Husband Taking Trip With Other Women??

[jennnn4444]

My husband has gotten involved in boxing classes over the past year and the place he takes classes is having a getaway/retreat for 4 days away where they will "do a lot of boxing and fun stuff too". There are about 10-15 people attending (half are women, several women are recently divorced). I do not know these women personally, but from things I've seen and heard they enjoy partying, drinking, and going out a lot. They will share a house with a hot tub for 3-4 nights.

I trust my husband and can't see him cheating, but at the same time I worry that he's putting himself in dangerous territory going away for a long weekend, spending every waking hour with these people, and staying in a house with single women and alcohol.

What are your thoughts?

I’m assuming you would all be happy for you older DC to go away with friends who you know take drugs regularly? They won’t be tempted because of the situation because if they’re going to take drugs, they will anyway

Loads of my friends take hard drugs now that I am an adult and when I was younger. Obviously being young you are more impressionable but I still didn’t take hard drugs even when my friends parents offered them to me - because I didn’t want to.

And this is a grown adult who isn’t going to be peer pressured into having sex with someone else to try and fit in because he has a wife. If he cheats it won’t be because everyone else is doing it it’s because he chose to do it because he wanted to.

Ffs

I can imagine a post from a woman saying her partner won’t let her go away on a hobby weekend as it’s mixed sex. He’d be called all sorts!

You either trust him or you don’t. You can’t stop someone cheating by removing the opportunity, it’s not possible. He’s fine to go.

I couldn't imagine my husband having sex woth someone else just cos his mate is. I don't get the peer pressure thing at all. Maybe because im not 15?

And since when did hot tubs become a symbol for sex/cheating. I’ve never had or wanted to have sex in a hot tub!
I’m not sure why a hot tub automatically equals sex

Oh come on, really? people are not saying they will all be having sex in the hot tub ffs, but its going to add to the potential intimacy of their situation

This thread is nuts.

I work in a male dominated field.

Travelled extensively in Europe and the US, often for weeks at a time. Out for dinner and drinks every night. On occasion with a particularly gorgeous male.

Never once have I so much as pecked anyone. And as far as I know neither has anyone else in the group.

You either trust him or you don't.

If anyone thinks their husband is likely to see a hot tub and immediately drop his kecks for a shag, or pounce on the nearest divorced woman, then you have a husband problem - not a sports retreat problem, not a peer pressure problem, not a single women problem.

It’s actually very depressing how much some people have internalised deeply sexist tropes of men not being able to control themselves and women being sex objects. Because that’s what this all comes down to - patriarchal thinking. Maybe if we all started thinking of each other as humans without bringing sex into it we’d free ourselves from these damaging insecurities.

And, being “cool” about him going doesn’t mean you blindly have 100% trust in him. It means you recognise you can’t control him, you have enough faith in his character to think he won’t see any unattached woman as a potential conquest, you’re not suffering with internalised misogyny that positions every other woman as a threat, and you realise that if he’s inclined to cheat that’s a flaw in his character and not down to the external situation. I can’t imagine anything worse than being in a relationship where doing fun stuff with my friends had to be policed like this in case it “disrespected” the relationship. My friends, my independence and my autonomy will always be equally as important as any relationship - in fact the latter two are more important. A relationship is a nice bonus that fits around my life, not the other way around.

@SleepingStandingUp

What about if you're bi

Yes. I wonder how people think that gay people cope with this situation. A woman not comfortable with her wife going away with female friends for the weekend. It's just not workable to have such a low level of trust.

@TedMullins

If anyone thinks their husband is likely to see a hot tub and immediately drop his kecks for a shag, or pounce on the nearest divorced woman, then you have a husband problem - not a sports retreat problem, not a peer pressure problem, not a single women problem.

It’s actually very depressing how much some people have internalised deeply sexist tropes of men not being able to control themselves and women being sex objects. Because that’s what this all comes down to - patriarchal thinking. Maybe if we all started thinking of each other as humans without bringing sex into it we’d free ourselves from these damaging insecurities.

And, being “cool” about him going doesn’t mean you blindly have 100% trust in him. It means you recognise you can’t control him, you have enough faith in his character to think he won’t see any unattached woman as a potential conquest, you’re not suffering with internalised misogyny that positions every other woman as a threat, and you realise that if he’s inclined to cheat that’s a flaw in his character and not down to the external situation. I can’t imagine anything worse than being in a relationship where doing fun stuff with my friends had to be policed like this in case it “disrespected” the relationship. My friends, my independence and my autonomy will always be equally as important as any relationship - in fact the latter two are more important. A relationship is a nice bonus that fits around my life, not the other way around.

Absolutely this.

When i met DH i worked 2 jobs, one where i would regularly have lunch woth my male colleague and one where I enjoyed going out drinking with my male boss. I also did two lots of volunteering, both involved weekends away where the reward for working all day was alcohol. One involved physical labour so potentially topless males, hot and sweaty etc and one where it was very emotionally charged so very intense. Both have involved me drinking until the next day it's a bit hazy. I wouldn't have given any of those up for him on the basis of him not trusting i wouldn't sleep woth other people. Ive never t so much as snogged anyone else.

Oh come on, really? people are not saying they will all be having sex in the hot tub ffs, but its going to add to the potential intimacy of their situation

How exactly?!

Do people regularly have sex orgies in a swimming pool or beach because it’s near water and people are in swimming costumes

Also why are we only worried about single women? Surely a couples holiday with OP is still a hotbed of potential sex with other people seeing as we don't trust peopleto be faithful

@toocold54

Oh come on, really? people are not saying they will all be having sex in the hot tub ffs, but its going to add to the potential intimacy of their situation

How exactly?!

Do people regularly have sex orgies in a swimming pool or beach because it’s near water and people are in swimming costumes

That's why everyone is so happy in Moana. All that sex with everyone

Think people are being way too harsh on OP! There’s a difference between a group cycling /hiking type trip .. and a boozy, relaxation /group bonding chalet with a hot tub.. the latter reminds me more of 18-35 contiki holidays , for singles.

There is a constant battle between biology and fidelity. People - especially men - are hardwired to look at and list after attractive women. This is simply how they are built.

Many men in a committed relationship will fight this primal urge, because they are loyal to their other halves. This isn't to say they actively struggle 24/7, as a behaviour can become ingrained and second nature. But below the surface, there is still a tension and struggle, biology vs fidelity.

As with any system that has different tensions balanced against one another, when the tension increases one-sidedly, there is a possibility it'll crack. In our case, even if a woman fully trusts her husband in day to day, and indeed he is trustworthy, that doesn't mean he will never stray in different circumstances.

When men and women spend time in the environment and atmosphere OP describes, there is increased tension on the biology side. This isn't to say a man will necessarily cheat, but the risk is much higher. And even someone who ordinarily would be loyal, might stumble in this situation. I fully understand why the OP is worried.

@UpstreamSwimmer

There is a constant battle between biology and fidelity. People - especially men - are hardwired to look at and list after attractive women. This is simply how they are built.

Many men in a committed relationship will fight this primal urge, because they are loyal to their other halves. This isn't to say they actively struggle 24/7, as a behaviour can become ingrained and second nature. But below the surface, there is still a tension and struggle, biology vs fidelity.

As with any system that has different tensions balanced against one another, when the tension increases one-sidedly, there is a possibility it'll crack. In our case, even if a woman fully trusts her husband in day to day, and indeed he is trustworthy, that doesn't mean he will never stray in different circumstances.

When men and women spend time in the environment and atmosphere OP describes, there is increased tension on the biology side. This isn't to say a man will necessarily cheat, but the risk is much higher. And even someone who ordinarily would be loyal, might stumble in this situation. I fully understand why the OP is worried.

What utter, utter codswallop. The logical conclusion of this argument is rape apologism. “He couldn’t help it, she had a short skirt on! It’s just his BiOLoGy 🤪”

@jennnn4444

So you don't trust him then.

Would you be able to 'trust' yourself in the same situation ?

You cannot say 'I trust him' in one breath, then say you're 'worried' about him being in the same house as 'women and alcohol' in the next breath !

@UpstreamSwimmer

There is a constant battle between biology and fidelity. People - especially men - are hardwired to look at and list after attractive women. This is simply how they are built.

Many men in a committed relationship will fight this primal urge, because they are loyal to their other halves. This isn't to say they actively struggle 24/7, as a behaviour can become ingrained and second nature. But below the surface, there is still a tension and struggle, biology vs fidelity.

As with any system that has different tensions balanced against one another, when the tension increases one-sidedly, there is a possibility it'll crack. In our case, even if a woman fully trusts her husband in day to day, and indeed he is trustworthy, that doesn't mean he will never stray in different circumstances.

When men and women spend time in the environment and atmosphere OP describes, there is increased tension on the biology side. This isn't to say a man will necessarily cheat, but the risk is much higher. And even someone who ordinarily would be loyal, might stumble in this situation. I fully understand why the OP is worried.

Where do gay men fit into being hard wired to look at and lust after women?

@UpstreamSwimmer

There is a constant battle between biology and fidelity. People - especially men - are hardwired to look at and list after attractive women. This is simply how they are built.

Many men in a committed relationship will fight this primal urge, because they are loyal to their other halves. This isn't to say they actively struggle 24/7, as a behaviour can become ingrained and second nature. But below the surface, there is still a tension and struggle, biology vs fidelity.

As with any system that has different tensions balanced against one another, when the tension increases one-sidedly, there is a possibility it'll crack. In our case, even if a woman fully trusts her husband in day to day, and indeed he is trustworthy, that doesn't mean he will never stray in different circumstances.

When men and women spend time in the environment and atmosphere OP describes, there is increased tension on the biology side. This isn't to say a man will necessarily cheat, but the risk is much higher. And even someone who ordinarily would be loyal, might stumble in this situation. I fully understand why the OP is worried.

This.

I fully understand why the OP is not comfortable with this trip.

@Hanger0n

We're not talking about gay men though are we? We're talking about the OP's heterosexual husband.

@MayorGoodwaysChicken

I wouldn’t like it either and I trust my husband implicitly. It’s about respect-would I like to be at home caring for our children while my husband got drunk with women I didn’t know in a hot tub? Maybe I’m not cool wife enough but no, that wouldn’t be ok with me and it doesn’t at all mean I don’t trust him. These situations aren’t black and white like that. You can trust someone but still want to feel like you and your marriage are respected.

This.

It would be different if he was going abroad for a work trip with female colleagues etc but this whole scenario is how a single man would behave, not a married man.

@UpstreamSwimmer

There is a constant battle between biology and fidelity. People - especially men - are hardwired to look at and list after attractive women. This is simply how they are built.

Many men in a committed relationship will fight this primal urge, because they are loyal to their other halves. This isn't to say they actively struggle 24/7, as a behaviour can become ingrained and second nature. But below the surface, there is still a tension and struggle, biology vs fidelity.

As with any system that has different tensions balanced against one another, when the tension increases one-sidedly, there is a possibility it'll crack. In our case, even if a woman fully trusts her husband in day to day, and indeed he is trustworthy, that doesn't mean he will never stray in different circumstances.

When men and women spend time in the environment and atmosphere OP describes, there is increased tension on the biology side. This isn't to say a man will necessarily cheat, but the risk is much higher. And even someone who ordinarily would be loyal, might stumble in this situation. I fully understand why the OP is worried.

Being unfaithful is a decision. It is made regardless of 'primal urges', 'tension and struggles' or whatever other dramatic language you choose to use. It's a yes or no thing.

Imagine your situation above, played out. 'I'm so sorry darling. I love you so much and I want you to forgive me. It was simply that the women were too beautiful for me to resist!'

If OP thinks he might stray under certain circumstances, she doesn't trust him. It's no more complicated than that.

Ok so men have no option but to try and convince women to habe sex woth them the minute their near water in swimwear. Got it.

Why do we assume these women are so desperate to have sex with the kind of man who disrespects his wife by putting himself in a situation where his biology forces hom to fuck anyone willing?

I don't think anybody is assuming that @SleepingStandingUp But I think it would be unrealistic not to acknowledge that there's a possibility somebody like that might be there.

Thefoundation- you’ve missed the point, most of us don’t live in a world where women are constantly expecting their husbands to be unfaithful, but most grown up married people don’t WANT to go on ‘singles’ type holidays with a mixed group of strangers and lots of booze. Not because they ‘respect the marriage’ or ‘aren’t allowed to’ but because they’ve grown out of that kind of thing! DH and I often do separate things - he spends weekends in London with friends, I visit friends, go off on holidays alone, we have different interests - all fine, but we’d both be if the other one suddenly wanted to go on a weekend as the OP has described! Not because of a lack of trust but it just sounds rather juvenile and tacky. And we would wonder WHY the other one wanted to go.

And loads of stupid comments re trust - it really isn’t black and white! Look at yourselves - can you trust yourself not to accidentally sleep with a colleague at work on a Tuesday morning? Yes? Can you be just as certain if you were completely pissed in a hot tub with a fit bloke chatting you up that you’ve spent all day with that you wouldn’t be more flirty than you might normally mean to be. Imo alcohol can loosen most people’s inhibitions sufficiently that normal levels of trust aren’t really relevant - unless you can trust that they’ll only have a couple of drinks, if someone is going to get rat arsed they might do anything.

@Sittinginthesand

Thefoundation- you’ve missed the point, most of us don’t live in a world where women are constantly expecting their husbands to be unfaithful, but most grown up married people don’t WANT to go on ‘singles’ type holidays with a mixed group of strangers and lots of booze. Not because they ‘respect the marriage’ or ‘aren’t allowed to’ but because they’ve grown out of that kind of thing! DH and I often do separate things - he spends weekends in London with friends, I visit friends, go off on holidays alone, we have different interests - all fine, but we’d both be if the other one suddenly wanted to go on a weekend as the OP has described! Not because of a lack of trust but it just sounds rather juvenile and tacky. And we would wonder WHY the other one wanted to go.

And loads of stupid comments re trust - it really isn’t black and white! Look at yourselves - can you trust yourself not to accidentally sleep with a colleague at work on a Tuesday morning? Yes? Can you be just as certain if you were completely pissed in a hot tub with a fit bloke chatting you up that you’ve spent all day with that you wouldn’t be more flirty than you might normally mean to be. Imo alcohol can loosen most people’s inhibitions sufficiently that normal levels of trust aren’t really relevant - unless you can trust that they’ll only have a couple of drinks, if someone is going to get rat arsed they might do anything.

Not everyone would behave badly. If you think you would 🤷‍♀️ but some of us have self control. It's a feature of human beings.