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Original poster

Husband Taking Trip With Other Women??

339 replies

jennnn4444 · 21/07/2021 16:13

My husband has gotten involved in boxing classes over the past year and the place he takes classes is having a getaway/retreat for 4 days away where they will "do a lot of boxing and fun stuff too". There are about 10-15 people attending (half are women, several women are recently divorced). I do not know these women personally, but from things I've seen and heard they enjoy partying, drinking, and going out a lot. They will share a house with a hot tub for 3-4 nights.

I trust my husband and can't see him cheating, but at the same time I worry that he's putting himself in dangerous territory going away for a long weekend, spending every waking hour with these people, and staying in a house with single women and alcohol.

What are your thoughts?

OP posts:
toocold54 · 23/07/2021 09:04

I told him I didn’t want him to feel like I don’t trust him and he said he doesn’t take it that way at all and understands why I would feel the way I do and said he would not attend.

This makes me so sad. I can only imagine the replies if a man said this to a female.

If you came on here and said you don’t trust him which is why you don’t want to go then more posters would be on your side but to pretend you trust him when you obviously don’t is the most frustrating thing here. I hope you don’t want to join any hobbies in the future

I remember my friends ex used to say she couldn’t do things like this ‘it wasn’t her he didn’t trust he just knew what other men were like’ she understood then it led to not being allowed to go out for an evening incase there was men drinking because ‘he knew what they were capable of’ which she agreed to as he’s looking out for her and now it’s led to she can’t see her female friends ‘Incase we bring our boyfriends around and they try it on with her’.
If someone’s going to cheat they’re going to cheat, you can’t stop an adult from doing what they want because you’re insecure.

SleepingStandingUp · 23/07/2021 09:09

That's awful @toocold54, i hope she sees who he is one day and leaves

TedMullins · 23/07/2021 09:43

I agree, it’s very depressing. Having fun doesn’t suddenly become inappropriate when you’re married or past a certain age. I find that a bizarre and stifling way to think.

Original poster
jennnn4444 · 23/07/2021 11:50

@Bridezillamaybe I’m sorry if it came across to you that I was only appreciative of the comments who agreed with me because that’s absolutely not the case!

To clarify, I’m appreciative of any comment that was thoughtful regardless of which opinion the person had. I came here wanting to hear a variety of perspectives on this situation.

What I didn’t come here for were the were rude and insensitive comments on this thread and that is who I was addressing that portion of my comment toward. Ultimately, I started reading those and laughing anyways…quickly realized which comments to consider and which comments came from people who

OP posts:
Original poster
jennnn4444 · 23/07/2021 12:26

So to add a little bit more context…my husband travels quite a bit with his job, does a couple of guy trips per year, and goes out with his friends when he wants. We are not in a depressing relationship, we both have fun! Ive never controlled anything he does or felt the need to, so this is a first for me to even question something he wants to do. I think my intuition around this particular situation based on what I do know about the group attending and confirming through some of the comments here discussing what goes down at a lot of these events shows that the uncomfortable feeling i have is most likely a sign.

My point was that spending every waking hour with these people for 4 days, bonding, then drinking in a hot tub with hardly any clothes on could create a temptation that wouldn’t be there just going to a boxing class or work or any other normal daily activity. The combination of all of these things has the potential to put a man or a woman in a situation to behave differently than normal.

Just curious, where do you draw the line in your relationships between trusting with anything and the partner simply respecting that certain situations would be off limits. What if your partner wanted to spend a week away and his ex was going to be in the same house? Would you feel the slightest bit uncomfortable?

OP posts:
tarasmalatarocks · 23/07/2021 12:40

I’m 100% with you OP- please don’t let others who have no issue with it make you feel you are being unreasonable. Maybe they haven’t ever been crapped on or dont know couples where stuff like this was the start of affairs or whatever. At 59 I’ve both attended too many of these types of events in various careers to feel comfortable with them - I’ve also trusted implicitly in the past and then found my trust was misplaced with the most unlikely people— I do know what people are saying that if someone wants to cheat then they will make opportunity anywhere but I think there’s a large amount of people who wouldn’t seek out opportunities - but if it’s there will suddenly lose all sense of reason.

Guavafish · 23/07/2021 12:54

He is a good husband

GrimDamnFanjo · 23/07/2021 12:59

I think that the issue here is one of two things:
The OPs husband has a roving eye/previous form
The OPs relationship isn't great at the mo

As many posters have pointed out- anyone a loving trusting relationship won't be tempted.
It's where there are those little doubts on current or past behavior that worries creep in.

iBrows · 23/07/2021 13:18

I am so glad I trust my partner enough that I don’t spoil things for him. I genuinely don’t think he would ever cheat on me.

It must be sad to feel like it’s only lack of opportunity stopping your husband sleeping with others.

Chikapu · 23/07/2021 13:26

I really don't get why guy trips are ok but not this, do you think the potential to shag around doesn't exist because he's away with only men? (Unless they're in a tent in the wilderness of course) I can't imagine having the mindset that a woman will sleep with any man because he's wearing bathing trunks and they've all had a drink, most people are perfectly capable of not shagging someone else's spouse.

workshy44 · 23/07/2021 13:27

Thats a brilliant outcome op and your husband sounds like a great guy
I totally got where you were coming from. My DH I know would not go out actively looking to cheat or make a move on someone but could I see something happening in this situation, then yes I absolutely could. Why put yourself in that position and you never know other peoples motives either
Delighted it all worked out for you.

Sittinginthesand · 23/07/2021 13:28

Well, bully for you, ibrows. Firstly- read the thread, secondly - how is a smug comment like that meant to help the op?

iBrows · 23/07/2021 13:41

@Sittinginthesand to show the point of view of someone in a healthy relationship I guess. Are only insecure people allowed to comment?!

Original poster
jennnn4444 · 23/07/2021 14:42

@ibrows maybe some of us are actually in healthy relationships that we wouldn’t want to take the chance that something could ruin that because our marriages mean too much to us. If I weren’t in a healthy relationship I wouldn’t care what he did and if it ruined what we have together. Just another way to look at this.

And yes I know what you’re going to say now… if you’re in healthy relationship you wouldn’t be worried. However, mistakes happen even with the best of people and best intentions. I think we can clearly see that through posts here and other threads here on cheating. Knowingly putting yourself in these situations opens doors to things that many people never would have considered. I just question if it’s worth it in the first place.

I genuinely couldn’t see my husband ever cheating either, BUT others have stated the same… until their partner did something along the lines of what I’m describing and proved them wrong. Call it insecurity if you’d like, i think that’s a bit harsh…I hope you never go through a situation that makes you feel uncomfortable and someone tries to make you feel bad for your thoughts or feelings

OP posts:
MrsMaizel · 23/07/2021 14:50

@iBrows

I am so glad I trust my partner enough that I don’t spoil things for him. I genuinely don’t think he would ever cheat on me.

It must be sad to feel like it’s only lack of opportunity stopping your husband sleeping with others.

How many times have we seen that as a intro to a cheating thread ?
iBrows · 23/07/2021 15:09

Look at it this way - he has a proven track record of being a great husband, reliable and trustworthy, but you still don’t trust him. It is affecting what he can do with his life.

Does that sound healthy?

MrsMaizel · 23/07/2021 15:17

@iBrows

Look at it this way - he has a proven track record of being a great husband, reliable and trustworthy, but you still don’t trust him. It is affecting what he can do with his life.

Does that sound healthy?

She said she trusted him but what she ( like many others try to do) is to safeguard that by avoiding" potential dangers" . Everyday people's lives are affected by their relationship with their partners - they do things or not do things to preserve it . They see that as healthy - you don't . Different people ...
Chikapu · 23/07/2021 15:42

Potential dangers? Is that you Mrs Pence?

marieantoinehairnet · 23/07/2021 15:47

No chance my DH would be going on this (shagfest) boxing weekend

theodoracarp · 23/07/2021 16:02

Either you trust your husband or you don't. There is no middle ground here.

Original poster
jennnn4444 · 23/07/2021 16:02

@ibrows When you’re married it’s not all about “his” life or “my” life and only what we want to do individually. We committed to sharing our lives together, so there has to be some sort of common agreement and understanding in terms of what the other is doing. It’s no longer all about “me, me, me” without considering your partners feelings.

This isn’t black and white and every relationship/situation is different. I have found a lot of comments here very helpful that have provided advice on both sides of the issue. I didn’t ask for anyone to judge whether or not my relationship is healthy as you would need to know me and my husband personally to do so. Or for you to judge that every other person who didn’t feel the same as you must be insecure. That is very narrow minded and I hope you can read through these comments and at least grasp an understanding of the different view points and why people may have think about this situation differently from you.

OP posts:
iBrows · 23/07/2021 16:12

@jennnn4444 It is abundantly clear that you don’t feel secure in your relationship. I am sorry you feel that way and I hope you can look at ways to improve your self esteem and not take it out on your husband (who sounds like a good egg) Smile Flowers

Original poster
jennnn4444 · 23/07/2021 16:26

@theodoracarp I hear you, but I’m trying to understand where is the line? For instance, let’s take it a step farther and say a partner wants to go on a trip similar to this, but his ex will be there. How would you feel in that situation ?

Do you use the same logic of I trust him or I don’t, so there’s no way that all the drinking, alone time, etc. could possibly ever lead to anything because I trust him and he’s never given me a reason to question? Would you be concerned at all that something could happen based on this specific scenario?

How do you determine what is respectable and not or do you say your partner can go do anything and everything with anyone because you trust him?

OP posts:
Closetbeanmuncher · 23/07/2021 16:43

he said he doesn’t take it that way at all and understands why I would feel the way I do and said he would not attend

Good man, he respected your feelings and acted accordingly 🥇

Don't feel the need to justify yourself OP. If it made you uncomfortable, it made you uncomfortable. He obviously respects your feelings enough to give that consideration.

SleepingStandingUp · 23/07/2021 16:57

She said she trusted him but what she ( like many others try to do) is to safeguard that by avoiding" potential dangers" . Everyday people's lives are affected by their relationship with their partners - they do things or not do things to preserve it . They see that as healthy - you don't . Different people ... But its interesting that the safeguarding involves not having him around women overnight, not him moderating his drink or otherwise behaving.
Its basically
"if you go, you might fuck someone. How would you feel if the situation was reversed".
"you're right, you totally might fuck a guy in this scenario and im likely to at least cop off with one of the women so i won't go"

I mean obv thats good for their marriage. But i still dont believe DH or i would cheat in that scenario so the conversation go differently.

"if you go, you might fuck someone. How would you feel if the situation was reversed".
"Well i won't and I'd trust you to not either.
Do you think you would?"
"Well bo obviously. Ok, have fun"