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Original poster

Has he moved in (by stealth)?

244 replies

blackandwhite1 · 26/07/2021 13:27

I was having a conversation with my friend yesterday who said she didn't realise my DP had officially moved in. I said he hasn't. But her reply has got me wondering if my DP has pretty much moved in by stealth, or whether he is just here a lot.

He stays anywhere between 5 and 7 nights a week. He will get up in the morning, go to work (he's working from home), then come back to mine just before dinner. And repeat.

He doesn't have any clothes etc here, just a spare pair of underwear. I do give him dinner in the evenings. He won't shower here during the week, just when he's at mine for the weekend. He spends every other weekend at mine (he has his DC the other weekends).

Does this sound like he's basically living at mine?

OP posts:
BloomingTrees · 26/07/2021 16:21

We'll go out for dinner probably every other month and he'll pay.

So he buys one dinner every two months in return for free dinners and lodgings for 5-7 nights a week.

He's getting a bargain. How much time and money are you spending on food, electricity, gas, washing (bedding, dishes) and cleaning ?

billy1966 · 26/07/2021 16:25

Really OP?

You friend is pointing out the screamingly obvious....he's a tight CF who is using you.

Have a bit of self respect.

Flowers
nimbuscloud · 26/07/2021 16:29

What do your children think of having their home invaded like this?

BruceAndNosh · 26/07/2021 16:30

Rule in this household is The Cook doesn't do the washing up.
Sometimes I'm The Cook, sometimes DH is.

FlorrieLindley · 26/07/2021 16:39

He is living rent free and getting all his meals paid for and cooked. Why should you be out of pocket?

OhNoNoNoNoNo · 26/07/2021 16:41

You need to have a proper think about what you want. It all sounds so passive.

StepladderToHeaven · 26/07/2021 16:43

He needs to contribute to the grocery bill and start doing some of the cooking and washing up. And/or you need to ask him to come round less often.

OhNoNoNoNoNo · 26/07/2021 16:44

It’s weird that you haven’t asked for help with the cost or the cooking of food and it’s pathetic and disgraceful that he hasn't offered. Why would you have someone like that around your kids.

HellonHeels · 26/07/2021 16:48

@blackandwhite1

To try and answer some of the questions, no he doesn't wash up after dinner, no he never cooks for me unless I'm ill, he buys a takeaway about once a month, and yes I have met the cousin he lives with.
OMG he is a cheap bastard!

Doesn't even wash up? You've got to put the brakes on this!

MyMabel · 26/07/2021 16:50

So basically he just has a very big office where he showers after work then comes home to you.

QueenBee52 · 26/07/2021 16:51

Yip..

He's taking the PISS.. Flowers

burnoutbabe · 26/07/2021 16:51

i don;t think he is necessarily a cf, assuming you have been eager to see him? and there is NO option to go to his as you have kids there all the time.

So all that needs resolving is contribution to your food shopping. He isn't using up extra elec or anything else.

maybe suggest he cooks one night in the week (but he'd be cooking for 3-4 people wouldn't he if you have kids there) and had one night back at his for some space.

but really he doesn't seem a CF. He is paying bills and stuff at his place and doing all the travelling (so some cost in time/cost of petrol/bus)

LalalalalalaLand123 · 26/07/2021 16:51

He stays anywhere between 5 and 7 nights a week.
No he doesn't cook or pay for groceries.
no he doesn't wash up after dinner, no he never cooks for me unless I'm ill

Good lord OP. Seriously?

Mulanmoo · 26/07/2021 16:52

How can you be so passive.. Your friend is a good friend.

SunshineCake · 26/07/2021 16:53

Oh dear. I think the PP idea of saying you want a quiet night or two and you'll see him on the weekend is a good one.

SixesAndEights · 26/07/2021 16:55

@blackandwhite1

My friend didn't seem concerned as such, but made a few comments along the lines of how she expects DP has a lot more spare cash than I do.
LOL, that sounds like concern albeit in a very hinty way and not being direct.

Your friend thinks of course he's got a lot more spare cash because he's leeching off you, which he is.

Glad you're now a bit more switched on to this .

Have you posted about this before OP? The living with a cousin and not contributing to your expenses bit seems familiar.

thelastgoldeneagle · 26/07/2021 16:57

Omg. How can he think it's fair for you to buy all the food, cook every night, then wash up after him as well?? He's truly a lazy CF and a cocklodger.

Original poster
blackandwhite1 · 26/07/2021 16:58

No, not posted before. He's only just got a house with his cousin, rented on his own before that. His cousin works away quite a bit from what he tells me.

OP posts:
Notaroadrunner · 26/07/2021 17:01

@billy1966

Really OP?

You friend is pointing out the screamingly obvious....he's a tight CF who is using you.

Have a bit of self respect.

Flowers

Agree! Text him that you are not available to see him til the weekend. Start pulling back as you have now created a scenario where this sponger has encroached on your home, your kids space. It's not fair on them without a proper family discussion and agreement that he moves in - and then only when he pays his way.
Googlewasmyidea1 · 26/07/2021 17:02

You need to tell him to bugger off, especially if you're feeling smothered. Or decide how often you want him to stay and tell him you expect a contribution when he does stay...watch him miraculously spend more time at his own place

Sssloou · 26/07/2021 17:04

@blackandwhite1

No, not posted before. He's only just got a house with his cousin, rented on his own before that. His cousin works away quite a bit from what he tells me.
Oh dear - looks like he off-loaded of all his rent and bills by slithering into yours and is probably house sitting for the cousin.

Your friend is calling it out by saying he is now ££££s up whilst your are ££££s down.

Not nice.

RoseRedRoseBlue · 26/07/2021 17:05

Bloody Hell. My mother subjected us to this scenario when we were kids, it was the start of years of misery. Put your foot down and bin this freeloader.

Original poster
blackandwhite1 · 26/07/2021 17:05

In an ideal world I'd only like him to stay 2, maybe 3 nights a week. I can't believe I hadn't noticed how he's ended up at mine all the time. He doesn't have a key but if I say I'm doing something tonight and won't be home until say 7, I'll get home and he'll be parked on my drive waiting for me. That's sort of what I meant by feeling smothered.

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 26/07/2021 17:07

How long have you been together, when I am seeing someone I make it clear we meet for dates once or twice a week, no living together for at least 4 years. If they don't like it they can fuck off. Try telling him you need space and will call him next week when you want to meet. And he can pay for a meal out.

Eddielzzard · 26/07/2021 17:07

Class A cocklodger. What special kind of arsehole leeches off his single parent GF?

I thirtieth the suggestion of telling him to stay away until the weekend. See how he reacts. The only response is 'of course, shall I take you out this weekend?'. Anything remotely smacking of entitlement is a massive red flag.

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