Husband Taking Trip With Other Women??

[jennnn4444]

My husband has gotten involved in boxing classes over the past year and the place he takes classes is having a getaway/retreat for 4 days away where they will "do a lot of boxing and fun stuff too". There are about 10-15 people attending (half are women, several women are recently divorced). I do not know these women personally, but from things I've seen and heard they enjoy partying, drinking, and going out a lot. They will share a house with a hot tub for 3-4 nights.

I trust my husband and can't see him cheating, but at the same time I worry that he's putting himself in dangerous territory going away for a long weekend, spending every waking hour with these people, and staying in a house with single women and alcohol.

What are your thoughts?

It's not all about trust, it's about intentionally doing something that would make your partner feel uncomfortable/consideration for your partner.

But that doesn't mean she should be comfortable with every situation. The most moral people have stumbled given the right - or wrong - circumstances.

But where do we draw the line? I want to go away with a mixed group for my new hobby, has hot tub and divorced men. Lots of people agree i shouldn't.
I want to go away with my old uni mate, mixed sex whom I've known for 20 years. Ok or not? What if i slept with one of them in freshers? Or a relationship?

I want to go on a works night out, i want to visit my friend who's brother is stopping over, i want to go to lunch with a few people at work, i want to go to lunch with Steve from work, i want to talk to the Dad at play group.

DH says they all make him uncomfortable. It isn't that he doesn't trust me.... It's about inviting people into our marriage who can harm us.

What if the worry isn't sexual - all the above but same sex and I'm heterosexual. He thinks they're a bad influence. He thinks they're coming between us. He just feel uncomfortable and if i loved and respected him....

[quote Thewookiemustgo]@UpstreamSwimmer that’s exactly what I meant. He wasn’t. He isn’t. Nobody is that ‘type’.
What it changed for me is that I no longer think there are guarantees of anyone’s behaviour.[/quote]
There aren't but if the answer to police someone's behaviour for decades, to control his friendships and not let him do anything we don't want him to do on the off chance he'll cheat 30 years down the line?

To echo a previous poster, if your husband agreed that he wouldn’t go for this reason then he admitted you are correct that he would cheat if he got drunk. How lovely. How healthy.

@SleepingStandingUp sorry, don’t understand how you got that from what I wrote, I wasn’t offering an answer, I was replying to a poster about another point, about whether there are ‘types’ or cast iron guarantees that a person won’t cheat. I wasn’t implying that the answer was to police anybody for thirty years. It’s pointless. Constantly ‘policing’ anyone won’t make a bit of difference except to make them resentful and drive things underground. Not a great basis for any relationship. It wasn’t the basis for mine.
I have no ‘answer’ because there isn’t one. It honestly doesn’t matter what you do/ do not want people to do, or what you are comfortable/ are not comfortable with your partner doing, there is no guarantee. It doesn’t mean that people who would never cheat don’t exist, it just means you can never absolutely know that they would not.
Policing somebody’s behaviour is controlling, exhausting and totally fruitless, people will find a way to do what they want if they want to anyway.

Re OP’s situation, if it’s a one-off/rare event and OP isn’t comfortable with the situation, if her partner doesn’t mind whether he attends one way or the other, and has chosen not to go out of respect for her feelings and they are both happy with that, I cant see a problem at all. ‘Policing’ suggests an ongoing pattern of controlling behaviour which is another thing entirely.

@Thewookiemustgo sorry it was a general point in relation to the general direction of the thread. I did post up thread i was pleased they'd reached an agreement.

Re policing om just curious where the kine is for some posters. Everyone can cheat at any point doing any activity so if we're removing ourselves from anything that might risk our relationship, what does that leave?.

I don't think DH would pr has cheated, but i accept i don't have proof either way and cannot predict our future

@SleepingStandingUp no need to apologise at all. X

I think that we all have boundaries to some extent and it’s actually necessary in any relationship. Marriage has vows which provide the framework within which the relationship should function, for example. It’s a healthy discussion to know what each person in a relationship understands (and will be ok with) by ‘cheating’ or even something as common as ‘staying out late’. Etc.
Everyone’s lines will be drawn in different places depending on many factors. What’s important is that the two people in the relationship understand and are willing to live within and respect each others’ boundaries and simultaneously find them reasonable. What is reasonable for some might look too controlling or conversely too liberal for others.

Totally get what you mean by ‘what does that leave?’ as you could object to anyone ever going anywhere if you wanted to. The only way to avoid a car crash is to never drive or get into a vehicle again. Possible but highly impractical.
However, there is a way to never cheat, and that is actually to police behaviour. Our own.

However, there is a way to never cheat, and that is actually to police behaviour. Our own.
Exactly. I was away with friends Saturday. Ordinarily would sleep over but covid and young babies so came home. We (mostly) all drink two nights in a row and often into the small hours. Ive never so much as tried to snog someone because even drunk, i wouldn't fuck up my life like that

@iBrows

To echo a previous poster, if your husband agreed that he wouldn’t go for this reason then he admitted you are correct that he would cheat if he got drunk. How lovely. How healthy.

Mm no, he agreed he's feel.unconfortable abd would probably rather she didn't go in circumstances.

People can feel a situation is a bit inappropriate and uncomfortable for their partner (and even them) without necessary thinking either would cheat.

I do agree with the poster above however who says where do you draw the line.

*in reverse circumstances

People can feel a situation is a bit inappropriate and uncomfortable for their partner (and even them) without necessary thinking either would cheat.
So if theres no fear of cheating, and there's no mention of anything illegal, what would make spending time doing a hobby you enjoy with friends inappropriate? Op hasn't mentioned being stuck at home under a mountain of babies, him doing this every weekend, it impacting on their future plans etc. It is specifically the harlot divorcee's

@UpstreamSwimmer. Yes, I agree

I find this thread very interesting. I am kind of in both camps. I've gone on a very similar trip and my DH was cool with it. I'd also be cool with him.

However I wouldn't be cool with everything. A group of married guys in our circle went on a stag to Prague a few years ago with other single guysy. I realised I was getting a highly edited version and it made me feel a bit glum that they were happy to talk about taking piles of drugs so the omitted information must have involved women.

So if DP said he was going on a weekend with these fellas I would not be keen. I would wonder what he was going to get out of it. I know he would agree with me but my previous short term boyfriend wouldn't tolerate that at all, would say I was being controlling.

So I guess the main thing is that the couple are compatible on where the line is drawn, neither feel controlled and it's equitable.

I am also surprised to hear that so many of these hobby / fitness weekends involve shenanigans.

[quote jennnn4444]@theodoracarp I hear you, but I’m trying to understand where is the line? For instance, let’s take it a step farther and say a partner wants to go on a trip similar to this, but his ex will be there. How would you feel in that situation ?

Do you use the same logic of I trust him or I don’t, so there’s no way that all the drinking, alone time, etc. could possibly ever lead to anything because I trust him and he’s never given me a reason to question? Would you be concerned at all that something could happen based on this specific scenario?

How do you determine what is respectable and not or do you say your partner can go do anything and everything with anyone because you trust him?[/quote]
Your husband is a grown man. Like you. There is nothing you can do to keep him from these actions. It's his choice.
If you are not satisfied with his choice, then there are several options:

1. you trust him. This does not mean that you believe, but let him do whatever he wants. If so, why do you need such a person next to you? You build a relationship on mutual respect, compromise and openness, when you can talk frankly with your husband and explain what you do not like in his behavior, how it can be changed or somehow compromised, and he can do the same in return. Trust is about common sense.
2. you do not trust him, start constant scandals, new relationships, claims in an ultimatum, and he continues to do exactly the same thing as before. Sometimes it happens as if to spite you on a subconscious level.

Unfortunately, an adult, established personality cannot be changed if he himself does not want to change.

I would do a bit of digging to make sure he isn't already carrying on with one of them and not going just the two of them !