Fuck fuck fuck someone speak to me please

[RozHuntleysLeftHand]

My fucking worst nightmare has just been fucking realised and its really bizarre and I am freaking the actual fuck out.

Too much to put in one post....I cant fucking think straight.

A while ago I posted that "D"p hencforth known as Lying Cunt Face had been talking to his ex behind my back.
(been together 12 years, 1 DC age 9, they have 2 DC both in their 20s)

He touted the idea of taking DS to visit his frail, elderly mum this week, with the DSC, great I get a break, plus he also pushed that as it was my Nans funeral last week and I was miserable, that it would give me a chance to heal.

For some reason I was suspicious that ex would be going, but I told myself I was being crazy paranoid, I don't even know why I suspected but I fucking did.

Well it turns out I was fucking right.

I got suspicious cos despite repeated requests to let DS call me/ just text me I got no reply. (and who fucking does that anyway? I just wanted a quick call at bed time ffs)

So eventually I get a call, and DS lets slip the girls Mum is fucking there.

DP refuses to discuss it and says "I knew you'd be like this which is why I didn't tell you".

Well fucking yeah!!

If he'd been honest from the start....but even then....

I had to be all bright and breezy on the phone to DS....but I'm fucking shaking and my mental health was already shot and this.....

I want my baby home.

I'm fucking shocked and angry and so so sad.

HELP ME

The ex didnt have to join them all simple as that they clearly werent up the road so it was a planned trip which the dh lied about

there's also a 9 year old boy having an unacceptably confusing and upsetting experience due to this.

There's absolutely no evidence that he's experiencing anything other than lovely times at the beach with his dad.

Hope your okay OP, I think you need get your DS back and tell him stay at his mums house give you time to get some answers and a clear head away from him

@SixesAndEights

there's also a 9 year old boy having an unacceptably confusing and upsetting experience due to this.

There's absolutely no evidence that he's experiencing anything other than lovely times at the beach with his dad.

He's on holiday with his dad and his ex. Already weird enough for a kid. Even if he's enjoying it, it's confusing and sends a weird message. The ex hates his mum. His mum wasn't invited and he hasn't been allowed to speak to her. His grandma has never treated him the same as his older siblings. When he gets back, his mum and dad are going to have a massive fight.

None of that is an acceptable situation to put him on, and it's all on his dad.

@korawick12345

Suggesting that the DS must be confused an upset is hardly going to make OP feel better.

Knowing that she's right to believe this wasn't fair on DS and should take action to prevent anything like this from happening again is much more helpful to her than sticking the boot in about her once being the OW.

@korawick12345

TBF there is no evidence that her son is having a confusing or upsetting time. On the contrary my guess is that he is just experiencing a nice stay at the seaside with extended family. There is no reason at all for this to be anything but a nice experience for him. There is certainly no information suggesting that he is being involved in whatever the partner is up to.

Lots of children would find it pretty weird going on holiday with their dad's ex wife and older half siblings. OP also mentioned the grandmother is iffy with him compared to his older siblings. His mum isn't invited, his dad is keeping it secret from her, and when they come back there will likely be a big blow up.

If it's all gone over his head and he's enjoying himself, it's still sending a weird message about what his family set up is that OP is not wrong to be uncomfortable with.

Honestly, do people not think about what life is like for younger children in a blended family at all, because holidaying with dad's former family unit is pretty fucking weird.

Think about it, as he took your DS, he must of expected that you would find out about it, but he'd rather do it and get your wrath after, than not go. He probably didn't tell you before, because he didn't want you to stop him from going, he's not bothered about you knowing after, but would rather not have to deal with the drama he's caused by it now, so he's not going to answer you.
How was your MH before you got together? Probably not great after an abusive relationship, but it really doesn't sound like it's improved much since. If you make your welfare dependent upon what a man is doing, that's a rocky foundation. It sounds like his ex and you both cling onto him when the chips are down, and he likes it that way because he wants to be somebodies all maybe. The thing is men who pick women who are the type to make them their everything in life, get disappointed when DC happen, as then they lose their priority standing. His ex can give him total focus now the kids are grown - he's an attention-seeking manchild.

@aSofaNearYou - I don't want to derail the thread but i think in general 'blended' families are of no benefit to any child it's always for the parents benefit. In reality there is nothing weirder about holidaying with Dad's former family unit, than children having to holiday with one of their parents new family units i.e their step parent an half siblings. Not great for the kids either way.

[quote korawick12345]@aSofaNearYou - I don't want to derail the thread but i think in general 'blended' families are of no benefit to any child it's always for the parents benefit. In reality there is nothing weirder about holidaying with Dad's former family unit, than children having to holiday with one of their parents new family units i.e their step parent an half siblings. Not great for the kids either way.[/quote]
It is weirder though. Because it's not an established part of their life (preferably one that's been handled delicately for years) as it is for SKs, and also his dad is still with his mum. Neither are easy for the kids, but this is definitely weirder.

Don’t panic about not being able to reach him now - they’re probably having a day out. Wait until the evening and try again. Make it clear that you want to speak to your son, don’t go off on one with your partner. If your son is fine then that’s the main thing. Ultimately you can’t stop your partner taking your son to meet other people if you split up, so the happy families thing, while painful, isn’t something that you can stop. But in my view it is not acceptable that he hasn’t made it easy for you to speak to your son. I would be furious if my DH did that.

I'm so angry for you op. I honestly don't see how anyone would be ok with this. But I'm very anti opposite sex friendships.

But I'm very anti opposite sex friendships

Well there you go. Completely irrational and controlling behaviour.

I am in that aspect controlling I don't disagree with you. But my husband knew this when we got together. But we are very much a unit just us two and our children, we have no family or friends and it's bloody brilliant.

I made a comment about the bullies getting a kick out of picking on OP and the bullies got it deleted.

Point proven, I think.

Some people are just plain 'orrible.

@DancesWithTortoises

I made a comment about the bullies getting a kick out of picking on OP and the bullies got it deleted.

Point proven, I think.

Some people are just plain 'orrible.

Did you quote my post in yours? Mine got deleted so that may be why yours did. Apparently, the OP is fair game but the bullies…. Not so much.

The message doesn't say it was deleted because it quoted a deleted post, @VanGoSunflowers

Unbelievable that HQ side with some of the real nastiness on this thread.

@VanGoSunflowers - Calling posters bullies 😂 That’s a bit rich coming from someone who refers to posters who have a different opinion as ‘assholes!’ Time to look at yourself, me thinks!

[quote Flumps44]@VanGoSunflowers - Calling posters bullies 😂 That’s a bit rich coming from someone who refers to posters who have a different opinion as ‘assholes!’ Time to look at yourself, me thinks![/quote]
I wasn’t referring to anyone who ‘had a different opinion’ I was referring to people who were directly and, in my opinion, unfairly attacking the OP. You’ve jumped to a conclusion based on absolutely nothing I have said.
So… perhaps you need to look at yourself??

@DancesWithTortoises

The message doesn't say it was deleted because it quoted a deleted post, *@VanGoSunflowers*

Unbelievable that HQ side with some of the real nastiness on this thread.

It’s a really odd dynamic on here sometimes.

I think it’s because it started in AIBU, and they aren’t known as a nest of vipers for nothing!
I think if perhaps the OP had started the thread on the relationship boards she would have received mainly good advice and people wishing well rather than trying to rip her apart further.

I’ve not been on AIBU for a while (name changed a couple of times) and feel like it is worse than I remember.

Someone would have read my post and got offended by the word I used and just deleted it. It won’t be MNHQ, they will have just quickly acted on a report. It’ll be whoever was really THAT offended by me using the term I used (and ironically someone who was probably ripping the OP apart - they can sure dish it out!)

I cannot abide people treating others that way, especially when they’re feeling as vulnerable as the OP is.

@VanGoSunflowers - It’s really odd that a grown woman can’t accept a different opinion and then goes on a tirade to call others bullies, a nest of vipers and ‘assholes!’ If you can’t have a constructive conversation without resorting to those comments, then yes it really does reflect what sort of person you are, grow up!!!

[quote Flumps44]@VanGoSunflowers - It’s really odd that a grown woman can’t accept a different opinion and then goes on a tirade to call others bullies, a nest of vipers and ‘assholes!’ If you can’t have a constructive conversation without resorting to those comments, then yes it really does reflect what sort of person you are, grow up!!![/quote]
I think it’s odd that a grown woman will try and blame another woman for a very unfortunate situation they find themselves in, and to to kick them twice when they are down.

Bullying consists of the targeting of an individual, which is what you (and a few others) did on this thread directly to the OP.
I made a sweeping statement, not calling out anyone in particular. That is not bullying.

Yours was not merely ‘a different opinion’ - there was nastiness and venom there and you said nothing helpful or ‘constructive’ whatsoever.

Also, I find your targeting of me personally very strange indeed. It is my opinion that you are massively projecting.

P.s. if you can call what you’ve posted a ‘different opinion’ then you can accept my post was also a ‘different opinion’

Double standards much…

[quote Flumps44]@VanGoSunflowers - Not projecting at all, nice try I was stating the obvious, she got involved with a man who was suspicious that she was the OW and I said was it any surprise she was now the other woman, she then said his wife hated him, again I said is it any wonder, if you ran off with her husband. That’s not nasty, it’s the truth.
Name-calling is bullying and shows a lack of intelligence!
Having an opinion is not bullying!
If you can’t comprehend the difference, you really are delusional! [/quote]
Exactly, your contributions to this thread were to essentially blame her for not knowing she was the OW, to taunt her for thinking he might change and then you capped it off with essentially not blaming her DPs ex for hating her.

On what planet is that constructive?

@AlternativePerspective

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

What a spiteful post. It never ceases to amaze me how nasty some people can be to someone clearly struggling. What is wrong with you?

I am sorry OP.

I can 'feel' the pain in your posts and I know how awful it is to feel so hurt and frustrated and not knowing what to do with those feelings.

His behaviour is shady as hell, but I am sure your son is safe and of course there is no reason to think he won't be coming home to you. Everything feels out of control at the moment and your thoughts are racing. That is all it is.

I couldn't get past being lied to, after so long of him distancing himself. It's the sneakiness and dishonesty and disengaging with you, and that is a massive issue in itself, whether he is having an affair with her or not.