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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Has he moved in (by stealth)?

244 replies

blackandwhite1 · 26/07/2021 13:27

I was having a conversation with my friend yesterday who said she didn't realise my DP had officially moved in. I said he hasn't. But her reply has got me wondering if my DP has pretty much moved in by stealth, or whether he is just here a lot.

He stays anywhere between 5 and 7 nights a week. He will get up in the morning, go to work (he's working from home), then come back to mine just before dinner. And repeat.

He doesn't have any clothes etc here, just a spare pair of underwear. I do give him dinner in the evenings. He won't shower here during the week, just when he's at mine for the weekend. He spends every other weekend at mine (he has his DC the other weekends).

Does this sound like he's basically living at mine?

OP posts:

Shitapillar · 31/07/2021 01:03

I can't be the only person wondering what the OP's friend had to say

QueenBee52 · 31/07/2021 01:28

@Shitapillar

I can't be the only person wondering what the OP's friend had to say

right there with you 🤣

DoubleTweenQueen · 31/07/2021 10:21

I'm nosey over- invested as to outcome too!

Maggiesfarm · 31/07/2021 10:41

It does sound as though he's got it made.

Why won't he shower at yours except at weekends? I wouldn't like that.

AluckyEllie · 31/07/2021 11:50

I’m another one waiting to hear what this amazing best friend said. She sounds great 😂

Original poster

blackandwhite1 · 31/07/2021 12:41

Afternoon! Am feeling a little fragile, dinner also turned in to a few drinks...

As I predicted, the drunker she got the more came out. Long story short, she thinks he's a perfectly 'nice' man but is taking the absolute piss out of me!

OP posts:

Maggiesfarm · 31/07/2021 12:45

It sounds as though she is right, blackandwhite.

Maggiesfarm · 31/07/2021 12:46

I'm still interested to know why he won't shower during the week.

Original poster

blackandwhite1 · 31/07/2021 13:00

@Maggiesfarm He does shower during the week - at his house.

OP posts:

Maggiesfarm · 31/07/2021 14:38

Oh fair enough, that's OK then.

I think the problem is he is taking you and your home for granted. Giving him the benefit of the doubt, he may not quite realise that.

Perhaps be less available and suggest he buys some food and cooks sometimes.

Charley50 · 31/07/2021 14:58

Maybe you'll take the opportunity to end this 'relationship' OP. He's completely taking the piss, and the waiting on your drive and coming round uninvited is a mahoosive red flag. I hate him on your behalf.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 31/07/2021 20:55

And what do you think OP?!

You've been so passive that you admit this man has essentially moved in with you and your kids without you noticing!

You can now see how much of a bellend he is to have not contributed financially at all (or even bloody washed up!) or respected your boundaries when you said on X night you wanted to him to stay at his after his hobby and he ignored you.

So, now your eyes are opening. What's your plan then? Because he hasn't just taken advantage of you, he's essentially stolen from your kids. Over and over again. For ages.

Is this really someone you want to stay with?!

Window1 · 31/07/2021 21:09

@blackandwhite1

Afternoon! Am feeling a little fragile, dinner also turned in to a few drinks...

As I predicted, the drunker she got the more came out. Long story short, she thinks he's a perfectly 'nice' man but is taking the absolute piss out of me!

Did you consider what you'd like your future to look like?

Sssloou · 03/08/2021 09:59

How are you feeling things now?

Is he back from his holiday?

Have you had any conversations or decided that you need to shift the pattern you have found yourself in?

SuperSange · 03/08/2021 12:53

@blackandwhite1 How's it going?

OssieShowman · 07/08/2021 13:15

Hope everything is ok.

NapoleonOzmolysis · 25/08/2021 19:14

@blackandwhite1 any update?

Still1nLove · 25/08/2021 19:46

altmember · 25/08/2021 20:57

Some of the replies on this thread are utterly bizarre. Of course he hasn't moved in with you because he still has a place of his own, irrespective of how much time he spends at yours. He's certainly not a cock lodger - he doesn't keep any of his stuff at your place. You're not doing his laundry or anything like that, and he sounds like he's being fairly careful to not take the piss by going home to shower etc.

If he'd moved in or was a cock lodger he'd have brought all his stuff with him (or at least a decent selection of clothes). And he'd be working from home at your place wouldn't he.

As you've already admitted, he spends much more time at yours than you do at his because that suits you and is for your convenience. He's the one doing all the back and forth, because you can't due to you having your kids more than he has his. So it's either he comes to yours or you don't see each other. I presume he's coming round to see you, not your pet dog or your kids or something??

Sounds like he could pull his weight a bit more in the kitchen, but then if you're cooking a family meal and he's just a +1 tagging along then it's hardly a huge inconvenience is it. Would you rather he cooked some of the meals for your whole family? Because that would certainly start to sound like he's a part of your household. If you think he's eating too much of your food then fair enough - ask him to contribute.

But it all comes down to how much you want to see of him? (And how much he wants to see of you) If it's currently more than you'd like then tell him. If you want to spend more of your time at his then suggest that to him. If you want him to move in with you then invite him to (and obviously set some rules for sharing the bills etc).

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