Waivering on my plans to leave DH

[namechangeat11pm]

I have been making plans to leave DH after realising he was controlling. I wasn't allowed to work, have friends, see family etc. No DC. No physical abuse. I have somewhere to move into on the 1st September, I have been saving some money away and I don't have much but enough to keep me going for a month or two while I find a job (I hope).

I'm getting cold feet though.

DH has been really lovely to me lately. I was angry at him for a while but he's been being so sweet to me and I feel almost like I've fallen in love with him again? He's planned a date night for us next weekend, to do something I love but he doesn't. My head's a mess and I don't know what to do now. He was never really awful to me for the most part, he just wants everything to be his way all the time. As long as I go along with that then everything's fine.

I just feel like I will have nothing if I leave him. I've always struggled to make friends even before I met him. I have anxiety and he is good at calming me down. I don't really have any family I can turn to. I almost feel like it would be better to stay with him, better the devil I know, than risk being even more miserable on my own.

I don't know what to do. It feels impossible.

He always tells me he's not controlling, like some men are, and if I brought up the bath time thing he would either laugh it off or just say that he didn't want me to get in because he wanted me to spend time with him. Is that so bad in a relationship, we all want to spend time with our partners?

The critical difference here @namechangeat11pm is that most people have an equal choice about if and when they spend time with others. You have no choice. You do as you are told by your partner. You are not equal to him.

Don't tell him you are going. Just do it. Your plan sounds good as long as you are sure none of the neighbours will alert him to your packing if they see the van?

@namechangeat11pm

I'd be worried about leaving my passport etc in a locker, in case it got stolen.

As a backup, OP, photograph your important documents (eg passport, marriage certificate, financial or tax information and store that information on the Cloud as well as a new email account - neither of which he has the password for. Therefore if those documents went missing for any reason you'd still have the details and make getting them replaced (especially your passport) easier to replace. The financial/tax info/NI number will also make your life easier when you get your new job.

Also see if your bank or solicitor will hold the originals of those documents safe for you in the interim?

Good luck my dear - you will get there but need to stay strong a while longer. The rewards will be worth it. 🌹

Please keep pushing ahead with your plans for freedom. You have been so strong to get this far. You can do this. You have more strength than you realise. He has totally conditioned you, but your new happy life is just around the corner 💐

Dear Op,

You are being so strong and brave. It sounds like you have made a lot of decisions already.

I would second the posters saying don’t tell him. You know in your heart he will react badly, will manipulate you to stay or he could even ramp up the control and lash out physically.

I left my STBXH about 5 months ago. I left without telling him while he was away for a few days. I didn’t even have much of a plan. I just booked an AirBnB for 3 weeks and then took it from there. I still feel guilty about doing it but l know if l had sat him down to tell him l would have fallen back into old patterns and been manipulated by him to stay.

I didn’t have much of a support network either and l have had some lonely times and dark days BUT l have never wanted to return.

Once you are out, make sure you join one or two groups that meet regularly. I joined a walking group and a film club. There are also many online support groups or book clubs. Possibly volunteer. Job hunting will take up a lot of energy. It feels daunting but you can do it. One baby step at a time.

You will be amazed how your life will open up. Keep going - you are doing so well xx

@billy1966

OP, If you call Woman's Aid, they might have some local suggestion of storage.

You certainly are not the first women brave enough to plan an exit.

If not perhaps the police might be able to suggest a safe locker spot.

Please give Woman's Aid a call if only to chat with someone IRL.

Keep posting.
We are willing you free.

This. You sound like you've got a good plan in place, namechange, but I really think having the support of WA would make it all so much easier for you. You'll feel all the stronger for it, just when you need that strength

Heaps of luck OP. I left an abusive man several years ago. I got my life back and now I have a degree, a job I love and a family and a husband who supports me and some friends too

You can do this.

It will be worth all the effort and nausea and palpitations and pretending everything’s fine and all the other stuff you’re going through to get to freedom.

Do you really have all that @Dancedancedancedancedance ? Can I ask how old you were when you left?

One of the things that has held me back all this time is thinking that I'm giving up my chances of ever having a husband, or a family. I imagine everything will be worse, sometimes it feels like despite how miserable it makes me sometimes, that he is the only good thing in my life because I need him for everything so when I leave okay I will be free and in some ways my life will be better but also in some ways it will be worse, because we do laugh together sometimes, we can talk about anything and everything, I am almost resigned to the fact that I would never have that again? Does that make sense?

And not just about him but he has also, he has often told me how rubbish I am at everything except being his wife, so I can never imagine myself ever doing anything more than an entry level/minimum wage type of job, like I don't ever expect that I could have any more than that.

@namechangeat11pm

And not just about him but he has also, he has often told me how rubbish I am at everything except being his wife, so I can never imagine myself ever doing anything more than an entry level/minimum wage type of job, like I don't ever expect that I could have any more than that.

You feel that way because he has made you feel that way. He has destroyed your self esteem because it suits him to have you like that. He has you believing that life with him is the best you can ever hope for.

He's wrong. He knows it too.

OP, I left my husband ten years ago now. Ten years, I can hardly believe it!!

My life is so different. I was physically ill with so many little ailments caused by the stress of living with him.

I have a BA and MA now, I run my own business. I decide what I'm going to do and can do anything I want.

My husband was very supportive with words, but undermined everything I did to the extent that when I volunteered for a charity I ended up stopping because he wore me down. I got another voluntary job (because I believed no one would actually employ me because I was so unreliable) and they were so impressed with me they encouraged me to go for a management job with them!! I thought they were crazy!

My husband kept reiterating to me that despite being intelligent it was a shame I could never complete anything. It kept happening, so I thought he was right. I thought it was me. It took me ages to realise it was his psychological abuse. Whilst I was with him I gave up on two degrees, and the third time it almost happened I knew it had to be different and begged the university to let me try again. And I knew if they let me I had to be really brave and leave him, because subconsciously I knew it was him.

It was hard, very hard afterwards. But it was so so worth it!!!!!

Your life will be amazing OP, it really will. Sure, there'll be difficult times, but you will be living how you want to live, and in a few years you'll look back and laugh about this awful man caught up in his nasty ways whilst you're running free!

Part of his control is to tell you that you are rubbish at everything.

Hevis hardly going to be telling you that you are brilliant and can do anything you set your mind to?

Why would he? He wants you sitting at home, alone, waiting for him.

Your life will be amazing if that is what YOU want.

You can do anything.
Your life will be so much better.

Even if you are on an entry level minimum wage job it would still be better than staying with him, you would be earning your own money and self sufficient.
He is trying to grind you down to believe that you're nothing more than his wife.
You are so much more and can do great things, if you leave him.

You’re so brave op, you’re going to be absolutely amazing I can feel it. He doesn’t deserve you in the slightest and he knows it, that’s why he controls you. Please keep us updated, I know you have a few weeks but if you feel yourself wavering just come back here and we’ll all support you.

I imagine everything will be worse, sometimes it feels like despite how miserable it makes me sometimes, that he is the only good thing in my life because I need him for everything so when I leave okay I will be free and in some ways my life will be better but also in some ways it will be worse, because we do laugh together sometimes, we can talk about anything and everything, I am almost resigned to the fact that I would never have that again? Does that make sense?

Oh yes, it does. My husband was my everything. I knew he was abusive, but I put up with it because it was all I knew, it was what I had seen growing up. When he was leaving he said "Make sure I'm the first person you call, for anything". I have never called him, for anything. I have pleasantly surprised myself how well I've managed doing things he always did. If I can't do it I'll get someone who can.

I understand what you mean about the good times, the in jokes that you have when you've been with someone for a long time. To me now, that was all a sham. All of my husband's interactions with me were about keeping me where he wanted me. It's the same with yours, the fun you have with him is his way of keeping you where he wants you. The fun is him rewarding you before he belittles you, oh so subtly.

You are worth so much more than him, namechange. You will become yourself again, you will blossom. Stay strong, please call Women's Aid, and keep posting

Before you leave, make sure he can’t track your phone. Turn off Location. He might use Find my Phone app.

How is it going OP?

Bless you, that story about the bath made me feel sick.
I left in secret - the stomach-churning anxiety beforehand was horrendous - but I have never doubted I did the right thing. I have occasionally been sad that our marriage didn't work out - but that's totally different to wishing I was back with him. The cycle of crash and blame/sulk/control to honeymoon is exhausting. What everyone has said 100% - he's sensing that there's something different about you and is pulling out the stops to up his control.
You have an absolute right to live your life the way you want to - with a job, with work clothes, with friends, with time apart from him. No resasonable partner would ask someone to live the way you are against your will.

I went to see someone who is a sort of friend today, I feel like I'm so desperate to talk to someone about all this, and I admitted I had had a couple of interviews and I always felt so mixed up about what to do because DH doesn't want me to get a job.

She's so lovely but she said that I was focusing too much on what I don't have and should be more grateful for what I do have - a husband who loves me, financially okay, nice house, nice car, etc etc

I feel so stuck and I know everyone will get sick of telling me the same thing over and over again, that I should leave. I know that it will probably be the only thing that will bring me peace. If I don't leave I think I will be stuck in this limbo forever. But what if she's right and it's the wrong thing to do?

I can't sleep and when I do I have nightmares because I'm just fretting over all this so much.

Your friend/associate was well-intentioned but does not have the full picture. Just because some of us sometimes think how lovely it would be NOT to have to work is very different from being co-erced into not working. What is a nice car/house if you are unhappy and unfulfilled?
I left my partner after 25 years of DA. He was not always horrible. That's why it took so long. But eventually, I realised that the choice was to leave or to live with the certain knowledge that there would ALWAYS be another incident of breakages/verbal and physical abuse. And I wasn't prepared to live waiting for it.

@twillow yes I suppose that's true, she doesn't and will just be basing her thoughts on the (false) happy picture that I've projected for years.

The thought of giving up everything like the house and car used to be enough to make me not even consider it, but honestly now, I couldn't care less. The place I've lined up to move into is honestly tiny, it's in an area I was always really snobby about, but I went to look round it and I just really could not love it more. I don't care about any of the "stuff" anymore.

I've never thought of it that way about it being certain knowledge that there will always be something else. When things are good between us it's like I forget they ever weren't and I think this will be it forever. But if I'm honest with myself, I've been going through this for years. I remember dropping hints to my Dad about moving back home a couple of months after I moved out. On my wedding day, thinking I shouldn't do it. Countless times since. I really need to learn to listen to myself.

Oh lovely, I so feel for you. But you know you need to leave him, don’t you, if you are to have any kind of life being you, the real you, and not this shadow of a person.

Just think. From September, you could go out and look for a job. You can have a bath at whatever time you please. You can choose to have curry for tea, or a giant sharing bag of crisps, or cheese and pickle sandwiches. You can wear jogging bottoms or pjs if you feel like it, or go for a walk and discover the area around your home.

Freedom to be you is waiting for you x

Unless you have been as open with a friend irl as you have been able to be on here they will probably think you are just having a momentary wobble and are seeking to reassure you. If you were fully able to share your fears and anxieties about the true nature of the abusive relationship you are in with them, I know that they would advise you to leave. I mentioned upthread about the experiences of a woman I knew who carried on working despite her husbands objections but what I didn’t say in my previous post was that the thing that really pushed her to leave and move hundreds of miles away was that when he started to feel his control over her slipping away he started to really up his behaviour. He started sexually coercing her to have sex daily ( so that she wouldn’t be so tempted to have an affair with any one she worked with) which moved on to sexual abuse and ultimately rape please don’t wait around to have this happen to you. Your husband is not lovely at all despite what your “ friend” says and he may very well escalate his behaviour if you try to stand up for yourself. A gilded cage is still a cage and you are still trapped in it along with your abuser, no house or car or money is worth staying in this situation for, you are now realising that this relationship is not a good or safe space for you and never was even at the start. Be brave you can do this.

I'm really happy to read your last two posts op. Firstly , you're getting out and about with people other than your partner. Secondly , you spoke really positively about your new place.

The disturbed sleep is unfortunately inevitable at a time like this , especially as you're living in a weird kind of limbo right now. But do keep going. Just think of the restful evenings and nights you can have once you're settled in your new home.

Thank you for continuing to post. I , like many others here , am really rooting for you! I look forward to reading your post telling us that you're all moved in and have a takeaway on lap whilst watching your favourite TV show.

I was you 15 years ago op. Stuck , miserable , struggling with feelings of fear and hopelessness. I got out though , found new friends , started enjoying life , had some wonderful success at work , and even remarried after several years.

Your friend is wrong, namechange. It may look like a nice house, nice car, etc, but she has no idea what it's like to be you, living in that house with that 'man'.

You would be better concentrating on what you could have - freedom to do what you want, when you want, with whom you want. Freedom to talk about what your life is really like, not covering up for your abuser.

Have you thought about asking Women's Aid for support? I know I keep going on about them but I think they would make such a difference to what you're going through.

OP something I have learned (and it took me YEARS) is that one of the biggest pulls to staying in a toxic relationship is sunk cost fallacy. This has held me back more than anything. Not just the financial investment we've made as a couple - the house/the car/the things that outwardly made you look and feels as though you have made a succes of your life (although this is also psychologically a very strong pull and hard to relinquish), but for me the emotional sunk costs. The years I put up with stuff, the holidays, the fights, the ruined birthdays etc. If you leave - that was all for nothing.

But mostly (in my case) it was about the 'shared history'. Thinking along the lines of 'If i am ever with someone else, they won't be the father of my children. They won't have known my parents (now deceased). They won't remember that time we went to India for two months. How will I EVER be that close to anyone else?'

But you have to change your mindset. A bad relationship is like investing in a pyramid scheme. It looks great and initially all the rewards are there for you to see, but then it starts to go bad but you keep investing because you've 'started now' and you just end up investing more and more because otherwise it's all been for nothing. The BEST thing to do with a bad investment is to cut your losses and walk away, head high because the sooner you do that, the quicker you can make a better investment. In your case, it's time to invest in yourself and your life.

And as for the shared history thing. You will make new memories. And they won't be tarnished. It's bad. It won't get better so the quicker you move on, the faster the new happiness starts.

I know you didn't ask that, but I see you wavering and understanding this was game changer for me. Good luck OP.