Has he moved in (by stealth)?

[blackandwhite1]

I was having a conversation with my friend yesterday who said she didn't realise my DP had officially moved in. I said he hasn't. But her reply has got me wondering if my DP has pretty much moved in by stealth, or whether he is just here a lot.

He stays anywhere between 5 and 7 nights a week. He will get up in the morning, go to work (he's working from home), then come back to mine just before dinner. And repeat.

He doesn't have any clothes etc here, just a spare pair of underwear. I do give him dinner in the evenings. He won't shower here during the week, just when he's at mine for the weekend. He spends every other weekend at mine (he has his DC the other weekends).

Does this sound like he's basically living at mine?

Also does he ever take you out or does he only ever come to yours ?

In that case I'm with @LtDansleg.

He'll probably cost you a lot of money and your mental equilibrium. Unfair on you and your children.

Was your friend also concerned about any UC you claim? I would be, if it were a friend of mine. It's like he's leaving you high and dry regarding money and household tasks to 'prove' in some way he's not with you 'living as a household'. But he's making a mug of you.

I have met his cousin.

We'll go out for dinner probably every other month and he'll pay.

My friend didn't seem concerned as such, but made a few comments along the lines of how she expects DP has a lot more spare cash than I do.

Also, I'm not on UC.

He stays up to 7 nights per week? There are only 7 nights in the week, op . Of course he's living there.

If you're happy with it I'd formalise the relationship by talking about how it's time he makes a contribution to the household. If you're not I'd talk about that. He's onto a good thing here.

At the end of the day OP it doesnt matter how much time he spends with you as long as you are happy with the arrangement. If not then some conversations need to be had with either he moves in permanently and adds to the finances and workload of the house or you make a compromise with how many nights he stays as this will affect your single persons claim on your council tax.

Whether or not it was intentional, he is definitely taking the p*$$ now. It's the school holidays, ideal time to say I'm spending some time with just the kids the next few weeks. I'll call you. (If he has a key now is the time to get it back. I need my key back, mine's playing up & I need a good one to get a copy done. Then don't give it back to him).

It'll be nice for the kids to have you to themselves for a few evenings & you can catch up with friends as well.

If he turns up unannounced for dinner - Oh, I wasn't expecting you, the kids & I have plans. I'll call you next week & you can take me out for dinner. Bye for now.

Then going forward, if you wish to continue this relationship, you can "reset" his expection of how often he stays, and how much of a contribution you expect him to make. Some of the grocery shopping, or money towards it would be a start. You make the decision as to when you want him in your home, and how much of your time & money you wish to spend on him.

@blackandwhite1

Also, I'm not on UC.

Ok but what about council tax? Home insurance?

Time to set out and assert your boundaries?

How long have you been together?

What was your ideal timeframe for different phases of the relationship? Was this ever discussed?

What else is he doing that’s making you feel suffocated rather than just being there, cost free, waited on hand and foot?

What’s his relationship history?
What’s yours?

A good person does need to be told to pitch in financially and with chores even if seeing each other at weekends.

A respectful person wouldn’t have done this without asking. He believes he is entitled to help himself to your space, time, energy, food, resources 24/7.

What’s the deal with the cousin - do they own it together or rent it together?

How do you feel having this pointed out to you?

Your friend is a good friend.

And faaaaar more observant than you.

My lazy arse teens do more than that around the house.

He really saw you coming

How did he start the routine of coming to yours for dinner every night?

When you next see him say 'I was looking at my bank statements today and realised how much I'm spending on food now you eat here every night. It's time we worked out a split of the food costs, and also taking turns cooking so I get a break'. Just see how he reacts to that. It's an entirely reasonable proposition.

Yup, I've moved to saying he's a CL.

Does he honestly just think that dinners, 5 nights a week, requires zero financial or physical contribution from him? I mean, DH has never cooked, and he more or less lived with me unofficially for a good year before we moved in together. I earned shed loads more than him so didn't expect him to pay but during that time, I barely ever did the washing up, I certainly never took out the bins, and he more than pulled his weight in general tidying and cleaning. And DH would regularly offer to pay as well as stop to get bread/milk etc without question.

AND you're feeling smothered? This doesn't sound good OP.

@frazzledasarock

Tell him not to come round tonight you’ve want a quiet night. You’ll see him at the weekend.

See how he responds

This.

Possibly, it’s one of those things that has gradually happened. He’s increased his visits, you’ve not declined. Ie. It may not even be a conscious decesion by him.

Alternatively, he doesn’t like living with his cousin and prefers to be at yours - free food, accomadation, no hassle.

Bloody hell, OP, he's completely using you. He comes to your place and has all his food etc. Then he has the peace and quiet of his own place. He doesn't even wash up or clean in your house. Honestly, I would dump him today. Wake up - this man is using you.

Does the cousin own the house? If so I bet your Boyfriend gives him a peppercorn rent…then he has you as his slave & you’re paying for the privilege.

I've been feeling a little smothered by him always being around but guess I didn't see the link

If you’re feeling smothered, do you know truly how your kids are feeling about him being around all the time?

He's got it made hasn't he?!!!! Dinners and sex on tap and not having to pay a penny or make any effort. I bet he can't believe his luck!
How long have you been together?

My boyfriend also stays the same some weeks depending on work, however he also transfers me money for food (although not bills as he has his own bills at his house), helps me cook or at the very least cleans up after dinner, buys the occasional takeaway not just for us but for my children too so quite hefty amount. He will make the bed and clean up after himself but doesn't do any housework as such but he does do some diy jobs for me or if I've got loads to do he does things such as mow the grass or garden type stuff.

Oh and if I go out with friends he will go home to his or if we haven't seen each other much offers to be our taxi to drop/pick us up so he can spend the night and on a rare occasion will watch the kids for me without me asking so I can go out.

How would it be awkward to be round his when his cousins there but it's not awkward him being around your kids all the time?

I can't believe you shop and pay for food, cook it, serve him then clear away afterwards. The least he could do is wash up. Has he ever offered to clean the bathroom or hoover?

How long has this set up been happening? Does he have a key?