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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fuck fuck fuck someone speak to me please

433 replies

RozHuntleysLeftHand · 25/07/2021 23:42

My fucking worst nightmare has just been fucking realised and its really bizarre and I am freaking the actual fuck out.

Too much to put in one post....I cant fucking think straight.

A while ago I posted that "D"p hencforth known as Lying Cunt Face had been talking to his ex behind my back.
(been together 12 years, 1 DC age 9, they have 2 DC both in their 20s)

He touted the idea of taking DS to visit his frail, elderly mum this week, with the DSC, great I get a break, plus he also pushed that as it was my Nans funeral last week and I was miserable, that it would give me a chance to heal.

For some reason I was suspicious that ex would be going, but I told myself I was being crazy paranoid, I don't even know why I suspected but I fucking did.

Well it turns out I was fucking right.

I got suspicious cos despite repeated requests to let DS call me/ just text me I got no reply. (and who fucking does that anyway? I just wanted a quick call at bed time ffs)

So eventually I get a call, and DS lets slip the girls Mum is fucking there.

DP refuses to discuss it and says "I knew you'd be like this which is why I didn't tell you".

Well fucking yeah!!

If he'd been honest from the start....but even then....

I had to be all bright and breezy on the phone to DS....but I'm fucking shaking and my mental health was already shot and this.....

I want my baby home.

I'm fucking shocked and angry and so so sad.

HELP ME

OP posts:
JuneJuly · 26/07/2021 22:06

@VanGoSunflowers

I fucking hate how the shitty behaviour of a man is blamed on a woman simply because she is reacting emotionally to the shit behaviour she has been subjected to

I completely agree.

So many posters lining up to blame the OP for what is happening to her. I’m sure she isn’t perfect (none of us are) but her DPs behaviour isn’t exactly exemplary and to ignore it is completely missing the point.

And not just to ignore his behaviour but to excuse it!
BettyAndFrank · 26/07/2021 22:08

Were you ow op?

Mzombie · 26/07/2021 22:18

Your full stop key appears to be stuck.

It's called an ellipsis.

AdobeWanKenobi · 26/07/2021 23:07

@Mzombie

Your full stop key appears to be stuck.

It's called an ellipsis.

Either way. It’s stuck.
Jinxdoesit · 26/07/2021 23:25

OP, I hope you've heard from him today and maybe had some answers. I completely understand why you're angry and think you should just ignore the posters who are projecting their own fears onto your situation by making comments about you being the OW. It sounds like he has lied to both of you previously and if there is something going on between him and his EXW it's disgusting that he's brought your son along to it.

JHchristsendhalp · 26/07/2021 23:41

@BettyAndFrank

Were you ow op?
Who gives a shit if she was, it was over a decade ago.
Mzombie · 26/07/2021 23:51

@Jinxdoesit

OP, I hope you've heard from him today and maybe had some answers. I completely understand why you're angry and think you should just ignore the posters who are projecting their own fears onto your situation by making comments about you being the OW. It sounds like he has lied to both of you previously and if there is something going on between him and his EXW it's disgusting that he's brought your son along to it.
Nobody's projecting, they are responding to the OP's posts in which she said she believes she was the OW.
hawleybits · 26/07/2021 23:53

@IsThisAkissingBook

I am in that aspect controlling I don't disagree with you. But my husband knew this when we got together. But we are very much a unit just us two and our children, we have no family or friends and it's bloody brilliant.
Is this for real?
Mzombie · 26/07/2021 23:53

Who gives a shit if she was, it was over a decade ago.

Hmmm... anybody with:

a) a grasp of human decency, morality, or frankly karma; and

b) anybody with the slightest understanding of human psychology which means that - given the history of his behaviour to his first family - none of this is remotely surprising.

grapewine · 26/07/2021 23:59

Of course it matters that she was OW, whether she knew it at the time or not. It says everything about what he's like and also goes a long way to explain OP's reaction. She knows what he's capable of.

Jinxdoesit · 27/07/2021 00:48

Nobody's projecting, they are responding to the OP's posts in which she said she believes she was the OW.

The posts such as your own are absolutely projecting, even your last post to someone else suggesting that it's karma when the OP has said she didn't know she was the OW but now thinks he was lying and she might have been.

It might matter that she was the other woman in terms of it would show he is capable of such behaviour, but not in terms of karma or suggesting she somehow deserves it (particularly if she didn't know he was the OW) which is where your own issues and projection is clear.

Mzombie · 27/07/2021 01:05

@Jinxdoesit

Nobody's projecting, they are responding to the OP's posts in which she said she believes she was the OW.

The posts such as your own are absolutely projecting, even your last post to someone else suggesting that it's karma when the OP has said she didn't know she was the OW but now thinks he was lying and she might have been.

It might matter that she was the other woman in terms of it would show he is capable of such behaviour, but not in terms of karma or suggesting she somehow deserves it (particularly if she didn't know he was the OW) which is where your own issues and projection is clear.

Yeah ok, she had no idea. Right? I'd suggest someone who was really that naive shouldn't be getting into a relationship with a man who already has chilldren (and was still living with their mother, his wife at the time!).

I have nothing to project. I've just got little sympathy I'm afraid for someone who admits that they enabled the breakup of a family and then says "I am so shocked that he's a liar!" Hmm

Hopingforabagofbuttons · 27/07/2021 01:50

At the end of the day, if someone cheats within the marriage it is solely down to them. They will find an OW here or there, if the Op hasn’t been the OW then someone else would have been.
I think people feel better to believe this magical temptress STOLE their DH from them, in truth the DH left because he is weak and selfish, or indeed just very miserable and he found something he wanted more
Sure I’m not excusing the actions of any OW, course not, but a decent loving faithful man can’t be tempted away by anyone.
Hope you’ve heard something from your son Op

Mzombie · 27/07/2021 02:05

Oh Jesus, how pathetic.

Women have agency in their decisions, as well.

If they choose men who are clearly unfaithful lying bastards then they usually have to live with the long-term consequences of that.

Hopingforabagofbuttons · 27/07/2021 02:21

Oh Jesus, how pathetic.

Women have agency in their decisions, as well.

If they choose men who are clearly unfaithful lying bastards then they usually have to live with the long-term consequences of that.

I agree with you totally . If you choose to be with someone you know is a liar, then you know what to expect from that person in future.
My point is there is a lot of vitriol directed towards the Op, she didn’t break that marriage he did. No one is saying people shouldn’t have to live by the decisions they make in life.

Mzombie · 27/07/2021 03:05

This reply has been deleted

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LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 27/07/2021 03:36

I think @korawick12345 might be spot on here. "There is no suspect about it, you were the OW. The fact that you are unable to admit that to yourself even now is an indicator of the story you have constructed for yourself around this relationship. The reason you are so angry is because deep down you knew what type of man he was and you chose to push that aside. Why you did that is undoubtedly because of your past relationship history but until you can be totally honest with yourself regarding your actions and his you won't be able to move on IMO."

Mzombie · 27/07/2021 04:07

This reply has been deleted

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Mzombie · 27/07/2021 04:10

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Nicolastuffedone · 27/07/2021 07:11

AdobeWanKenobi No. It’s working perfectly fine, thanks…

VanGoSunflowers · 27/07/2021 07:17

Mzombie you certainly are a bitter individual, aren’t you? Posting over and over on a thread to an OP who is clearly struggling and vulnerable (no matter what ‘mistakes’ she may have made in the past) telling her it’s her fault, you have no sympathy and you feel sorry for her kid? I don’t understand why you’d chose to attack someone in this way, especially someone you don’t even know!

She didn’t ‘chose’ to break up a family. Have you never ever been on the receiving end of a manipulative relationship??

The OPs only crime in that is maybe being a little naive. The OPs DP, however is another matter. Why are you excusing his behaviour? Do you often blame victims for what happens to them? Do you only ever sympathise with someone who has a squeaky clean past and has never made any mistakes?

U2HasTheEdge · 27/07/2021 08:32

Goodness @Mzombie.. the bitterness just pours out of your posts.

Do you feel better now that you have got that all out?

aSofaNearYou · 27/07/2021 09:05

@Mzombie you care so much about a mistake from 10 years ago, you're going to sit there and repeatedly stick the knife in to someone that is very clearly struggling in the middle of an emotional upheaval.

Most people (though not the people that show up on MN in the early evening FSR) are capable of seeing that someone that makes a mistake 10 years ago is capable of growth during that time and worthy of basic human consideration. But if you're not one of those people, why don't you just stop commenting on and reading this thread? What are you getting out of it? Because as far as I can see you're not helping anyone at all, you're just risking pushing someone in a low place over the edge. Why is that something you want to do with your time?

NeedNewKnees · 27/07/2021 09:42

Any news from your DS?

EmeraldShamrock · 27/07/2021 09:52

@RozHuntleysLeftHand I hope you're okay.