retention of staff without having to hike salaries.

In most areas of engineering a second undergrad degree won't improve long term career prospects unless its counterpoint degree eg law/business or something highly specialist that the company can sell out on premium consulting rates (won't necessarily translated into career progression, may just be higher day rate).

And as for comments like this one: You are really dismissive of his career, his passion and interest in it.

This is a DH who is utterly self centred, can't stick to anything, can't manage time and can't even look after himself let alone the DC he wanted because his overriding interest is competing with Daddy. When does he listen to the OP rather than fiddling with this phone and ignoring what she says?
I despair that in this scenario, on a women's forum so many posters advise the OP that she is the problem for not just sucking it up and centering the whims of the godalmighty husband and that even her working parents should pick up his slack! Not even his parents but hers!

The man is an eternal student locked in a competition with Daddy. This isn't going to change. The OP can get all the cleaning help in the world but fundamentally he has shown her repeatedly in recent years that his priority is the competition and not her or their children. That is the factor which would make me reevaluate the marriage - the fact that the DC and I were coming second to the daddy competition and his inability and refusal to do basic parenting.

I've worked with so many men like this over the years - public school boarders, locked in competitions with their financially successful fathers, their school peers. The leave a trail of failed marriages behind them because fundamentally there is no place in their lives to be an active part of a marriage or family.

How did your talk go?

I think you need to separate and divorce. He's made it 'crystal clear' he won't defer to save his marriage. He is choosing getting a first, over his own wife and children. You need to tell him he is turning into a bad father like his father.

If I were you and he told me he wouldn't defer (that would be the one mandatory thing I would insist on, in your situation), I would say "in that case, we have nothing left to discuss. You have made it clear you choose this study over your own wife and the mother of your children. I want you to go to your MILs. I'll send you the divorce papers."

That is honestly what my response will be. In that case, we have nothing left to discuss. Please go to MILs and I'll send you the divorce papers when I've filed.

That's all you have to say. And lets be honest, his personality won't change. After he has finished this, it will be something else. Whether a Masters, another degree entirely such as Politics, or a hobby. There WILL be something else. He will never be the husband and father you need him to be.

Hard to say without knowing him if he is just a pretentious narcissist who is doing all this for praise and to be thought highly of by others in his workplace ect...and so, doesn't give a stuff about you. Or if he is genuinely so caught up in a pursuit for knowledge that he...doesn't think to give a stuff about you. I suppose that either way, the outcome is the same.

Personally, I think I'd be off. This man is not cut out for family life. He does as he pleases, when he pleases. Like a bachelor. So let him be one.