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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband Taking Trip With Other Women??

339 replies

jennnn4444 · 21/07/2021 16:13

My husband has gotten involved in boxing classes over the past year and the place he takes classes is having a getaway/retreat for 4 days away where they will "do a lot of boxing and fun stuff too". There are about 10-15 people attending (half are women, several women are recently divorced). I do not know these women personally, but from things I've seen and heard they enjoy partying, drinking, and going out a lot. They will share a house with a hot tub for 3-4 nights.

I trust my husband and can't see him cheating, but at the same time I worry that he's putting himself in dangerous territory going away for a long weekend, spending every waking hour with these people, and staying in a house with single women and alcohol.

What are your thoughts?

OP posts:
Chikapu · 22/07/2021 17:37

Jesus christ this thread is depressing. Just chain your other halves to a radiator when they aren't at work, no chance of them accidentally shagging someone else in a hot tub then.

updownroundandround · 22/07/2021 17:44

@TedMullins

I'm not convinced UpstreamSwimmer has the capacity to see the connection Hmm

Maybe his wife isn't home right now to 'direct' him accordingly Grin

Or perhaps it's more of a personal experience kind of thing for Upstream ? Must be something about 'glass houses' and 'stones' Grin

TheFoundations · 22/07/2021 17:56

@hellcatspangle

There's a possibility everywhere every day that some immoral woman might throw herself at OP's husband. It's a risk we take every time we step out the door.

Well that might be true, but most of the time people aren't in a position to act on it are they? If you're sharing a house for a weekend, everyone's relaxed, having fun, drinking, dipping in and out of the hot tub with barely a stitch on. In terms of creating the perfect situation for cheating , this is pretty much it.

If people want to sleep with people outside of their marriage, they create a situation where they can do it. They don't need 4 nights away and a hot tub!
Funk2funky · 22/07/2021 20:30

@TheFoundations so you would be absolutely fine and have no worries about your dh going away with a bunch of women you’ve never met, with boozing and hot tubs? You would happily send him off and not think about it the entire 4 days?

tarasmalatarocks · 22/07/2021 20:52

@countrygirl99. I’m not actually sure what it is that would cause a debate— we don’t have kids at home anymore. if I’m honest I think it’s because he wouldn’t much fancy 4 days on his own and doesn’t have local friends. He knows a lot of people but not locally as he doesn’t do sport or anything like that. When he has free time he tends to like to do stuff with me. I don’t think it’s because he thinks I would cheat at all

TheFoundations · 22/07/2021 21:09

[quote Funk2funky]@TheFoundations so you would be absolutely fine and have no worries about your dh going away with a bunch of women you’ve never met, with boozing and hot tubs? You would happily send him off and not think about it the entire 4 days?[/quote]
I don't have a dh, but yes, my partner. And anybody else who trusts their partner will tell you the same. There are pps on this thread saying it. How many times do you need to hear it? Does it seem like some other-worldy fantasy to you that some people trust their partners? What a shame.

SleepingStandingUp · 22/07/2021 21:19

so you would be absolutely fine and have no worries about your dh going away with a bunch of men and women you’ve never met, with boxing training and boozing and hot tubs? You would happily send him off and not think about it the entire 4 days?

Not think about him? Or not think about him cheating on you? No. I wouldn't be thinking about the latter.

SleepingStandingUp · 22/07/2021 21:22

@funk2funky how would you feel, as my partner, about me going away for a weekend with lots of drinking, lots of emotionally connecting experiences with lots and lots of men/women you hadn't met? Is it just the hot tub? Just the fact they're all likely to have good bodies?

Bridezillamaybe · 22/07/2021 21:31

Listen they're not the cast of Temptation Island. Just because they're into boxing does not mean they are going to look like lingerie models. Myself and DP both have lots of fitness interests. I would have no concerns about him heading off with a mixed group. In fact I've said to him quite a few times recently if a weekend comes up he should go.

I get people feel differently about this and I agree with the posters who said OP should not feel bad for her feelings but I strongly object to the accusation that I and other posters claiming they would be ok with this are lying.

I would be ok with this. My partner has been ok with a nearly identical situation.

cosmicbabe · 22/07/2021 22:28

I see OP hasn't come back to their thread Hmm

Funk2funky · 22/07/2021 22:39

We are all different I guess. I wouldn’t be comfortable. My dh has a lot of female friends, single , married etc . They do group things away.
Work colleagues also no issues
Some random ‘party’ type people I’ve never met , not so much no. Perhaps I trust others about 99%, perhaps I’ve seen too much over the years . The decent guys who talked about their wife or girlfriend all evening , hitting on me when pissed. Experienced too many of those in my 20’s and watched the nice guys cheating. So disappointing. I’m may be a little more cynical of people in general when exposed to very opportunistic situations, having seen a lot of it.
I think everyone has the potential to cheat.
Anyway the op was asking for support for her feelings and to discuss. Not to be shot down. You can’t help how you feel. She’s disappeared now, probably scared off by some of these posts

Jenasaurus · 22/07/2021 23:07

@tarasmalatarocks

Just a thought too although I will no doubt be flamed by those who would be 100% cool about it— I wouldn’t be surprised if ‘some’ women actively go to boxing looking to meet blokes. I say ‘some’ as Im sure plenty just think it’s a way of keeping fit, but I suspect it might well be on those lists of 100 places to meet , like car maintenance classes etc. You must all have incredibly cool partners because I’m sure if I said I was having a social weekend away with a mixed group from the gym (not long term friends) there would be a debate about it in my house.— and I am 100% trustworthy.
Yes I remember a couple of friends of mine signing up for a hobbys purely as they thought they would meet men. One was golf, the other was Car maintenance.
Original poster
jennnn4444 · 23/07/2021 00:17

Haven’t disappeared… it’s just taken awhile to read the comments and respond back. It’s amazing how much some of you chose to read into my question and the assumptions and judgements you chose to make about me and my husband from a simple scenario/question. There’s a lot I could say in reply, but just don’t have time to continue a conversation with people who clearly don’t care to actually help me.

I did want to say THANK YOU to so many of you who genuinely wanted to offer me advice and help in this situation. You all are awesome and I truly appreciate your perspectives and thoughtful responses!

In short, I discussed with my husband and explained that this made me uncomfortable..not because I don’t trust him, but because in my view this isn’t an appropriate thing for a married person to do. I asked how he would feel if I asked the question back to him of me going away on the same type of trip and he was also uncomfortable with that idea. I told him I didn’t want him to feel like I don’t trust him and he said he doesn’t take it that way at all and understands why I would feel the way I do and said he would not attend.

OP posts:
countrygirl99 · 23/07/2021 05:27

[quote tarasmalatarocks]@countrygirl99. I’m not actually sure what it is that would cause a debate— we don’t have kids at home anymore. if I’m honest I think it’s because he wouldn’t much fancy 4 days on his own and doesn’t have local friends. He knows a lot of people but not locally as he doesn’t do sport or anything like that. When he has free time he tends to like to do stuff with me. I don’t think it’s because he thinks I would cheat at all[/quote]
He sounds a bit like mine until he got into his hobby. I had to virtually kick him out so I didn't feel guilty about having more hobby time. Now he's off at training camps/weekend comps more often than me. And, like you, kids off our hands, so I have no problem with that at all.

garlictwist · 23/07/2021 05:31

This would not bother me at all. Either you trust your husband or you don't.

FayCarew · 23/07/2021 07:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

outdooryone · 23/07/2021 08:16

I'm male.
I've travelled for work a lot, particularly in Europe n exchange programmes. On a few occasions its been with 4-10 from UK. we meet upto 20 others, 80%+ were women. Regularly we've shared self catering accommodation. I've sat on beaches, had a few beers in the pub, had nice meals out, worked long hours, visited some nice places with them etc.
I didn't go looking for a relationship or shag, I stayed faithful to my ex, and didn't want to throw away what we had on some daft affair.

You either trust him or not.

Sittinginthesand · 23/07/2021 08:23

And is that true for everyone?

TheFoundations · 23/07/2021 08:25

@FayCarew

He's probably shagging one of them already or wants to.
Background knowledge extraordinaire!
Funk2funky · 23/07/2021 08:26

@jennnn4444 I’m glad you resolved it through good communication and the decision was left to your dh , who also would have felt uncomfortable when he thought about it. You can now ignore this thread Grin

FayCarew · 23/07/2021 08:30

@Foundations, indeed!

Bridezillamaybe · 23/07/2021 08:33

@FayCarew

He's probably shagging one of them already or wants to.
Oh bore off. Pathetic.
Bridezillamaybe · 23/07/2021 08:37

@jennnn4444 I'm glad you have resolved things with your husband and all is well.

I don't know what to make of your last post though -

Some of you are awful, some of you are great, thanks to the ones who are great. By 'who tried to help me' do you mean the people who agreed with your perspective? If so, pretty rude frankly. You posted presumably looking for different perspectives and you got them.

If I've misunderstood then I apologise.

FayCarew · 23/07/2021 08:41

That is good news @jennnn4444, and good on you for discussing it with him. Best wishes.

SleepingStandingUp · 23/07/2021 08:48

Im glad youre both happy op.

Still perplexed by the "not suitable for married people" but though. Did he admot being around them would make him want to have sex with them or lead to lustful thoughts? Im assuming and hoping not!

So Assuming he reassured you he'd never cheat, what is it that makes terribly unsuitable?

There's an air of "proper grown ups" to the unsuitably thing. Once you're a proper grown up you don't need to mix with others who aren't also married and sensible, no need to drink more than one small glass of sherry a night etx

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