Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Has he moved in (by stealth)?

244 replies

blackandwhite1 · 26/07/2021 13:27

I was having a conversation with my friend yesterday who said she didn't realise my DP had officially moved in. I said he hasn't. But her reply has got me wondering if my DP has pretty much moved in by stealth, or whether he is just here a lot.

He stays anywhere between 5 and 7 nights a week. He will get up in the morning, go to work (he's working from home), then come back to mine just before dinner. And repeat.

He doesn't have any clothes etc here, just a spare pair of underwear. I do give him dinner in the evenings. He won't shower here during the week, just when he's at mine for the weekend. He spends every other weekend at mine (he has his DC the other weekends).

Does this sound like he's basically living at mine?

OP posts:
billy1966 · 26/07/2021 17:08

OP,

Your nice friend is trying to kindly point out to you that he is CLEARLY using you.

Your poor children having this man impose himself into THEIR home EVERY evening for his free meal.

I mean this kindly, but I feel very sorry for children like yours.
Their feelings clealy don't factor in at all in your thinking that you would allow this happen.

He's taking food from your childrens mouths by living off you.

So awful.

Take a hard look at yourself that you allow this to happen and give some thought to your children.

It's really awful that they have so little agency in their home.

So awful.

Try thinking what it must be like for THEM.
Him ALWAYS there.
Flowers

Mulanmoo · 26/07/2021 17:09

Next time he’s saying he’s coming over ask him to go shopping on the way and organise dinner for you. Do not get up to do the washing up after he has cooked for you. If he wants a discussion after that please listen carefully at what he says..

Original poster
blackandwhite1 · 26/07/2021 17:09

He's taken his DC on holiday this week so won't be around until the beginning of next. But yes, looks like we need to have quite a big chat.

OP posts:
Umberellatheweatha · 26/07/2021 17:09

@blackandwhite1

In an ideal world I'd only like him to stay 2, maybe 3 nights a week. I can't believe I hadn't noticed how he's ended up at mine all the time. He doesn't have a key but if I say I'm doing something tonight and won't be home until say 7, I'll get home and he'll be parked on my drive waiting for me. That's sort of what I meant by feeling smothered.
OP he is fucking creepy. I was going to say just tell him you'll only be having hungover twice a week from now on but then read your last few sentences of this post...he is not a boyfriend, he is a stalker. Seriously op he is unhinged. Get him dumped (by text. Do not meet him in person!) and change your locks just incase.
Umberellatheweatha · 26/07/2021 17:09

*him over not hungover lol

FeatheredHope · 26/07/2021 17:10

Oh OP this sounds worse with every post :(

Standrewsschool · 26/07/2021 17:10

Time to start putting in stronger boundaries, methinks. I would feel smothered as well if he was waiting on the drive.

Say you want a quiet night in.

Tell him not to come around sone nights.

Ask him to help clear up after a meal.

Fair enough in the early days to cook and clear up, when you’re the host, and he’s the guest. However, the situation has moved on now. He should be helping out a lot more.

pinkyredrose · 26/07/2021 17:13

In an ideal world I'd only like him to stay 2, maybe 3 nights a week

But you have the power to make this happen. Its your life and your house. Why are you letting him take advantage?

QueenBee52 · 26/07/2021 17:13

@blackandwhite1

He's taken his DC on holiday this week so won't be around until the beginning of next. But yes, looks like we need to have quite a big chat.
Yes he's imposing on your family time with your kids.. so very unfair and intrusive...

I'm really not liking his behaviour, this sitting outside your home, waiting for you, when you explicitly told him you're working late. This is NOT good.

Glad you're having the chat.. Flowers

Original poster
blackandwhite1 · 26/07/2021 17:15

I guess you could say I tried putting a boundary in recently. DP took up a hobby which keeps him busy one night a week, until 9pm. I said it would make sense if he stayed at home those days as it would be quite late coming over otherwise. He stuck to this for about 3 weeks and now when I think about the last few weeks, he's started turning up straight from the hobby. So that didn't last long.

OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 26/07/2021 17:16

Tell him you do not want him coming to your house randomly he can come over on and when he comes over he can bring food as you don’t fancy cooking that evening.

Make him bring food every time he’s sponged off enough from you.

Personally I’d dump him and go back to enjoying my life without financing his.

YupIHave · 26/07/2021 17:18

Where are your D.C. in all this, OP? What do they say about him being around so much?

OrchestraOfWankery · 26/07/2021 17:19

So he's going on holiday with his kids to spend all the cash he's saved by living off you and your kids.

GreyhoundG1rl · 26/07/2021 17:21

@blackandwhite1

I guess you could say I tried putting a boundary in recently. DP took up a hobby which keeps him busy one night a week, until 9pm. I said it would make sense if he stayed at home those days as it would be quite late coming over otherwise. He stuck to this for about 3 weeks and now when I think about the last few weeks, he's started turning up straight from the hobby. So that didn't last long.
Didn't you question it at all, when he randomly showed up after you'd agreed he wouldn't? I'm quite awed at how passive a part you take in your own life, tbh.
Mulanmoo · 26/07/2021 17:23

Or next time you are having dinner just ask him straight out that you’ve come to think of it, as he is spending most of his time at your house how come he has never offered to cook or clean up after? If he says he hasn’t thought about it say that’s a bit weird, well now is your chance.

Umberellatheweatha · 26/07/2021 17:24

It's really quite incidious op. But if you arent ready to run a mile yet then you need to tell him 'no, that doesn't work for me'. If he shows up on a night be was not meant to be there or starts pushing the boundaries in other ways again, then end things.

Tbh though, I wouldn't be seeing him again at all op.

Clymene · 26/07/2021 17:27

@blackandwhite1

I guess you could say I tried putting a boundary in recently. DP took up a hobby which keeps him busy one night a week, until 9pm. I said it would make sense if he stayed at home those days as it would be quite late coming over otherwise. He stuck to this for about 3 weeks and now when I think about the last few weeks, he's started turning up straight from the hobby. So that didn't last long.
Why didn't you get angry? Why aren't you angry? You don't want him over all the time and he just ignores you.

How long have you been seeing him?

Cockenspiel · 26/07/2021 17:27

He's your standard cocklodger..

He's moved into a flatshare because it's no doubt reduced his rent and outgoings - which he has already reduced by spending every single evening meal / breakfast at your place. No doubt he's eating, drinking, showering etc at yours 7days per week. To top it off, he never cooks, cleans or helps around the house and only has to buy 1 takeaway per month to keep you happy!!! Nice cushdy setup he's got eh..

Wake-up OP!Hmm

SeaShoreGalore · 26/07/2021 17:29

This would irritate the hell out of me.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 26/07/2021 17:31

How long have you been with this guy?

LtDansleg · 26/07/2021 17:31

@burnoutbabe

i don;t think he is necessarily a cf, assuming you have been eager to see him? and there is NO option to go to his as you have kids there all the time.

So all that needs resolving is contribution to your food shopping. He isn't using up extra elec or anything else.

maybe suggest he cooks one night in the week (but he'd be cooking for 3-4 people wouldn't he if you have kids there) and had one night back at his for some space.

but really he doesn't seem a CF. He is paying bills and stuff at his place and doing all the travelling (so some cost in time/cost of petrol/bus)

So if you stayed at someone’s house 5-7 days a week you think it would be acceptable to never shop, cook, wash up, clean or ever put a penny towards bills and food? The travel costs are irrelevant as the op doesn’t even want him there most of the time, he’s not doing her a favour driving to her house. I think that’s bad mannered af.
thefourgp · 26/07/2021 17:32

Do you struggle with confidence and have a history of letting your partners dictate your relationships? If I’d told my partner not to come to mine after his hobby then I would not have let him stay when he ignored my request and turned up. Are you not feeling more like his mother than his partner?

pinkyredrose · 26/07/2021 17:33

last few weeks, he's started turning up straight from the hobby

Didn't you ask him why he was at yours? How long have you been together?

GreyhoundG1rl · 26/07/2021 17:33

but really he doesn't seem a CF. He is paying bills and stuff at his place and doing all the travelling (so some cost in time/cost of petrol/bus)
What on earth? Confused.

Durbeyfield · 26/07/2021 17:34

Do you want him there?

Swipe left for the next trending thread