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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband Taking Trip With Other Women??

339 replies

jennnn4444 · 21/07/2021 16:13

My husband has gotten involved in boxing classes over the past year and the place he takes classes is having a getaway/retreat for 4 days away where they will "do a lot of boxing and fun stuff too". There are about 10-15 people attending (half are women, several women are recently divorced). I do not know these women personally, but from things I've seen and heard they enjoy partying, drinking, and going out a lot. They will share a house with a hot tub for 3-4 nights.

I trust my husband and can't see him cheating, but at the same time I worry that he's putting himself in dangerous territory going away for a long weekend, spending every waking hour with these people, and staying in a house with single women and alcohol.

What are your thoughts?

OP posts:
BillMasen · 22/07/2021 13:24

@Sittinginthesand

Thefoundation- you’ve missed the point, most of us don’t live in a world where women are constantly expecting their husbands to be unfaithful, but most grown up married people don’t WANT to go on ‘singles’ type holidays with a mixed group of strangers and lots of booze. Not because they ‘respect the marriage’ or ‘aren’t allowed to’ but because they’ve grown out of that kind of thing! DH and I often do separate things - he spends weekends in London with friends, I visit friends, go off on holidays alone, we have different interests - all fine, but we’d both be Hmm if the other one suddenly wanted to go on a weekend as the OP has described! Not because of a lack of trust but it just sounds rather juvenile and tacky. And we would wonder WHY the other one wanted to go.

And loads of stupid comments re trust - it really isn’t black and white! Look at yourselves - can you trust yourself not to accidentally sleep with a colleague at work on a Tuesday morning? Yes? Can you be just as certain if you were completely pissed in a hot tub with a fit bloke chatting you up that you’ve spent all day with that you wouldn’t be more flirty than you might normally mean to be. Imo alcohol can loosen most people’s inhibitions sufficiently that normal levels of trust aren’t really relevant - unless you can trust that they’ll only have a couple of drinks, if someone is going to get rat arsed they might do anything.

It’s not a club 18-30 break, it’s a hobby break! He’s not going on a singles holiday it’s activity focussed with some socialising. Blimey.

I think your second paragraph says more about you tbh…

Sittinginthesand · 22/07/2021 13:26

But could you 100% guarantee your self control if you were drunk - it’s a drug that lowers inhibitions, you’re a human, would you definitely be immune to its effects? I personally don’t drink that much so it’s not going to effect me like that, but I certainly did some silly things when young and drunk!

bookworm20 · 22/07/2021 13:55

@Sittinginthesand has it spot on.

UpstreamSwimmer · 22/07/2021 14:04

@TedMullins

What utter bollocks. How you've managed to reach that conclusion is just inexplicable.

SVRT19674 · 22/07/2021 14:09

Sorry, I had to laugh "can you trust yourself not to "accidentally" sleep with...Accidentally? It isn´t an accident, it is a choice. And I have accidentally managed not to sleep with any of the males I have worked with as an assistant. Incredible, eh?
You either recognise you cannot control another person or you don´t, and I think the OP wants to be in control of certain situations not, thinking if I control this I will be ok, not realising that if her husband is a cheat, he is a cheat, at work, at the gym, away, with the next door neighbour, with married women, single women etc etc

UpstreamSwimmer · 22/07/2021 14:13

@TheFoundations

You're confusing excuses with expectations. One cannot use primal urges as an excuse for past bad behaviour, but being aware of those urges and their power, can and should make one plan ahead not to get into situations where they might stumble.

Are you saying there are no situations or circumstances in the world that might cause you to do something you otherwise wouldn't do?

Even specifically regarding fidelity, are you saying there cannot arise a situation ever where you'd be tempted to stray and you'd give at least a tiny bit?

I think most upstanding people recognise their own frailties, and try not to get into such a situation. The phrase 'lead us not into temptation' wasn't born of nothing.

toocold54 · 22/07/2021 14:21

Why do we assume these women are so desperate to have sex with the kind of man who disrespects his wife by putting himself in a situation where his biology forces hom to fuck anyone willing?

Well going by some of the responses from women on here who can’t seem to have a drink or be near a hot tub without pouncing on someone - maybe they think all other women are like that too.

toocold54 · 22/07/2021 14:28

But could you 100% guarantee your self control if you were drunk - it’s a drug that lowers inhibitions, you’re a human, would you definitely be immune to its effects? I personally don’t drink that much so it’s not going to effect me like that, but I certainly did some silly things when young and drunk!

When I was young and drunk I did some stupid stuff. Now I am an adult I can get as drunk as I want and I might do silly things that I wouldn’t do when I was sober but I still wouldn’t cheat on my husband.

And if I was someone who was likely to cheat if I got too drunk then the responsibility is still on me to not drink so much that that happens.

There seems to be a lot of people excusing behaviours that is the partners responsibility!
Poor man it’s not his fault he is biologically hard-wired to cheat, it’s not his fault if he gets too drunk and it lowers his inhibitions, it’s not his fault if a women comes onto him and he is powerless to resist her Hmm

UpstreamSwimmer · 22/07/2021 14:39

And if I was someone who was likely to cheat if I got too drunk then the responsibility is still on me to not drink so much that that happens.

Exactly. But what if it wasn't solely the drink? What if it was all the factors involved in a weekend getaway with young people of both genders, shouldn't the responsibility be on you not to participate? And isn't that what the OP is talking about?

LittleMissUnreasonable · 22/07/2021 14:45

The ironic thing here is that I've been to some of these before as a single (shock Shock) woman, and it is absolutely not the single people who are the problems. It's the letchy, creepy 'husbands' who get a skinful and think that entitles them to pounce on anything that moves. It's normally the single people trying to stay away from David from accounts who's married with 3 kids... We also know the backlash that comes as being the scarlet single woman who lured precious David away by simply existing.

And no, your older, slimy, boring husband is of absolutely no interest to anyone.

SleepingStandingUp · 22/07/2021 14:52

but most grown up married people don’t WANT to go on ‘singles’ type holidays with a mixed group of strangers and lots of booze.
Singles type holidays are not do a lot of boxing and fun stuff too". Op has ASSUMED they'll be in the hot tub pissed every night

TheFoundations · 22/07/2021 14:53

@UpstreamSwimmer

Even specifically regarding fidelity, are you saying there cannot arise a situation ever where you'd be tempted to stray and you'd give at least a tiny bit

Yes. I wouldn't stray. You're right, people would generally avoid sexually heightened situations, or spending time trapped in intimate circumstances with someone they found exceptionally attractive, but that's not what OP's husband is doing. He's going on a break with a mixed sex group of people who share a hobby. He will have the option to walk away at any moment he chooses. It's not a sex retreat. He sees these people most weeks, I'd imagine. If he was so desperate to shag one of them, he'd have done it by now. You don't need a hot tub for that.

SleepingStandingUp · 22/07/2021 14:56

@Sittinginthesand

But could you 100% guarantee your self control if you were drunk - it’s a drug that lowers inhibitions, you’re a human, would you definitely be immune to its effects? I personally don’t drink that much so it’s not going to effect me like that, but I certainly did some silly things when young and drunk!
I've managed drunken weekends with mixed sex friends for 15 years and the only guy i ever "hooked up" with was when we were both single and it turned into a relationship. And I've had the odd "oh god did i say something stupid last night" moment but in a being an idiot not being sexual iyswim
TheFoundations · 22/07/2021 15:00

@UpstreamSwimmer

And if I was someone who was likely to cheat if I got too drunk then the responsibility is still on me to not drink so much that that happens.

Exactly. But what if it wasn't solely the drink? What if it was all the factors involved in a weekend getaway with young people of both genders, shouldn't the responsibility be on you not to participate? And isn't that what the OP is talking about?

Yes, the responsibility not to be unfaithful would be on the person. It doesn't mean no weekends away with friends.

The thinking on this thread is incredible. Do most of you want your husbands home at nights so that you know where he is and what he's doing?? Hadn't you better keep in in during the days too? There's women out there, you know.

SleepingStandingUp · 22/07/2021 15:05

What if it was all the factors involved in a weekend getaway with young people of both genders, shouldn't the responsibility be on you not to participate? And isn't that what the OP is talking about?. Yes, if you don't think you can be away overnight with other people without wanting to have sex with them, if you think sleeping in an adjacent room or Sharing a bathroom will make you desperate to have sex with anyone there, you shouldn't go. But you're also the kind of person i wouldn't trust every week at boxing or frankly going grocery shopping alone if your ability to not have sex with someone else was so low

updownroundandround · 22/07/2021 15:51

The frankly ridiculous posts from those that see 'men' as 'slaves' to their libido's Hmm are really insulting to all men FFS !

Are we to be told that these poor men NEED to have the 'proper guidance' given to them by their wives/partners, because we all know that IF the correct circumstances were present NO man would be able to stop himself ????

Grow up !

Cheating and infidelity are choices a person, male or female makes for themselves !

We are capable of critical thinking.
We are capable of NOT becoming insensible with alcohol.
We are capable of NOT jumping on attractive people socially.
We are capable of making our OWN decisions.

Why do some people try to justify their own neurosis or their own behavior by claiming that 'choice' and 'personal accountability' are somehow beyond them ??

The only people I've actually heard that kind of lame ass excuses from have been caught cheating (or raping or sexually abusing) !

tarasmalatarocks · 22/07/2021 16:01

Just a thought too although I will no doubt be flamed by those who would be 100% cool about it— I wouldn’t be surprised if ‘some’ women actively go to boxing looking to meet blokes. I say ‘some’ as Im sure plenty just think it’s a way of keeping fit, but I suspect it might well be on those lists of 100 places to meet , like car maintenance classes etc. You must all have incredibly cool partners because I’m sure if I said I was having a social weekend away with a mixed group from the gym (not long term friends) there would be a debate about it in my house.— and I am 100% trustworthy.

TheFoundations · 22/07/2021 16:10

@tarasmalatarocks

There's a possibility everywhere every day that some immoral woman might throw herself at OP's husband. It's a risk we take every time we step out the door.

What's the list of things partners are and aren't allowed to do, because the risk is deemed too high?

UpstreamSwimmer · 22/07/2021 16:16

The frankly ridiculous posts from those that see 'men' as 'slaves' to their libido's hmm are really insulting to all men FFS !

Not as ridiculous as those posts which pretend libido and biology don't exist. As if by and large humans only make good choices, and not that most of us are controlled by our desires to a large degree.

Do you sleep enough? Only eat what's healthy? Exercise enough? Don't smoke or ingest other harmful substances? Don't speed?

People are quite fallible, and it would behove us to recognise and admit that some situations make people more prone to straying. Even such people who are essentially faithful. And the prudent thing is to avoid those situations.

TheFoundations · 22/07/2021 16:19

People are quite fallible, and it would behove us to recognise and admit that some situations make people more prone to straying. Even such people who are essentially faithful

It would behove us to recognise that some people are capable of keeping it in their pants when they've commited to...

wizzywig · 22/07/2021 16:21

This literally sounds like a reality TV show

SleepingStandingUp · 22/07/2021 16:34

if I said I was having a social weekend away with a mixed group from the gym (not long term friends) there would be a debate about it in my house.— and I am 100% trustworthy. So is it the risk you'd cheat he'd be unhappy about? You having fin without him? Leaving him woth tge kids? Unequal free time?

TedMullins · 22/07/2021 16:38

[quote UpstreamSwimmer]@TedMullins

What utter bollocks. How you've managed to reach that conclusion is just inexplicable.[/quote]
Kid yourself if you like but these attitudes have a pretty big overlap in the Venn diagram of patriarchal nonsense. Kindly explain the difference between “men have biological urges they might not be able to control” and “if you look a certain way and are sexually assaulted it’s no surprise because men have biological urges”. They’re different points on the same scale.

hellcatspangle · 22/07/2021 17:04

There's a possibility everywhere every day that some immoral woman might throw herself at OP's husband. It's a risk we take every time we step out the door.

Well that might be true, but most of the time people aren't in a position to act on it are they? If you're sharing a house for a weekend, everyone's relaxed, having fun, drinking, dipping in and out of the hot tub with barely a stitch on. In terms of creating the perfect situation for cheating , this is pretty much it.

countrygirl99 · 22/07/2021 17:05

@SleepingStandingUp

if I said I was having a social weekend away with a mixed group from the gym (not long term friends) there would be a debate about it in my house.— and I am 100% trustworthy. So is it the risk you'd cheat he'd be unhappy about? You having fin without him? Leaving him woth tge kids? Unequal free time?
Quite. Other than the last argument which may be valid, if my DH had the other issues he'd be an ex pretty sharpish. I give him the same respect. If I didn't feel I could he'd be an ex pretty sharpish.