Waivering on my plans to leave DH

[namechangeat11pm]

I have been making plans to leave DH after realising he was controlling. I wasn't allowed to work, have friends, see family etc. No DC. No physical abuse. I have somewhere to move into on the 1st September, I have been saving some money away and I don't have much but enough to keep me going for a month or two while I find a job (I hope).

I'm getting cold feet though.

DH has been really lovely to me lately. I was angry at him for a while but he's been being so sweet to me and I feel almost like I've fallen in love with him again? He's planned a date night for us next weekend, to do something I love but he doesn't. My head's a mess and I don't know what to do now. He was never really awful to me for the most part, he just wants everything to be his way all the time. As long as I go along with that then everything's fine.

I just feel like I will have nothing if I leave him. I've always struggled to make friends even before I met him. I have anxiety and he is good at calming me down. I don't really have any family I can turn to. I almost feel like it would be better to stay with him, better the devil I know, than risk being even more miserable on my own.

I don't know what to do. It feels impossible.

You intend to stay with a man who won't 'let' you have a job or friends?
Can you not see how wrong that would be?

Why does he get to make decisions about your life? You only get one precious life; don't let someone else tell you what you can or can't do.

Even if he relented and ‘let’ you have a job, wouldn’t it still be an issue that he stops you seeing friends and family?
Sounds like your September plan is the right one.

You will have everything if you leave him.

It’s interesting to see you say that you will have nothing, he seems to have warped your mind that much that you see him and your life with him as everything and you are codependent.

If you leave, you will have everything because you will open every single door you don’t have now - the opportunity to get a job, to have some independence, to start from scratch with a place of your own, to see your friends, to do everything YOU want to do, to make room for a man that loves and treats you the way you deserve to be treated. To be yourself.

That is everything. I know how overwhelming it is to go in an ‘empty space’ (so to speak) and start over again but it is empty for a reason - to give you space to fill it to the brim with your own colours.

I was there once too, and my thoughts were the same until I made it and realised it was never nothing. It was the exact opposite

Posters who are saying, ' how does he stop op getting a job?' have clearly no idea how controlling or coercive relationships work.

@FlamingGoat your comment shows total lack of understanding of how coercive control works in relationships. You're trivializing op's issues. What a disgrace.

Yep. He knows you're pulling away.

I had this in the days before the plan to leave my exh came to fruition. Mr nasty became polite and considerate.

Keep going , you're almost there. You can make a nice life for yourself , I just know it.

It's no way to live, OP. You get one shot at this life.
Take the opportunity to go. As others have said, this is how he reels you back in.
If a friend or family member told you they 'weren't allowed to work, see friends or family' what would you say to them?

@namechangeat11pm
Yes, keep going op! He knows he's losing control. Keep safe please. I don't want to alarm you, however, leaving an abusive partner is a dangerous time for a woman, please be careful he doesn't come to know of your plans.

Have you got copies of all of your documents put aside op? And someone to help you on the day?

I don't think I'm brave enough to do it. The thought of leaving is making me feel physically sick. I sometimes feel like it would be easier if one of us died. Even if it was me. I don't want to die but I sometimes think that is the only way I'd be free. That sounds so awful doesn't it. But then I think I could live with everything else if I could just have a job.

I've never made any of my own decisions about my life. I ask permission for everything. I grew up in a very strict household where I was really controlled and ended up going straight from that to a serious relationship with DH. I don't know how to decide anything.

He doesn't want you to have any interests outside of his needs.

I was married to a man like that. It gets worse, and then it gets terrifying. He has sensed that you are detaching, so he will do everything in his power to make you stay. It's a trick. Don't be fooled.

Stick to your guns. Get out as soon as you can. Then please get counselling and learn about boundaries and healthy relationships.

I don't understand about the job thing. How does he stop you from having a job? How is that possible?
In practical terms, how is he preventing you from getting a job? Because I can't get my head around how that can be possible.

Dying is not the only way to be free Op. leaving is.

Breaking up a relationship is hard it’s not easy and it will make you feel sick! Totally normal. If you think just getting a job will ease this, you’d be seriously flawed in your thinking. If he can’t control that, he will find another way to control he really will. You will never be happy as long as you stay in that situation

I understand op. Its terrifying being on your own , even if the alternative is living with a control freak.

What you're feeling is last minute nerves. You can absolutely do this. And once you're free you can take baby steps , you will find a job , new friends and most importantly , happiness.

Do you have support from anyone irl?

OP, I am going to play devil's advocate here. If you think the relationship is in a good place right now, and if you think it can be saved, he has changed etc, would you raise the possibility of a job with him now? How do you think he would react to that idea now? That answer tells you everything you need to decide whether or not to stay.

Tell him you are getting a job. Does that make you feel anxious? Then you need to leave.

Contact women's aid, you need support.

@namechangeat11pm

I don't think I'm brave enough to do it. The thought of leaving is making me feel physically sick. I sometimes feel like it would be easier if one of us died. Even if it was me. I don't want to die but I sometimes think that is the only way I'd be free. That sounds so awful doesn't it. But then I think I could live with everything else if I could just have a job.

I've never made any of my own decisions about my life. I ask permission for everything. I grew up in a very strict household where I was really controlled and ended up going straight from that to a serious relationship with DH. I don't know how to decide anything.

That's normal to feel sick and scared about leaving an abuser you're trauma bonded to. You haven't fallen in love with him, you've fallen into another loop of trauma bonding and the dysfunctional euphoria that causes to trap you.

When you go through any challenge - an exam, running a race, performing on stage, escaping a burning building, having life saving surgery, giving a speech, leaving an abuser - your brain and body prepare you.

The feeling we call nerves or excitement or fear is the same thing. Your muscles are getting ready to act, your gut tries to empty so you're not sluggish, your mouth goes dry, adrenaline floods your body. You get that panicked feeling of wanting to run away instead of doing the exam or job interview or surgery.

All normal. All temporary. All survivable.

None of the feelings you're having mean you should stay - they all mean your brain and body are gearing up to enable you to leave successfully.

Once you leave it all drains away, the cycle of fear ends forever, you process the abuse, and then start moving forward.

Staying keeps all the unpleasant feelings going in a perpetual cycle forever. Leaving is what makes you feel better.

FYI, the day I left I had a moment where I felt so consumed by all the emotions and sensations of adrenaline that I felt paralysed and nearly stayed.

But I paused myself, slowed down my breathing and reminded myself of all the reasons why I needed to leave. I pictured what my life would be in 10 years if I stayed to keep being abused - and that felt so absolutely horrendous that I knew I had to keep going and leave because it was the only way I had a chance for life to get better.

If you stay, your life says shit and you have no hope.

Once you leave and you process all the hurt his abuse has caused, life has the opportunity to get better and there is space for hope.

Nobody can give you the courage - you already have it. You just have to decide to follow through instead of coming up with excuses.

Same as with when we do exams - you could make up a bunch of excuses to justify not turning up because you don't want to deal with the nerves and anxiety. Short term that'd make you feel temporarily better because the nerves stop, but long term it makes you feel shit because you just narrowed your options down and restricted your life.

This is the same. If you bail on leaving it will make you feel temporarily relieved at stopping the nerves and then long term it will make life unspeakably shit.

Whereas leaving is tough temporarily and then lightyears better in the long term.

"This is temporary. I can survive this." Every time you waiver.

Keep. Going.

I don't know how to decide anything.

One decision at a time.

You decided to leave, so you sorted out a flat. That's a huge decision!

I once told a counsellor that I couldn't make decisions. She told me to make a note of every single decision I made between that session and the next.

What way to drive home, which tomatoes to buy, what to have for tea, what kind of drink to make. I realised I made all kibds of little decisions all the time.

Your soon to be ex may be making big decisions for you at the moment, by becoming more aware of the little ones you realise that you can make the big ones too.

Have you got everything ready to leave? Go along with him as he's noticed something is different, but please please don't be taken in!

I agree with the others, he's sensed a change in you and is now doing the lovebombing, as nice as that might be that is not the real him. He will act like this for so long and then the mask will slip and by then you may have missed your chance to leave and it will be even harder to do again.

Regarding working, it reads like you previously had a job, did he ask you to leave it? What does he say when you mention working? Is he controlling in other aspects of your relationship- friends, clothing, decision making, etc?

"I wish he would let me have a job"

Just read that sentence. And read it again. Then consider what you'd say to your daughter if she said this to you.

Please PLEASE don't falter now, he's realised he's losing his control on you and he's trying to bring that control back, make you think he's changed. He won't. Be strong. You've got this, and us - if you ever need someone to remind you of that, just come back to MN.

Were you brought up in a strict religious household OP? Did your dad control your mums life?

This man is an abusive bully. I cannot find the words to describe how appalling it is that he won't "let" you work.

Have you told him that you are leaving? If not, I would take special care because I think he's found out. Hence the mask going back on recently to make you think he can change. Log out of all email accounts and change your passwords. Change your phone Pass code too and consider doing a factory reset if he's tech savvy enough to have installed spyware (and it's really not that hard)

No I wasn’t brought up like that. My Dad wasn’t controlling with my Mum, it was the opposite way round really. My mum could be really nasty to us all sometimes but I seemed to get it the worst. They were both just very strict.

I can’t remember who asked but I don’t have any support anywhere else, I’m not close to my family and I don’t have any friends.

Also @chergar yes I did work previously but I ended up giving it up. I have told him I want to find a job but he says things like I don’t need to work or that I wouldn’t have time with helping him or I would have to give up my dogs or I’m ungrateful as lots of women would love to not have to work, things like that

He never liked any of my friends and they’ve gradually all fallen away over the years for various reasons. I can wear what I like but he moans sometimes if I’m not wearing a dress when we go out or if I put on jogger bottoms at home etc

He makes all the decisions. I can suggest things or ask for things but ultimately it’s up to him. He gives me money for shopping and clothes and make up and things.