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Relationships

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Original poster

To feel he tricked me about having children.

161 replies

user8901234 · 28/07/2021 13:38

I've been with DP for 2 years, I have a DC from a previous relationship and he has two DC. When we first got together I was always very clear about wanting at least one more DC. At first he was quite vague about having another or not, saying it was a 'possibility' and he'd 'consider it.'

After we'd been together 6 months, shared I love you's, been on holiday, he suggested our children meeting. I told him I would only consider it if he was 100% committed to having another child in the future. My DC had already met one of my ex-partners, and I didn't want that to happen again. He said he was 100% on board, madly in love, wanted a future with me. I felt the same about him...

Fast forward to now, I mentioned the possibility of starting trying for a baby (we are living together and I am late 30's), and he has now said he is unsure, he thinks it will negatively impact his existing children and in hindsight doesn't think he wants another.

I feel tricked and deceived. I was very clear from the start about more DC. Not sure what I am hoping to gain from this just wanted to rant . I'm really upset for my DC, who has been introduced to another 'partner'.

OP posts:

Nonmaquillee · 29/07/2021 10:44

I meant: why DIDN’T you enter…

MiddlesexGirl · 29/07/2021 10:49

It sounds like he said what you wanted to hear to me. Is he a 'yes' man in other ways too because that would definitely be a dealbreaker for me. It's infuriating when someone says yes (or whatever) because it's the easier answer to give at the time when if push comes to shove they really mean the opposite.
I would expect him to be responsible for the contraception and would tell him so. I wouldn't rely on him being lazy about it either as some pp have suggested; if you do end up getting pregnant would you then end up in a disagreement about abortion?

Original poster

user8901234 · 29/07/2021 10:55

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss On the flip side, surely if he really loved me he would want to, and be prepared to compromise on, having another child. I made it totally clear what my dealbreakers were only months into the relationship. I am in love with this man. More than I have loved a man before. I love his DC, our life together, our family. But that doesn't stop me from wanting another pregnancy, birth, bringing up baby, toddler stage, giving my DC a biological sibling.

I am 36. So I do have some time to find someone else etc. I do believe that he's not 'the one', if I have to compromise so greatly. Equally I'm not 'the one' for him, if he has to be cajoled into having a baby. I just wish he'd been clearer at 6 months, or one year, or 18 months... rather than just waiting for me to bring it up again so he could say he doesn't want another. I think deep, deep down he never truly wanted another and just said what I wanted to hear to keep me with him to be honest.

OP posts:

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 29/07/2021 11:00

surely if he really loved me he would want to, and be prepared to compromise on, having another child

No, a child should be wanted by both parents not because one pushes the other into it through emotional blackmail which is what the “if you love me you’ll give me a baby” would amount too.

Original poster

user8901234 · 29/07/2021 11:03

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss Is it not also emotional blackmail 'If you love me you'll stay with me, despite me not being able to fulfil your desire to have a baby, even though I was aware of this from the outset?'

OP posts:

MrsMiddleMother · 29/07/2021 11:08

Having another child should never be a compromise dear god. You either both 100% want one or no baby. You've only been together 2 years! And he's probably aware that if you were to have a baby and then split up, it's another child he may only see at weekends or half the week etc. You're obviously not compatible, you want more children he doesn't. Don't emotionally blackmail him into it, it wouldn't be fair on anyone. Time to end the relationship and move on.

Nonmaquillee · 29/07/2021 11:12

[quote user8901234]@IceCreamAndCandyfloss Is it not also emotional blackmail 'If you love me you'll stay with me, despite me not being able to fulfil your desire to have a baby, even though I was aware of this from the outset?'[/quote]
Is this what he said? Or is this what you think he was thinking?

ferando81 · 29/07/2021 11:19

He hasn’t been honest.You laid your cards on the table .He should have explained in full that he needed time to evaluate your relationship and the impact that having a new child would have on everyone involved and that there was a distinct possibility that he might change his mind .
He’s left you in a horrible position we’re you are likely to be very unhappy if you stay or leave .

Katedanielshasakitty · 29/07/2021 11:21

On the flip side, surely if he really loved me he would want to, and be prepared to compromise on, having another child.

Absolutely not no. Children aren't something you have, just because you love a person. You can love someone and not want a child with them or more children or any children.

Equally, he shouldnt be saying to you that you should give up the need for another child and would if you loved him enough.

NakedAttraction · 29/07/2021 11:30

On the flip side, surely if he really loved me he would want to, and be prepared to compromise on, having another child.

I’m sorry OP but this is such an unhinged view. You can’t compromise on having a child. You can’t have half a child. On that basis you could compromise by not having a child.

It sounds like this relationship is pretty much doomed now unfortunately. You can’t, and shouldn’t force someone into having a child. And it sounds like he’s lost your trust now and that’s very difficult to come back from.

AlfonsoTheMango · 29/07/2021 11:41

I'm sorry, OP, but you need to see things the way they are and not the way you want them to be or think they should be.

If your partner does not want a child with you, he does not want a child with you. That is the end of the story. Either you accept that or you find someone who wants to have a child with you.

LatentPhase · 29/07/2021 11:44

Your mistake was to not listen to his first answer, which was ‘possibly’

You heard what you wanted to hear, the answer he gave once the pressure and a silly crazy ultimatum was on. At six months you barely know each other. You were loved up. Neither of you were in a position at that point to commit to the idea of a child together.

But now your both in a position to fully evaluate. And now he has made his considered decision.

I salute him for having the backbone to say no to this. Most men go along with it for a quiet life.

I’m sorry that you both want different things but you’ve both played a part in ‘going along with things’.

rantymcrantface66 · 29/07/2021 11:44

I think it's fair he's considering his current dc. Lots of posts on here where things have gone wrong and lots of posters are dumbfounded that a new child was brought in to the family often at the expense of the others (especially the mans dc who tend to be non resident. These seem to be the ones that lose out the most). At 6 months there's no way either of you would know whether a shared dc would be an option so I think it was an unfair and unrealistic ultimatum.

Whatdirection · 29/07/2021 11:46

I think the crux of the matter is......he knew this was a dealbreaker for you. It’s sounds like you made it very clear at 6 months, as the relationship was turning serious, what your hopes were for the future. Of course it is a hypothetical situation but women need to make decisions on their dwindling fertility in advance especially if having another child is important.

He is allowed to change his mind BUT he should of told you of this change of heart long before you brought it up. That is the deceitful bit. He carried on with the relationship knowing that he was silently reneging on the dealbreaker bit. You carried on thinking he was on board.

Trust gets destroyed by behaving like that....you feel tricked because he ALLOWED you to think he was on board when he wasn’t.

I would struggle to get past this. He put his needs first and crossed his fingers behind his back hoping that you might change your mind. No thought for your happiness on such an important issue

Timetoreflect · 29/07/2021 11:49

surely if he really loved me he would want to, and be prepared to compromise on, having another child

No, all day long, no. This is an unhealthy view to have.

AlfonsoTheMango · 29/07/2021 11:52

Surely if you really loved him you wouldn't want to, and be prepared to compromise on, having another child.

It works both ways.

Chikapu · 29/07/2021 11:53

Fireflygal · 29/07/2021 12:14

Op, how old are his children? I really think that once you get past a certain child stage the thought of going back to the baby stage becomes unpalatable. It's often not even a conscious decision as it creeps up on you. You start to enjoy the non baby stage. You are not there but he is.

If you choose to see this as "he tricked me" that's very black & white thinking and paints you as a victim rather than owning your choices. You knew that a man with no children was a better bet for more children but chose to continue, you also chose to introduce your children.

Relationships break up for a whole host of reasons and until you get to the 2 year stage I really don't think you can say or feel you know someone well.

I really appreciate that's it painful. I was involved in a relationship in my 30s because of the ticking bio clock so I really get it but it's healthier for you to reframe the issue. "He is a man I love and he no longer wants children. I respect his decision and understand it now makes us incompatible"

It's better for your children that you reframe the issue rather than be angry as that will be the legacy rather than acknowledging that his needs changed.

BigFatLiar · 29/07/2021 12:45

Having a child is important to you. Perhaps he's starting to feel that your relationship with him is secondary. What happened to his previous relationship? Could he be concerned that you'll split and he'll be left as a weekend dad again?

Theunamedcat · 29/07/2021 12:53

[quote Christmasfairy2020]@Theunamedcat how awful. What is he like now parenting his child is he a good dad. Are the ex inlaws as involved given they was so desperate for a child[/quote]
Nope he sees his eldest a couple of hours a week his youngest (born after we got married) not at all his parents dont see them either i gave up trying to force the issue and here we are

SarahDarah · 29/07/2021 14:00

[quote youvegottenminuteslynn]@Oblahdeeoblahdoe

I agree with this, what's he going to do to prevent a pregnancy? I don't agree with tricking him at all but telling him you won't be using any contraception from now on. I do feel he told you what you wanted to hear at the time and now he has to face the consequences.

What about the hypothetical child in all this though? Do they not deserve consideration? Along with OP's existing child?

And what about OP's state of mind - is it healthy to still want a child with a man who is ambivalent and reluctant at best?[/quote]
@youvegottenminuteslynn
Well anyone who chooses to have sex has to accept the possibility of having a child. That's the biological function of sex after all!

If the OP conceives he should step up and be a dad. Either way I'm sure OP will be a loving mum to the child.

SarahDarah · 29/07/2021 14:13

@user8901234 I would end things with him.
Ignore some of posters on here - it's more than understandable desperately wanting more than one child and feeling the very real pressure of decling fertile years which he conveniently doesn't have to.worry about when he's free to decide to have a child with another woman after he's wasted your own precious fertile years.

It's not fair that he continues to benefit from all you give in the relationship and has a convenient pseudo wife, when he does not want what you want the most I.e. another child. A child is a precious and unique gift and what he's denying you is huge.

Kick him to the kerb and stop him having his cake and eating it. I agree with others that it's also very unfair for you to be taking on all the risks (including potentially cancer), side effects, synthetic hormones pumped into your body from artificial contraception. I would stop taking it. Why should your body be taking the hit for his decision to not to want kids with you?

lightlysparkling · 29/07/2021 14:17

People are being so bloody weird on this thread.

Op was clear children were a dealbreaker. He had no right to string her along.

I think it's likely you'll end up breaking up with him. Is that what you are thinking now?

HollowTalk · 29/07/2021 14:22

I think your answer should have been, "Oh I didn't realise I couldn't trust you to tell me the truth. Now it's time for you to pack your bags."

FeatheredHope · 29/07/2021 14:27

surely if he really loved me he would want to, and be prepared to compromise on, having another child

No, all day long, no. This is an unhealthy view to have.

This with bells on.

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