Waivering on my plans to leave DH

[namechangeat11pm]

I have been making plans to leave DH after realising he was controlling. I wasn't allowed to work, have friends, see family etc. No DC. No physical abuse. I have somewhere to move into on the 1st September, I have been saving some money away and I don't have much but enough to keep me going for a month or two while I find a job (I hope).

I'm getting cold feet though.

DH has been really lovely to me lately. I was angry at him for a while but he's been being so sweet to me and I feel almost like I've fallen in love with him again? He's planned a date night for us next weekend, to do something I love but he doesn't. My head's a mess and I don't know what to do now. He was never really awful to me for the most part, he just wants everything to be his way all the time. As long as I go along with that then everything's fine.

I just feel like I will have nothing if I leave him. I've always struggled to make friends even before I met him. I have anxiety and he is good at calming me down. I don't really have any family I can turn to. I almost feel like it would be better to stay with him, better the devil I know, than risk being even more miserable on my own.

I don't know what to do. It feels impossible.

OP are you the poster who recently turned down a job at the University?

Please leave, it will only get worse

OP please don't tell him you're going, only tell him after the event. You could be putting yourself in danger or he could stop you if he's forewarned.

The 7.36pm timing for a bath is hideously controlling. He really is as bad as the types you're reading about.

What is your plan for actually leaving? Why not talk it through here and people can help you to do it the most effective way.

Oh OP, if you are who I think you are, keep posting! Every time you start a new thread, you see him a bit more clearly as the controlling monster that he is.
You can do this. You can get out, get free, find a job, make friends, live your life.

OP, go somewhere safe and call Women's Aid - you can go to any pharmacy and ask to use their consultation room to call.

This level of abuse and control is not normal, it is that bad (7.36? exactly? not even 7.35 ffs) and as others have pointed out this level of coercive control is a crime.

The most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when you leave, and I would be concerned that you need help and support to make the best choices for you, possibly a refuge.

There is a wonderful thread on here about a woman leaving an abusive relationship talking about her red toothbrush. I want you to have your red toothbrush - to be able to make big choices and little choices in your life, to have a job and friends and a bath whatever damn time you like.

Oh you poor pet op - you must leave him. I’ve not read anything so sad for a long time.
He’s ultra controlling and you’re so down trodden. It’s normal to make decisions such as to having a job and a bath at a time you want to. You have one life. Gather yourself and leave to live it. Post on here if you need support and advice while you do that. We’ll all cheer you on while you do it

As a pp has said op , only tell him you've left once you're safe in your new home. Don't give him your area or address , and take all of your precious belongings with you. You won't get them back without a ridiculously long fight or he'll just trash them.

Yes , he'll react badly once he finds out you've left him. So let him. You'll be safe in your new flat at that point.

Remember op - you owe him nothing. A simple text saying that you've left him will suffice. Then you can block him.

It’s a big change and you’re very brave to be doing it.
Why not just move out as planned and get a job and have a social life etc but you can still be friends with him/in a relationship with him but make sure it’s all on your terms and he doesn’t know where you are all of the time and things.
You’ll probably love your new life so much that you won’t have time for him but knowing you can still be with him if you want to might make the transition easier.

Him not hitting you is a really really low bar to set in a relationship.

That’s VERY true and I have heard it a few times on here as a reason to stay.

"I'm scared of the actual leaving, of telling him I'm going/have gone, and what will happen and how he'll handle it."

Yes, this is the hardest bit. And he will do the usual tears/begging turning to anger and possibly rage when they don't work, but in MOST cases this is over within several weeks/couple of months.

So what your whole dilemma comes down to is picking between a couple of overtly difficult months versus a lifetime of subtle, soul crushing misery.

Because you have been so worn down and broken by him, quite possibly the lifetime sentence almost seems easier to accept. After all you've been doing it for years, you know how it works and the alternative - a potentially explosive couple of months - when you are already so exhausted, feels insurmountable. BUT the prize is so worth it.

Please be brave and go for the hard option.

@namechangeat11pm

There are no children involved, no.

I know I need to leave him. When I imagine myself past that point, living on my own, the thought makes me feel happy. I think I'm just having a wobble over the scariness of it. I'm scared of the actual leaving, of telling him I'm going/have gone, and what will happen and how he'll handle it.

How he'll handle it should not be your concern. I understand why it worries you, I spent so long terrified of my husband then ex's reactions to things but there came a point when I realised it didn't matter because I was free and he was no longer my concern. The joy!

I really think you need the support of Women's Aid, they have so much experience of dealing with these things, that's what they're there for. If you can get a chance to contact them, please consider it, it'll make such a difference. It'll make it less scary for a start, you can do this, but proper support will make it so much easier

Please don't tell him.
Get your precious belongings out.

If you go to the police and tell them that you are fleeing, the may help you get your things out.

Worth checking out.
See what womens aid advise.

Maybe you can stay somewhere before your tenancy starts?

So what your whole dilemma comes down to is picking between a couple of overtly difficult months versus a lifetime of subtle, soul crushing misery.

Because you have been so worn down and broken by him, quite possibly the lifetime sentence almost seems easier to accept. After all you've been doing it for years, you know how it works and the alternative - a potentially explosive couple of months - when you are already so exhausted, feels insurmountable. BUT the prize is so worth it.

This is brilliantly put.

Please don't tell him you're going to go before you go. It's not safe and it's likely someone as manipulative as him will convince you to change your mind.

You must not change your mind - your whole future can be happy. But not with him, never ever with him.

@sixesandeights thank you. My plan is: get the keys on the 1st which is a Wednesday I think. Thursday and Friday move some of my bits over that won’t really be missed, just a few clothes and precious things. Then on the Monday, I was going to hire a van, we have a bed in the spare room that we never got round to putting up, and a couple of other bits of furniture in there, move as much as I can while he’s at work and move out.

Ive already packed an emergency bag with documents, underwear and spare car key in and I just ordered a spare phone charger which I’ll put in when it comes, just so I can just grab everything quickly if I need to. I don’t know if that’s a bit dramatic but i feel better having it together.

What do you think, does that sound okay?

Can you hire a locker somewhere for a few weeks to keep the emergency bag in? Just in case he comes across it? I think having a bag like that is brilliant, really useful.

I think your plan's great. Other forumers will no doubt be along to help.

What about your mobile phone contract op? Is it in your name or his?

Well done on your planning so far. I would definitely keep the emergency bag somewhere else if at all possible. Obviously it's a bit difficult when, thanks to him, you don't have a workplace to keep it at, or friends to look after it for you, but if there is anywhere else, it would be good.

Sounds a good plan!

But yes, emergency bag needs to be elsewhere, away from him, your car, your home. Could your sister look after it for you?

I'm sorry you are in this situation. Nothing will feel right until you are absolutely certain of how you want to live the rest of your life. And even after absolute certainty you should expect moments of doubts, and sadness for the losses.
The feeling you should try to avoid is regret. For me regret is the most painfull of the feelings because Is the one that I have more control over.
Wish you wisdom and a good decision at the right time.

Is there anyone that would keep a bag for you and a few other bags?

@billy1966

OP,

You have been told our view of your husband.

Talk yourself out of leaving if that is what you want to do.

That is your choice.

You are the one living your life.

If this is what you want forever, that is YOUR choice.

For me and the other posters, he sounds like a disgusting, nasty, selfish, controlling, PIG.

Him rushing to use the loo before you bathed, is utterly repulsive.....and that is the least of it.

+1 to this. It's your life. Only you can decide if this is how you will continue to exist, or not.

I'd be worried about leaving my passport etc in a locker, in case it got stolen. I don't have anyone I could really leave it with, not without things getting back to my Mum and I don't want her to know anything. I think she would try and talk me into going back or not leaving if she knew. I know it's hard to imagine, but I don't really have anyone. It's my own fault because I allowed DH to manipulate me to push them away. Hopefully it will be something I can change.

Thank you again for all the kind messages, they really do help me so much.

Go for it OP, you’ve done so well to get to this point. I’m a few stages behind you but hope to do the same one day. For now I’m keeping notes on my phone of every little comment/argument to remind myself of why I need to leave. Good luck!

@namechangeat11pm

I wouldn't leave anything with anyone else at all. It's not worth the risk of anything getting back to him if someone misguidedly thinks they can help.

Keep this to yourself. Everything can be sorted once you're out, even if you need to reorder any paperwork you've forgotten etc.

You can do this

OP,
If you call Woman's Aid, they might have some local suggestion of storage.

You certainly are not the first women brave enough to plan an exit.

If not perhaps the police might be able to suggest a safe locker spot.

Please give Woman's Aid a call if only to chat with someone IRL.

Keep posting.
We are willing you free.