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Original poster

Has he moved in (by stealth)?

244 replies

blackandwhite1 · 26/07/2021 13:27

I was having a conversation with my friend yesterday who said she didn't realise my DP had officially moved in. I said he hasn't. But her reply has got me wondering if my DP has pretty much moved in by stealth, or whether he is just here a lot.

He stays anywhere between 5 and 7 nights a week. He will get up in the morning, go to work (he's working from home), then come back to mine just before dinner. And repeat.

He doesn't have any clothes etc here, just a spare pair of underwear. I do give him dinner in the evenings. He won't shower here during the week, just when he's at mine for the weekend. He spends every other weekend at mine (he has his DC the other weekends).

Does this sound like he's basically living at mine?

OP posts:
MadamBatty · 26/07/2021 19:03

Do you get bored with each other? He sounds as though he’s living in your ear?

If somebody turned up at my house repeatedly after I’d requestedthem not to I’d send them in their way.

MeridianB · 26/07/2021 19:12

If you were my friend, I would definitely be flagging what a sponger he sounds like.

To turn up every night, even when you’ve asked him not to, eat the food you shop for, pay for and cook and then fail to contribute in any way, not even doing the dishes. It’s unreal.

I know it’s off topic but the whole thing about not washing and going back to his in yesterday’s clothes is yucky.

Two years into a relationship should still mean plenty of romance going on. This sounds a long way from romantic. And all the benefit is all his.

You deserve better, OP. 🥂💐

AddsVsGeorgs · 26/07/2021 19:26

Im giving him my first red flag

I think you really need to have a chat and tell him what you want

Agree and stick to the days , not let it slowly start adding up again

He also needs to help you more, can u cook together?
Wash and dry together?
He get take away more often if that was what u wanted

How is he when he is with his kids?
Always texting? Wanting to know what your doing? Telling you his missing you?

I dont know what it is, but this is screaming, Red flag to me

REignbow · 26/07/2021 19:40

It’s not just about the meals though is it…?

If he is with you on the weekend as well, then you will provide breakfast/lunch/dinner/snacks and of course alcohol.

I bet he even stealthily dictates, what you watch on TV and your social time.

Like others have said, it is your home and you get to decide what happens in it. He has shown you who he is, when he completely ignored your request for not to come to your home after his hobby.

Personally, I would tell him he can come over on X, Y, Z days and that when he does stay he contributes to food/chores.

I have a feeling, that he will do this for a few >insert weeks/months< and then gradually return to the status quo.

It’s time to get tough

billy1966 · 26/07/2021 19:40

Are YOUR poor imposed upon children getting a lovely weeks holiday?

If not, you know why🙄

Their mum has allowed a complete CF live off her.

How anyone could not notice that someone is turning up for dinner 7 days a week is beyond me.

You must have been buying/cooking more than was necessary.

Only absolute scum lives off a single parent.

OP, he thinks you're a mug, a bit dim, and clearly doesn't put her children first to have allowed this to happen.

Give your head a good shake.
You AND your children deserve better.

Flowers
vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 26/07/2021 19:45

Bet he'll be all apologies and "I didn't realise" and "you should have said" and "if you'd asked I'd have done it" - you'll agree some ground rules and he'll toe the line for long enough for you to think he's got the message, and then he'll ease off on the effort and then you'll dump him by Christmas.

Original poster
blackandwhite1 · 26/07/2021 19:56

I will definitely be speaking to him once he's back. I'm not sure how I've let it go on so long, I guess I've just been busy with work/life and also a bit passive. It's been lots of little things that on there own aren't necessarily bright red flags, but when you put them all together...

The last one was last week when he helped himself to the grapes from the kitchen one evening and ate the whole bunch Angry

OP posts:
MyriadeOfThings · 26/07/2021 19:59

I’m going to go against the grain here.

Yes he is at yours a lot.
But if he had moved in, he would be having his dc there too. He would be working there etc… He would have all his clothes, do his washing etc…

I wouldn’t dream to treat the situation as if he was and claim board etc…
You could have a chat about the cost of food and taking it in turns/contributing. But that’s really as far as it could go imo.

ThePluckOfTheCoward · 26/07/2021 20:02

I feel sorry for your children having to share their home with the CL every bloody evening and two weekends a month. Did you even ask them how they felt about him moving in? Bcause he has.

MyriadeOfThings · 26/07/2021 20:04

The issue with not cleaning/washing up and him being there most days is a different issue.

But tbh, if you really don’t want to see him more than 2~3 nights, why have you not told him? And by that, I mean not just suggesting he is staying at his after his hobby but actually telling him he isn’t welcome that often?

QueenBee52 · 26/07/2021 20:06

The last one was last week when he helped himself to the grapes from the kitchen one evening and ate the whole bunch

y'see this would piss me off.. you BOUGHT those grapes for your kids... 🥺

TurquoiseDragon · 26/07/2021 20:09

@MyriadeOfThings

I’m going to go against the grain here.

Yes he is at yours a lot.
But if he had moved in, he would be having his dc there too. He would be working there etc… He would have all his clothes, do his washing etc…

I wouldn’t dream to treat the situation as if he was and claim board etc…
You could have a chat about the cost of food and taking it in turns/contributing. But that’s really as far as it could go imo.

If he was a decent bloke, he'd have at least contributed by doing the washing up, etc. And a decent bloke would have made a contribution to the food, too.

I''d actually dump this bloke.

dapsnotplimsolls · 26/07/2021 20:12

The grape that broke the camel's back ...

Original poster
blackandwhite1 · 26/07/2021 20:14

@dapsnotplimsolls Exactly!

OP posts:
Cockenspiel · 26/07/2021 20:19

Eating all the grapes and not even offering to replace them would really fuck me off tbh.

Any decent human being would have a shred of self awareness and have offered to chip in for food shopping, bills, running costs etc.. They would also not treat you like a goddamn hotel maid and get off their arse and share the load of cooking and clearing up.

What do you actually get out of this relationship right now?

Sounds like he’s got his feet under the table in as much as having all his meals cooked and paid for. Sex on tap? But can fuck off back to his cheap shared flat when it suits him. No doubt he is saving a bloody fortune!

GreyhoundG1rl · 26/07/2021 20:21

Did you actually say anything when he finished all the grapes?

PersonaNonGarter · 26/07/2021 20:22

I am genuinely confused. WHY are you cooking and cleaning for him? Why can’t he cook/clean?

billy1966 · 26/07/2021 20:33

His children get his full attention and a holiday and the OP's children get the CF who imposes himself into their home and they have no say.🙄

CoffeeBeansGalore · 26/07/2021 20:35

Can you say that while he has been away it's made you realise how much you miss your own space and spending time with your children. Therefore it will be better for you if he just comes round on x & y days after z time (after dinner).

Original poster
blackandwhite1 · 26/07/2021 20:53

@GreyhoundG1rl I did. He was picking away at them absentmindedly and looked surprised when I pointed out he'd eaten them all. Very apologetic, said he'd replace them. He didn't.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 26/07/2021 21:06

@billy1966

His children get his full attention and a holiday and the OP's children get the CF who imposes himself into their home and they have no say.🙄
I don't want to make you feel shit OP but you seem so incredibly passive - can you see how unfair this is on your kids too?! He's always in their space and he's taking away time and resources (including money) from their mum and therefore them. I think you'd be surprised how much more time they would spend out of their rooms if there wasn't always a lazy arsehole there.

Decent people don't need to be taught that it's vile to let someone cook, clean up, put you up and allow unannounced visits with no contribution or mucking in from you. I don't buy into the whole 'tell him he needs to help out' thing. If someone who has been doing what he's doing (or not doing in his case) and needs it pointing out to them it's selfish as fuck, I wouldn't want to be with them!

And please remember you are teaching your teens that this is what a relationship looks like. That it's ok for a woman to work, take care of her kids, cook, clean and be passive - while it's a man's job to work, eat, be where he wants when he wants without consideration for others, shag and sleep...

Please don't keep showing them this relationship. You should want more for you and for them!

whatisthisinhere · 26/07/2021 21:09

Oh no, you need to get shot of him. I couldn't put up with him

GreyhoundG1rl · 26/07/2021 21:09

[quote blackandwhite1]@GreyhoundG1rl I did. He was picking away at them absentmindedly and looked surprised when I pointed out he'd eaten them all. Very apologetic, said he'd replace them. He didn't. [/quote]
He has zero respect for you or your children. Presumably this was after he'd sat at your table having a full meal (as usual)?

Feedingthebirds1 · 26/07/2021 21:11

Time to put your foot down with a firm hand OP! He's got away with this for too long, so show him that the worm has very definitely turned. Set your boundaries and if he puts so much as a toe over the line turf him out. If you let him off once, it'll send the message that you don't really mean it and he can carry on as before.

MarleneDietrichsSmile · 26/07/2021 21:20

Well, it depends what you get back for it

A friend of mine had this happen to her, but she made the conscious decision she was happy with the set up, as he made a big fuss of her (flowers, meals out, presents), did lots of DIY in the house, dealt with her paperwork. She said she was tired of being a modern woman and loved loved loved feeling looked after by him.

So as a pay-off, she cooked for him and he moved in bit by bit

They are both happy

If he makes you happy, maybe just have a chat Labour food bills, but leave it at that

Just be honest with yourself about what you are getting out of it