Has he moved in (by stealth)?

[blackandwhite1]

I was having a conversation with my friend yesterday who said she didn't realise my DP had officially moved in. I said he hasn't. But her reply has got me wondering if my DP has pretty much moved in by stealth, or whether he is just here a lot.

He stays anywhere between 5 and 7 nights a week. He will get up in the morning, go to work (he's working from home), then come back to mine just before dinner. And repeat.

He doesn't have any clothes etc here, just a spare pair of underwear. I do give him dinner in the evenings. He won't shower here during the week, just when he's at mine for the weekend. He spends every other weekend at mine (he has his DC the other weekends).

Does this sound like he's basically living at mine?

OP, by comparison I do not live with my DP but he visits twice in the week and stays at weekends. He buys two foodshops and a takeaway a month (approximately £200), helps with occassional school runs plus fixes my house & car things as he's very practical and he pays every other time (so 50.50) when we go out with my 2DCs. We are talking about moving in and he's happy to pay more than 50.50 bills as has a higher income.

I think your DP knows he could contribute, but unless you say anything he won't.

Throw this one back. Lazy tight waster who runs home to mummy for his dinner every night. Yuck.

You have DC, don't set this example for them.

You seem to have got yourself an extra DC, not a partner.

[quote blackandwhite1]@GreyhoundG1rl I did. He was picking away at them absentmindedly and looked surprised when I pointed out he'd eaten them all. Very apologetic, said he'd replace them. He didn't. [/quote]
This sums him up. He will be apologetic but do fuck all about it. Dump.

@MarleneDietrichsSmile

Well, it depends what you get back for it

A friend of mine had this happen to her, but she made the conscious decision she was happy with the set up, as he made a big fuss of her (flowers, meals out, presents), did lots of DIY in the house, dealt with her paperwork. She said she was tired of being a modern woman and loved loved loved feeling looked after by him.

So as a pay-off, she cooked for him and he moved in bit by bit

They are both happy

If he makes you happy, maybe just have a chat Labour food bills, but leave it at that

Just be honest with yourself about what you are getting out of it

Sorry .... he 'dealt' with her paperwork ? like Bills Bank Statements 😳

@SpindleWhorl

he started referring to the spare room as his dressing room

Sorry, @Esspee but this has really tickled me for some reason. Did you marry him? Is he still there, wearing a smoking jacket for informal dinners at home?

No, not married @SpindleWhorl but he’s a keeper.😁 Fantastic cook, buys all the groceries, contributes generously to the household bills, does the DIY, helps with the housework, happily puts on and hangs out the laundry, cuts the grass and hedges, loads of holidays and always taking me out. (and he still refers to the spare room as his dressing room 😂)

I will definitely be speaking to him once he's back

You can try, but I absolutely guarantee that someone on such a cushy number will work very hard to keep it in place

You'll almost certainly be told he's only let things slip "becuase he loves you so desperately/feels so natural with you" - but of course he's realised now and things will change

Only they won't ...

Why would a man like that treat the OP with respect.

She allows him into her home all the time even when she has said he should go home.
She allows him to eat in her home, not pay for a thing and sit on his ass while she cleans up🙄you couldn't make this shit up.

She allows him to use her and her money and home while he saves for his children to have a holiday.

She allows him to take food from her children's mouth because she appears so desperate for ANY man.

Clearly ANY man, 'cos she is letting him away with stuff that 95% of women wouldn't dream of allowing any man away with.

If the OP had respect for herself and her children, she would not have allowed this to happen.

He knows that only too well.

The biggest CF's in my experience would NEVER dream of allowing anyone take advantage of THEM.

We teach people how to treat us, she has shown him clearly how low her bar is.

Truly awful example to her children, that their home is open to any waster that comes along.

I really hope OP my deliberately harsh posts are giving you pause for thought.

Your children deserve better from you.

So he gets
free food
Sex on tap
No housework

What are you getting?

Does this sound like he's basically living at mine?

Yes! How could you not notice? I see you are starting to wake up to the fact you've been living with this man, without any discussion about the arrangements, or any consideration by him for the costs he is incurring, or any reciprocity in providing meals, food, groceries, or helping with the chores involved in providing him with dinner, five nights a week, and then all meals on every second weekend...

How could you not listen to the fact you feel smothered? That you said, don't come over after your hobby, all right? (however you put it) and he ignored you and still did? How could you ignore the fact that he ignored your request for one flipping night of freedom from attending to his needs?

How is it it took your friend pointing that he's effectively cocklodging /moved in/ "living with" you for you to begin to realise this?

How is it that you apparently need to talk to her about it more to get the full picture? Why can't you describe the actual picture of what is going on to yourself? Why has it taken her comment, and this thread, for you to see the way you are being used/treated by this man, to the detriment of your income and your children's full use of the house given his omnipresence in their lives... bringing nothing to the table except his dirty, unwashed self and a change of underpants?

It is all so baffling. I don't understand why you needed to ask that question, after living this way, and finally having an outsider point it out to you, and then still be querying your lived reality.

Does this sound like he's basically living at mine?

What do you think?

I think he's done a number on your head.

I will definitely be speaking to him once he's back.

Well, that really worked well the last time, didn't it. When you set a simple boundary about just going home to his place instead of yours after his hobby. The fucker can't even buy a replacement bunch of grapes, let alone listen to and respect an adult request.

If you were madly in love with him, in thrall to his unwashed presence, this would all be more explicable... What a pickle. If he was broke, which he isn't, he could still wash a dish and respect your wishes.

This is not a good man. You brought a parasite into your children’s home, and are showing them a dysfunctional relationship model.

This mooch feels utterly entitled to help himself to your energy, funds, food and home comforts whenever he wants, with no reciprocation or compensation. It sounds like you have handed over your agency to him.

In your shoes, I would stop the gravy train and put him off. Find a way (counseling, videos, books, etc.) to strengthen your boundaries, so that henceforth you will recognize unequal, abusive relationships.

This is not a good but thoughtless man. I just can't imagine a good man letting you basically feed him and clean up for 24 days of the month in return for a takeaway every two months. Decent men would not do that. Talking to him won't make him into a good man either. I just can't understand how him taking his children on holiday with money he has basically deprived you and your children of doesn't enrage you.

My 20 year old son was glancing over my shoulder when I was typing this and asked me what it was about. When I told him, he told me to tell you to get rid of your dp at once.

I think actually with him being away, this is a perfect opportunity to say how you’d noticed what a different week you’d had. That whilst you missed him (if you did) that you had more money from not feeding another adult, that you had time to yourself and you saw more of your dc. That you realised he’d pretty much moved in without discussion or contribution.
He will no doubt do one of the following: say he loves you so much, he wants to be with you all the time/ say you’re jealous of his holiday with his kids/ sulk, perhaps a combination of all three.
Does he contribute in any way? Does he help with the home? I can see what’s in it for him but not so much for you.
I hope eating an entire bunch of grapes gave him the shits.

I think an important point that people aren’t mentioning is do you want him to actually move in OP? Or is it just the lack of contribution that’s getting a bit much , because people can talk all they want about needing your own time, one on one with the kids etc— but if someone moves in you don’t get that automatically much either whether living together or married— the only thing that might/should change in that situation is a more formalised financial arrangement. I think it’s important for you to think on— is it just the financials or do you simply not want him there all the time? A lot of men ‘presume’ if you are in a relationship that you want them around all the time. I think you need to decide in your head what it is you actually want and then make that clear to him.

And I say this as someone who is married but quite often think I would be more than happy with a 3 times a week arrangement and more ‘me only’ time

@Crikeyalmighty yes! I asked that a couple of days ago and it wasn't explicitly answered but I'm assuming from what the OP said about having a talk with him that she isn't happy with the idea.

Maybe he was surprised you'd said something rather than that he'd eaten all the grapes.

If you think you're going to dump him, and you should, then text him today. He's on holiday with his kids paid for by yours. Make it interesting 😈

I don’t think the OP should dump him necessarily— as I said before a lot (not all) of men are a bit thick on body language and have a tendency to ‘presume’ you want them there all the time if in a relationship and don’t think necessarily to contribute unless it’s asked for or they have officially moved in. It’s extremely thoughtless I agree but doesn’t necessarily make them a bad person— I think as I said before though the important thing is what does the OP actually want- a more formalised ‘move in’ complete with contributions or to see less of him ?

I'd feel really pissed off op. I think the only way he would redeem himself in my eyes is if we sat down , said how much money, time and effort I'd been making whilst he had contributed nothing. If he offers to pay you a big lump sum for food and offers to cook/clear up/clean equally from now on. And also tell him that you want to just see each other for 2-3 nights a week.

That's fair. My boyfriend and I don't expect to contribute towards food but that's because the other has to pay for petrol to get there and back so would work our similarly. I tend to do the cooking at both houses and he clears up.

So be open and honest with him and see what he says and what he offers. He may not have realised or he may be a user.

Yes, he has moved in an no way would I make it official! He’s shown his true colours by leeching off you.

Only you can maintain your boundaries and he’s proven that once given the opportunity, he will ignore them.

@Crikeyalmighty

I don’t think the OP should dump him necessarily— as I said before a lot (not all) of men are a bit thick on body language and have a tendency to ‘presume’ you want them there all the time if in a relationship and don’t think necessarily to contribute unless it’s asked for or they have officially moved in. It’s extremely thoughtless I agree but doesn’t necessarily make them a bad person— I think as I said before though the important thing is what does the OP actually want- a more formalised ‘move in’ complete with contributions or to see less of him ?

But he agreed with OP initially that he wouldn't stay over on the hobby night, yet after a couple of weeks he ignored that and turned up anyway.

This isn't someone who was a bit thick about body language. This is someone who deliberately ignored an exciting agreement. And this is just one example. This is why it's suggested that OP dumps him. Because he clearly doesn't care about what OP, only about what he wants.

How are things @blackandwhite1?

@youvegottenminuteslynn I'm good thank you! I'm actually thoroughly enjoying the peace so far this week.

[quote blackandwhite1]@youvegottenminuteslynn I'm good thank you! I'm actually thoroughly enjoying the peace so far this week. [/quote]
That's good - have you decided to keep seeing him though? If not, did you at least have a talk and did he respect you saying you think he's been taking the piss massively?

He really doesn't sound like a nice man OP. He's not just thoughtless, he's a user!

[quote blackandwhite1]@youvegottenminuteslynn I'm good thank you! I'm actually thoroughly enjoying the peace so far this week. [/quote]
I thought he's slung his hook!

Looking forward to update.