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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband Taking Trip With Other Women??

339 replies

jennnn4444 · 21/07/2021 16:13

My husband has gotten involved in boxing classes over the past year and the place he takes classes is having a getaway/retreat for 4 days away where they will "do a lot of boxing and fun stuff too". There are about 10-15 people attending (half are women, several women are recently divorced). I do not know these women personally, but from things I've seen and heard they enjoy partying, drinking, and going out a lot. They will share a house with a hot tub for 3-4 nights.

I trust my husband and can't see him cheating, but at the same time I worry that he's putting himself in dangerous territory going away for a long weekend, spending every waking hour with these people, and staying in a house with single women and alcohol.

What are your thoughts?

OP posts:
Shelddd · 21/07/2021 18:34

@SleepingStandingUp

Okay cool, why not have an online dating account to meet friends, why not go to clubs without your partner, why not go to a strip clubs, why not spend the night at your ex's, etc, etc, etc.

It's cool if you're good with those things but I am not and I'm not going to get bullied into thinking those things are normal in a marriage they are not. If you want to do them in your marriage that's fine but that's not typical and I am not a bad person for expecting my partner not to do those things.

TacCat49 · 21/07/2021 18:37

I just looked up boxing retreats on google. They are all about wellness, weight loss, exercise etc. They seem to be more about discipline than the piss up/loose women you are describing. Have you seen the programme they will adhere to?

MissMissTorrance · 21/07/2021 18:39

I'd not be happy with this at all and I'd hope my partner respected me enough to not even suggest he entertains the idea of going.

tarasmalatarocks · 21/07/2021 18:40

@Shelddd. I wouldn’t be cool with it either, simply because I’m married to a decent looking non fat, non bald , relatively successful dude and I trust no one 100% these days if too much booze and an opportunity presents itself. Sad- but that’s how I feel — and if I wanted to do the same I would understand if he wasn’t cool about it either

SleepingStandingUp · 21/07/2021 18:42

Okay cool, why not have an online dating account to meet friends because online dating sites aren't for making friends and i actually have plenty in rl
why not go to clubs without your partner i did pre covid, why wouldn't i?
why not go to a strip clubs not really my thing thanks and there's a massive difference perving over naked bodies and spending time with friends even if they're in cozzies
why not spend the night at your ex's don't talk to him, dont talk to him, he's in America, he lives close enough to me it would be a bit odd.

No one is bullying you into letting your adult partner choose his own friends and trusting him not to try and put his penis into them
Your perfectly entitled to a marriage where you both assume the other will be unfaithful given half a chance.

SleepingStandingUp · 21/07/2021 18:44

@TacCat49

I just looked up boxing retreats on google. They are all about wellness, weight loss, exercise etc. They seem to be more about discipline than the piss up/loose women you are describing. Have you seen the programme they will adhere to?
But the women are DIVORCED. They are fallen. They want your husband Yes, the ones who piss on the floor, last 3 minutes in bed, fart in front of your mother, insist they dont know how to change a nappy. Yup all of them. The scarlet women want them all
Thewookiemustgo · 21/07/2021 18:49

Pretty irrelevant whether women are attached/ single/ divorced/ whatever. Whether or not they fancy him or hit on him is their choice. You have no control over any of it.

Bottom line is whether if he fancied any of them he would hit on them, or decide not to respond if they decided to hit on him.

Do you trust that he has firm boundaries around other women he finds attractive? Even when arseholed? Even when his mates are pushing boundaries and encouraging (either directly or by their own behaviour) him to?

Whatever the situation, it’s whether you trust how he would react to it, boozy, pressured or not.

Also make sure he knows exactly what you would/ would not accept. It doesn’t matter how reasonable or unreasonable anyone else thinks your conditions are, only you know what is or is not ok by you.

Do not ever assume that his definition of what is ok/ not ok when you are not there lines up with yours.

It can be a bloody eye opener what they think is ok if you’ve never had that conversation. Things can get out if hand.
It’s amazing how peer pressure, even assumed peer pressure, affects grown adults as well as kids. People will sometimes ‘go along’ with stuff in a group that they’d never contemplate doing if their partner was present, rather than risk looking like ‘a killjoy’ or ‘the odd one out’ or ‘a prude’. Especially if ‘what happens on this trip stays on this trip’ and you would never find out if nobody told you. I know a married guy (not my husband but he was on the trip) who ended up writing with a Sharpie on a young woman’s bare breast when she asked him to in a bar on a ‘lad’s’ holiday. His wife would have killed him. I’d have bet a lot of money he’d never, ever do anything like that, but the situation, booze and his mates egging him on meant his usual boundaries evaporated. Doesn’t excuse any of it, not one bit, but the thinking was “hell, she wasn’t there, wasn’t going to find out and I’ll look like a dick in front of everyone if I don’t , so where’s the harm?”.

Personally I’d rather stick pins in my eyes than be the ‘cool wife’ and go along with this kind of caper ever again, but then I have my own personal reasons which have no bearing whatsoever on your situation or anyone else’s. That’s my own crap to deal with.

Only you know what you can cope with, whether anyone else thinks you are being reasonable to impose those limits or otherwise.

cosmicbabe · 21/07/2021 18:50

Is your husband the only one not single? Just out of curiosity...

Runmybathforme · 21/07/2021 19:01

There will be shenanigans guaranteed. Booze and a hot tub ?

toocold54 · 21/07/2021 19:04

I could easily be in a house full of men with alcohol and hot tubs and not have sex with anyone.
I’d also trust my partner not to too.
If someone’s going to cheat they’re going to cheat, they don’t need an excuse.

Bridezillamaybe · 21/07/2021 19:08

@Wearywithteens

Can you go along too?
Oh bloody hell
EleanorOlephantisjustfine · 21/07/2021 19:08

It’s a disaster waiting to happen.

Sittinginthesand · 21/07/2021 19:15

I don’t think I know any women who’d be happy with this - and I don’t think I know any married men who’d want to either! Nothing to do with trust it’s just not what married people do! It sounds like a singles weekend, not really appropriate for people of either sex with partners. Also imo it sounds kind of childish and rather tacky.

GameSetMatch · 21/07/2021 19:17

You can’t really stop him going but I’d feel a little uneasy and I’d be worried as well.

AngusThermopyle · 21/07/2021 19:17

Basing my opinion on having been to a similar thing.
I think there will definitely be some shenanigans. Obviously that's not to say your dh would cheat or partake in anything but..
Dh & i both belonged to a sports club. Not boxing but similar.
There have been two 'away' events that we both went to (together obvs). A large house, hot tub, games rooms etc involved.
We were one of two couples, everyone else was married/had partners apart from about 2/3 ppl. There were no other partners at the sports thing as they weren't part of the team iyswim.
At least 6-7 of the people in the group cheated. Out of about 8 women and 6 men (exc' dh & I.)
I do think partly due to the booze flow too. Some people drank way too much than they normally would. Two of the people are now split from their wife/partner.

girlmom21 · 21/07/2021 19:18

I don't think I'd be comfortable with my DP going away on a mixed-sex trip with a group of people I don't know, in all honesty.

I trust him but there'd still be that element of doubt - of the what if?

He does have female friends I'd be perfectly happy with him going away with, but I know them. I wouldn't like it with strangers.

Mantlemoose · 21/07/2021 19:22

Been away on team building weekends with my work loads of times. males & females and we all kept our knickers on. You obviously don't trust him ;(

TedMullins · 21/07/2021 19:23

[quote Shelddd]@SleepingStandingUp

Okay cool, why not have an online dating account to meet friends, why not go to clubs without your partner, why not go to a strip clubs, why not spend the night at your ex's, etc, etc, etc.

It's cool if you're good with those things but I am not and I'm not going to get bullied into thinking those things are normal in a marriage they are not. If you want to do them in your marriage that's fine but that's not typical and I am not a bad person for expecting my partner not to do those things.[/quote]
Eh? Going to clubs without your partner is very normal if you’re going out with a group of friends. What if one partner isn’t into clubbing but the other is? Do they just have to stop? Or the disinterested partner has to drag themselves along every time? Some dating apps like Bumble also have a feature to meet friends, I know two people who are on it to meet friends as they’ve just moved cities, both have long term partners. I think it’s your puritanical views that are atypical here, not people who are capable of doing things with mixed sex friends without shagging everyone in sight. What do you think LGBT people do, lock themselves away and never socialise with anyone?

Debetswell · 21/07/2021 19:24

Tell him to keep his boxing gloves on at all times.

bookworm20 · 21/07/2021 19:26

No, I wouldn't like this setup either OP.
Booze, hottubs, relaxing, essentially taking yourself out of your everyday life and just chilling out.

Recipe for disaster.

Its not about that you don't trust your OH, I get that. But you throw all those things into the mix..... its not an everyday situation is it.

Does he actually want to go?

TedMullins · 21/07/2021 19:30

@Sittinginthesand

I don’t think I know any women who’d be happy with this - and I don’t think I know any married men who’d want to either! Nothing to do with trust it’s just not what married people do! It sounds like a singles weekend, not really appropriate for people of either sex with partners. Also imo it sounds kind of childish and rather tacky.
I must have missed the memo that married people aren’t allowed to do things with groups of friends. Oh no wait, I didn’t, because there’s no such rule. This is such a bizarre attitude I don’t even know where to start. What are married people supposed to do in your opinion? Never go out in public without their spouse? Surgically attach themselves to each other?
Bridezillamaybe · 21/07/2021 19:31

You all sound like a barrel of laughs. I think it sounds brilliant. I would love it and be so turned off if my DP thought it was a dangerous situation for me to be in. Likewise I would tell him to go and enjoy himself.

I'm confident he wouldn't betray me because I trust him. If I'm wrong well he would have betrayed me elsewhere.

I went on a booze fuelled weekend alone with a mixed gang when my daughter was about ten months old. Couples and singles. There was a hot tub. I even had history with two of the guys; one was there with his fiance, one alone . Nothing whatsoever took place that would have upset my DP.

toocold54 · 21/07/2021 19:31

If DH didnt trust me to not have sex whilst away, we wouldn't be married any more.

I completely agree!

Those saying they wouldn’t trust him is because they know they’d end up cheating in that situation but it’s not fair to judge someone else on what they would do.

Mantlemoose · 21/07/2021 19:31

@Thewookiemustgo
It’s amazing how peer pressure, even assumed peer pressure, affects grown adults as well as kids. People will sometimes ‘go along’ with stuff in a group that they’d never contemplate doing if their partner was present
No, that's just an excuse

bookworm20 · 21/07/2021 19:33

@Thewookiemustgo

Pretty irrelevant whether women are attached/ single/ divorced/ whatever. Whether or not they fancy him or hit on him is their choice. You have no control over any of it.

Bottom line is whether if he fancied any of them he would hit on them, or decide not to respond if they decided to hit on him.

Do you trust that he has firm boundaries around other women he finds attractive? Even when arseholed? Even when his mates are pushing boundaries and encouraging (either directly or by their own behaviour) him to?

Whatever the situation, it’s whether you trust how he would react to it, boozy, pressured or not.

Also make sure he knows exactly what you would/ would not accept. It doesn’t matter how reasonable or unreasonable anyone else thinks your conditions are, only you know what is or is not ok by you.

Do not ever assume that his definition of what is ok/ not ok when you are not there lines up with yours.

It can be a bloody eye opener what they think is ok if you’ve never had that conversation. Things can get out if hand.
It’s amazing how peer pressure, even assumed peer pressure, affects grown adults as well as kids. People will sometimes ‘go along’ with stuff in a group that they’d never contemplate doing if their partner was present, rather than risk looking like ‘a killjoy’ or ‘the odd one out’ or ‘a prude’. Especially if ‘what happens on this trip stays on this trip’ and you would never find out if nobody told you. I know a married guy (not my husband but he was on the trip) who ended up writing with a Sharpie on a young woman’s bare breast when she asked him to in a bar on a ‘lad’s’ holiday. His wife would have killed him. I’d have bet a lot of money he’d never, ever do anything like that, but the situation, booze and his mates egging him on meant his usual boundaries evaporated. Doesn’t excuse any of it, not one bit, but the thinking was “hell, she wasn’t there, wasn’t going to find out and I’ll look like a dick in front of everyone if I don’t , so where’s the harm?”.

Personally I’d rather stick pins in my eyes than be the ‘cool wife’ and go along with this kind of caper ever again, but then I have my own personal reasons which have no bearing whatsoever on your situation or anyone else’s. That’s my own crap to deal with.

Only you know what you can cope with, whether anyone else thinks you are being reasonable to impose those limits or otherwise.

This is a great post.

Its ok saying my OH would never cheat, but take a scenario so out of the ordinary, throw in drink, banter, fun, hottubs and women in bikinis and well, yeah. He might take a little trip over his boundary line. Especially if someone was showing ALOT of interest in him.