Waivering on my plans to leave DH

[namechangeat11pm]

I have been making plans to leave DH after realising he was controlling. I wasn't allowed to work, have friends, see family etc. No DC. No physical abuse. I have somewhere to move into on the 1st September, I have been saving some money away and I don't have much but enough to keep me going for a month or two while I find a job (I hope).

I'm getting cold feet though.

DH has been really lovely to me lately. I was angry at him for a while but he's been being so sweet to me and I feel almost like I've fallen in love with him again? He's planned a date night for us next weekend, to do something I love but he doesn't. My head's a mess and I don't know what to do now. He was never really awful to me for the most part, he just wants everything to be his way all the time. As long as I go along with that then everything's fine.

I just feel like I will have nothing if I leave him. I've always struggled to make friends even before I met him. I have anxiety and he is good at calming me down. I don't really have any family I can turn to. I almost feel like it would be better to stay with him, better the devil I know, than risk being even more miserable on my own.

I don't know what to do. It feels impossible.

Would you consider contacting any of your old friends @namechangeat11pm ?

I can’t @HappyWipings, it’s been years. I didn’t have a lot to begin with. I haven’t spoken to any of them in at least five years. We sometimes see some of DHs colleagues socially but I couldn’t call them friends or trust things wouldn’t get back to DH.

I can’t understand why he’s like this sometimes. I think tonight has been a good reminder of him for me actually. I need to get in the bath, but I’m not allowed to go and get in until 7:36pm. Why would anyone care what time their partner got in the bath?

@namechangeat11pm

I can’t understand why he’s like this sometimes. I think tonight has been a good reminder of him for me actually. I need to get in the bath, but I’m not allowed to go and get in until 7:36pm. Why would anyone care what time their partner got in the bath?

Only an abuser, a serious abuser meeting the legal threshold of coercive control would control the time their partner is 'allowed' to wash or say if they 'let' them work.

He's literally committing crimes against you OP.

I would imagine he is sexually coercive as well as emotionally and financially?

I wish I knew you so I could scoop you up out of there away from this monster.

I don't know op , a person should bathe whenever they please. Also , you're right to not trust your husband's friends.

Please keep talking to us , if you'd like to. A lot of us have been where you are and do understand how lonely it can be.

To echo PP do not trust your husband's friends or family with this stuff - it's amazing how manipulative men like him can be so even if you told them and they took it in good faith, he would be able to turn it around into 'I'm worried about her, she's fragile' etc.

You are not a fundamentally weak person. He has weakened you with relentless coercive control and you are worn down, it's death by a thousand papercuts.

Talk us through the Bath conversation for example - did you feel you had to ask him if you could have a bath? When he said that specific time did you feel unable to tell him it's absolutely mental he's dictating the time you wash your own body? What reaction does he give when you say no to a demand? Sulking / shouting / ignoring you?

He is abusive. Chillingly so, from your bath update. You poor thing.

Your above post about not been allowed in the bath until 7:36pm is the perfect example of why you need to move into your own place in September, it's less than 5 weeks away. You will be able to choose to do what you want when you want, without anyone telling you what you can or can't do.
You have said in a post that you went from a controlling upbringing to a controlling husband so you didn't have time to be independent for yourself but now this is your time! It will be terrifying but there's wonderful things to come for you if you take these steps. The best thing is to take any job for now that will pay for your place and living expenses to begin with, gain your independence and great things will happen. Even if it's hard to talk to anyone in real life, online forums will be full of support, advice and guidance for you, and there will always be people available online.

If you stay with him, don't expect anything to change. He will still control and suffocate you, and in five or ten years down the line you'll still be in this situation and wishing you had left.
There is nothing more empowering or liberating than freedom. I have created a lovely way of life for myself, and you could too, if you had the courage.

That post about your bath time is one of the most chilling things I have ever read on Mumsnet. Get out of that relationship. Take that flat. Get a shedload of therapy - you need and deserve it. Then start reaching out to the world - volunteering is a good way to meet people and gain confidence. You've had an awful start in life and it will take time to build yourself up - but be the butterfly that's just waiting to come out.

OP recently one of my team helped get a woman into the when she disclosed that her partner told her what time she could bathe and had taken the internal doors off so he could see where she was. We relocated her in a completely different part of the country. I worked with victims and perpetrators for many years and that survivors level of control over minute things isn't common. Control often stems from sexual jealousy (not an excuse there's just often a link), but this isn't that, he isn't allowing you to wash. You need to imagine what it will feel like, getting up in the morning showering when you like, getting dressed in whatever you want, getting ready for work, buying that coffee at the station, browsing your phone or reading on the commute, getting to work where you are valuable, you'll meet people, you'll have social interactions and purpose. When you leave for the day you can do what you like, go for a run, join a class/club, visit a gallery, museum, pub, anything at all, then go home to your own home where you make your own choices, you want a bag of Doritos and a glass of wine for dinner, do it. Have a bath at midnight if you feel like it, go to bed with a clear head and no heavy feeling on your shoulders. That's what you need to focus on.

*refuge

@youvegottenminuteslynn we had our tea and I said I needed to get a bath tonight to wash my hair, and he said “you can get in tomorrow can’t you” and I said no I needed to get in tonight because I had to wash a conditioning mask out that I put on earlier. Then he said “well you can get in later then” and I said “not too much later, I don’t want my hair to be really wet when I go to bed” he checked the time and he said “okay go in at 8 then” and I said that’s still a bit late so he said “okay, you can get in at 7:36 then”.

This is probably tmi I’m sorry but I haven’t gotten in yet because it got to a couple of minutes before 7:36 we were chatting but he got up out of nowhere and shot off upstairs and said “I’m just going to have a shit quickly before you get in the bath” we have two toilets and I said “what?! Just go in the other one!” But he just ran off. I’m sorry, that’s disgusting but I feel like it’s relevant because I think he did it on purpose.

Oh you poor love.

This is chillingly controlling. What has happened when you haven't done what he has told you to do?

Does he work from home ?

It is relevant, he told you that you should have your bath later and you negotiated it. He is showing you that either you have a bath tomorrow (as he originally stated) or you go to bed with wet hair, and you shouldn’t have put the hair mask on.
This is not okay

I can’t understand why he’s like this sometimes.

OP, please, you don't need to understand him. Abusers can tie up their victims for decades this way.
It makes no different why he behaves this way, only that he is choosing to do it. It is an active decision he makes every time to hurt and control you.

Please read Lundy Bancroft Why Does He Do That www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656
There are pdfs if you google them.

He sounds awful. Please please leave. You have support from people on here, lots who will have been in the same situation as you.
You can do it

[quote namechangeat11pm]@youvegottenminuteslynn we had our tea and I said I needed to get a bath tonight to wash my hair, and he said “you can get in tomorrow can’t you” and I said no I needed to get in tonight because I had to wash a conditioning mask out that I put on earlier. Then he said “well you can get in later then” and I said “not too much later, I don’t want my hair to be really wet when I go to bed” he checked the time and he said “okay go in at 8 then” and I said that’s still a bit late so he said “okay, you can get in at 7:36 then”.

This is probably tmi I’m sorry but I haven’t gotten in yet because it got to a couple of minutes before 7:36 we were chatting but he got up out of nowhere and shot off upstairs and said “I’m just going to have a shit quickly before you get in the bath” we have two toilets and I said “what?! Just go in the other one!” But he just ran off. I’m sorry, that’s disgusting but I feel like it’s relevant because I think he did it on purpose.[/quote]
Oh my love, I wish we could all scoop you up out of there right now.

Of course he did it on purpose. He is constantly doing things that unsettle you and make you question yourself / question what is normal so that you'll stay confused and paralysed this way.

He is a disgrace. You must leave him.

Imagine, your own place, even a tiny little place to start with - where you can shower, bathe, eat, drink, chill, go to bed etc when YOU want to. Because you are autonomous and don't have to justify yourself to him.

Are there any kids involved in the situation at all?

I'm so glad you've posted, please let us be your support system to get you out of there and not second guess your decision to leave.

DH has been really lovely to me lately. I was angry at him for a while but he's been being so sweet to me and I feel almost like I've fallen in love with him again?

I would make a solid bet he either knows or suspects you're leaving. If you pull out now give him a month and he will be back by to his usual behaviour.

I just wish he would let me have a job

Just read that back, you think being with someone who controls your every move is better than being alone!!?

I despair when I read this sort of thing truly I do.

Hi OP,

I totally understand your reluctance to leave – it feels so difficult when you feel isolated. Please feel free to send me a message if you fancy a chat.

I know this is easy to say as an outsider who isn't living your life but his behaviour is not normal.
You will never understand why he does these things as that is his intention, to keep you confused and looking for faults in yourself.
Dictating bath times is a horrible thing to do and using the toilet before you get in the bath is just another way he is controlling you. There was no need for him to do that as you have another toilet.

You said earlier he was being nice and you were falling in love again, he has not changed, he is as controlling and horrible as ever. He won't keep any of his promises and will gaslight you if you bing up things like the date night.

Stick to your original plan of leaving, in the meantime get all your important documents together and try and get some money to tide you over until you get a job.

There has been loads of good advice on here and in previous threads about planning your escape. I am not saying it will be easy but it will be worth it.

Good luck @namechangeat11pm

Think about where you'll be 5, or 10, or 20 years down the line, is this acceptable as how you will have lived your life? Life really is short & it's a gift, please try to make the most of it! Making change happen now will be hard but so worth it in the long run.

The more normal reaction to you wanting to have a bath would be to offer to bring you up a cuppa or glass of wine to enjoy while you're in there, NOT to go and take a crap to stop you going in there.

Sending hugs, , & if you need someone to explicitly state it, you have permission for you to put yourself first! Take care of you!!!

I can’t understand why he’s like this sometimes. I think tonight has been a good reminder of him for me actually. I need to get in the bath, but I’m not allowed to go and get in until 7:36pm. Why would anyone care what time their partner got in the bath?

This is where you are going wrong. There isn't any reason in the unreasonable. He wants you under his thumb for no other reason that he can and by all accounts he has you well and truly squashed.

You were a whole person before you met him and you will be a whole person after you leave.

As far as anxiety goes all this day to day bullshit will amplify it 100 times over. Leave for your freedom and leave for your peace.

@namechangeat11pm

I can’t understand why he’s like this sometimes. I think tonight has been a good reminder of him for me actually. I need to get in the bath, but I’m not allowed to go and get in until 7:36pm. Why would anyone care what time their partner got in the bath?

WTF?????

Have you posted recently under a different user name?

Are you the poster who was offered a job but turned it down under pressure? Or the different poster who has to sit with her H whilst he works at the table and get up at 6am at the weekend just because he does?

These are all examples of EXTREME coercive control and even if they weren't you, every single one of your posts - even before you you got to the bath - is chilling and clearly illustrative of an horrifically abusive relationship.

I know it feels like you don't know how to 'be' on your own, but you are not tied to this monster. You really aren't. It might take a few weeks or even months to get your confidence in being alone, but boy, will it be worth it. There is a whole world of freedom just waiting for you. Please don't waiver - the nice behaviour now is TEXTBOOK abusive reaction to sensing that you are planning something. Literally textbook.

He will soon show his true colours, please don't lose momentum before he does. I wish you so much luck.

Your life will be so much better when you can do what you want. What would happen if you got a job and casually said, by the way I start work on Monday. If you are scared of how he would react that is very controlling.