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Original poster

Has he moved in (by stealth)?

244 replies

blackandwhite1 · 26/07/2021 13:27

I was having a conversation with my friend yesterday who said she didn't realise my DP had officially moved in. I said he hasn't. But her reply has got me wondering if my DP has pretty much moved in by stealth, or whether he is just here a lot.

He stays anywhere between 5 and 7 nights a week. He will get up in the morning, go to work (he's working from home), then come back to mine just before dinner. And repeat.

He doesn't have any clothes etc here, just a spare pair of underwear. I do give him dinner in the evenings. He won't shower here during the week, just when he's at mine for the weekend. He spends every other weekend at mine (he has his DC the other weekends).

Does this sound like he's basically living at mine?

OP posts:
GreyhoundG1rl · 26/07/2021 18:05

@blackandwhite1

I saw my friend briefly so she didn't get a chance to say much but we're having dinner on Friday so I imagine she'll have plenty to say then. She doesn't usually beat around the bush.
But does any of it resonate with you, op? You're still sounding as though you need someone to tell you what to think. It's baffling.
youvegottenminuteslynn · 26/07/2021 18:06

Also it's a bit sad that your kids don't get evenings one on one with you often. It's such important time you can spend together outside of school and work having a laugh and bonding.

And I would feel so smothered if my mums boyfriend was always there, it would have affected my relationship with my mum I think in terms of closeness / comfort levels.

And please don't disappear as while I know some of this is probably hard to hear, it could open your eyes a lot I think and make positive changes for your kids.

As someone else said, do they get a holiday as often as your boyfriends kids? Because you've paid for a massive chunk of the holiday he's going to have with his!

MattyGroves · 26/07/2021 18:07

The money wouldn't bother me - I would find it weird if a boyfriend tried to pay for groceries at my house. But the lack of contribution more generally would bother me a lot - it's unbelievable that he just sits there while you wash up.

And the lack of boundaries - turning up at 9pm, waiting on the driveway.. just wow, really peculiar and a bit sinister.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 26/07/2021 18:08

@blackandwhite1

I saw my friend briefly so she didn't get a chance to say much but we're having dinner on Friday so I imagine she'll have plenty to say then. She doesn't usually beat around the bush.
You sound incredibly passive and as if you can't or don't want to see how shitty his behaviour is and how worrying it is you have sleepwalked into it!
Original poster
blackandwhite1 · 26/07/2021 18:09

When talking about seeing my friend Friday, I meant if I tell her what I've been thinking / about this thread, I'm now expecting her to come out with quite a lot more. Not that I'm wanting her to tell me what to think!

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 26/07/2021 18:10

How do your kids feel about him?

EssenceAbsolue · 26/07/2021 18:12

He won't shower here during the week, just when he's at mine for the weekend.

Not only a cocklodger but a dirty git too.

Original poster
blackandwhite1 · 26/07/2021 18:13

My kids like him. However they are teens so are either in their rooms or out with friends so don't spend lots of time with him really.

OP posts:
DoubleTweenQueen · 26/07/2021 18:15

@blackandwhite1 Enjoy your quiet week and headspace x

me4real · 26/07/2021 18:21

He doesn't have a key but if I say I'm doing something tonight and won't be home until say 7, I'll get home and he'll be parked on my drive waiting for me

Shock Shock Aargh!

Let him know how often you want him over OP, and that he definitely can't do that. That's beyond inviting himself round. Shock

Be firm.

pinkyredrose · 26/07/2021 18:22

they are teens so are either in their rooms or out with friends so don't spend lots of time with him really

Maybe you'd see them more if he wasn't taking up all your free time.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 26/07/2021 18:25

@blackandwhite1

My kids like him. However they are teens so are either in their rooms or out with friends so don't spend lots of time with him really.
This may change a bit if he isn't always there. It's so stifling having people around all the time when you don't have a say in it.
FlowerArranger · 26/07/2021 18:30

@blackandwhite1

In an ideal world I'd only like him to stay 2, maybe 3 nights a week. I can't believe I hadn't noticed how he's ended up at mine all the time. He doesn't have a key but if I say I'm doing something tonight and won't be home until say 7, I'll get home and he'll be parked on my drive waiting for me. That's sort of what I meant by feeling smothered.
in an ideal world...??!

FFS @blackandwhite1, it's your house! Grow a backbone and set some boundaries!! And stop cooking for him.

Actually, scratch that. You need to bin him. He has zero respect for you.

A man who takes advantage of a woman to this extent is more than a CF, more than a cocklodger. He is an entirely selfish, unpleasant human being who has no problem exploiting someone who cares about him. While he feathers HIS nest...

AmberIsACertainty · 26/07/2021 18:32

@blackandwhite1

My kids like him. However they are teens so are either in their rooms or out with friends so don't spend lots of time with him really.
They're in their rooms because he's there.
tallduckandhandsome · 26/07/2021 18:34

@blackandwhite1

To try and answer some of the questions, no he doesn't wash up after dinner, no he never cooks for me unless I'm ill, he buys a takeaway about once a month, and yes I have met the cousin he lives with.
Cocklodger alert. Time for him to pay his way and do cooking/chores.
tallduckandhandsome · 26/07/2021 18:35

@blackandwhite1

I guess you could say I tried putting a boundary in recently. DP took up a hobby which keeps him busy one night a week, until 9pm. I said it would make sense if he stayed at home those days as it would be quite late coming over otherwise. He stuck to this for about 3 weeks and now when I think about the last few weeks, he's started turning up straight from the hobby. So that didn't last long.
Expecting to be fed when he turns up?
Standrewsschool · 26/07/2021 18:42

The only caution I have with him paying his way, is then he may feel he has a bigger stake in your house etc. However, even if you prepare meals, he should be offering to help clear up etc.

sloutside · 26/07/2021 18:44

To try and answer some of the questions, no he doesn't wash up after dinner, no he never cooks for me unless I'm ill, he buys a takeaway about once a month, and yes I have met the cousin he lives with

Cocklodger by stealth.
Get some boundaries in place.

pinkyredrose · 26/07/2021 18:46

Maybe you could spend an evening or 2 a wk at his place while he cooks for you? If your DC are teens I'm sure they'll be ok for a few hours.

LindaEllen · 26/07/2021 18:47

Haha, I moved in with my DP stealthily. I just stopped going home 😂. After about 6 weeks we had an official discussion and started splitting the bills and registered me as living here (I was already paying for shopping etc before though).

Fluffycloudland77 · 26/07/2021 18:47

So he’s eating for free.

RampantIvy · 26/07/2021 18:55

If you want to continue seeing him why don't you invite him to come round after tea instead?

Tubs11 · 26/07/2021 18:57

This is what happens when you're in a serious relationship, just make it official. Everyone saying he's a CF, same could be said of OP for not making an effort to stay at his. Have the chat and pool resources

GreyhoundG1rl · 26/07/2021 18:58

Everyone saying he's a CF, same could be said of OP for not making an effort to stay at his
Bizarre point of view.

Daleksatemyshed · 26/07/2021 18:58

@blackandwhite1, I think a trip out with your friend sounds like a marvellous idea, I'm sure she has a LOT to say on this subject and I think I'd agree with most of it. Nobody gets to live in your home unless you say so and your DP is being a right CF and has moved in on the quiet. If you can't put it into words face to face then his holiday is a great time for your to text him and set up some ground rules such as he only comes round when invited