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Original poster

Husband Taking Trip With Other Women??

339 replies

jennnn4444 · 21/07/2021 16:13

My husband has gotten involved in boxing classes over the past year and the place he takes classes is having a getaway/retreat for 4 days away where they will "do a lot of boxing and fun stuff too". There are about 10-15 people attending (half are women, several women are recently divorced). I do not know these women personally, but from things I've seen and heard they enjoy partying, drinking, and going out a lot. They will share a house with a hot tub for 3-4 nights.

I trust my husband and can't see him cheating, but at the same time I worry that he's putting himself in dangerous territory going away for a long weekend, spending every waking hour with these people, and staying in a house with single women and alcohol.

What are your thoughts?

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 23/07/2021 17:02

For instance, let’s take it a step farther and say a partner wants to go on a trip similar to this, but his ex will be there. How would you feel in that situation ?
What's the motivation for the trip?
Who else is going?
What's their relationship like?
Because there's a massive difference between "Sally and I, my ex who i was with for a decade, who i still text loads, are booking a cottage for the two of us at a naked yoga retreat over your birthday weekend" and "that boxing trip im going on, my ex Sally is going. Yeah, the one i was with for 4 months ages ago. Think she got married last Spring"

Original poster
jennnn4444 · 23/07/2021 18:57

@SleepingStandingUp

But its interesting that the safeguarding involves not having him around women overnight, not him moderating his drink or otherwise behaving.
Who said this?? I’ve consistently said it’s a combination of factors. You and others have read into that as if I’m making excuses for my husband and putting all the blame on the women. Not the case, never said it. Clearly it takes two!

What's the motivation for the trip?
Who else is going?
What's their relationship like?

Too many questions…could there be a situation with a previous ex (maybe not your specific situation), but in general based on different types of relationships where you could see this being a complicated situation or do you still think “trust or no trust, period” ?

OP posts:
silkience · 23/07/2021 20:20

Doesn't matter the situation. If someone wants to cheat they will

Nonsense. Few people "set out" to cheat. Most affairs happen at work. People become friendly, form an affinity, then on a work night out, disinhibited by alcohol, end up snogging, or worse.

Let's not be naive about it. Human beings are primal in many ways and the most effective way to avoid cheating is avoiding situations where it's really fucking easy!

SleepingStandingUp · 23/07/2021 20:24

Too many questions…could there be a situation with a previous ex (maybe not your specific situation), but in general based on different types of relationships where you could see this being a complicated situation or do you still think “trust or no trust, period” if this is a complicated situation ie an ex, then there isn't total trust

tarasmalatarocks · 23/07/2021 21:47

@silkience — totally correct. If folks dont get that being ‘out of sight’ plus booze plus social times plus semi undressed women/hot tubs might make some normally perfectly loyal guys act out of character— they need to give their heads a wobble.

TheFoundations · 23/07/2021 22:44

I think that the people who don't think that trust is possible need to 'give their heads a wobble'.

It's so sad what people are saying. 'If my husband got drunk with an attractive woman, of course I wouldn't trust him! It's obvious! He's a man! If you don't think like that, you're a fool!'

It's a pathetically low bar, and an insult to the many trustworthy, loyal men in the world.

Janaih · 23/07/2021 22:55

Maybe some of us just live in the real world.

As a pp mentioned, the vast majority of cheating husband threads start "I never thought this would happen to me, I thought we were happy..."

Why tempt fate? Drunken hot tubbing? Why, that's the sort of thing they do on love Island, a programme heavily geared towards getting people to have sex with each other.

Lookingoutside · 23/07/2021 23:10

Single women and alcohol?!!!!!!

Alert the church elders.

SleepingStandingUp · 24/07/2021 06:57

It's a pathetically low bar, and an insult to the many trustworthy, loyal men in the world. But akso to women. We're either desperate to lure someone else's man to big up our sense of self worth, or just desperate to bag any man to big up pur sense of self worth. If this was about them having sex with all the single guys telhen fair do's but apparently once they've had a few drinks they just won't be able to not hop on

SleepingStandingUp · 24/07/2021 07:00

As a pp mentioned, the vast majority of cheating husband threads start "I never thought this would happen to me, I thought we were happy..." And what proportion of those involved drunken semi-nakedness AND weren't heading towards cheating any way?

And i say this as someone who's ex cheated on her with a woman from dive club which probably started on one of their away trips.

TheFoundations · 24/07/2021 07:26

@Janaih

Maybe some of us just live in the real world.

As a pp mentioned, the vast majority of cheating husband threads start "I never thought this would happen to me, I thought we were happy..."

Why tempt fate? Drunken hot tubbing? Why, that's the sort of thing they do on love Island, a programme heavily geared towards getting people to have sex with each other.

Yes, the real world, as in 'Not on Love Island'.

Just because some people cheat, it doesn't logically follow that nobody can be trusted.

And yes, why tempt fate? Lock your husbands away immediately, and don't allow them to spend time with women, especially the sort of woman who dresses in a way to tempt men. That will definitely protect your relationship, and keep you both in that blissful honeymoon phase. Lack of trust is a surefire way to relationship bliss.

marieantoinehairnet · 24/07/2021 07:34

It's a shagathon event

To be honest, all that steam and sweat, I'd be concerned about him being covid home more than anything.

Jenasaurus · 25/07/2021 05:37

My Ex climbed Snowdon with some females from the office (all single) and 2 other men from the office, all big drinkers and they shared a cabin, and the reason he is an ex is the result of that trip away, it was very telling when the DD of one of the women on the trip made the comment when she discovered he had a GF, "but I thought mum was your GF"...

SarahDarah · 25/07/2021 13:01

I don't know anyone in a healthy relationship who does repeated overnights drinking with single people of opposite sex. It's just not something that happens in a healthy relationship typically.

Exactly. If it's a one off for a good reason I would understand but these are red flags if he's doing this gym thing regularly as they all would have built up a relationship with each other and be familiar.

If a guy is acting like the above.in bold, from what I've seen, the woman is either been gaslight to accept this sort of behaviour (which often goes hand in hand with other disrespectful behaviour in the relationship), or the guy is emotionally or physically cheating and the woman is none the wiser.

SleepingStandingUp · 25/07/2021 15:57

I don't know anyone in a healthy relationship who does repeated overnights drinking with single people of opposite sex. It's just not something that happens in a healthy relationship typically.

Exactly. If it's a one off for a good reason I would understand but these are red flags if he's doing this gym thing regularly as they all would have built up a relationship with each other and be familiar.

But this residential IS a one off so presumably thats ok?

But you also seem to say going to the gym every week is a red flag. Really? Anyone who does a weekly hobby is ripe for an affair??

WatieKatie · 25/07/2021 18:48

Is there an option for you going along too?

Would you look to stop him going?

Is there any difference in you going away and sharing accommodation with a number of divorced people or single men?

SleepingStandingUp · 25/07/2021 19:22

@WatieKatie

Is there an option for you going along too?

Would you look to stop him going?

Is there any difference in you going away and sharing accommodation with a number of divorced people or single men?

OPs already convinced him not to go in case he gets drunk and cheats
UpstreamSwimmer · 25/07/2021 19:31

It seems some people are incapable of understanding the difference between those who set out to do bad, and crimes of opportunity.

TheFoundations · 25/07/2021 19:35

@UpstreamSwimmer

It seems some people are incapable of understanding the difference between those who set out to do bad, and crimes of opportunity.
And also some who don't understand that many people have no interest in cheating, regardless of circumstance.
WatieKatie · 25/07/2021 19:35

@SleepingStandingUp thank you, I didn’t see that!

Pity, he’s an adult and surely if he’s capable of cheating it could be at any opportunity not just a weekend away.

SleepingStandingUp · 25/07/2021 19:49

[quote WatieKatie]@SleepingStandingUp thank you, I didn’t see that!

Pity, he’s an adult and surely if he’s capable of cheating it could be at any opportunity not just a weekend away.[/quote]
Well he agreed he'd feel the same back - i guess if you both agree you'd cheat if you had a drink thats some sort of ... something

Thewookiemustgo · 25/07/2021 22:00

@iBrows nobody marries anyone they think might cheat on them. Nobody has a cheating husband until he does.
I hope you’re right about yours.
I was right about mine for 34 years. I’d have said exactly the same as you. Then totally out of the blue and out of character I was wrong.

butterkistpop · 25/07/2021 22:15

I wouldn't be happy with this and would let him know I wasn't happy. Likewise I wouldn't expect him to be happy if the tables were turned. It's not all about trust, it's about intentionally doing something that would make your partner feel uncomfortable/consideration for your partner.

Anecdata: my then married SIL went on one of these boxing retreats where she started an affair.

UpstreamSwimmer · 25/07/2021 22:31

[quote Thewookiemustgo]@iBrows nobody marries anyone they think might cheat on them. Nobody has a cheating husband until he does.
I hope you’re right about yours.
I was right about mine for 34 years. I’d have said exactly the same as you. Then totally out of the blue and out of character I was wrong.[/quote]
That's probably because for many years he really wasn't that kind of husband.

It's a fallacy to think people either are or aren't 'that kind of person' who'd do whatever. Decent people have morals values. But those values are often in conflict with our base desires.

It can be that someone will resist the temptation for many years, and in fact not even consider whatever it is to be a struggle. But then something changes. In the case of cheating it can be several factors combining, to allow the temptation to creep up. And suddenly the same person finds their values have shifted.

Which is why I'm so for the OP. She can be very trusting of her husband, and rightfully so. But that doesn't mean she should be comfortable with every situation. The most moral people have stumbled given the right - or wrong - circumstances.

Thewookiemustgo · 25/07/2021 23:59

@UpstreamSwimmer that’s exactly what I meant. He wasn’t. He isn’t. Nobody is that ‘type’.
What it changed for me is that I no longer think there are guarantees of anyone’s behaviour.