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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Waivering on my plans to leave DH

307 replies

namechangeat11pm · 27/07/2021 00:06

I have been making plans to leave DH after realising he was controlling. I wasn't allowed to work, have friends, see family etc. No DC. No physical abuse. I have somewhere to move into on the 1st September, I have been saving some money away and I don't have much but enough to keep me going for a month or two while I find a job (I hope).

I'm getting cold feet though.

DH has been really lovely to me lately. I was angry at him for a while but he's been being so sweet to me and I feel almost like I've fallen in love with him again? He's planned a date night for us next weekend, to do something I love but he doesn't. My head's a mess and I don't know what to do now. He was never really awful to me for the most part, he just wants everything to be his way all the time. As long as I go along with that then everything's fine.

I just feel like I will have nothing if I leave him. I've always struggled to make friends even before I met him. I have anxiety and he is good at calming me down. I don't really have any family I can turn to. I almost feel like it would be better to stay with him, better the devil I know, than risk being even more miserable on my own.

I don't know what to do. It feels impossible.

OP posts:
Thelnebriati · 27/07/2021 00:14

Please don't abandon your plans to leave.
I suspect that he has realised he was losing control over you, and has moved into the reconciliation/honeymoon stage of the cycle of abuse.

''This devoted behavior can trigger the release of dopamine and oxytocin, helping you feel even more closely bonded and leading you to believe you have your “real” relationship back.''
www.healthline.com/health/relationships/cycle-of-abuse#the-cycle

Inthesameboat2 · 27/07/2021 00:16

He has probably sensed that you've withdrawn and is being nice to reel you back in.

It won't last. Please leave.

Original poster
namechangeat11pm · 27/07/2021 00:20

I just wish he would let me have a job. I think I would be okay if so. I want to feel like I'm accomplishing something, I want to have colleagues to chat to, I want to lose track of time on a busy day, I even miss ridiculous things like looking smart and reading on my commute and getting a coffee in the station and the walk from the station to work etc

OP posts:
YukoandHiro · 27/07/2021 00:37

OP read your last post back. This is not a loving relationship. He only wants you as a shadow of yourself.

What would happen if you got a job? You are an independent adult, there's nothing to stop you. Are you worried he'd react with violence? Why is it his decision if you work?

When you've answered these questions truthfully to yourself I think you'll realise that you need to go. It will be harder in the short term, but in the long term your life will be so much richer in every way

Aquamarine1029 · 27/07/2021 00:38

How can he prevent you from getting a job? What does he do?

jeaux90 · 27/07/2021 00:40

Christ alive. This is 2021. You don't need his permission to have a job. If he makes your life insufferable if you do then it tells you everything you need to know.

I was with a narcissist for a while. He would turn the charm on occasionally but the shitty controlling person is who they really are.

Go and live your life.

Nat6999 · 27/07/2021 00:47

Every time you waver, picture in your mind what your new life will be like, you will be able to work, have a social life & do what you like. Then remember really what your life is like now, he is just being nice to keep you a prisoner. Don't change your mind, you will regret it if you do.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 27/07/2021 04:10

@namechangeat11pm

I just wish he would let me have a job. I think I would be okay if so. I want to feel like I'm accomplishing something, I want to have colleagues to chat to, I want to lose track of time on a busy day, I even miss ridiculous things like looking smart and reading on my commute and getting a coffee in the station and the walk from the station to work etc
Think about this when he's 'lovely'. It wouldn't even occur to a genuinely lovely man to block you from working or to want everything his way.
Feather12 · 27/07/2021 04:58

How does he stop you from working?

RainbowCrayons · 27/07/2021 05:24

It sounds like the reason you don't have anyone else to turn to is because he won't let you have friends so you are totally reliant on him. Once you are in your new life you won't be as alone because you can see who you like and I'm sure you will make loads of friends at your new job.

Bogeyes · 27/07/2021 05:33

Please don't stay. He will treat you like crap afterwards. He will see himself as the winner and make you pay for daring to consider leaving. Leave him and get your independence back... X

Holothane · 27/07/2021 05:49

Please you must leave, your life is too precious for this sort of life.

Pinchoftums · 27/07/2021 07:32

Life is short and you only have one. It may be hard for a while as you adjust. However, you can make your life into something good.
If you stay with him it will only get worse. As he ages he the control will increase. I have seen this over and over again.
Please be brave. You've been so strong this far.

FlorenceWintle · 27/07/2021 07:46

I just wish he would let me have a job.

Just ten words but they say so, so much. Read them out loud to yourself several times a day so you can hear how bad it sounds.

layladomino · 27/07/2021 07:59

Just like others above, my first thought in reading your op is that he's sensed you are withdrawing and he's losing control, so he is acting as the loving partner to reel you back in.

An easy way to test it - tell him you're job hunting and see how he responds.

Noone can tell you you can't have a job. He isn't your boss. He isn't more important than you. Your opinions are just as important as his. Unless you both agree with these statements your relationship is not a healthy loving one.

HollowTalk · 27/07/2021 08:00

Please don't be taken in by this. He's just realised that he's gone a bit too far and he's going to try to reel you back in now.

MyMabel · 27/07/2021 08:02

The sudden change is his behaviour is a major red flag in my eyes. He either knows you’re going to leave or it’s calm before a storm.

Leave.

Ambo21 · 27/07/2021 08:05

Everything that has been said above.... keeping saving.. keep planning... with or without friends to lean on ...with or without a job.. you deserve so much more than this..

...and it is so close now.. you can do this.. you can get your life back and live it the way you want... in freedom...

Dont let him win.....

Dancingqueens · 27/07/2021 08:07

He doesn’t ‘let’ you have a job...

Does he ‘let’ you have friends?

Okay picture the situation in reverse. Would you treat him like he treats you? ...

FlamingGoat · 27/07/2021 08:08

How does he stop you having a job?
Does he lock you in the house? Take your shoes away?
What would he do if you got one?

5togo · 27/07/2021 08:09

How can you go through your whole life without a job? That’s no way to live.

rainbowstardrops · 27/07/2021 08:15

Like others have said, how can he stop you getting a job? You're an adult!
What's his reasoning?

FayeFayeFayeFayeFaye · 27/07/2021 08:16

He knows something is up.

Sapnupuas · 27/07/2021 08:25

Oh love.

He's being nice because he can sense you're pulling away. As soon as he reels you back in, he will be back to his old tricks. This is no way to live.

Time40 · 27/07/2021 08:35

He's either found out that you're leaving, or he senses that you have changed in some way. He is trying to reel you back in. Leave, OP! If you stay, it will only get worse again.