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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fuck fuck fuck someone speak to me please

433 replies

RozHuntleysLeftHand · 25/07/2021 23:42

My fucking worst nightmare has just been fucking realised and its really bizarre and I am freaking the actual fuck out.

Too much to put in one post....I cant fucking think straight.

A while ago I posted that "D"p hencforth known as Lying Cunt Face had been talking to his ex behind my back.
(been together 12 years, 1 DC age 9, they have 2 DC both in their 20s)

He touted the idea of taking DS to visit his frail, elderly mum this week, with the DSC, great I get a break, plus he also pushed that as it was my Nans funeral last week and I was miserable, that it would give me a chance to heal.

For some reason I was suspicious that ex would be going, but I told myself I was being crazy paranoid, I don't even know why I suspected but I fucking did.

Well it turns out I was fucking right.

I got suspicious cos despite repeated requests to let DS call me/ just text me I got no reply. (and who fucking does that anyway? I just wanted a quick call at bed time ffs)

So eventually I get a call, and DS lets slip the girls Mum is fucking there.

DP refuses to discuss it and says "I knew you'd be like this which is why I didn't tell you".

Well fucking yeah!!

If he'd been honest from the start....but even then....

I had to be all bright and breezy on the phone to DS....but I'm fucking shaking and my mental health was already shot and this.....

I want my baby home.

I'm fucking shocked and angry and so so sad.

HELP ME

OP posts:
FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 26/07/2021 01:11

OP if my exMIL was on deaths door I would 100% visit her with my kids. I wouldn't care if they were adults, he was married again and his new wife was insecure, I'd want to say goodbye and I'd want to support my children. The ex and your MIL shared a relationship before you came along, humans don't tend to stop caring about people with the click of a finger. Maybe he lied because he knew you'd completely lose it, like you seem to have? Remember you are grief stricken. Grief does weird things to people including making them blow things out of property on.

Sleepinginthesun · 26/07/2021 01:12

[quote korawick12345]@sleepinginthesun - in my family multi generational gatherings are not unusual despite the fact we are all adults. Maybe your extended family are not as close as some others but I hardly think having parents, grandparents and grandchildren meeting up together is unusual.[/quote]
Even in multi generational gatherings, the current partners of children are not usually excluded in favour of the ex partners and the whole thing kept secret from the current partners.

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 26/07/2021 01:15

I see all the LTB he's an arsehole cheerleaders are out in force and I have no doubt they will rile you up further but in reality you have a small amount of info and are catastrophising massively.

I completely agree @korawick12345 it seems very unlikely that he has taken his ex wife to his mums with his children to have an affair!

The OP is obviously stressed to hell, no doubt compounded by losing her grandma and the posters winding her up and saying it must be an affair need to wind their necks in. This is a real person, in real life FFS

korawick12345 · 26/07/2021 01:16

@Sleepinginthesun - we don't know that is what happened, all we know is that that is the conclusion OP has jumped to - there are myriad other possibilities.

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 26/07/2021 01:17

To the poster who implied there is no reason for divorced/separated parents to even talk once their children are older, have you any idea how fucked up that is?

ExH'a parents divorced messily when he was 9, they speak frequently now about the kids, houses, weddings, how to help them, etc. We are tied for life to the people we have children with, it doesn't just stop aged 18

HunkyPunk · 26/07/2021 01:17

OP if my exMIL was on deaths door I would 100% visit her with my kids. I wouldn't care if they were adults, he was married again and his new wife was insecure, I'd want to say goodbye and I'd want to support my children.

As the op keeps saying, her dh's Mum is not at death's door! They aren't saying goodbye. They are on holiday, going to the beach etc.

User1357 · 26/07/2021 01:18

I am in utter disbelief at the number of posters who think OP is overreacting.

I am a very laid back, rational person, often very forgiving and always look at both sides of the coin but this is absolutely mental.

OP and her partner are in a long term relationship with a child and he has taken his ex on holiday to see his mum AND lied? I just read the last thread and they have been separated for 12 years. How in bloody hell is this ok?

What world do you all live in? Even if nothing sexual or untoward is going on between OP’s partner and ex, he is in a relationship and prioritised his ex and then been deceitful about it. He has massively overstepped a boundary and that is before even considering the fact that he has been odd with his phone, speaking with her alit and meeting up with her without discussing it with OP.

xsamix86 · 26/07/2021 01:19

OK, so if I understand this correctly: you have been together 12 years, over the course of which you have at least had a part in raising his now adult children as well as having a child of your own. Over the course of this 12 years he has occasionally or consistently given the impression that he cannot stand said ex.

Roll on 2021 and for some reason you have noticed he has become distant with you, refuses to speak with you and regularly starts coming home late which is out of character for him. It turns out that actually, coincidence or not this coincides with an apparent raft of phone conversations with the ex he purported to hate? Even to the point of refusing to be in contact with you in favour of her. I think I would have been confused and pretty pissed off at the very least by that! A lie of omission is still a lie! Very odd he never mentioned it and it seems calls were timed for when he was out of the home! If it were innocent I would have expected my OH to mention it.

So moving forward to this week. He very kindly almost insisted you stay home and 'rest' whilst he takes your child off for a visit to his mums to give you a break and them a mini holiday. However, he failed to mention that he may see this ex, or even pick up the phone and allow you to speak to your son and then you find out completely by accident that he has conducted another lie of ommission? Yeah I would be pretty fucking pissed too and fearing the worst!

Did you speak to him about how his actions made you feel after your sons birthday? Had you spoken about how you have noticed his distance, getting home late etc and seen all the requests for communication? If you had he would probably know that you felt pretty damn uncomfortable with the situation, and regardless of whether he wanted to spare your feelings he should have said he was going to see her, whether it was planned or spur of the moment! Because otherwise there is always the risk of you finding out (which you have) and even if it is innocent the way he has gone about it makes it look pretty bad from your perspective. I just cant see how you can profess to dislike someone for 12 years and then go on to start having clandestine conversations and meet ups with them all of a sudden and expect your partner not to jump to conclusions. Its the lying and the sneaking around that makes it look very suspicious. If it was as simple as she has come out of an abusive relationship and needs a shoulder to lean on and has no one else then why not say that in the very beginning without you having to find things out? Im not surprised you are fucking angry!

korawick12345 · 26/07/2021 01:20

@User1357

I am in utter disbelief at the number of posters who think OP is overreacting.

I am a very laid back, rational person, often very forgiving and always look at both sides of the coin but this is absolutely mental.

OP and her partner are in a long term relationship with a child and he has taken his ex on holiday to see his mum AND lied? I just read the last thread and they have been separated for 12 years. How in bloody hell is this ok?

What world do you all live in? Even if nothing sexual or untoward is going on between OP’s partner and ex, he is in a relationship and prioritised his ex and then been deceitful about it. He has massively overstepped a boundary and that is before even considering the fact that he has been odd with his phone, speaking with her alit and meeting up with her without discussing it with OP.

What you have done there is make a whole load of assumptions like the OP and then leapt to a conclusion.

He may be a massive arsehole having an affair with his ex - but that is just one possibility of many, so rather than wind OP up it's probably better to let her calm down and find out what has actually happened.

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 26/07/2021 01:20

@HunkyPunk I'll rephrase - it may well be the last opportunity exW has to see her for a long time or even in her lifetime.

I don't think the beach thing is weird. There's a heatwave, she presumably lives by the sea, her visitor or her must have said "let's go to the beach" - were the visitors not meant to enjoy themselves?! Would it be better if they'd all had a miserable time?

Yes he should have told the OP but how many times are women told on MN to tell white lies, such as omitting information about "who'll be there" so as not to upset their partner? It doesn't indicate in the least that they're having an affair.

Stripyhoglets1 · 26/07/2021 01:22

Can't believe the people saying you are overreacting. You aren't - his behaviour is appalling and I'd be every bit as shocked as you are right now in your position.

User1357 · 26/07/2021 01:27

@korawick12345

I will repost my last paragraph:

* What world do you all live in? Even if nothing sexual or untoward is going on between OP’s partner and ex, he is in a relationship and prioritised his ex and then been deceitful about it. He has massively overstepped a boundary and that is before even considering the fact that he has been odd with his phone, speaking with her alit and meeting up with her without discussing it with OP.*

This is not ok in the slightest and I am still friendly with my ex. He regularly comes over for dinner (we have a shared child) and we will even go on shopping trips with daughter and occasionally speak on the phone if he’s having any problems. The huge difference is, my husband knows about it all and is ok with it. I also do not prioritise my ex over my husband. This is not ok. OP is untitled to be furious even before knowing the details. She shouldn’t be in a position where she can jump to conclusions in the first place.

korawick12345 · 26/07/2021 01:30

@User1357 - no need to repost, I read it the first time. Still don't agree with your summary though!

Ohbeeryme · 26/07/2021 01:37

It’s a bit odd, would probably happen in my family! I think the odds are very much that he is not having an affair in a house with his 3 kids, 1 being yours, and his mum. It doesn’t make a bit sense. Why did you say to him before he left that you hope ex isn’t going? Is it because it’s not actually that far fetched a scenario, or are you on at him all the time about her? You surely wouldn’t have said it out of the blue for no reason.

EmeraldShamrock · 26/07/2021 01:38

This is crazy behaviour from DP, I'm wondering did he tell DS to keep it quiet too.
There is no reason for him to visit with his ex as Mil isn't actually dying, even if she was it would be odd.
I couldn't trust him again, wtf was he thinking everyone in on his plot.
Your gut is reliable. Flowers

Guavafish · 26/07/2021 01:41

@Ohbeeryme

It’s a bit odd, would probably happen in my family! I think the odds are very much that he is not having an affair in a house with his 3 kids, 1 being yours, and his mum. It doesn’t make a bit sense. Why did you say to him before he left that you hope ex isn’t going? Is it because it’s not actually that far fetched a scenario, or are you on at him all the time about her? You surely wouldn’t have said it out of the blue for no reason.
Agree… unlikely he would have an affair with his 3 kids and mother all present.

I think there is an element of over reaction. What I don’t understand is what the OP is playing on his return? Is she going to leave him? Forgive him for lying?

XelaM · 26/07/2021 01:42

I'm on good terms with my (idiot) ex-husband. We ate not having an affair but his totally mental partner hates me (we have literally never spoken a single word so it's all in her head) and would go ballistic if she knew he met up with me. I'm also still on good terms with ex's family and especially my ex-MIL. It's possible this is innocent.

However, having said that, I do understand why you are angry.

EmeraldShamrock · 26/07/2021 01:42

but how many times are women told on MN to tell white lies, such as omitting information about "who'll be there" so as not to upset their partner?
This is not a white lie.
I suspect any poster asking if it was okay to lie about going away with her ex would be advised that it's a bad idea.
He has involved her DSC and DS in the plot.

XelaM · 26/07/2021 01:42

are*

HunkyPunk · 26/07/2021 01:45

I'll rephrase - it may well be the last opportunity exW has to see her for a long time or even in her lifetime.

You've rephrased it alright. That's completely different to what you originally said! Why would it be the last opportunity, anyway? If the ex has a relationship with her ex-MIL, she's at liberty to visit whenever she likes, surely?

korawick12345 · 26/07/2021 01:46

@EmeraldShamrock

but how many times are women told on MN to tell white lies, such as omitting information about "who'll be there" so as not to upset their partner? This is not a white lie. I suspect any poster asking if it was okay to lie about going away with her ex would be advised that it's a bad idea. He has involved her DSC and DS in the plot.
We don't actually know that it is a plot and we certainly don't know that it's one that he has intentionally involved anyone in. It's equally possible that the older 'children' invited their mother along. The fact that the OPs son mentioned that the ex was there doesn't really back up the idea that there was a secret plot that he had been told to keep secret
korawick12345 · 26/07/2021 01:47

@HunkyPunk

I'll rephrase - it may well be the last opportunity exW has to see her for a long time or even in her lifetime.

You've rephrased it alright. That's completely different to what you originally said! Why would it be the last opportunity, anyway? If the ex has a relationship with her ex-MIL, she's at liberty to visit whenever she likes, surely?

TBF the OP referred to the MIL as frail and elderly in her original post and then changed her mind about this and recast her as the matriarch hosting a knees up on the beach in later posts. It's easy to see why people were confused
Original poster
RozHuntleysLeftHand · 26/07/2021 01:51

Sorry haven't read all replies. Whether good or bad thank you for your input.

I'm just so so shocked and upset . But maybe I need perspective I don't know anymore?

I need to go to sleep anyway, or at least try.

I'll be back in the morning, my head is just weirded out and spinning, so I might be being massively unreasonable, I don't know.

I'll be back and will read everything, I don't have much IRL support, so anything is helpful.

Thank you.

OP posts:
XelaM · 26/07/2021 01:52

I have a good relationship with my ex-MIL. 99.999% of the time I visit her without ex-husband being there. I don't really need him to take me to see her. If I have a relationship with her, why do I need my ex there?

It does look odd that OP's partner has to "take" his ex to see his mum

korawick12345 · 26/07/2021 01:57

@RozHuntleysLeftHand

Sorry haven't read all replies. Whether good or bad thank you for your input.

I'm just so so shocked and upset . But maybe I need perspective I don't know anymore?

I need to go to sleep anyway, or at least try.

I'll be back in the morning, my head is just weirded out and spinning, so I might be being massively unreasonable, I don't know.

I'll be back and will read everything, I don't have much IRL support, so anything is helpful.

Thank you.

sleep well - I sometimes find listening to a podcast or audio book as i nod off helps my thoughts from running away with me.