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Original poster

To feel he tricked me about having children.

161 replies

user8901234 · 28/07/2021 13:38

I've been with DP for 2 years, I have a DC from a previous relationship and he has two DC. When we first got together I was always very clear about wanting at least one more DC. At first he was quite vague about having another or not, saying it was a 'possibility' and he'd 'consider it.'

After we'd been together 6 months, shared I love you's, been on holiday, he suggested our children meeting. I told him I would only consider it if he was 100% committed to having another child in the future. My DC had already met one of my ex-partners, and I didn't want that to happen again. He said he was 100% on board, madly in love, wanted a future with me. I felt the same about him...

Fast forward to now, I mentioned the possibility of starting trying for a baby (we are living together and I am late 30's), and he has now said he is unsure, he thinks it will negatively impact his existing children and in hindsight doesn't think he wants another.

I feel tricked and deceived. I was very clear from the start about more DC. Not sure what I am hoping to gain from this just wanted to rant Angry. I'm really upset for my DC, who has been introduced to another 'partner'.

OP posts:
ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 28/07/2021 13:45

I think you're gonna win this one by default aren't you? The one who doesn't want a child is the one who takes full responsibility for contraception. If they don't, well, you wanted a child anyway so why would you use contraception.

But yes, I don't blame you for being upset. What are your thoughts on marriage?

Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear · 28/07/2021 13:47

That sucks and I am sorry. Perhaps by meeting your DC he realised you weren't compatible as parents? I have a friend who if I hadn't seen how he parents i might have thought a promising partner and future parent of joint dc but no way would I consider it after seeing how he parents. He isn't a bad parent, we are just way too different in our styles.

Pogacar · 28/07/2021 13:49

@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe what does that even mean? Are you suggesting the OP will lie about her contraception to trap a man into having another baby? It doesn’t sound like that is what she’s saying at all.

OP, you should just walk away. He’ll either realise he does want you enough to have another baby or he’ll realise he is relieved and never wanted one at all. Either way it’s better you know and move on.

Orf1abc · 28/07/2021 13:49

People are allowed to change their mind. Sometimes women change their minds too.

you wanted a child anyway so why would you use contraception

Please don't bring a child into what will inevitably be an unhappy relationship.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 28/07/2021 13:50

Maybe he changed his mind?
Is it really a deal breaker for your life?

thecognoscenti · 28/07/2021 13:51

Isn't he allowed to change his mind?

SixesAndEights · 28/07/2021 13:52

He never wanted one from the outset, hence his vagueness.

What are you going to do?

Mintjulia · 28/07/2021 13:54

He's allowed to change his mind but equally you're allowed to ask him to move out. Is he living in your house?

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/07/2021 13:54

6 months was way too soon for either of you to commit to having a child together. Doing so before you’d spent a decent amount of time watching each other parent their existing children was madness. You introduce someone to your kids when you and they are ready, when you feel it’s getting serious, you don’t do it on condition they’ll have a baby with you.

He was wrong to make a commitment at that stage but he’s not wrong for changing his mind. I can see why you’re upset but the expectation/condition was really unreasonable and unrealistic in the first place.

It sounds like your commitment was to much children, not to him. You can’t be any surer he tricked you than that he simply changed his mind. He hadn’t lived with your DC before he agreed and now he has.

You've already got 3 between you. Do you have space for 4 DC in your home? How big are the age gaps?

If you feel the terms have changed then you should end it and tell him to move out. But your anger is misplaced in my opinion.

breakfasty · 28/07/2021 13:55

Sounds like he did want one but has now changed his mind. That seems fair enough, it takes a while for your familys to get to know each other. Better to know this now.

breakfasty · 28/07/2021 13:56

And don't feel you have to stay with him

Snookie00 · 28/07/2021 13:56

Perhaps the blending of households has made him realise that it’s not a good idea to add another child to the mix.

Regardless of his reasons, you need to decide what you want to do now. If you’re late 30s then your chances of unpicking this relationship and finding a new man to have a child with are slim - especially as you are rightly cautious about taking things slowly with regard to introducing them to your kids.

Sadly for you, it looks like another dc will probably not happen. Only you can decide whether this is a dealbreaker for your current relationship.

Conkergame · 28/07/2021 13:59

OP when I met my husband and when we got engaged I wanted DC. I have since changed my mind. Thankfully my DH loves me for me and doesn’t think I “tricked” him into anything. It’s too big a decision to make if one person is 100% up for it. I get that it’s disappointing for you but honestly you have 4 children between you; that’s plenty! Have a read on here about some of the issues in blended families and I think you’ll see DP is the one with the right idea!

SoddingWeddings · 28/07/2021 13:59

Hmm, being open to the possibility of kids in future in meeting, living through that interim period and deciding on what is best for you and your children with the benefit of 2yrs experience doesn't sound like deception to me. It sound like someone who has considered the options and it isn't the decision you want.

Demanding someone get you pregnant in future before even meeting each others children at 6mths into a relationship or living together, however, sounds batshit to me and I'm surprised he put up with that so early into it.

You can't hold someone hostage to get pregnant.

Noterook · 28/07/2021 14:00

Only he knows, but I don't think it's out of the question that he was being sincere when he said that, and has now changed his mind for whatever reason. He's been open and honest now, it's up to you if it's a deal breaker or not.

Indoctro · 28/07/2021 14:01

People change their mind. I was adamant I wanted more kids and now I can't think of anything worse

As a family You have 3 kids that's quiet a lot so you really need to add more people to this world.?

FreeBritnee · 28/07/2021 14:05

The OP only had one biological child and wanted another. I can understand that but can also accept that the DP has changed his mind. So you either accept his decision, try and have a faux accident or leave. Those are the choices.

breakfasty · 28/07/2021 14:06

try and have a faux accident this is terrible advice. Don't have a child with someone who doesn't want one.

Lorw · 28/07/2021 14:16

He has a right to change his mind but you also have the right to change your mind about the relationship and splitting 🤷🏻‍♀️ It’s a dealbreaker so don’t flog a dead horse by continuing the relationship and blending as it will only cause resentment down the line.

BigFatLiar · 28/07/2021 14:17

May be unfair to say that he tricked you as people do change their mind. Maybe he has been thinking about it and decided its not what he wants, in which case it may be time for you to move on if you want another child.

Jocasta2018 · 28/07/2021 14:17

You've been together 2 years & are now living together. Your children have known each other for 18 months.
Your DP will have been seeing how his DC are reacting to the whole situation - meeting you, your DC, their father moving in with you - and he now has doubts on how they are handling all this.
So he is deciding quite rightly to put his existing children first, to not bring a half-sibling into their lives.
Unfortunately, it clashes with your desires to have another child & honestly there is no easy way forward.
I don't think he's strung you along - he's changed his mind based on how life currently is for his children.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 28/07/2021 14:22

He has a right to change his mind.

If you want another child then resign yourself to the fact it won’t be with him.

If another child is important to you, you will have to move on.

Better that he was honest than me seething with resentment.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 28/07/2021 14:22

Be (not me)

sleepyhoglet · 28/07/2021 14:26

I think he is sensible to be honest. I also don't think he tricked you, he is just being honest and has changed his mind.

AlfonsoTheMango · 28/07/2021 14:27

Adding my voice to those saying he has every right to change his mind.

And for God's sake, don't have a "faux accident". That is the worst thing you could do: it's dishonest, immoral and unfair to your partner and the child.