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Original poster

To feel he tricked me about having children.

161 replies

user8901234 · 28/07/2021 13:38

I've been with DP for 2 years, I have a DC from a previous relationship and he has two DC. When we first got together I was always very clear about wanting at least one more DC. At first he was quite vague about having another or not, saying it was a 'possibility' and he'd 'consider it.'

After we'd been together 6 months, shared I love you's, been on holiday, he suggested our children meeting. I told him I would only consider it if he was 100% committed to having another child in the future. My DC had already met one of my ex-partners, and I didn't want that to happen again. He said he was 100% on board, madly in love, wanted a future with me. I felt the same about him...

Fast forward to now, I mentioned the possibility of starting trying for a baby (we are living together and I am late 30's), and he has now said he is unsure, he thinks it will negatively impact his existing children and in hindsight doesn't think he wants another.

I feel tricked and deceived. I was very clear from the start about more DC. Not sure what I am hoping to gain from this just wanted to rant . I'm really upset for my DC, who has been introduced to another 'partner'.

OP posts:

2bazookas · 28/07/2021 16:45

Now that he's lived with you and all the children for quite a while, he knows he doesn't want to expand the family. That is a perfectly reasonable POV based on experience .

he suggested our children meeting. I told him I would only consider it if he was 100% committed to having another child in the future

Your ultimatum to a man you hadn't lived with, who hadn't even met your kid, was ridiculous. There was no way either of you knew how such a green relationship would develop .

Now that he's lived with you and all the children for quite a while, he knows he doesn't want to expand the family. That is a perfectly reasonable and realistic POV based on experience . Maybe he isn't even sure he intends to spend the rest of his life with someone who accuses him of tricking and deceiving him.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 28/07/2021 17:38

I don’t think he has strung you along either. There are already three existing children and he had no way of knowing what life would be like as a blended family or the dynamics of adding another.
If you only wanted him for a child, then let him go so he can find someone who wants him for who he is not what he provides.

sleepyhoglet · 28/07/2021 17:47

Anyway, he has said he is Unsure- that's not the same as definitely not!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/07/2021 18:45

he suggested our children meeting. I told him I would only consider it if he was 100% committed to having another child in the future

But he may well have genuinely thought that he would want that in future with you at the time and he may well want to have a child with someone else in the future. You can only go by the facts - that he doesn't want a child with you. Which is awful and hurts I know but is the reality.

It was a silly ultimatum to give at six months in because it was all based on a hypothetical future. You could have just introduced him as a friend for a lot longer than that.

It's awful, I know it is, when you feel that sunk cost fallacy but it's better to know now than to bring a child into the relationship knowing now that he's not all in when it comes to being a parent with you.

Assuming he deceived you etc indicates to me this isn't exactly a healthy relationship to start with, as I would be heartbroken and devastated if my partner said the same but I wouldn't assume he had said it to trick me or deceive me into a relationship, because he's not an arsehole. He's not cruel. Unless yours has form for this it seems like a leap to think so badly of him?

People are allowed to change their minds. It hurts but if we weren't allowed to do that we would be compelled to stay in situations that weren't best for us.

And I really, really hope the poster upthread who suggested a 'faux accident' as an option was joking.

Chikapu · 28/07/2021 19:00

try and have a faux accident

What an utterly repulsive thing to say.

Buffyfan26 · 28/07/2021 19:07

I don’t think he tricked you - it’s better for him to be upfront and say he doesn’t want another children rather than just going along with it

Theunamedcat · 28/07/2021 19:17

My ex husband showed me paperwork proving he was infertile he was apparently trying for a baby with his ex wife and it never happened so when we made a mistake I wasn't too concerned because he was infertile lo and behold i got pregnant thought it was a one in a million thing so I kept the baby as I thought it was his only chance of a child marriage from hell and divorce later turns out he lied she was using contraception because she didn't want a child and he did they split up over it the reason that the infertility story spread was his parents really wanted grandchildren so he made up a story about being infertile and she went along with it the lies seemed so genuine reality was he got me pregnant and trapped me on purpose

Its unforgivable

Do not do this

Maggiesfarm · 28/07/2021 19:22

@Chikapu

try and have a faux accident

What an utterly repulsive thing to say.

Dreadful suggestion. Totally unethical and it could backfire.

Op if you are happy together and committed to having a future, be glad and don't rock the boat.

watingroom2 · 28/07/2021 19:48

I think 'unsure' does not mean 'no'

I think saying 'i want to get pregnant so am not taking contraception - is fine - as long as you are up front - because he can 'withhold' or use condoms (unacceptable for you to refuse letting him use condoms if he wants to ) .. I don't see this as 'trapping someone' .. as - both of you have choices and are not lying..

If he really doesn't want children and you do - then leave him.

Starlight39 · 28/07/2021 20:00

YANBU at all, it does sound like if he's truly thought it through (when you were giving your very very clear opinions on it), he would have realised he didn't want another. However he decided to go "oh yes, another child sounds totally doable" just to get/keep things going.

But I'd also say I understand his reasons with 3 kids between you already. I was in your position with one child and definitely wanting another and did the same as you in terms of being very clear with potential partners about it. I pretty much ended up swerving men who already had 2+ kids as I felt their energies were already (and if not should be!) directed elsewhere.

Just10moreminutesplease · 28/07/2021 20:04

I actually think he is being sensible. Adding a shared baby to a blended family can be really tough on all the children (including the shared dc).

Maybe he’s given it more thought and decided to prioritise the children he already has over a hypothetical future child?

Of course it’s not ok if he purposely lied to you... But he has the right to change his mind.

LolaSmiles · 28/07/2021 20:07

It sounds like he was unsure and open to the idea but has then changed his mind.
Blending families is difficult and existing children easily feel pushed out when their parent decides to have a new baby with their new partner. He's decide that he doesn't want another child and that's OK.

I'm amazed he stayed around after a girlfriend of 6 months expected him to be 100% on board with another child before meeting each other's children. It sounds like someone who's priority is another baby rather than someone wanting to build a relationship and decide on a child if and when the adults see how compatible they are.

Fullofglee · 28/07/2021 20:13

Tbh 2 years is nothing I think he's very sensible to put his 2 existing children before a potential child, the fact you also have a child aswell makes the household full with 3, maybe he feels adding another 4th child will be stretch financially and spreading himself between the dc. Is their adequate funds to have another child, adequate space in the house will his dc be able to continue to do existing activities.

urbanbuddha · 28/07/2021 20:13

He has tricked you or deceived you. He's changed his mind. He has to consider his DC.

Feelingit70 · 28/07/2021 20:27

He's allowed to change his mind.. Nothing is set in stone. But you also have the right to have what you set out. In all honesty, you come across as very pressurising. Perhaps if you take a step back and allow him to think about it properly he may change his views.

NakedAttraction · 28/07/2021 20:31

I don’t know why either of you would commit to having another child before seeing if your current children even got on. He’s probably realised throwing a fourth child into the already chaotic mix will be a mistake.

Christmasfairy2020 · 28/07/2021 20:39

@Theunamedcat how awful. What is he like now parenting his child is he a good dad. Are the ex inlaws as involved given they was so desperate for a child

Katedanielshasakitty · 28/07/2021 20:42

Have several people really suggested getting pregnant anyway?

How does that help? He will know it wasn't an accident. The relationship will fall part, probably in a very messy way. Op is upset her kid has met another partner, where the relationship has failed.

How is that helping her child?

Its an utterly repulsive thing to do. Op wanting another baby doesn't trump everyone else's wants.

Op, if its a dela breaker you need to walk away. But no one can tell you 6 months in wether a relationship will definitely work or not. Or wether they will want more children in a few years or not.

I don't think he lied. I think he always wasn't sure, then he did want that but now changed his mind. It's really really shit for you though, either way

Fireflygal · 28/07/2021 20:48

It generally takes 2 years to really know someone and allow for the honeymoon period to subside. I genuinely don't think he has tricked you. It is sad when there is a mismatch between couples on children but you can't blame him for his feelings.

His children are now older and that also makes a difference as the baby stage is less appealing once you have passed that stage.

Lbnc2021 · 28/07/2021 21:03

You made him promise to commit to having a child with you before you’d even introduced your existing children? That’s barking.

FawnFrenchieMum · 28/07/2021 21:40

Like the others have said, he has most likely changed him mind rather then tricked you however I totally get where your coming from. When I met DH he already had two children, I had none. A few months into the relationship I discussed him wanting more children as it would have been a game changer for me. If we had got to the point of living together and me meeting his children, having them every weekend etc and then he changed his mind, I would have been devastated. I don’t think it was too soon to have the conversation.

jimmyjammy001 · 28/07/2021 21:46

Unfortunately your not the first and will not be the last to be duped in this situation, both allready have children allready, one wants another and the other does not so just goes along with it and delays the conversation as long as possible and waits til you are emotionally involved a couple years down the line and you are unlikely to split up over it as the other person knows time isn't on your side but they get to be in a relationship and have it their way, I genuinely find this really only happens in relationships where either one has children allready, I've never seen it happen in a relationship where neither couple have got children allready

Recessed · 28/07/2021 21:50

Quite refreshing to hear of a man who puts his existing children before any other hypothetical children with another woman. That's quite rare IME. I quite admire that, blended families/half siblings are rarely great for the existing children. He should of told you and I can understand your upset but perhaps he really wasn't sure? He sounds sensible though. If you think it was intentional deceit then obviously leave him but if it was a case of changing his mind then it's just one of those things. If you love him it should be salvageable. It's too late for more babies with someone else anyway.

Sakurami · 28/07/2021 21:57

Oh come on op, he never sounded keen did he? I think he started off in the probably not and is now definitely not.

Also, you are getting more kids aren't you? His kids? I think if you don't consider them your kids too then it is better if you dont blend families.

If you're otherwise happy then I think it would be a shame to break this relationship because finding someone new, letting him get to know your kids and him wanting kids etc will be quite late on.

ToughLoveLDN · 28/07/2021 21:58

I think you should just get a sperm donor if you want another baby that bad.

He’s allowed to change his mind and it seems rightly so

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