To feel he tricked me about having children.

[user8901234]

I've been with DP for 2 years, I have a DC from a previous relationship and he has two DC. When we first got together I was always very clear about wanting at least one more DC. At first he was quite vague about having another or not, saying it was a 'possibility' and he'd 'consider it.'

After we'd been together 6 months, shared I love you's, been on holiday, he suggested our children meeting. I told him I would only consider it if he was 100% committed to having another child in the future. My DC had already met one of my ex-partners, and I didn't want that to happen again. He said he was 100% on board, madly in love, wanted a future with me. I felt the same about him...

Fast forward to now, I mentioned the possibility of starting trying for a baby (we are living together and I am late 30's), and he has now said he is unsure, he thinks it will negatively impact his existing children and in hindsight doesn't think he wants another.

I feel tricked and deceived. I was very clear from the start about more DC. Not sure what I am hoping to gain from this just wanted to rant . I'm really upset for my DC, who has been introduced to another 'partner'.

There is nothing to say he strung her along. She said it was a dealbreaker.

If he didn’t want another child he should have said at that point. Absolutely.

Who is to say that he didn’t take time to consider it though and then decide?

We just don’t know.

I’d rather there was honesty than resentment.

OP has said he should have brought it up 6 months/a year/18 months ago. If it was a dealbreaker then why didn’t the OP keep raising it instead of waiting two years?

It is sad all round. And even sadder that this impasse might have been settled some time ago with a heartfelt conversation.

@lightlysparkling

People are being so bloody weird on this thread.

Op was clear children were a dealbreaker. He had no right to string her along.

I think it's likely you'll end up breaking up with him. Is that what you are thinking now?

On the other side, the OP’s approach to this whole thing was strange — she first brought it up when they’d been together only six months, put it as a condition of their children meeting (very early, if it actually happened at 6 months), and appears to think her partner should overlook his own change of heart and his worries about the impact on his two existing children.

No one should ever have a child they don’t want. It’s clearly difficult for the OP, but she would be deeply unfair to blame her partner for not wanting another child.

[quote user8901234]@IceCreamAndCandyfloss On the flip side, surely if he really loved me he would want to, and be prepared to compromise on, having another child. I made it totally clear what my dealbreakers were only months into the relationship. I am in love with this man. More than I have loved a man before. I love his DC, our life together, our family. But that doesn't stop me from wanting another pregnancy, birth, bringing up baby, toddler stage, giving my DC a biological sibling.

I am 36. So I do have some time to find someone else etc. I do believe that he's not 'the one', if I have to compromise so greatly. Equally I'm not 'the one' for him, if he has to be cajoled into having a baby. I just wish he'd been clearer at 6 months, or one year, or 18 months... rather than just waiting for me to bring it up again so he could say he doesn't want another. I think deep, deep down he never truly wanted another and just said what I wanted to hear to keep me with him to be honest.[/quote]
I think you are right.
Particularly as he is so absolutely adamant now.

Its a really nasty unkind thing to do and a complete deal breaker IMO.

How you are supposed to admire and respect a partner after doing that, I certainly don't know.

You may limp on for another bit, but ultimately HIS dishonesty will sour this relationship.

YOUR complete forcus now needs to be on YOU and what you want.

Because he has shown you clearly that he is very much about getting what he wants, even if it means misleading you at the beginning of a relationship.

Even if he did a complete change of mind at 6 months, he knew it was stated as very important to you, decency should have determined that he tell you.

He didn't, therefore he is dishonourable IMO.

I wouldn't be committing my life to a man who would act so against what was stated as important to me.

Decency and honour are important to me.

I feel for you OP.

I couldn't look at him if I were you.
I sure as shit wouldn't be hiding my anger either, at being so mislead.

Do you honestly think he tricker you? People are allowed to-change their minds.

if he wasn't '100%' open to children one day

What has made you believe that he wasn't open to it?

Has he admitted that he never wanted them?

From what you've said, it's absolutely possible and quite likely that he was open to more children, but as time has gone on, he's realised he doesn't want more.

That doesn't mean that he lied to you. And he's probably quite aware that he'll lose you over it, if it's been important to you from the get-go.

Neither of you are wrong here; it's unfortunate but you are now incompatible.

It's unreasonable of you to expect him to compromise on a child that he doesn't want, because that's unfair on the child.

But that's it. You're allowed to want more children and have made that clear. He's allowed to change his mind. It'd be nice if he hadn't, or if he'd told you as soon as he realised he was, but we're all only human.

Now it's time to say goodbye, heal and find someone else, if you definitely want another baby. It'll hurt for everyone, but that's the only path forward, in situations where no compromises are possible.

Are you going to introduce partners to your DC until you find one who will have a baby with you. How unsettling is that for your DC (and for the DC of your current partner)

I am in love with this man. More than I have loved a man before. I love his DC, our life together, our family

Is that really worth sacrificing?

On the other side, the OP’s approach to this whole thing was strange — she first brought it up when they’d been together only six months

I'm not waiting more than 6months to ask about kids as it's important to me, and that's what OP has done. I think people are being a bit silly to suggest you have to wait a whole year+ to even ask views on children. Ridiculous, my partner and I moved in at 6 months.

@ineedaholidaynow

No. That's exactly why I made my feelings clear early on in the relationship. Seems your damned if you do and damned if you don't.

OP,

You are right to feel anger and resentment. You were clear from day 1. You know him and you feel he has strung you along - none of the women on here supporting him and telling you to stay with him know him like you do so their opinion is irrelevant.

You know you will not be happy now so move on. Don’t waste another minute of your life with him. You may meet someone new and have another child with him, you may not. But you will never be happy with him now that you know he misled you.

You owe it to yourself and to your DC to move on sooner rather than later.

Good luck OP.

I don't agree with the comments "he's allowed to change his mind" of course he is. However OP made it clear from the start.... I would leave OP if its a deal breaker for you OP? You need to decide can you accept that you will only have one child. Given your age too I can see why you wouldn't want to wait too long to have your second child.. us there the age gap between the kids too.

I disagree. OP is in her last fertile years so she did the right thing making clear what she wanted. At six months he would at least know if he's open to having a child with her. Since having a child is a relationship dealbreaker, it makes no sense whatsoever for her to introduce her kids to man who didnt see that in his future.

OP, next time I would avoid introducing men to your kids. There's no need to involve them in your dating life, it only unsettles them.

No one is saying that the OP must stay with him. Just that she now has the choice - accept a life with him without a new baby or leave and hope that she finds someone else that she wants to build a life with her/ her current child and who is willing to have a baby with her in her limited window of fertility. He is perfectly entitled to change his mind on fathering a child especially as he agreed before the reality of blending their families had been attempted. It’s sad for the OP that he has changed his mind but being angry at him gets her nowhere - she leaves or accepts it.

At six months he would at least know if he's open to having a child with her

Six months of dating is barely anything, certainly not long enough to know the person well and if it will be a lifetime stable relationship into which a child should be born.

@ineedaholidaynow

Are you going to introduce partners to your DC until you find one who will have a baby with you. How unsettling is that for your DC (and for the DC of your current partner)

Not to mention the chances of the relationship lasting after the baby is born if a pregnancy is rushed.

If having a baby is the most important thing then move on and have a baby. You don't need a partner to have a baby, a likely looking 'friend' on tinder and a night away and there you go.

You can always look for a new partner later.

Augtwo
Expecting someone to sign up to 100% have a baby with you after 24 short weeks and then never change their mind once the relationship progresses and you meet each other's children isn't being up front. It's being ridiculous.

It's entirely reasonable for ANY adult to introduce their existing children to their new partner and to decide that another baby isn't right.

More people should think about the impact of blending families and having more children on the existing children before jumping into playing happy families with their new partner in my opinion.

You don’t have to love his children as you’re own. It’s something people say but it’s very rare and also highly unlikely after only knowing them 18 months. Your relationship with them is entirely conditional on your relationship with him. You haven’t known him that long, you’ve known them even less time, you don’t live with them full time, you have your own child who needs you and who you can and should focus on them.

Don’t give up on having another baby for a man you’ve dated for two years, however fond you are of his kids.

It doesn’t matter why you’ve ended up at this point of disagreement, it now makes you incompatible so it’s sensible to break up.

Absoloutley idiotic and short sighted of you to try and pin down his agreement to have a chil with you before you and he even seen how the existing children coped being in a new blended family.

Massively fucked up priorities there.

I think he kind of did deceive you.

I think he probably knew he wasn’t keen on having another child all along but was really into you and the relationship and out his own needs first.

Sorry OP.

I don't see what the big deal is. Surely you love your partner for him, not as a sperm provider?
Why not just enjoy the children you have between you and each other.
I've never understood this need for people to have a child with a new partner.

Setting clear expectations about what you hope for the future is a good idea, especially with kids involved.

Deciding that adding more children to a blended family that already has 3 children is a bad idea once you have seen it he blended family together is a wise decision and one more people should make. His highest priority needs to be the impact another child would have on his existing children. He has already asked quite a lot simply by expecting his children to move in with another family. If he now doesn’t think a baby is a good idea, then he probably has a reason for that decision.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with being true to yourself and I admire your honesty with him at the start of your relationship.

He's duped you and it really does put you (and everyone) in a terrible position at this point and that's down to him. He's counting on you not to rock the lovely boat you are all in.

I don't buy that it will negatively impact his existing DCs one bit.

Unfortunately, I think you are absolutely right that you will build up a lot of resentment towards him for not being completely straight with you at the beginning.

You really can’t see how it could negatively impact his kids if he has another child with a woman the kids have known for 18 months and have only just moved in with her and her child? Really can’t see any potential issues here? This is why kids get fucked up by divorce and their parents creating new families.

I’m not saying that it couldn’t work but your obtuse view that it couldn’t possibly affect his existing children is naive and in deep denial.

Who knows why he has said he doesn’t want more. Could be the kids, his age, the thought of starting the parental slog again, money. It doesn’t really matter - it’s his choice to make.

@Snookie00

You really can’t see how it could negatively impact his kids if he has another child with a woman the kids have known for 18 months and have only just moved in with her and her child? Really can’t see any potential issues here? This is why kids get fucked up by divorce and their parents creating new families.

I’m not saying that it couldn’t work but your obtuse view that it couldn’t possibly affect his existing children is naive and in deep denial.

Who knows why he has said he doesn’t want more. Could be the kids, his age, the thought of starting the parental slog again, money. It doesn’t really matter - it’s his choice to make.

Couldn’t agree more with your post. Not enough people consider the impact on their existing children before hurtling headlong into a “blended” family (in my experience, this is a euphemism for “creating another situation that will probably be dysfunctional”.

I said it in my previous post: why can’t people keep their kids away from their love lives? Why do they expect their children to fit in and tolerate this new situation, and all the logistical and emotional upheaval that it brings??