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Original poster

Has he moved in (by stealth)?

244 replies

blackandwhite1 · 26/07/2021 13:27

I was having a conversation with my friend yesterday who said she didn't realise my DP had officially moved in. I said he hasn't. But her reply has got me wondering if my DP has pretty much moved in by stealth, or whether he is just here a lot.

He stays anywhere between 5 and 7 nights a week. He will get up in the morning, go to work (he's working from home), then come back to mine just before dinner. And repeat.

He doesn't have any clothes etc here, just a spare pair of underwear. I do give him dinner in the evenings. He won't shower here during the week, just when he's at mine for the weekend. He spends every other weekend at mine (he has his DC the other weekends).

Does this sound like he's basically living at mine?

OP posts:
midsomermurderess · 26/07/2021 17:35

Could you ask him, not by stealth?

RandomMess · 26/07/2021 17:36

Tell him he can stay 2 nights per week say Tuesday and Friday.

Tuesday you'll provide dinner and Thursday he can.

SortingItOut · 26/07/2021 17:36

You havent answered the question of how long you've been together, I'm guessing its a very short time and you're worried what people will say.

You need to plan the nights he will come to yours (maximum 2) and when you'll go to his and when your dates are.
5 - 7 days a week is far too much

Original poster
blackandwhite1 · 26/07/2021 17:37

Sorry, I missed that one. We've been together 2 years.

OP posts:
milkyaqua · 26/07/2021 17:37

Doesn't pay for groceries, cook, or clean up after a meal...

He's saving a fortune while costing you money and time you might prefer to spend alone, just with your kids or with others, is lazy and a sponger, and has no respect for a simple boundary you've set down that would buy you an evening off...

Doesn't seem like a very good deal for you. I feel smothered just reading about him sitting in his car waiting for mummy to come home and cook him his meal.

SpindleWhorl · 26/07/2021 17:38

@GreyhoundG1rl

but really he doesn't seem a CF. He is paying bills and stuff at his place and doing all the travelling (so some cost in time/cost of petrol/bus) What on earth? Confused.
Yeah, of course, he parked his bus on OP's driveway
GreyhoundG1rl · 26/07/2021 17:39

@blackandwhite1

Sorry, I missed that one. We've been together 2 years.
Has this been going on the whole time? Confused
Sssloou · 26/07/2021 17:39

This CL doesn’t do boundaries.

You shouldn’t have to put them in anyway - he should be asking, looking for them and respecting them.

When you did put one in about the 9pm evening he quietly bulldozed that.

The sitting on the drive was also bulldozing your boundary.

I suspect he has ££££s now to take his kids away on holiday - as he has groomed, exploited and taken ££££ from your DCs.

You shouldn’t have to police boundaries like this.

Your gut feeling of being smothered is your emotional smoke alarm - your body is sensing all of the “little things” that are “off” that your mind is ignoring.

I bet if you said to your v diplomatic friend what have you seen / what’s your opinion the floodgates would open.

It’s too exhausting to manage someone like this. You only have a finite amount of emotional energy (and time and cash) - choose who to prioritise for it and actively give it to them - do not let this CL drain you and your DCs.

I would take this as an opportunity to end this “relationship” whilst he is on holiday. I would change the locks (in case he has a copy).

Cakeofdoom · 26/07/2021 17:39

Im in a similar situation, been with my DP for over 10 years, I own my property and he rents as he uses it as business premises.

He stays with me most nights but he does contribute to household bills - probably not as much as a regular lodger but he does also keep my large garden maintained, walks the dogs, buys their food and shares vet bills. He has also bought large household items, tv, fridge freezer etc. His rent is more than my mortgage. He does cook occaisonally but his cooking is mostly shite so I'd rather do it but he buys a food shop fortnightly. He doesnt do holidays particularly although we have been away in the past and he's happy to stay at mine and dog sit if I go away with friends.

I don't actually want him legitimately moving in as I may move in future and I don't want him running his business from my house as it involves people coming in - it is far too intrusive.

It's an odd arrangement but it works but im mindful that he doesn't abuse it.

Your situation OP sounds like he is taking the royal piss.

milkyaqua · 26/07/2021 17:41

Your gut feeling of being smothered is your emotional smoke alarm - your body is sensing all of the “little things” that are “off” that your mind is ignoring.

This is so good.

HollowTalk · 26/07/2021 17:45

@blackandwhite1

I guess you could say I tried putting a boundary in recently. DP took up a hobby which keeps him busy one night a week, until 9pm. I said it would make sense if he stayed at home those days as it would be quite late coming over otherwise. He stuck to this for about 3 weeks and now when I think about the last few weeks, he's started turning up straight from the hobby. So that didn't last long.
So when he turned up, did he have something to eat at your house?
PersonaNonGarter · 26/07/2021 17:48

Why do you cook for him?

Is it 1953 in your house?

BaronessOfTheNorth · 26/07/2021 17:49

Oh wow.

If you're feeling smothered (and he's not contributing to the household at all (a takeaway is not a household expense, it's a treat for most families)) then he is getting free lodgings, food and sex.

I echo the cocklodger label and you have a good friend who's helped you to see the light.

SergeantCatFlap · 26/07/2021 17:50

I think you're clearly at different levels in this relationship. Forgetting the contributing for now - he feels that after 2 years, the relationship has grown to a level where he wants to be with you all the time. You are not at the same level.

You need to tell him this - asap.

BorderlineHappy · 26/07/2021 17:51

Maybe pack your bags on go on the holiday,he owes you that much.

QueenBee52 · 26/07/2021 17:52

@OrchestraOfWankery

So he's going on holiday with his kids to spend all the cash he's saved by living off you and your kids.
Yip Hmm

I do hope you address this and express YOUR needs and wants.. not be over run by HIS..... Flowers

youvegottenminuteslynn · 26/07/2021 17:54

So he's basically got you providing food and a bed for him almost every night?! For free?!

If you weren't a parent I would say you were foolish but it's actually a bit worrying that as a parent you've sleepwalked into this.

All the money you've spent over the last months / however long he's done this for that could've been saved if he wasn't such a prick.

He's basically stolen from you!

You said you told him not to come that night after his hobby and he did anyway.

So how did that conversation go? Did he show up, you said oh I didn't think you were coming, he said yeah I decided I would and then he got food and a bed (maybe a shag) as usual?

Because for people with strong boundaries, him showing up unplanned would have been seen as rude and weird. Really rude and weird. Especially as you have kids.

Your kids are living with this bloke and you didn't even really realise he was living there!

Your mate has done you a massive favour flagging this and has done it in a really kind way by gently suggesting you think about it.

Annasgirl · 26/07/2021 17:56

@Sssloou

This CL doesn’t do boundaries.

You shouldn’t have to put them in anyway - he should be asking, looking for them and respecting them.

When you did put one in about the 9pm evening he quietly bulldozed that.

The sitting on the drive was also bulldozing your boundary.

I suspect he has ££££s now to take his kids away on holiday - as he has groomed, exploited and taken ££££ from your DCs.

You shouldn’t have to police boundaries like this.

Your gut feeling of being smothered is your emotional smoke alarm - your body is sensing all of the “little things” that are “off” that your mind is ignoring.

I bet if you said to your v diplomatic friend what have you seen / what’s your opinion the floodgates would open.

It’s too exhausting to manage someone like this. You only have a finite amount of emotional energy (and time and cash) - choose who to prioritise for it and actively give it to them - do not let this CL drain you and your DCs.

I would take this as an opportunity to end this “relationship” whilst he is on holiday. I would change the locks (in case he has a copy).

OP, I couldn’t have said it better. He has taken money from your DC to spend on his. And your friend can see this. Please our you and your DC first.
GreyhoundG1rl · 26/07/2021 17:56

Your kids are living with this bloke and you didn't even really realise he was living there!
This is the long and the short of it and it's really quite concerning.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 26/07/2021 17:57

So he's going on holiday with his kids to spend all the cash he's saved by living off you and your kids.

This! Get angry OP, he's basically stolen from your family... you think a grown man doesn't realise that cooking a meal every night costs money? That using all their stuff costs money? That it's rude as fuck to turn up uninvited?

He's mugging you right off, he's not as nice as you thought he was.

And now his kids get more than they would have done because he's saved money taking the piss out of yours.

If I was your friend I would have been calling him allsorts - she has dealt with this really maturely!

trevthecat · 26/07/2021 17:58

How long have you been together?

Original poster
blackandwhite1 · 26/07/2021 17:58

I saw my friend briefly so she didn't get a chance to say much but we're having dinner on Friday so I imagine she'll have plenty to say then. She doesn't usually beat around the bush.

OP posts:
sfeirical · 26/07/2021 17:58

@youvegottenminuteslynn

So he's going on holiday with his kids to spend all the cash he's saved by living off you and your kids.

This! Get angry OP, he's basically stolen from your family... you think a grown man doesn't realise that cooking a meal every night costs money? That using all their stuff costs money? That it's rude as fuck to turn up uninvited?

He's mugging you right off, he's not as nice as you thought he was.

And now his kids get more than they would have done because he's saved money taking the piss out of yours.

If I was your friend I would have been calling him allsorts - she has dealt with this really maturely!

100% this.

Do your kids get a holiday this year, OP?

I think your boyfriend should pay for one for them.

He's leeching off you and your children, and it's quite concerning you haven't realised this. It's been 2 years.

AmberIsACertainty · 26/07/2021 18:01

@blackandwhite1

I guess you could say I tried putting a boundary in recently. DP took up a hobby which keeps him busy one night a week, until 9pm. I said it would make sense if he stayed at home those days as it would be quite late coming over otherwise. He stuck to this for about 3 weeks and now when I think about the last few weeks, he's started turning up straight from the hobby. So that didn't last long.
Get rid. He's walking over boundaries which is the biggest red flag there is. Having no respect for someone leads to them feeling able to do whatever they want in a variety of scenarios.

If you're not going to get rid, try "just because I'm home doesn't mean you can come over, wait to be invited". He should have zero assumptions that he's coming over. Follow up with "why are you here? We don't have plans for tonight" and send him away, if he turns up unexpectedly.

The times he's invited over, arrange it for a time after you've had your evening meal, so he comes eg to watch a film and have a few drinks then he leaves, unless invited to stay the night. Or invite him for the meal, asking him to bring eg the wine, or the ingredients and help cook it. Then he goes home after, unless invited to stay the night. He should have zero assumptions that he's staying until morning.

Also, if you're not at the living together stage then you're at the dating stage. You currently only have one proper date every 2 months and one takeaway at your place date every month. That level of non-commitment doesn't deserve exclusivity, so date whoever you'd like to as well as him. Treat it like the casual thing it is.

LalalalalalaLand123 · 26/07/2021 18:01

You've been together 2 years and he treats you like this?! Unbelievable. And very worrying that you've let this happen in your children's lives, in their home. This guy is stealing from you (and from your children) - money, time, effort, self-respect. OP please stop this right now. Work on your self-esteem and self-respect, realise when you're being taken advantage of, and don't let it happen again.