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Original poster

To feel he tricked me about having children.

161 replies

user8901234 · 28/07/2021 13:38

I've been with DP for 2 years, I have a DC from a previous relationship and he has two DC. When we first got together I was always very clear about wanting at least one more DC. At first he was quite vague about having another or not, saying it was a 'possibility' and he'd 'consider it.'

After we'd been together 6 months, shared I love you's, been on holiday, he suggested our children meeting. I told him I would only consider it if he was 100% committed to having another child in the future. My DC had already met one of my ex-partners, and I didn't want that to happen again. He said he was 100% on board, madly in love, wanted a future with me. I felt the same about him...

Fast forward to now, I mentioned the possibility of starting trying for a baby (we are living together and I am late 30's), and he has now said he is unsure, he thinks it will negatively impact his existing children and in hindsight doesn't think he wants another.

I feel tricked and deceived. I was very clear from the start about more DC. Not sure what I am hoping to gain from this just wanted to rant Angry. I'm really upset for my DC, who has been introduced to another 'partner'.

OP posts:
FittedSheet · 28/07/2021 14:29

OP, no one in their right mind should ask someone they’ve only been in a relationship with for six months to commit to having a child together in future.

pineapplecat21 · 28/07/2021 14:32

He's just being honest, people are allowed to change their minds.
He didn't trick you. I wanted 3, but we changed our minds and stopped at 2. I think he's being sensible you already have 3 children between you, and with global warming etc the way its currently going I don't think bringing another child into this world is a good idea either.

Monday26July · 28/07/2021 14:36

@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe

That’s the most bizarre, nonsensical, incongruous and shitty comment I’ve seen on MN today, what the actual fuck?

People change their minds all the time OP. Whether he did it deceitfully or it’s a change of heart you’ll never know. It doesn’t really bear thing about as you won’t get an answer. What matters is whether you would like to remain with him knowing it means the possibility of another child is gone.

ShirleyDab · 28/07/2021 14:37

So when he changed his mind he had an obligation to tell, op straight away.
Not string her along until she asked him.
He sounds very sly and sneaky op.

godmum56 · 28/07/2021 14:38

@SheldonesqueTheBstard

He has a right to change his mind.

If you want another child then resign yourself to the fact it won’t be with him.

If another child is important to you, you will have to move on.

Better that he was honest than me seething with resentment.

this, sad but true. I don't think he was trying to trick you....I think the 100% committment to another child before you allowed the kids to meet was BU on your part. Sorry but life changes and you just can't expect stuff to stay the same.
SilverRoe · 28/07/2021 14:39

I think blending families with existing kids is hard enough without then adding more kids into the mix. I don’t get why you are writing ‘partner’ like that as of he’s not a valid partner. You’ve moved in together, already blended your families, so why would he now be less of a partner because he’s changed his mind about having more kids.

How is your current blended family situation? All good in that front? Because it’s already a boy step to have moved in and now your looking for more kids? I think there is more to this, and it’s quite possible your partner has realised adding more children is nota wise idea. Maybe you should be looking at that rather than jumping immediately into claiming you’ve been ‘tricked’.

Maggiesfarm · 28/07/2021 14:39

@CloseYourEyesAndSee

Maybe he changed his mind? Is it really a deal breaker for your life?
Yes. People can and do change their minds. Having a child is a big thing.

You have a child, he has two; if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

As the children are getting older, you could have a really good, full life as long as the two of you are committed to each other. Count your blessings.

I am sorry it has upset you though. Life is full of disappointments but better things are ahead.

imamearcat · 28/07/2021 14:41

Haven't you got enough kids between you?

bigbaggyeyes · 28/07/2021 14:46

I wouldn't necessarily think he'd 'tricked' you, people are allowed to change their minds, and, as he said, he now knows the dynamics of having a step child and his own dc which might be part of the reason he's changed his mind. I'm afraid one persons desire for a child doesn't trump someone's desire not to have a child. You just need to decide what's more important to you. Having another child or staying with your dp.

Millymog · 28/07/2021 14:55

he might have come to a similar type of conclusion that you only wanted to be with him if he was a baby making machine (i.e. you were not too fussed about him as a person).

You mention you are late 30s which I am sure he would have been very aware of.

what does he get out of the relationship? are you super good with his exisiting children?

sounds like there is an element of the mercenary on both sides here

Calmdown14 · 28/07/2021 14:55

I don't think this one is black and white given you already both have children.
It seems very quick given the extra complexities of your situation.
Do his kids live with you all or are they there part of the time?
Perhaps he feels that they are already a bit pushed out as non-resident and that a joint child with move them further down the pecking order, in their minds at least.
You need to talk about this calmly and not as a 'you tricked me' because hypotheticals and reality can't always match

Aprilx · 28/07/2021 14:55

I don’t think he tricked you, I think he was never very sure and when it came to the crunch came down on the side of three is enough and no more children. I find it odd that you made him promise / commit to having a child after six months together as a pre requisite for meeting your own child, but nevertheless he can’t be held to it.

Zilla1 · 28/07/2021 14:59

Only you can judge and he know whether he changed his mind or never had an intention. Only you can decide if this is a deal breaker, either because you still want a second DC and/or because you will resent him for changing his mind.

Good luck,

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 28/07/2021 15:03

Getting him to commit to having a child after 6 months is ridiculous.
I don't think he necessarily tricked you, but he's certainly entitled to change his mind after that kind of pressure.
Having a faux accident is shocking advice, decide to be a three child family or end it.
Don't make the same demands next time though.

WallaceinAnderland · 28/07/2021 15:06

After we'd been together 6 months, shared I love you's, been on holiday, he suggested our children meeting. I told him I would only consider it if he was 100% committed to having another child in the future

This is ridiculous. 6 months is nothing at all. He could have met your children just as a friend of yours. You sound very controlling.

Eviebeans · 28/07/2021 15:14

If he actually said it was a 'possibility' and he'd 'consider it.' at the very beginning (when people are usually at their most keen and on partner pleasing best behaviour) then he was never going to get any keener imo. So now it's decision time.

EsoNoSeHace · 28/07/2021 15:19

It certainly sounds from your last paragraph as though you have decided to end it. I admire your certainty. Good luck getting what you want!

Millymog · 28/07/2021 15:22

if you take the whole "have a child" out of this story, would you also think he had "tricked" you if your relationship just broke down and you separated (no one particularly to blame) after you had introduced your children to him.
The whole "introduced your children" to him is obviously super important step to you but it would be ridiculous to assume he felt the same way about the emotional well being of your own children at the time you decided to introduce your kids to him. It was a new relationship. The "risk" of introducing your children was on you not on him in the same way

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 28/07/2021 15:27

Sorry OP but I agree he may have just changed his mind rather than deliberately deceived you.

What will you do now? If you are going to leave him and start over, would you consider freezing your eggs? That will give you a bit more breathing room rather than rushing into things with someone unsuitable out of hearing the ticking of your biological clock.

MayorGoodwaysChicken · 28/07/2021 15:29

He couldn’t possibly commit to having a baby with you before he had even met your existing child. If they hadn’t got on then of course that would have put paid to settling down and having another baby. I think your intentions are good I.e. not wanting your child to meet a string of boyfriends, but without introducing them you can’t get to a place where you can both really commit to a future or another baby. Whether the bloke deceived you or just genuinely changed his mind is a bit irrelevant really-he’s told you where he stands now so you have to decide where you go from here.

Is he living in your house or you his?

europeanson · 28/07/2021 15:29

Okay so he's changed his mind and you have every right to feel aggrieved and to consider wether you want to pursue a relationship with him, but to suggest as it has been done within this thread that contraception could be discontinued without his knowledge is to take this into the same area as so called stealthing because what we are talking about is consent or it's lack of, its appalling and hypocritical to suggest such a thing or maybe in some contributors mind only wrongs done by men count.

DoLallyTapMum · 28/07/2021 15:54

I can understand why you feel tricked and deceived (whether that is the reality or not). I suppose you have to decide now whether you want to stay with him or not, you could always go it alone through a sperm donor if you really want another child, but I do completely understand why you wanted a child with him and feel upset and tricked that he has (almost) timed you out of your fertile years.

Viviennemary · 28/07/2021 16:01

He probably thought at first he wasn't keen but agreed as it was some time in the future. Now you are saying when he has realised it isn't at all what he wants. He should have been honest from the start but it doedn't sound like he set out to deliberately trick you.

CallMeNutribullet · 28/07/2021 16:06

He sounds sensible to me. 3 kids between you so considering the impact on his existing children is what a decent father would do.

CornishGem1975 · 28/07/2021 16:22

People change their minds, it's not tricking anyone. Me and my DP said we didn't want any more kids, a year down the line we decided we did.