Page 4 | To feel he tricked me about having children.

user8901234 · 2021-07-28T12:38:04+00:00

I've been with DP for 2 years, I have a DC from a previous relationship and he has two DC. When we first got together I was always very clear about wanting at least one more DC. At first he was quite vague about having another or not, saying it was a 'possibility' and he'd 'consider it.' After we'd been together 6 months, shared I love you's, been on holiday, he suggested our children meeting. I told him I would only consider it if he was 100% committed to having another child in the future. My DC had already met one of my ex-partners, and I didn't want that to happen again. He said he was 100% on board, madly in love, wanted a future with me. I felt the same about him... Fast forward to now, I mentioned the possibility of starting trying for a baby (we are living together and I am late 30's), and he has now said he is unsure, he thinks it will negatively impact his existing children and in hindsight doesn't think he wants another. I feel tricked and deceived. I was very clear from the start about more DC. Not sure what I am hoping to gain from this just wanted to rant [angry]. I'm really upset for my DC, who has been introduced to another 'partner'.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 28/07/2021 22:03

He's allowed to change his mind. It's normal to change your mind sometimes.

I'm appalled that some posters think he should be tricked into it. I'm assuming that those who are saying to lie about contraception wouldn't accept a man changing his mind about using a condom midway through sex as he wanted a child. It's not OK.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 28/07/2021 22:21

@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe

I think you're gonna win this one by default aren't you? The one who doesn't want a child is the one who takes full responsibility for contraception. If they don't, well, you wanted a child anyway so why would you use contraception.

But yes, I don't blame you for being upset. What are your thoughts on marriage?

I agree with this, what's he going to do to prevent a pregnancy? I don't agree with tricking him at all but telling him you won't be using any contraception from now on. I do feel he told you what you wanted to hear at the time and now he has to face the consequences.

Nonmaquillee · 28/07/2021 22:24

I agree that he’s allowed to change his mind…you already have three DC between you.

Don’t introduce your DC to another new relationship. Can’t you keep your kid out of your love life?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/07/2021 22:39

@Oblahdeeoblahdoe

I agree with this, what's he going to do to prevent a pregnancy? I don't agree with tricking him at all but telling him you won't be using any contraception from now on. I do feel he told you what you wanted to hear at the time and now he has to face the consequences.

What about the hypothetical child in all this though? Do they not deserve consideration? Along with OP's existing child?

And what about OP's state of mind - is it healthy to still want a child with a man who is ambivalent and reluctant at best?

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 28/07/2021 23:41

[quote youvegottenminuteslynn]@Oblahdeeoblahdoe

I agree with this, what's he going to do to prevent a pregnancy? I don't agree with tricking him at all but telling him you won't be using any contraception from now on. I do feel he told you what you wanted to hear at the time and now he has to face the consequences.

What about the hypothetical child in all this though? Do they not deserve consideration? Along with OP's existing child?

And what about OP's state of mind - is it healthy to still want a child with a man who is ambivalent and reluctant at best?[/quote]
I'm not saying there will be a baby.
HIS choices are; no sex, a vasectomy, 100% responsibility for contraception or of course, ending the relationship.

billy1966 · 28/07/2021 23:49

Yes, he has pulled a fast one, but he was unsure at first but steadied up so you would move in.

Who does the most childcare?
Is it you?

If it is, you have been a very convenient girlfriend and he is not interested in the status quo changing.

You feel talked into something and perhaps you were.
Either way he is not trustworthy.

Don't feel pressured to stay.

Shoxfordian · 29/07/2021 05:26

He’s entitled to change his mind

Why do you want another child so badly? Is this a dealbreaker for you?

habibihabibi · 29/07/2021 06:21

58ToughLoveLDN

I think you should just get a sperm donor if you want another baby that bad.
100% this
Would you like it if the man you were with was only it it for your fertility ?

Monday26July · 29/07/2021 06:34

Unlike others, I don’t think it was wrong of OP to say she only wanted to progress to the next step of the relationship (meeting kids) if he wanted more children. If it was crucial to OP and give herself the opportunity to have another child it wouldn’t make any sense to amble down the path into a more exclusive and established relationship if that wasn’t a shared goal. I think it depends on the phrasing, whether it was ‘if you’re gonna meet the kids you have to promise first you’ll have a baby with me’ versus ‘I want more kids and only want to get into something serious with someone who wants the same, if you’re sure you don’t want more kids let’s not take this further’.

People not being clear about their wishes on this stuff is how women often end up in relationships heading nowhere for years of their fertility, winding up without children at all.

However, it’s very much a ‘if you don’t want more kids let’s be honest and end things’, not ‘you need to commit to having my baby’.

I think OP was sensible but of course life changes, people change their minds and are entitled to, and the person who doesn’t want a child always has to get ‘their way’ for the sake of all involved. But by being upfront at least OP would have weeded out a guy who already knew kids weren’t on the cards. Instead of not discussing it and just hoping.

I get that it sucks, I went through something similar in my late twenties, got with a guy at 26 with whom I had discussed kids, both wanted them. Said late twenties would be a good time to start trying. After several years together we got there and he said he didn’t want them any time soon after all and had no idea if he ever would, but maybe late thirties would work for him.

Obviously we split. I do suspect when we first discussed kids that he hadn’t really thought it through, or was just saying what I wanted to hear so he could be with me. But such is life, and once it was clear a child wasn’t gonna happen it was on me to leave and find someone who wanted the same things as I did. Met DH two weeks later, married and pregnant within three years.

Trust me OP, as painful as this is it’s the better option. In your shoes I’d try to accept and love the three we had. But if you can’t do that it isn’t too late to start again, again!

Monday26July · 29/07/2021 06:36

@habibihabibi

58ToughLoveLDN

I think you should just get a sperm donor if you want another baby that bad.
100% this
Would you like it if the man you were with was only it it for your fertility ?

If I was with a man who truly wanted kids or more kids and I wasn’t able to provide that then yeah, it would be painful, but as we’d be so deeply incompatible I wouldn’t judge him for moving on. Life sucks sometimes. If having a child is important to someone then it’s perfectly okay to pursue that.

MiddleParking · 29/07/2021 06:36

I think it’s totally fair to be pissed off at him for changing his mind about a time-limited dealbreaker for you when you’ve already introduced him to your child. There’s nothing to be done about it though unfortunately. Painful as it is, I think having a child with an ambivalent father is worse than having no second child at all.

Maggiesfarm · 29/07/2021 07:23

@ToughLoveLDN

I think you should just get a sperm donor if you want another baby that bad.

He’s allowed to change his mind and it seems rightly so

The op can surely not be that desperate for a baby.

If you are op, you need some professional help. It's not as if you've never had a child.

Sometimes you just have to accept that life doesn't go the way you had hoped. Life can still be good though! Maybe even better, which you will see eventually. Most women get broody at times during their fertile period but an obsession with pregnancy is unhealthy, especially when you have so much.

What are you going to do, uproot your child, disrupt his children, break up your home in order to try to find somebody else with whom to have a baby? You may find nobody to fit the bill in a hurry and will undoubtedly kiss a few frogs along the way.

If you're happy with your partner, make the most of that, it's more than many people have.

EsoNoSeHace · 29/07/2021 09:15

@Monday26July
Yes. I see it as you do. That he had to be open to the idea of another child for things to proceed.
Lots of threads do go off at a bit of a tangent as we all have a very limited view of the problem and our own perspectives might make our advice a bit irrelevant.

girlmom21 · 29/07/2021 09:21

You forced him into agreeing to have another child for the relationship to be sustainable.

18 months on your relationship will have developed a lot - it's not unreasonable to change his mind based on what your relationship/lifestyle has become.

6 months isn't long enough to know whether or not you want children together. Realistically, 2 years isn't long enough for a lot of people to know what they really want.

You need to decide whether the relationship or another child is more important for you.

ckverity9 · 29/07/2021 10:03

Talk to him frankly. If he really does not want a common child, then move on. This is not your person.

TooMuchPaper · 29/07/2021 10:06

It's the children I feel sorry for - the existing 3 and especially the hypothetical 4th.

Original poster

user8901234 · 29/07/2021 10:09

@Monday26July has it spot on. Perhaps I didn't word it very well in my OP. It wasn't a case of 'you must know after 6 months whether you want a baby with me and stick to that decision 100%'. That's unreasonable.

At 6 months he was discussing moving in together and our children meeting. I said to him that I cared for him, loved him, could see a future together, but that I was looking for a serious relationship that would lead to at least one other child one day. That I didn't think it a good idea to involve children in our relationship if he wasn't '100%' open to children one day. Having another child is a dealbreaker for me, and I made that very clear. It's not wrong to voice your wants and needs at a relatively early stage in a relationship.

For those saying I only want him for a baby, or I am desperate for a baby, the truth is I've been in a couple of relationships where I could have settled and just fulfilled my want to extend my family. I wanted to meet someone I was highly compatible and in love with (which I have done), and have another baby with them.

OP posts:

theodoracarp · 29/07/2021 10:14

Children, yes, sorry. I think you should think about whether to continue the relationship if you want a lot of children, and he does not agree

Original poster

user8901234 · 29/07/2021 10:24

I love DSC as though they are my own. This is an incredibly difficult decision for me, but I know this will only make me resent him in the long run. I said to him right at the beginning, that to be honest, I'd been looking for a man who didn't already have kids as I knew it would impact my ability to extend my family. Having only one biological DC, I would happily have another two/three, but I understood that him already having 2 and me having 1, meant we would have to compromise on probably only having one shared DC between us. I'm not a baby making machine trying to drag him into it as other people have commented.

OP posts:

Coffee86 · 29/07/2021 10:31

The world has changed so much in the past 18 months. I wouldn't blame anyone for reevaluating choices and decisions.

Gothichouse40 · 29/07/2021 10:33

The vagueness way back at the beginning was the clue. I don't think he has tricked you, reading between the lines it was obvious he didn't want more children. This is only my opinion. You need to weigh up what means more, your life together or having another child and please, do not 'accidentally fall pregnant'. That would not be fair on the child. If having another child means so much, then sadly I think you would need to be in a different relationship. However, you need to think about the length of time it would take to find another relationship, then have a baby and I think you mentioned being late 30s already. You need to decide if what you have, is what you can live with- forever. Best wishes.

Katedanielshasakitty · 29/07/2021 10:40

Op you feel how you feel. And if this is a deal breaker for you. Well done for knowing that and not accepting less than you feel you need. But it is entirely possible that things just change. It doesn't ever sound like he felt he needed another child like you do. So his mind could just change.

Even if he said he would have one, at this point I wouldn't stay. Because having a child just to keep someone rarely works.

But, just a word of advice. Please don't tell the kids you love them like their own and then leave them. You may love those kids very much. But would you leave your own child, if it was the only to have another baby? I don't think you would.

I totally get this is a deal breaker for you. But you can't tell kids you love them like their own and then leave, taking your own child with them. That's not fair on them.

Nonmaquillee · 29/07/2021 10:41

@user8901234

I love DSC as though they are my own. This is an incredibly difficult decision for me, but I know this will only make me resent him in the long run. I said to him right at the beginning, that to be honest, I'd been looking for a man who didn't already have kids as I knew it would impact my ability to extend my family. Having only one biological DC, I would happily have another two/three, but I understood that him already having 2 and me having 1, meant we would have to compromise on probably only having one shared DC between us. I'm not a baby making machine trying to drag him into it as other people have commented.

I guess that, to be really brutal, the “fault” lies with you in this case - why did you enter into a relationship with a man who didn’t already have children when you knew that is what you actually wanted?

You should have been more honest with YOURSELF and not pass this off as him “tricking” 🧐 you.

And I agree with a PP - who hasn’t been re-evaluating what’s important to them over the last 18 months?

Youdiditanyway · 29/07/2021 10:43

I don’t think he ever wanted another child hence the vagueness in the beginning. He was probably hoping you’d drop the idea and eventually become too old for one anyway. You’re not unreasonable to feel upset, he should have been straight with you from the off. I can’t see the relationship surviving this one.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 29/07/2021 10:43

Whilst I feel for the DC letting him go free so he can find someone for whom him alone is good enough I think is the best thing for him. Surely if you truly loved him the existing three children would be enough.

Will you be honest with your existing child and tell them you’ve walked away as want another child and that was more important?