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Original poster

To feel he tricked me about having children.

161 replies

user8901234 · 28/07/2021 13:38

I've been with DP for 2 years, I have a DC from a previous relationship and he has two DC. When we first got together I was always very clear about wanting at least one more DC. At first he was quite vague about having another or not, saying it was a 'possibility' and he'd 'consider it.'

After we'd been together 6 months, shared I love you's, been on holiday, he suggested our children meeting. I told him I would only consider it if he was 100% committed to having another child in the future. My DC had already met one of my ex-partners, and I didn't want that to happen again. He said he was 100% on board, madly in love, wanted a future with me. I felt the same about him...

Fast forward to now, I mentioned the possibility of starting trying for a baby (we are living together and I am late 30's), and he has now said he is unsure, he thinks it will negatively impact his existing children and in hindsight doesn't think he wants another.

I feel tricked and deceived. I was very clear from the start about more DC. Not sure what I am hoping to gain from this just wanted to rant Angry. I'm really upset for my DC, who has been introduced to another 'partner'.

OP posts:
BigFatLiar · 30/07/2021 08:32

At six months into a new relationship he may well have been keen, two years on reality has struck home for him. How many here have changed their mind about their relationship after the six month mark?

I am in love with this man. More than I have loved a man before. I love his DC, our life together, our family

Are you? Or are you perhaps more in love with the image of a loving family with lots of happy children?

DH would have loved to have a son but we have twin girls, both real daddies girls. No son, no other children, a medical issue (mine). I did at the time tell him I'd understand if a son was that important but he was a bit upset I'd even say it. We've made a good life together with the girls we have.

You need to be sure of what you want. Is a baby (toddler, school, teenager etc) more important than the relationship? Hopefully he hasn't burnt his bridges as far his home is concerned and he can take his children and return to his old life when this falls apart.

drpet49 · 30/07/2021 08:34

* Hmm, being open to the possibility of kids in future in meeting, living through that interim period and deciding on what is best for you and your children with the benefit of 2yrs experience doesn't sound like deception to me. It sound like someone who has considered the options and it isn't the decision you want.*

^This. This guy sounds very sensible.

WaterBottle123 · 30/07/2021 08:36

OP I think he's being very sensible. Blended families are tough and already have 3 DC to try and support through the process and meet all
Their needs. Adding another child is unlikely to benefit them and will make the dynamics more confusing.

Can you be happy with the 3 you have between you? Otherwise I'd find a man without kids in your shoes.

Savoretti · 30/07/2021 08:40

Your love for him is conditional.
If you tried but didn’t get pregnant presumably you would leave him then. That’s not true love
You also say you love his kids as your own. But three children is not enough?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 30/07/2021 08:43

@Savoretti

Your love for him is conditional. If you tried but didn’t get pregnant presumably you would leave him then. That’s not true love You also say you love his kids as your own. But three children is not enough?
If the existing children aren’t enough, there’s no saying one more would be.

Perhaps he has realised the relationship is conditional and doesn’t want to conform to that.

Persephonesgrove · 30/07/2021 09:15

I do think that if this is a non negotiable for op, she should leave. I would support her in that. Because to stay would only causes resentment on one side.

Hers, if they don't have a baby. His, if they do.

However, let's say he changed his mind. Genuinely, changed his mind. Really wanted another baby. Op gets pregnant next week. Op has no clue wether in a couple of years time, she will feel this way about having another.

Op could have a baby with him. And still be seething in resentment that he doesn't want a family with 5 kids in it.

You see it, fairly often on these boards. Women who had 'one last baby' but is longing for another, but will definitely be done after the next one. Their partner doesn't want 'the next one' and the Op can't actually know wether they will feel 'done' after that baby.

So you could end up with 2 parents who are still unhappy at the situation.

Aprilx · 30/07/2021 09:21

[quote user8901234]@IceCreamAndCandyfloss On the flip side, surely if he really loved me he would want to, and be prepared to compromise on, having another child. I made it totally clear what my dealbreakers were only months into the relationship. I am in love with this man. More than I have loved a man before. I love his DC, our life together, our family. But that doesn't stop me from wanting another pregnancy, birth, bringing up baby, toddler stage, giving my DC a biological sibling.

I am 36. So I do have some time to find someone else etc. I do believe that he's not 'the one', if I have to compromise so greatly. Equally I'm not 'the one' for him, if he has to be cajoled into having a baby. I just wish he'd been clearer at 6 months, or one year, or 18 months... rather than just waiting for me to bring it up again so he could say he doesn't want another. I think deep, deep down he never truly wanted another and just said what I wanted to hear to keep me with him to be honest.[/quote]
I cannot believe you just said that! Having a child cannot ever be part of a compromise deal. That is a human being, you cannot make deals over another life. What do you say in the future, “oh we had you as a compromise”? Obviously you don’t have to say it, but this is how you are suggesting this person comes into the world, as a compromise for their father being with you.

Do him a favour, split up and let him find someone who wants him for him.

Snookie00 · 30/07/2021 09:58

I do feel for the OP though as I know the longing to have another child can be strong. I had a 2nd child with my ex even though I knew he was a twat because I’d always wanted two kids. OP doesn’t have this option and it must hurt especially as there was a glimmer of hope when he said he’d be open to the idea. On paper it’s a bad idea to bring another child into a blended family but the biological longing can make reason fly out the window.

FeatheredHope · 30/07/2021 10:15

surely if he really loved me he would want to, and be prepared to compromise on, having another child

Flip that around. Surely if you loved him, you would be able to compromise on being happy with the children you both already have.

Dozer · 30/07/2021 10:20

Perhaps he did deceive you: if so that was wrong. If you truly think he did then it’s understandable to consider walking away.

Perhaps, though. his thoughts and feelings have changed, which is not at all U.

Would having DC3 be in YOUR existing DCs’ best interests, anyway? Seems doubtful.

Dozer · 30/07/2021 10:20

Your behaviour also sounds unreasonable, eg the ‘if you loved me’ stuff.

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