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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fuck fuck fuck someone speak to me please

433 replies

RozHuntleysLeftHand · 25/07/2021 23:42

My fucking worst nightmare has just been fucking realised and its really bizarre and I am freaking the actual fuck out.

Too much to put in one post....I cant fucking think straight.

A while ago I posted that "D"p hencforth known as Lying Cunt Face had been talking to his ex behind my back.
(been together 12 years, 1 DC age 9, they have 2 DC both in their 20s)

He touted the idea of taking DS to visit his frail, elderly mum this week, with the DSC, great I get a break, plus he also pushed that as it was my Nans funeral last week and I was miserable, that it would give me a chance to heal.

For some reason I was suspicious that ex would be going, but I told myself I was being crazy paranoid, I don't even know why I suspected but I fucking did.

Well it turns out I was fucking right.

I got suspicious cos despite repeated requests to let DS call me/ just text me I got no reply. (and who fucking does that anyway? I just wanted a quick call at bed time ffs)

So eventually I get a call, and DS lets slip the girls Mum is fucking there.

DP refuses to discuss it and says "I knew you'd be like this which is why I didn't tell you".

Well fucking yeah!!

If he'd been honest from the start....but even then....

I had to be all bright and breezy on the phone to DS....but I'm fucking shaking and my mental health was already shot and this.....

I want my baby home.

I'm fucking shocked and angry and so so sad.

HELP ME

OP posts:
Original poster
RozHuntleysLeftHand · 26/07/2021 00:47

And I never, ever said they couldn't have contact, in fact it was him who always said he hated her and barely had any contact with her except for about the girls.

When they started uni etc. he never ever mentioned her.

I could not have cared less if he'd said "Oh I was chatting to X today" or whatever, but he always made a point of hating her, then never mentioning her, so to see friendly texts between them was odd tbh.

But in the end I let that go (stupid?)

If it was innocent why not just bloody tell me in the first place?

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 26/07/2021 00:47

We can speculate all night if he's just a liar or if it was a misunderstanding/over reaction.. but what's clear is there is no trust in op's relationship and just high stress/worry .

She hasnt had contact with her child for 2 days on tio of the lies so is understandably emotionally overwhelmed.

OP sleep is probably the last thing on your mind but do try to settle a bit. Even with a blanket in front of tv.

When are you expecting them home ?

HunkyPunk · 26/07/2021 00:48

He has all his kids there with his dying mum.

No, the op specifically said his Mum's not dying. They haven't all gathered to mourn her imminent passing. They're staying with her and having a holiday.

hawleybits · 26/07/2021 00:49

"ODFOD.

This is Mumsnet, not Cbeebies. The OP can swear if she likes."

Of course she can, and does - lots.

misssunshine4040 · 26/07/2021 00:49

@korawick12345

Well it can still be those things. Maybe the ex fancied a few days break and invited herself along, it really does seem like you don’t think they should have any sort of relationship at all. Your level of outrage that he was speaking to her was pretty high. She is the mother of two of his children I would expect them to have a relationship until the day they die.
They don't need to have a relationship when then kids are adults in their 20's! She doesn't need to visit her ex mil with her ex who has remarried. Her adult kids can go with their dad and sibling. I would be so hurt and livid op trust your gut
SixesAndEights · 26/07/2021 00:49

FGS OP get a grip. It hasn't turned out true. You don't know what the sitution is, you've just gone straight to the worst case scenario.

You're coming across as having lost all control, is that your natural response when you're angry/shocked about something? If so, like others have said, he may have deliberately kept it from you because of your reaction.

He is visiting his elderly mum with his kids and giving you a break. He's also enabled his ex wife to see her MIL with their kids, and his mum may have liked that. She may even have requested it.

Original poster
RozHuntleysLeftHand · 26/07/2021 00:51

He always said he hated her though??

And then never mentioned their relationship outside of talking about the girls?

If he'd have said at any point "Oh I've been chatting to ex recently" all this would be completely different, I'm not mad, I knew he had kids etc when we got together.

But he literally claimed to hate her, then 12 years later lies about talking to her, but then goes away with her and then to cap it all off refuses to communicate with me about our child while I'm worrying and he's on the beach with them all?

OP posts:
ExhaustedFlamingo · 26/07/2021 00:51

I’m really sorry OP. Your anger isn’t unreasonable. He’s admitted he deliberately withheld contact and didn’t tell you. I agree, fuck him and fuck his lies.

Get your anger out tonight and then prepare yourself for some straight talking. If you think you’re going to split, take advantage of having the house to yourself to organise/get copies of any paperwork or info you need. This sounds very much like the last straw in your relationship rather than a blip that you can move past.

AwFeebs · 26/07/2021 00:52

YANBU OP.

Sounds fishy.

JazzleRazzle · 26/07/2021 00:53

Ok. Calm and breathe.

He’s a bastard of the highest order and I would also be going ballistic. He has lied to you at least about her going, possibly about more.

You will survive this. Your DS will be fine.

Now, what are you going to do? Is this it? Are you now done with him? For me, the lie alone, would be sufficient to end the marriage. Is it the same for you or will it depend upon the extent of the lie?

Right now, you are feeling that it is the end of the world as you know it and it is the sheer frustration and disrespect he is showing you that is making you feel sick and so, so angry. Who the fuck does he think he is to treat you like this? Again, you will survive this. Things will change but life will carry on. Whether he remains in your life or whether he has lost that privilege is up to you.

When are they due back? How long do you have to think and decide?

You will survive this.

PyongyangKipperbang · 26/07/2021 00:54

@hawleybits

"ODFOD.

This is Mumsnet, not Cbeebies. The OP can swear if she likes."

Of course she can, and does - lots.

And so the fuck do I and lots of us, so get the fuck over it.
Makesmilingyourbesthobby · 26/07/2021 00:54

Not good if he hasn’t mentioned her going with them to you, does he often keep things from you or just when it comes to the girls mother?

But I also find it so bizarre to jump to the conclusion they are having an affair, they are having an affair and they also take all the children away with them to his mums of all places highly unlikely for me, probability wise tells me it is more likely another reason for why she is there and why he has not mentioned it to you and not an affair. Like who does that surly that’s not common??

Also have you not spoken to DP since you become aware of the girls mother being there? If you have what response/explanation has he given?

FredWinnie · 26/07/2021 00:55

@RedToothBrush
Your insecurity is on show here....

Help you? I think you need help, but not the help you are asking for on this thread.

Get a grip and be a grown up

A nasty, unnecessary comment @RedToothBrush, one that verges on vindictive

Also, in general, absolute fuckety bollocks and horseshit re the judgey comments about swearing
It's a vent

@RozHuntleysLeftHand So sorry you're going through this
I would not be okay with the lying. I'd be furious with his keeping me from speaking to my DC

PyongyangKipperbang · 26/07/2021 00:55

Oh and I think I may even have made up a few swear words when I found out about my ex's cheating.

But as long as you feel morally superior by having a more limited vocabulary, that's great. Go you!

SixesAndEights · 26/07/2021 00:55

I'm not saying you're wrong OP but things do change over the years. Your (and her) MIL might have requested this, the ex may have invited herself along, etc. Or they could be rekindling something from the past. That just seems unlikely to me in the context of time together with kids and his mother being there, that's all.

When he comes back have a rational discussion about it. If you fly off the handle at him it will just reaffirm whatever decisions he's made.

Original poster
RozHuntleysLeftHand · 26/07/2021 00:56

Can I just stress his mum is FAR AWAY FROM DYING.

It's not a last time thing.

And even if it was, why lie to me?

I'm not crazy, I'm the one who actually facilitated a lot of contact in our early days, baking and playing with the kids before we ever had our own together.

DSC gave him his first bottle feed in SCBU ffs.

I have never excluded them, or hated his ex or anything, that's what makes it soo hurtful

OP posts:
SixesAndEights · 26/07/2021 01:00

So what if she's not dying? You seem to live in a world of absolutes.

He hated her 12 years ago... so why is he talking to her now? His mother isn't dying... so why should she want to spend time with her DiL?

Your life comes across as very high octane.

korawick12345 · 26/07/2021 01:01

I see all the LTB he's an arsehole cheerleaders are out in force and I have no doubt they will rile you up further but in reality you have a small amount of info and are catastrophising massively.

Maybe he did used to hate her but 12 years is a long time and people change, maybe now he does want to have a friendlier relationship with the mother of two of his children.

To the poster who implied there is no reason for divorced/separated parents to even talk once their children are older, have you any idea how fucked up that is? I can only assume you have been subject to a fairly hostile family break up in one way or another to think that that is a reasonable thing to say.

HunkyPunk · 26/07/2021 01:01

He is visiting his elderly mum with his kids and giving you a break. He's also enabled his ex wife to see her MIL with their kids, and his mum may have liked that. She may even have requested it.

So in this scenario it's ok to airbrush out the op and lie to her? Most people would be furious and very hurt, if this actually happened to them.

Original poster
RozHuntleysLeftHand · 26/07/2021 01:02

Thanks for defending me on the swearing!

Yes I bloody swear a lot, especially right now!
It's what I love MN for!

I honestly don't know if it's an affair or what?

It seems ridiculous but I'm so blindsided by this, even though I suspected it IYSWIM I just don't know what the fuck to think??

It's all so bloody weird.

But I keep coming back to the lying, and them on the beach, where I could have been if he headn't persuaded me out of going "for my mental health", having fun and not letting me speak to my own child when I asked, even though I said I just wanted a quick chat to my son.

OP posts:
Sleepinginthesun · 26/07/2021 01:03

@korawick12345

I did read the thread. There is nothing odd about someone going to visit their child’s grand parents with their child no matter how old those children are. The level of reaction from the op seems to be completely off the scale IMO. For all she knows the ex showed up unplanned and the MIL asked her to join. There are lots of possibilities that she is not considering. I can only assume there is a massive backstory as it really is a very extreme reaction.
What?! Of course it's odd going to visit your very grown up children's grandparent with them and your ex husband?!

Tbh even if your grown up children were visiting your OWN parents I'd be surprised if the parent went at the same time. They're adults in their own houses, no need for mummy to be there. Or to go at the same time as their father. And certainly no need for the whole thing to have been kept secret.

SixesAndEights · 26/07/2021 01:06

@HunkyPunk

He is visiting his elderly mum with his kids and giving you a break. He's also enabled his ex wife to see her MIL with their kids, and his mum may have liked that. She may even have requested it.

So in this scenario it's ok to airbrush out the op and lie to her? Most people would be furious and very hurt, if this actually happened to them.

I didn't say that, but in two threads we've seen the OP's reaction to her husband and his ex communicating, so it may give some idea as to why he's done it. Or not, it's all supposition really until he comes home and she calmly asks him about it.
korawick12345 · 26/07/2021 01:07

@sleepinginthesun - in my family multi generational gatherings are not unusual despite the fact we are all adults. Maybe your extended family are not as close as some others but I hardly think having parents, grandparents and grandchildren meeting up together is unusual.

SixesAndEights · 26/07/2021 01:08

The beach thing with her son is definitely weird though!

OP does your MIL have dementia and has forgotten you exist?

Guavafish · 26/07/2021 01:10

What are you planning on doing on this return? Will you leave him? Is this the end of your relationship?