Waivering on my plans to leave DH

[namechangeat11pm]

I have been making plans to leave DH after realising he was controlling. I wasn't allowed to work, have friends, see family etc. No DC. No physical abuse. I have somewhere to move into on the 1st September, I have been saving some money away and I don't have much but enough to keep me going for a month or two while I find a job (I hope).

I'm getting cold feet though.

DH has been really lovely to me lately. I was angry at him for a while but he's been being so sweet to me and I feel almost like I've fallen in love with him again? He's planned a date night for us next weekend, to do something I love but he doesn't. My head's a mess and I don't know what to do now. He was never really awful to me for the most part, he just wants everything to be his way all the time. As long as I go along with that then everything's fine.

I just feel like I will have nothing if I leave him. I've always struggled to make friends even before I met him. I have anxiety and he is good at calming me down. I don't really have any family I can turn to. I almost feel like it would be better to stay with him, better the devil I know, than risk being even more miserable on my own.

I don't know what to do. It feels impossible.

That severity of control is incredibly far from normal. It’s very very frightening.

Imagine how amazing it would feel to be able to just go and have a bath whenever you feel like it.

Go on - think about that. Hold onto that thought.

That's just one tiny, tiny example of how fantastic your new life is going to be once you are out of the prison he is holding you in.

What a disgusting pig.

He is committing a crime OP.

This is a crime now.

Coercive control.

You are in a highly abusive, controlling relationship.

You could walk into any police station and ask for help.

He is is a very bad man.

Please leave.

It really doesn't matter why he does what he does. Stop using head space to try and work that out.

What matters is how you feel. You shouldn't have to walk on eggshells in your own home. Strip away thoughts of why he does what he does and focus on how you feel. One step at a time. You've taken some pretty big ones. It's normal to feel uncertain when facing a huge change. But remember the definition of insanity... doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. You need to change things to change how you feel as a person. You can be happy. But not with him. Not ever.

My 8 year old will go for a shit in the other toilet if I'm running a bath for Christ's sake.

He’s abusive and being nicer is part of manipulating you

@namechangeat11pm, I absolutely know how you feel. Anyone who hasn’t been in a controlling relationship has no idea how it is.

Posters who say “well how does he stop you getting a job?” don’t understand the ways these men manipulate and erode your confidence in order to maintain control. When I applied for a job a few years ago, my h said “well I can’t imagine you’ll get it”. I did. When I subsequently set up a small business related to a hobby, he said “I can’t imagine anyone will buy anything you make”. They did and still do.

I’m still with him, and still planning my escape, but mumsnet has taught me a lot, and this quote from a few years ago rings very true for me:

“He has you in a cage. If you step out of it he makes your life hell so it's easier for you to stay in it.

Except you die in it. Inwardly."

for you, and good luck.

[quote Slingsanderrors]@namechangeat11pm, I absolutely know how you feel. Anyone who hasn’t been in a controlling relationship has no idea how it is.

Posters who say “well how does he stop you getting a job?” don’t understand the ways these men manipulate and erode your confidence in order to maintain control. When I applied for a job a few years ago, my h said “well I can’t imagine you’ll get it”. I did. When I subsequently set up a small business related to a hobby, he said “I can’t imagine anyone will buy anything you make”. They did and still do.

I’m still with him, and still planning my escape, but mumsnet has taught me a lot, and this quote from a few years ago rings very true for me:

“He has you in a cage. If you step out of it he makes your life hell so it's easier for you to stay in it.

Except you die in it. Inwardly."

for you, and good luck.[/quote]
I think I remember your posts slings. Good to hear you are ok and looking to the future.

That conversation about the bath is really chilling.
Everyone here is telling you that this is absolutely not normal, OP. His behaviour will destroy you, and you deserve better.

That you have a plan in place and somewhere to go speaks volumes about your strength. Many women in your situation can't manage to even get close to that. You can do this. You absolutely can.

I know that having to wait five weeks before the place is available is really hard. The build up to anything scary is actually worse than doing it. But please focus on all the good that awaits you. Having a bath when you want. Eating what you want when you want, getting up when you want, getting a job...it's all out there and it will all be yours in five weeks.

If you phone Womens Aid they might be able to get you a shelter place to tide you over until your flat is ready.

I second phoning women's aid , they are amazing. So amazing that after I left abusive exh I set up a dd to show my gratitude. You've done amazingly on your own , you really have op , but let them support you in these few weeks before you start your new life.

He goes for a shit to stop you having a bath at a time he had already decided. Now go back and read your OP, namechange. As others have said, he's just using the nice guy thing to keep you hooked. As soon as you give up the chance to leave on 1st September he'll drop the niceness like a stone.

I understand you feel hesitant about leaving and having no-one but you'll be surprised at the difference once you become yourself again, you'll have the chance to meet people, get a job and live your life. You'll look back at this time and wonder how on earth it all happened.

Please, please contact Women's Aid. Even if you've spoken to them before, they're there for women in your position, they want to help you.

he just wants everything to be his way all the time. As long as I go along with that then everything's fine

I wish he would let me have a job

OP this is not the behaviour of a loving partner. As others have said I'm certain he's sensed he's loosing you and is cranking up the good attention.

I know the thought of leaving is terrifying - I've been there - but this is a really toxic relationship that will not improve and very likely will get worse. You deserve soooo much more.

Thank you for all your kind replies.

I know in my head, I know that it's not normal and not okay and I would be horrified at the thought of someone else being in this situation.

But to me, it just feels normal. I really struggle to see it as that bad. He doesn't hit me, he gives me money. He says he does the things he does because he just wants us to be together. He always tells me he's not controlling, like some men are, and if I brought up the bath time thing he would either laugh it off or just say that he didn't want me to get in because he wanted me to spend time with him. Is that so bad in a relationship, we all want to spend time with our partners?

When I have mentioned things he's done to my Mum or when I used to have a friend or to his brother, they all dismiss it as just him being him. He's just a bit bossy. They all think I'm overreacting and I have a nice life and I'm just nitpicking or something. How do I know I'm not?

For example, I'm reading the Lundy Bancroft book and the categories of types of abusers and I don't feel like he really fits into one of those. Sometimes a sentence will stand out to me but overall I think that he doesn't sound as bad as most of these.

I do understand op. I always felt that my husband couldn't possibly be abusive because he didnt hit me. He did , however , control my time constantly in subtle ways. For example , and this'll possibly sound trivial , but I often felt like I couldn't leave the house as he would phone me from work several times a day and ask me to log into the PC to check something for him. If I said I couldn't as I was out he'd simply say fine and sigh. But then go on to ignore me for the entire evening once he was home in order to punish me. I hated my phone as it felt like a tool used to abuse and stifle me.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is that any action that makes you feel anxious or controlled is wrong and it mustn't be tolerated.

Op he doesn't hit you because he doesn't need to, he has you where he wants you, he doesn't need to excalate his abuse. This level of abuse works just fine for his purposes of controlling you.

OP,

You have been told our view of your husband.

Talk yourself out of leaving if that is what you want to do.

That is your choice.

You are the one living your life.

If this is what you want forever, that is YOUR choice.

For me and the other posters, he sounds like a disgusting, nasty, selfish, controlling, PIG.

Him rushing to use the loo before you bathed, is utterly repulsive.....and that is the least of it.

He's just a bit bossy. They all think I'm overreacting and I have a nice life and I'm just nitpicking or something. How do I know I'm not?

Because there are countless people on here who have been in your situation that are telling you he is 100% abusive!!!!
It's not normal to not allow your partner to get a job and it's not normal to dictate a precise time to take a bath! That's just two examples you've given us.

He doesn't hit me

Because you've always done as you're told by him, if you hadn't then you have no idea what a man this chillingly controlling is capable of. That's why you need to get out safely as planned, stick to the plan.

he gives me money.

He needs to because he won't 'let' you earn your own

He says he does the things he does because he just wants us to be together.

So he doesn't care what you want? What if YOU want different?

He has taken up so much space in your physical life and in your head that he's left you no room to step back and think about what you want. What you can have - FREEDOM.

You've done so well to plan your escape from there. Be proud of yourself and please don't change your mind, you could be so happy without him.

Are there children involved at all?

OP even if he “let” you have a job it wouldn’t help as long as you still lived with him. He would influence (actually control) what you wore because he wouldn’t want another man fancying you ( you are his property). You would get grilled daily about your coworkers, customers, randoms in case one was a man or a woman you might befriend who would see through his crap. If you were 5 mins later home than was normal he would be accusing you of seeing other men, that’s if he didn’t insist on dropping you off and picking you up from work just so you didn’t have to get public transport ( actually to stop you seeing other men). He would sabotage you working you might find your keys/ purse/ phone missing when you knew you had put them safely in your work bag. He might phone you / text you / message you randomly while you are at work and if you don’t respond he might invent an emergency so he phones your work to pass on an important message ( actually check you are there). You wouldn’t be allowed to go on work nights out as he would miss you too much ( you might remember how much fun you can have when he’s not there). I know a woman who experienced all of these when she insisted on working despite her DH being controlling. She eventually left and moved 200 miles away.

@Maskedrevenger

OP even if he “let” you have a job it wouldn’t help as long as you still lived with him. He would influence (actually control) what you wore because he wouldn’t want another man fancying you ( you are his property). You would get grilled daily about your coworkers, customers, randoms in case one was a man or a woman you might befriend who would see through his crap. If you were 5 mins later home than was normal he would be accusing you of seeing other men, that’s if he didn’t insist on dropping you off and picking you up from work just so you didn’t have to get public transport ( actually to stop you seeing other men). He would sabotage you working you might find your keys/ purse/ phone missing when you knew you had put them safely in your work bag. He might phone you / text you / message you randomly while you are at work and if you don’t respond he might invent an emergency so he phones your work to pass on an important message ( actually check you are there). You wouldn’t be allowed to go on work nights out as he would miss you too much ( you might remember how much fun you can have when he’s not there). I know a woman who experienced all of these when she insisted on working despite her DH being controlling. She eventually left and moved 200 miles away.

This is all so true. Please read this OP.

You cannot be a little bit safe or a little bit happy with an abuser. It is black and white.

They won't give you a little bit of freedom (not that they have the right to anyway), not really, because they will make the price of that freedom too hard to bear - emotional blackmail, punishment etc as outline articulately by that poster.

You must stick to the plan.

Your partner reminds me of a character in a book by Lisa Jewell , it's called Vince and Joy. The main female character marries a controlling man , he basically crushes her spirit in similar ways to your partner. Her friends won't go to her house as he's so cold , and she is told what time to go to bed etc. He's definitely abusive , but to her doesn't seem 'that bad' as he doesn't shout or use physical violence. It might be worth a read op , it's a positive and uplifting book.

But to me, it just feels normal. I really struggle to see it as that bad.

That's because you have been groomed to accept his behaviour. Your parents' relationship helped with this, they showed you what an unhealthy relationship is like and that is your norm.

When I have mentioned things he's done to my Mum or when I used to have a friend or to his brother, they all dismiss it as just him being him. He's just a bit bossy. They all think I'm overreacting and I have a nice life and I'm just nitpicking or something.

Nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors. Those of us who have been in abusive relationships believe you, we know what it's like. I have found only those women are the ones who understand. It's easier for your mum and others to blame you for overreacting than to face up to the fact you are being abused. They are basically enabling him.

How do I know I'm not?

You do know you're not but also listen to our voices of experience, please speak to Women's Aid, we want to help you live a life without abuse

There are no children involved, no.

I know I need to leave him. When I imagine myself past that point, living on my own, the thought makes me feel happy. I think I'm just having a wobble over the scariness of it. I'm scared of the actual leaving, of telling him I'm going/have gone, and what will happen and how he'll handle it.

Him not hitting you is a really really low bar to set in a relationship.